


Undersnort

by offbrandbiscuit



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alphys is a bitch, And don't do 'em either, And some therapy, Bad Fight Scenes Abound, Body Horror, But that's okay because determination is gonna reverse it, Canon Divergence, Chapter Trivia with Offbrandbiscuit, Chara's an asshole, Don't actually cook drugs though, Drug-Related Puns, Drunk!Toriel, Every Route is Covered, Everyone Has Issues, Everyone is on Drugs, Frequent Drug Usage, Frisk Needs A Hug, Frisk Swears a Fuckton, Frisk is 15, Gratuitous Violence, Guns, I did my research for the more drug-heavy parts, I like my stories dark with a garnish of dark humour, Lots of Magic Usage, Mad Mew Mew features more prominently, Mettaton is a Rich Psycho, Muffet is a Mob Boss, Multiple Deaths, Multitude of Pop Culture References, Narrator!Chara, Other, PTSD, Pacifist Frisk is still an asshole, Papyrus is his regular ol' lovable self with a dark side, Protagonist death, Sans is lazy and irresponsible, Serious Parody, Soul Weapons, Stoner!Sans, Sword's & Gun's, Thank me later, Toriel is an alcoholic, Undertale Spoilers, When your cooking lesson doesn't involve cooking food, but a helpful asshole, chara is 16, crossposted from ff, frisk is an asshole, think of the children
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:34:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 138,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23259226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/offbrandbiscuit/pseuds/offbrandbiscuit
Summary: A human falls into the Underground, and quickly realises that everyone there is either drunk, stoned, or completely off their face. Will they succumb to the temptations of the Underground or stay sober? [Warning: lots of drug use, swearing and graphic depictions of violence] (ONGOING)
Relationships: Undyne/Alphys obviously, some charisk
Comments: 6
Kudos: 21





	1. 01: One Day at a Time

_* Once upon a time, two races ruled over Earth. **HUMANS** and **MONSTERS.**_

_* One day, war broke out between the two races. Eventually, the humans were victorious.  
_

_* They sealed the monsters underground with a magic spell._

_* Many years later... MT. Ebott, 201X._

_* Legends say that those who climb the mountain never return...  
_

* * *

Frisk woke up in a bed of golden flowers. To say their head hurt was a gross understatement. It felt like all the hangovers in the world were currently staging a rave party behind their eyes. They could barely understand where they were, or even _why_ they were.

Worse than the headache was the inescapable thought that they had broken nearly all of their bones. When they tried to move, burning hot pain shot up their spine, forcing them back to the ground. Though they couldn't see it, they felt that they had broken a few of their ribs and perhaps a few bits of their spine too.

After the headache lessened, Frisk made another attempt to drag themselves to their feet. They took it easy, biting their lip in order to distract themselves from the metaphorical fire crawling on their back. There was an unpleasant _pop_ as they straightened up, vertebrae clicking back into place. The pain still remained, but it felt less savage than before, save for their hammer-smashed ribs.

They briefly took in their surroundings. Sunlight was dripping from a huge opening in the ceiling above. The walls were made of some kind of grey brick. The air was cold and musty. There was a huge, arched doorway at the end of the hall.

They reached into their pockets, withdrawing a fresh cigarette and used gauze. It was slightly sticky. Disgusted, they put the items back. Smoothing out their purple and blue striped shirt, they headed towards the doorway. It was embellished with a strange emblem. A circle with wings. Below it, three triangles, the one in the middle pointing downwards.

 _Strange..._ thought Frisk. _I've never seen that one before..._ Without another thought, they walked through the doorway.

The room they were in now was round, shaped like a dome. There was another arched doorway at the end of the room. A lone golden flower sat in a small patch of dirt in the centre of the room.

"Howdy!"

Frisk looked around dumbly, trying to find the source of the voice. A short cough echoed throughout the room.

"Down here, friend."

Frisk looked down at the flower, who was smiling.

"As I was saying..." said the flower, "Howdy! I'm Flowey! Flowey the flower!"

"Plants can't talk..." said Frisk, more surprised by the sound of their voice than the talking flower before them.

"Well, this one sure can!" replied Flowey, poking his tongue out. "You're new to the Underground, aren'tcha?"

"We're underground?" asked Frisk.

Flowey looked a little annoyed. "We sure are, pal. We're in a mountain. Ebott Mountain, to be precise."

"Are there more like you?"

Flowey's look of annoyance grew further. "Not that _I'm_ aware of."

"Hmm..."

Flowey coughed, obviously eager to get back to what he had been saying. "Anyway, you're new here. Someone'll have to teach you how things work around here! So, I guess little ol' me'll have to do."

Frisk felt a strange feeling of foreboding. "Ready? Let's do this, pal!"

They felt a sickening tug in their chest as a red heart was forced out of their chest. "See that thing right there?" Frisk nodded. "That is your soul. The very culmination of your being!"

"And my soul's shaped like a heart?" asked Frisk. Flowey chuckled.

"'Course it is! All human souls are heart-shaped. Monster souls are the same, but upside-down."

"Monsters?" asked Frisk. Flowey acted as though he didn't hear them.

"Your soul starts off weak, but if you grow stronger, your LV increases!

"What's LV stand for? Why, LOVE of course!"

 _LOVE?_ thought Frisk. _Sounds like something I can get behind._

"Down here, LOVE is shared through..." Five spinning white pellets appeared above his head. "Little white 'friendliness pellets'.

"You want some LOVE, don't you?" He winked. "Don't worry, I'll share some with you! On one condition..."

"What's that?"

Flowey cleared his throat. " _Empty your pockets._ "

Frisk's heart (or... soul?) skipped a beat. "S-sorry, what?"

Flowey, losing all pretence of politeness, turned on them, his face twisted into an expression of pure hatred. "EMPTY YOUR POCKETS!" He shrieked. A stream of friendliness pellets shot at Frisk, who quickly dodged them. "I _know_ you've got it on you!"

"What the _hell_ are you talking about?"

"The fertiliser! I've been trying to find some ALL WEEK! I _need_ that high!" The flower screamed. "Did _she_ send you? Did she find out I've been taking it?" He sent more friendliness pellets at Frisk, who dodged most of them, but felt one skim their arm. They dropped to the ground, gasping. The pellet had been laced with some kind of poison, and they could feel their HP drop drastically.

**HP: 4/20**

"I don't have any," Frisk coughed. Flowey's face contorted horribly.

"LIAR!" A vine erupted from the ground, ensnaring the human. He lifted them upside-down, shaking them relentlessly, though this only exacerbated the injuries sustained by their fall. They cried out weakly as they heard the sound of something snapping. Eventually, the cigarette and gauze fell out of their pockets, which prompted Flowey to stop.

"What's this?" asked Flowey, a smaller vine holding up the cigarette. He was practically panting.

"I-it's... a cigarette."

He looked disgusted. "King Asgore used to smoke these." He looked greedily at Frisk. "Are they made of some kind of plant root or something?"

"I... I think? It really depends on what kind of—"

Flowey dropped them. Frisk fell to the ground, coughing. Their entire body was on fire.

A circle of pellets surrounded them.

"It's not _fertiliser_ , but it'll do," He said, beginning to laugh. The pellets drew closer. There was no point struggling. They were cornered.

Frisk shut their eyes, bracing for the end.

Suddenly, a comforting sensation of warmth washed over them. Miraculously, the pellets had disappeared, and Frisk's HP was fully restored!

**HP: 20/20**

Flowey looked furious. "What the... how did you...?"

Before he could continue, he was uprooted by a well-aimed kick.

Frisk sighed in relief. _Thank God. Actually, whoever you are, you_ are _God._

God resembled a bipedal goat with snowy white fur. Frisk couldn't help but notice that its robe had an image of that same emblem from before on it. _Must be some religious bullshit._

"What a miserable creature... torturing such a poor, innocent child..." Its voice was feminine. Her eyes found Frisk's, which must've been terrified, considering their response. "Ah, do _not_ be afraid, my... child. I am... _Toriel_ , caretaker of the Ruinssss. I come here every day to ssssee if anyone has fallen down."

Frisk backed away a little, wincing as the pain flared up again. "What, you gonna try and kill me too?" they asked.

Toriel's eyes drifted to the flower which was currently mumbling curses a metre or so away. "I hope you will not... _judge_ all of us b... by _his_ actions. I promise you, I am trustworthyyyy."

Frisk backed away further. They felt that her intentions _were_ good, but they were still suspicious. Still, what other option did they have?

Frisk opened their mouth to speak, but then stopped when they remembered the cigarette and gauze Flowey had taken from them. They reached out, scooping up their only possessions, putting them back into their pocket. They stood back up, and spoke.

"I... alright, then. I trust you," Frisk said hesitantly.

Toriel gave a sigh of relief. "Thank yooou," she said, her expression quickly turning concerned. "You are not ill, aaare you?"

"No, nothing like that. I only broke a _few_ bones," they replied, biting sarcasm masking the immense physical pain they were in.

Toriel gave a surprised gasp and started towards them. Frisk felt like they should back away, but the moment they tried, the pain flared up again, badly. They gave a gratuitous, self-indulgent "Fuck!"

"Language," said Toriel, screwing up her face immediately after. "My apologies. Time and place." She placed a fuzzy paw on Frisk's chest, the other on their spine. They could almost _feel_ their bones clicking back together like some kind of calcium jigsaw puzzle.

She let go of them. "I have done the best I can," she explained.

They nodded. "Uh, thanks. Miss, uh...?"

She giggled stupidly. "Please... just call me Toriel." 

"Sure thing, _Tore-e-ell,_ " they replied, over-pronouncing each syllable.

She cleared her throat. "Now, shall we go?"

Abandoning the flower, the two made their way into the next room. There was a doorway at the end. The room was built of beautiful purple bricks. There were two stairways that lead to the doorway. A large pile of autumn leaves sat between the stairs. A small, twinkling yellow star sat in front of the leaf pile. It felt only instinctual that Frisk should walk up to it.

The moment they laid their hands on it, they heard a voice inside their head.

 _* The shadow of the Ruins looms above, filling you with determination. HP fully restored.  
_ _* File saved._

_What is this, a video game or something?_

"The Ruins are _full_ of puzzles. Ancient fusionssss between diversions and doorkeys. One must solve them to move from room to room... _Please_... adjust yourself to the sight of them," Toriel was saying, though Frisk wasn't paying much attention. She stepped on four floor buttons, then pulled a lever on the wall. The doors opened.

"I shall be waiting in the next room," She bowed clumsily, before leaving.

There was a sign on the wall. It read: _Only the fearless may proceed. Brave ones, foolish ones. Both not walk the middle road._

_So, basic puzzle-solving. Sounds like a real workout._

The next room had two wooden bridges crossing small rivers. There were weeds snaking up the walls. There were three switches, two labelled with a somewhat excessive amount of arrows.

"I have labelled the switches you need to press," Toriel said. Frisk followed her as she walked to the end of the room, the doorway being blocked by spikes. Frisk pressed the two switches, and the spikes retreated into their hiding place.

Toriel seemed pleased. "Sss...splendid! I am proud of you, little one." _Thanks for the obvious heightism, Tori._ "Let us proceed to the next room."

The next room was small, shaped like a backwards L. A training dummy stood before them. "As a human living in the Underground," said Toriel. "Monsters... _may_ attack you. You will need to be prepared for this... possibility."

Frisk didn't say anything.

"However, worry not! The process is simple," Toriel gestured to the training dummy. "When you encounter a monster, you will enter a fight. While you are in a fight, strike up a friendly conversation."

Frisk stared at Toriel. Was she insane? Strike up a friendly conversation in the middle of a fight?

"Stall for time. I will come and resolve the conflict," She continued. _I'd be more worried about_ how _she resolves it,_ thought Frisk. Toriel was swaying slightly on the spot.

"Practice talking to the dummy."

Frisk was a little confused. Talk? Would there not be any actual training for if they _had_ to fight?

Toriel apparently sensed they were hesitant. "Do not worry, you may say anything you like too it. After all, it is _onlyyy_ a dummy."

"Alright then," they muttered, approaching the dummy.

_* You encountered the Dummy._

_* FIGHT | **ACT** | ITEM | MERCY_

_* **Check** | Talk_

_* DUMMY - 0 ATK 0 DEF  
* A cotton heart and a button eye, you are the apple of my eye._

_* The Dummy does literally nothing._

_Okay, guess I should talk to it._

_* FIGHT | **ACT** | ITEM | _ **MERCY** _  
_ _* Check | **Talk**_

They cleared their throat, snorting a little as the thought popped into their head. They threw their head back and swore. For no particular reason. After all, they may say anything they like to it. Toriel gasped. The Dummy didn't react. At least, it didn't for a few seconds.

Then, staring mistrustfully into them, it floated up, up and away out of a hole in the ceiling.

_* You won! You earned 0 EXP and 0 GOLD._

And just like that, it was over.

Toriel was staring in shock at what had just happened. All she said before leaving was: "The next puzzle awaits."

"There is another puzzle in this room. I wonder if you can... solve it...?"

As they followed Toriel down the hall, they felt something brush against their leg. A battle initiated.

_* Froggit hopped close!_

_* **Check** | Offer | Talk_

_* FROGGIT - 4 ATK 1 DEF  
* Life Sucks - Froggit._

A few flies scattered around the room. Frisk dodged them easily.

_* Froggit hops to and fro._

_* Check | **Offer** | Talk_

_* You offer Froggit a puff of your cigarette..._

_* It didn't understand what you said, but agrees anyway._

Unfortunately for Froggit, it never got that puff, because Toriel edged closer, giving it the most extreme death glare they'd ever seen. It cringed underneath her intense gaze, running off.

_* You won! You earned 0 EXP and 2 GOLD._

Frisk bent down to pick up the two circle-shaped pieces of gold. _Wow, these weirdos are rolling in dough,_ thought Frisk. They wondered if they could buy anything with it around here. Toriel stopped in front of what appeared to be a sea of spikes.

"This is the puzzle, buuut..." Toriel trailed off. She seemed deep in thought for a moment, before saying: "Here, take my hand."

Frisk did so. For a moment, they thought they were actually going to walk on the spikes, but were relieved when the spikes in their path deactivated as they walked. After they got to the other side, Toriel scratched her chin for a moment.

"Puzzles seem a little too dangerous for now," She said, before entering into the next room. Frisk was a little worried that she'd hurt herself. After all, she hadn't seemed in her right mind the whole time. How were they supposed to entrust her with their safety?

On any other day, Frisk would've just said, "Nope!" and quit right then and there. But, there wasn't much of a choice. Between a psychotic flower and a geriatric goat lady, they knew which one they'd pick. Sighing, they trudged onward.

"You have done excellently thus far, my chiilld... Howeverrrr..." She blinked. Her eyes were a little glazed, but Frisk didn't think she noticed it. "I have a... difficult... request to ask of you..."

Frisk stared cautiously at her. Her cheeks were rosy and she seemed to be having more trouble than usual speaking. "I would like you to walk too the end of the room by yourself...

"Forgive me for this."

"Uh... what?"

She spun around, and seemed to be getting ready to run away. But, in her haste, she tripped and fell. She landed face-first on the ground and didn't try to get up again.

"T-Toriel!" cried Frisk, rushing to her aid. She offered no resistance as Frisk lifted her up, albeit with much difficulty. She mumbled a near-incoherent "thank you". She was still wobbling quite a lot. Frisk wrapped an arm around her, supporting her as they walked down the unnecessarily long hallway. She leaned against the wall, mumbling to herself for a few minutes.

Eventually, she spoke to Frisk: "I've got... _business_ to attend to..." She slurred, her eyes shut tight. "It's... dangerous to explore by yourself... I hate to leave you here, so... here's an idea... I will give you a cell phone... if you..." She looked as if she would throw up for a moment. " _need_ anything, do not hesitate to call me..." She pressed a flip phone into Frisk's hands, before hugging them. "Be good, won't you?" They could smell alcohol on her breath.

Then, she stumbled out of the room, leaving Frisk alone. They were practically rooted to the spot.

After a few minutes, they decided to open the phone. They called Toriel's number. It rang once, twice, three times—

"Hellooo? Thisss is Toriel..."

_* **Say Hello**  
* About Yourself  
* Call Her "Mom"  
* Flirt_

"Youuu... wanted to say hello?" She cleared her throat. "'Hello!' I hope that... sufficesss. Hee hee..."

She hung up. _Wow, that was awkward,_ they thought. _I was hoping for maybe a longer conversation than that._

Frisk called again. "You wanted... to say hello again? 'Salutations!'. Isss that enough?" Before Frisk could get another word in, she hung up. "Oh my God..." they muttered. "I'm not lettin' you go." They dialled her number again, and the moment she picked up, they cut her off. "Tell me about yourself!"

"Hmmm...? Youuu... wanted to know more about meee? Well... I'm afraid there is not much to sssay..." She giggled. "I am just a sssilly old ladyyy who worries too much!"

Irritated by her lack of effort in this conversation, they spun it around. "I love a woman who worries about me," they replied sarcastically.

Toriel made a noise of surprise. Frisk almost felt disgusted with themselves. "Oh, heh.. heh... Ha ha ha!" _Phew. Thought she was gonna kill me for a second there._ "How adooorable... I could pinch your cheek...! You can certainly find better than an old woman like me..."

She hung up. Frisk inhaled as deeply as physically possible. _This is a waste of my goddamned time._

They supposed it was time to quit. Plus, they had a sneaking suspicion she had dementia or something along those lines, and could potentially be endangering herself. _Someone_ had to stay with her to make sure she was alright...

_I guess that 'someone' will have to be me..._

No sooner had they stepped foot outside of the room, their phone rang. They answered it.

"Helllooo... This is Toriel... you... have not left the room, have you? There are a few puzzles I have yet to explain... It would be.. _dangerous_ to try to sssolve them yourself... Be good... alright?"

_Yeah, that's not happening. What if she's passed out in a river? What if she's fallen over and can't get up?_

As they entered the room, they noticed a Froggit sitting there. It just sat there, watching them. Deciding it was friendly, Frisk knelt down and spoke to it.

"Excuse me, have you seen—"

"Ribbit, ribbit," The Froggit said, cutting them off. Frisk was about to scold them, but the Froggit continued speaking.

"(Excuse me, human. I have some advice for you about battling monsters.)"

"Alright, what is it?"

"(If you **ACT** a certain way or **FIGHT** until you almost defeat them... They might not want to battle you anymore.)"

_So, in other words, manipulate them or beat them into submission. Good advice._

"(If a monster does not want to fight you, please...)

"(Use some **MERCY** , human.)

"Ribbit."

Frisk rolled their eyes. _Is everything a one-way street with these people?_ _  
_

Besides, Frisk _did_ have morals. They weren't a murderer. Still, they'd rather not get attacked by a random monster, so, they figured they'd beat them into submission before then sparing their life. So, without another thought on the matter, they set off...

...or would have if they hadn't been distracted by a mysterious doorway. They entered the room. Two small streams on both sides, and in the middle of the room, a pedestal full of brightly-coloured candies.

 _* It says 'Please take one'.  
_ _* Take a piece of candy?_

 _Some candy would be great, thanks._ Their hand emerged from the acid trip that was the candy bowl, possibly a dozen individually wrapped candies in their grasp.

_* Unfortunately, you are a bad boy, and it's plain to see.  
* Eleven Monster Candies acquired. Truly despicable._

Frisk snickered, popping one of the candies in their mouth. It had the texture of liquorice, but it tasted more like a sherbet lemon. At least it was a cheap pleasure for the moment.

 _Alright,_ _I_ really _need to get going._ _Who knows how far Toriel's already gotten?_

They returned to the room with the Froggit. Another yellow star they hadn't noticed before was sparkling in a pile of leaves. Approaching it, they heard the voice again:

_* Playfully crinkling through the leaves fills you with determination. HP fully restored.  
* File saved._

_I didn't crinkle anything, random voice._

Continuing down the path, they suddenly stopped, feeling their SOUL wrench itself from their body.

_* Whimsun approaches meekly._

_* FIGHT | **ACT** | ITEM | MERCY  
_

_* **Check** | Console | Terrorise_

_* WHIMSUN - 5 ATK 0 DEF  
* Ooh, he's a sensitive one._

"I have no choice..." Whimsun whispered. A ring of moths surrounded Frisk, sizing in and out. It seemed like an impressive attack, except for the fact Whimsun hadn't a hope in hell of damaging Frisk that way. They would've had to run right into it. And of course, they didn't do that.

_* It's starting to smell like lavender and mothballs._

_*_ _FIGHT | **ACT** | ITEM | MERCY  
_

_* Check | **Console** | Terrorise_

_* Halfway through your first word, Whimsun bursts into tears and runs away._

_* You won! You earned 0 EXP and 2 GOLD._

_So, can I just keep starting fights and then hope they drop gold or something?_ It sure sounded dirty, profiting off someone's depression, but hey, times were tough. They _needed_ the gold. Cue a few 'fights' and their pocket had 12G in it. After deciding that was enough, they left the room. A hallway lay before them. There was a cracked tile floor in the middle between two chutes. The floor looked as if it'd give way if someone stepped on it.

So, of course Frisk stepped on them. And of course they fell down, although the fall was not too far, and it was cushioned by a leaf pile. _Thank God for these super-convenient piles of leaves._

They climbed into the rightmost chute, finding a ladder inside. They climbed up the ladder, emerging on the other side. They quickly left that room.

The next room held a rock, button, and sign. The sign read: _Three out of four grey rocks recommend you push them._

Frisk pushed the heavy rock onto the button, the spikes blocking their path deactivating. _Too easy_ , they thought. However, the next room was not.

It was a large, cracked tile floor section. Thankfully, they received a helpful hint when the floor gave way. Leaf piles marked out the correct path to take. Despite knowing this, they still failed at this many, many times.

After this, Frisk was nearly at their limit. They didn't want to solve any more puzzles. They just wanted to take a break.

In the next room, there were three rocks, each needing to be pushed onto buttons. Frisk pushed the first two onto them, but was surprised when the third rock stubbornly refused to move.

"Hey, who do you think you are, pushin' me around?" It said indignantly.

"What the fu—?" They stopped. Inhaling, they laughed a little. "Yeah. Of _course_ the rocks talk. Hey, little buddy," they said, kneeling to the rock's height. "Mind movin' over a little?"

"Huh? Move over? Ehhh, I guess I could make an exception for you."

The rock moved a little. "A little more."

The rock moved again. "A little more."

He moved off the path. "No, no! Back on the path!" said Frisk, exasperated.

"Okay, I think I've got it."

He moved onto the button, and the spikes deactivated. Just as Frisk was about to step past the spikes, they shot back up. They stumbled back, surprised. Then, seething, they went to give the rock a piece of their mind, likely fractured in the fall, thus why they were hallucinating talking rocks.

"Hey! What's the big idea, trying to kill me like that?" shouted Frisk. " _Stay_ on the button until I get past the spikes!"

"You're givin' me a real workout, kiddo," The rock said, moving onto the button again. That was the end of their interaction.

The next room was a hallway with a table on it, a mouse hole opposite. A plate of cheese sat on the table, a SAVE point twinkling nearby.

 _* Knowing that the mouse will one day leave the hole and retrieve the cheese fills you with determination. HP fully restored.  
_ _* File saved._

Frisk rolled their eyes. _How does_ that _fill me with determination?_

As they continued walking, they stopped. Right there, in a leaf pile, was something that looked like a child's Halloween costume. It was blocking the path.

"ZzzZzzZzzZzzZ... ZzzZzzZzzZzzZ... (are they gone yet...) ZzzZzzZzzZzzZ..."

 _* This ghost keeps saying 'z' out loud repeatedly, pretending to sleep.  
_ _* Move it with force?_

 _You know it!_ thought Frisk, attempting to shove their way past the 'ghost'. Naturally, they were surprised when their hands phased through it. Though they were more surprised when the 'ghost' was facing them, deep black sockets boring into theirs.

_* Here comes Napstablook._

Frisk narrowed their eyes. So he really _was_ a ghost...

_* FIGHT | **ACT** | ITEM | MERCY_

_* **Check** | Flirt | Threat | Cheer  
_

_* NAPSTABLOOK - 10 ATK 10 DEF  
* This guy doesn't seem to have a sense of humour..._

"Oh, I'm REAL funny," he said, voice quiet and repressed. Tears fell from his eyes, wriggling all over the place. The attack's intensity came as a complete surprise to Frisk. They supposed they shouldn't have underestimated him, and were now paying the price for it.

Despite their best attempts, they could not avoid the attack well enough. The tears were made of some kind of acid, and burned like fire on contact. They gasped, dropping to their knees.

**HP: 14/20**

Was that... regret on Napstablook's face? He shrunk away from Frisk, who was gritting their teeth as the burns continued stinging. He didn't say a word, instead choosing to stare at the ground.

Getting up again, Frisk decided they were going to need to make this Debbie Downer lighten up.

_* Check | Flirt | Threat | **Cheer**_

"Hey. Hey. C'mon. Cheer up, bud."

Napstablook looked at them, a pained expression on his face. He forced a laugh. "Heh..."

Some words appeared out of thin air, as if written by an invisible oversized pencil. _REALLY NOT FEELIN' UP TO IT RIGHT NOW. SORRY._ They did nothing asides from sit there, before disappearing when it was Frisk's turn.

_* Check | Flirt | Threat | **Cheer**_

Frisk continued. "You really met my ex _spectre_ tations." They weren't sure if a pun was going to help, but hey, it was worth a shot.

"Heh... heh..."

More tears, though these were easy to avoid. He seemed less willing to fight then before.

_* Napstablook wants to show you something._

"Let me try..." Tears floated up from his eyes, forming a top hat that floated above his head. "I call it 'Dapper Blook'... do you like it..."

_* Check | **Flirt** | Threat | Cheer_

Frisk gave him a smirk. "You give me shivers, you dapper boy."

"Oh gee..." Two tears fell from his eyes, wriggling away from them. The battle was over. 

"I usually come to the Ruins because there's nobody around..." Napstablook was explaining. "but today I met somebody nice... oh, I'm rambling again. I'll get out of your way." And then he disappeared.

Frisk waved at nothing. "Later." _Weirdo._

The path ahead was where they went first. There were two spiderwebs, one small and one large. The sign in front of them read: _Spider Bake Sale. All proceeds go to real spiders._

Frisk approached the smaller spiderweb.

_* Leave 7G in the web?_

Frisk raised an eyebrow. _This better not be a scam or these spiders are gonna die._

They deposited the gold in the web. They waited for a moment. Then, some spiders descended from a crack in the roof and handed Frisk a doughnut. Frisk stared at the thing. There was something... off about it. It felt stickier than it should have, and appeared to be coated in a thick black icing.

 _* You got the Spider Doughnut.  
_ _* Spider Doughnut - Heals 12 HP - A doughnut made with Spider Cider in the batter._

Frisk blanched, despising themselves for their generosity. _Well, maybe I can pawn it off on Toriel._

They headed back to the room Napstablook had been in, choosing instead to go through the other doorway now. This seemed like the correct choice because there were more Froggits that seemed peaceful, and there was another doorway at the end of the hall.

The first Froggit said: "Ribbit, ribbit. (I heard you can skip over an enemy's dialogue by pressing X.)"

Frisk's eyes widened a little. "That's a little... meta, isn't it?"

"(You are wiser.)"

The next one seemed to be having an existential crisis about the meaning of a button. "Ribbit, ribbit. (I heard that you can go full-screen if you press F4. But what does F4 stand for?)"

"It stands for—"

"(Four frogs? Although I have only seen a maximum of three frogs in here. This is most troubling...) Ribbit."

Frisk shook their head. _Mad._ As they continued walking, the third Froggit stopped them.

"Ribbit, ribbit. (Hello human. Thank you for showing mercy to our fellow monsters.)" It said.

"Uh... thanks, I guess?"

"(If a monster's name is highlighted yellow, it means you can **SPARE** them. Was that helpful?)"

"Yeah, it sure was. Thanks, Kermit."

"(Sparing simply means that you do not want to fight anymore. One day, you may have to spare even when the monster's name is not yellow.) Ribbit."

 _Huh. That's... interesting._ "I'll keep that in mind," said Frisk.

They kept going, not noticing the ant-sized fourth frog's eyes watching them from a crack in the wall.

There were some cracks in the floor and spikes blocking the doorway in the next room. Frisk used the cracked floor, because, in their experience, whoever designed the Ruins puzzles _really_ liked people having to fall to complete the puzzle.

The room had a small root sticking out of a pile of leaves. They tugged on it, and needless to say, was surprised when the vegetable came out of the ground, opening its eyes and smiling widely. _Oh boy, here we go again._

_* Vegetoid came out of the Earth!_

_* **Check** | Talk | Devour | Dinner_

_* VEGETOID - 6 ATK 6 DEF  
* Serving Size: 1 Monster. Not monitored by the USDA._

"Farmed Locally, Very Locally," drawled Vegetoid. Vegetables came flying out of nowhere. Frisk was incredibly lucky to have avoided any of it in a room that small.

_* Vegetoid's here for your health._

_* Check | **Talk** | Devour | Dinner_

Before Frisk could even open their mouth to speak, Vegetoid cut them off with a snide "Plants Can't Talk, Dummy."

Carrots that could've doubled up as knives descended from the ceiling. While sidestepping one, Frisk felt one jab them in an aggressive sort of way.

**HP: 12/20**

_Amazing. Vegetables hurt me. How ironic._

_* Check | Talk | Devour | **Dinner**_

_* You pat your stomach. Vegetoid offers a healthy meal._

"Eat Your Greens," said Vegetoid.

Various vegetables began falling again. A green carrot hit them on the head, and they felt their HP rise.

**HP: 13/20**

_* Vegetoid_ _cackles softly._

Frisk quickly raised the prospect of locally-farmed mercy that Vegetoid seemed to like. Frisk sat down, resting against a wall. They were so worn out... They just wanted to rest. But the thought of Toriel kept them going. Now they didn't even know whether getting beaten up by a bunch of monsters was worth it. What did Toriel care anyway? She'd probably forgotten who they were, or was passed out drunk somewhere.

Frisk tried to direct their thoughts away from this. There was no use getting worked up about it. And Toriel was the only person who _could_ guide them. So, they had to at least find her and make sure she was safe.

Frisk took a Monster Candy out of their pocket. They ate it quickly, before going up a small set of stairs.

**HP: 20/20**

They tried stepping on a different piece of cracked floor. This time, they fell into a room that Napstablook had obviously taken refuge in.

"Help... I've fallen and can't get up... go on without me..." He groaned. "Wait, I'm a ghost aren't I... I can just float..." Then he disappeared again.

The next room they fell into held nothing but a small black necklace with a skull on it.

_* Skull Necklace (+5 Defence)  
* The perfect emo accessory! Something of a rarity these days._

Frisk scowled at it. _Wear this thing? Don't be ridiculous..._ _Still, if it's rare, I could probably get some sweet greens by selling it._ So, they took the necklace, stowing it away in their pocket.

The next piece of broken floor was more successful. Lo and behold, this room had a switch in it. They pressed it, and heard the spikes retract. _I could_ really _use a break from these damn puzzles..._

The plaque in the next room said that: _The far door is not an exit. It simply marks a rotation in perspective._ There didn't seem to be any puzzle though. They just walked right past where the spikes should've been. The plaque here read: _If you can read this, press the blue switch._

Frisk checked behind some of the pillars for the blue switch. After finding and pressing it, some more spikes deactivated. The next plaque urged them to press the red switch. The third told them to press the green switch. After pressing that one, it seemed that the puzzle was over.

The next room had two doorways, one north, one east. They decided to take the eastern path first. Inside the room was another doorway, and a Froggit.

"Hey, Frogger," said Frisk. "Have you seen Toriel around here at all?"

"Ribbit, ribbit," replied the Froggit. "(Keep it quiet, but I saw Toriel come staggering through here a few minutes ago. She was carrying some bags. I didn't ask what was in them. We're all too intimidated to talk to her.)"

"Huh... do you _know_ anything about her?" asked Frisk.

"(I've heard she has a drinking problem,)" said Froggit, giving an eerily human laugh.

_Okay, fuck this shit. I'm outta here._

The next doorway showed a beautiful view of what Frisk assumed to be the rest of the Ruins. A tight, black leather glove with razors embedded in between the knuckles lay on the ground near them. They picked it up, examining it. It had dried blood on the blades.

 _* Razor Glove (+3 Attack)  
_ _* The perfect emo must-have! Appears to have been used..._

Despite their inner voice suggesting they leave it, they took it anyway. _Somebody will buy this crap, surely..._ Frisk was thinking as they slipped on the glove. No way they were risking cutting themselves with some dirty blade. They left through the northern doorway.

This lead to a house. There was a large, leafless tree at the entrance to it. The house was made of the same purple bricks around the Ruins.

"My goodness... that surely took a lot longer than expected," Somebody was saying. Frisk knew who it was right away.

"Toriel!"

She looked up, blinking. "Huh? My child, is that you?"

"Yes."

She sighed, dropping to her knees. Frisk approached her. "Are you okay?" She asked.

Frisk felt that _they_ should be the ones asking that, but did not voice this thought. "I'm alr—"

"Not a scratch... Impressive! But still..." She was mumbling.

"It wasss... irresponsible to try to surprise you like this..."

Frisk raised an eyebrow. "Surprise?"

She blushed, although it was hard to tell as her cheeks were already incredibly rosy. "Err... well, I _suppose_ I cannot hide it from you anymore... come with meee..." She stumbled off into the house. _This is Toriel's house?_ thought Frisk. _I hope it's not as messy as her alcoholic status suggests..._

There was another SAVE point in the leaves near the door.

 _* Seeing such a cute, tidy house in the Ruins gives you determination. HP fully restored.  
_ _* File saved._

They entered the house, where Toriel was waiting. "Do you smell that?" She asked.

Frisk sniffed the air. A gaseous, thick smell greeted them. They gagged. "Ugh, God. What _is_ that?"

Toriel blinked. "Oh, that... _that_ is the basement. Do not go down there, it is... full of mould."

Frisk thought that didn't smell like mould, but then again, they had no idea what mould smelt like.

"Come here," said Toriel, taking their hand and leading them into the living room. Now they could smell presumably what she had been talking about. Strong and buttery, striking an odd balance between sweet and bitter.

"Surprise!" said Toriel, smiling. "It is a butterscotch and cinnamon pie!"

"With all due respect, that doesn't smell like butterscotch _or_ cinnamon," they replied.

Toriel rolled her eyes. "Sssure it does! I put in butter... and I put in scotch..." She trailed off. _O-kay..._

"I thought we might celebrate your... _arrival_." Toriel said, clearly struggling to speak. "I want you tooo... have a nice time living here..."

 _Nice time? It sounds like I'll have a_ bad _time._

"So, I will hold off on snail pie for tonight..."

Frisk didn't bother to hide their look of disgust. _Snail pie? I'd rather eat that Spider Doughnut thing..._

"Here, I have... _another_ surprise for you..." Before Frisk could protest, she grabbed their arm and lead them down a corridor, stopping in front of a door.

"A room of your own!" She said, practically gushing. "I hope you... _like_ it!"

_Like it? How can I if I haven't even been inside yet?_

Toriel ruffled Frisk's hair. She seemed so... _happy_ to have them here, despite barely knowing them. Maybe that was just a symptom of being old.

"Is that something burning...?" Toriel wondered in a faraway voice. She flinched all of a sudden. "Uh... make yourself at home!" She then quickly raced off into what Frisk assumed was the kitchen.

They quickly dropped the doughnut on the table near the door, then entered their room. There was a bed in the right corner, a desk, a cupboard, and various other items you'd expect to find. They peered inside a small box filled with children's toys.

_* Look at these cool toys! They don't interest you at all._

_Finally, you got something right._

They pulled off their boots and climbed into bed. In a few minutes, they were fast asleep. As a result, they didn't notice when Toriel drunkenly staggered into their room, placing a slice of "butterscotch-cinnamon" pie on a plate near their bed. She smiled at the sleeping human, before quietly closing the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, glad to see ya here, and glad to see ya made it to the end! Wanna hear some obligatory Facts About This Chapter in the form of Biscuit's Chapter Trivia™? No? Good! Let's go!
> 
> 1\. The Cigarette replaces the Stick, and the Gauze replaces the Bandage.
> 
> 2\. Yes, Frisk's HP dropping to 4/20 is a weed reference.
> 
> 3\. The "butterscotch-cinnamon" pie is exactly what you think it is.
> 
> 4\. A lot of the story IS altered. It's not just Undertale where everyone's on some kind of drug, it's also got different story, and some characters are related even if they aren't in the original game. In other words, things will be very different.
> 
> 5\. Yeah. A "bad guys" reference. I'm not sorry.
> 
> 6\. "Life Sucks - Froggit" is a reference to an old video series MamaMax made. Your life'd suck too if you never got that puff.
> 
> Well, I think that's all for now. 
> 
> Toodles!  
> \- offbrandbiscuit


	2. 02: Headache

Frisk wasn't exactly sure what time it was when they woke up. It felt strange not to be rudely jolted from sleep by their alarm clock, which proudly screamed that it was seven in the morning, right on schedule. Come to think of it, they weren't even sure if there _were_ any clocks in the Ruins.

They sat up, rubbing sleep from their eyes. The room didn't have any windows, so it was still dark. There _was_ a bedside lamp, though. They reached over and turned it on. A warm glow spread throughout the room. Still the same as it was yesterday.

They retreated from the warmth of the covers and pulled on their boots. Nearby, on the _floor_ of all places, there was a slice of Toriel's pie on a plate. They picked it up, surveying it with interest. The filling was a dull yet warm, orange-y brown, the crust lightly dusted with the tiniest cubes of sugar.

_* "Butterscotch-Cinnamon" Pie - Restores all HP - One slice. Smells like scotch. Made with love._

They placed the plate on the desk, deciding to save it for later.

They decided to do some exploring. The hallway had two other doors. They suspected the one after their own room would be Toriel's, and they were right. It was laid out pretty much the same as Frisk's room. She didn't seem to be in here, though. _She must be in the living room or something._

A notebook was open on her desk. Despite understanding the concept of privacy, they couldn't help looking. After all, it _was_ open.

 _Why was the skeleton sad?_ She had written. _Because he was feeling bonely._

_* The rest of the page is filled with jokes of a similar calibre._

Frisk chuckled quietly to themselves. They couldn't resist snooping through her room. In her drawers, they found a bunch of seed packets and a medicine bottle labelled **EFFEXOR**. _Huh, wonder what those do._

The next room was a little confusing. Partly because it was locked. There was a sign hanging from the doorknob that read: _ROOM UNDER RENOVATION._

 _Where's the bathroom, then? Do they not_ need _the bathroom or something?_

Deciding to hold off on questions about the bodily functions of monsters for now, they went to the foyer. There were two sets of stairs, one leading up, the other down. Frisk decided to head upstairs first.

The second floor was fairly dark compared to the well-lit first. The walls were a dull orange instead of the usual cream colour. The place also looked like it hadn't been tended to in years, despite a caretaker living there. The drawers were coated in a thin veneer of dust, and the ceiling had been taken over by cobwebs.

_I suppose this is where all the spiders' dirty dealings go down._

The corridor extended to both the left and right. On the left side, there were two doors. On the third, there were two identically-placed doors, and a third at the end of the hall.

_Well, guess I have to find out what these rooms hold, eh, don't I?_

They turned left, entering the first door. It was incredibly dark in there. Evidently, there were no windows in any of the bedrooms. Frisk stuck out their hand, blindly groping at the walls for a light switch, feeling uncomfortable. It wasn't that they were afraid of the dark; that was for little kids. Just that they had no idea what could be in there. For all they knew, there could be a murderer hiding in one of these rooms. Or, maybe someone who had _been_ murdered, and Toriel was going to sacrifice them to her God, and take Frisk with them, or maybe make them her apprentice.

Their fingers ghosted over the light switch. _Oh, there it is. Never mind._

They flipped the switch, flooding the room with light. It appeared to be just an ordinary guest room. No dead bodies or criminal operations, just a bedroom. Still, they decided to go snooping.

They looked through the drawers, finding nothing except for a blunt pencil. The room hadn't been turned, and most likely, the others hadn't, either.

The next room was much the same, except with no pencil.

Frisk headed down the corridor to the other bedrooms. The first had nothing of interest in it. The second, however, had a key in one of the drawers. They hummed thoughtfully as they examined it. _Obviously it unlocks something, but what? A door? A drawer, maybe?_

They decided to take it, making a note to show it to Toriel.

The door at the end of the hallway lead into a dark, musty room. They flipped the light switch. There were wine cabinets and racks filled to the brim with different wines. Even after snooping through the drawers and looking in every nook and cranny, there was nothing of interest there. So, they turned off all the lights and went back downstairs.

They headed to the living room. To their delight, there _was_ a clock hanging on the wall opposite the fireplace. It was nine thirty. Toriel was sitting by the fire with a book and a cup of tea. The book was entitled _500 Snail Facts_.

She seemed so absorbed in the book that she didn't notice Frisk at all. They approached her. "Good morning."

She looked up. "Good morning, my child." Her voice sounded much clearer and steadier than before. "Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah, I guess. Thanks."

She shook her head. "It was no trouble at all. In fact, I am very glad that you are here. There are so many old books I want to share."

_About snails, most likely._

"I want to show you my favourite bug-hunting spot," she continued. "I've also prepared a curriculum for your education." _Jesus, lady. Already?_

"This may come as a surprise to you, but I have always wanted to be a teacher."

 _Who would've guessed?_ "Really?"

She nodded. "Actually, perhaps that isn't very surprising." _Way ahead of you._

She adopted that same disapproving look she had given that Froggit. "STILL. I am glad to have you living here, my child."

"Thanks, Tori," they replied. "I dunno how to repay you."

She giggled. "Nonsense! That doughnut was payment enough!"

"Oh, by the way, I found a key in a room upstairs. I think you might've lost it?" they said, handing the key to her.

She studied it for a second, before smiling. "Ah yes. I lost this one a few weeks ago and had to use a spare. Thank you for finding it, my child."

"No problem."

An awkward silence filled the room for a few moments.

"Toriel... mind if I ask you some stuff?"

"Yes, my child. Ask away."

"Do the Ruins monsters like you?"

Toriel frowned. "I should hope so, but you cannot please everyone, my child. Why do you ask?"

"I heard a rumour that you have a drinking problem," said Frisk.

Toriel suddenly became very quiet. Already Frisk was wishing they'd just kept their mouth shut. She coughed discreetly, then quickly changed the subject.

"Um... D-did you want to know about this book I'm reading? I-it's called _Snail Facts_! D-do you want to hear a snail fact?"

"Toriel." She stared at them, her reading glasses glinting in the firelight. She sighed.

"My child, I like a glass of wine every now and then. I assure you, I am not a problem drinker." She said, her cheeks going a rosy colour. She looked away, her eyes instead focused on the bright flames dancing in the fireplace. "I assume that I did not make the best impression when we first met." She closed her eyes. "Perhaps that is why they all left me."

Frisk's curiosity piqued. "'They'? Who are you talking about?" They instantly regretted saying this.

She turned so quickly that they barely even registered the hand that flashed across their vision like some kind of otherworldly creature. They only noticed the sharp, stinging sensation on their face when they lost their balance and fell. They cried out as their head slammed against the hard wood floor.

"Do not speak of them!" Toriel was on her feet now. "Do not ask me about this ever again!" Her eyes were glowing like the coals in the fireplace.

Frisk groaned, holding their head in one hand. "Fuck... I guess they're right, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned," they muttered caustically, back pressed against the wall. She took a step back. Her eyes were wide open in shock. Her shoulders were heaving, both her hands clasped over her mouth.

She must have seen something in their eyes, because she immediately fled to her bedroom, the door slamming shut behind her. Frisk stayed there for a long time, trying to hold back the tears that were brimming in their eyes.

* * *

The whole hour that Frisk had been wandering the Ruins, Toriel had not made one attempt to contact them. They didn't know whether that was a good or bad thing. They almost _wanted_ to hear her sweet, calm voice, just so they could pretend that she hadn't just assaulted them.

_Ugh... that's just not gonna happen, though, is it?_

Frisk was sitting against a pillar in the long hallway, their eyes shut tightly. Many monsters from before had passed by, but not one had engaged in conversation or picked a fight with them. Frisk wished they would. Anything would be better than being stuck with this torturous scene playing over and over again in their mind.

No matter how they looked at it, they couldn't find it in themselves to trust her anymore. She was a drunk, and she refused to admit it. Whatever they asked her about must have been a sore spot, though. They supposed they couldn't blame her for that. What they _could_ blame her for was slapping them across the face.

They wanted to leave, but they hadn't found an exit yet. Partly, they just wanted to stay a little longer, maybe try to get her to address her issues and satisfy their curiousity at the same time. But how were they going to make her talk?

They couldn't just ask her. This time, she'd probably shut them in a room with that flower and let him finish them off. Maybe they could coax it out of her somehow. _She's not that gullible though._

Maybe, if they got her relaxed, they could somehow trick her into talking about it. She didn't seem like a herbal tea-drinker, and they doubted that she was keeping highly dubious plant roots from some obscure country in her closet. So, if they were going to get her to answer them, they were going to need to try something a little bolder, a little gutsier, a little... crazier.

Get her drunk.

It sounded so stupid when they said it like that. She was already a drunk. And yet, they were going to enable her so she would tell them things that might not end up being all that interesting. Still, they figured they might be able to find an exit or something if and when she passed out.

Frisk stood up, a surge of determination rushing through them like a shot of adrenaline. When they reached Toriel's home, they noticed the yellow star was still sitting in the leaf piles. They decided to SAVE, despite _still_ not fully understanding it.

 _* The thought of getting Toriel drunk fills you with determination. HP fully restored.  
_ _* File saved._

They chuckled.

* * *

They found her in the living room, sitting at the table, her head propped up on her elbows, dressed in a fitted dark-red top, dark skirt and stockings. When she noticed them, she said nothing except, "G-good afternoon."

_No 'my child'? Hmm. This might be easier than I thought._

"How are you?" They asked. It seemed like the most neutral question to ask at the time.

She sighed. "I will admit, I have been better."

Frisk sat down at the table. Toriel looked at them. Her eyes were puffy and red.

"My child... I owe you an apology," she said, staring right at them. "I let my anger get the better of me. I fear I may have ruined our relationship permanently. Can you... can you forgive me?"

They gave her a fake smile. "Oh yeah, totally." She seemed relieved. They sat in silence for a few moments. A quick glance at the clock was all Frisk needed to decide that it was time to make their move.

"Now, can I ask you a question?"

"Can if you may, my child." _Right._

"Yes. May I?"

"You may."

Frisk took a deep breath. _Alright, sappy questions first. That'll set the mood._

"Do you have any family?"

"Yes, I do. My husband... _ex-husband_ ," she corrected herself. "and..." She swallowed, as if afraid to continue. Frisk got up, and went over to the wine cabinet in the corner of the room. They took out a bottle and a glass. Toriel was watching them, mesmerised, as they placed the glass on the table in front of here, pouring her a generous amount. She watched them the whole time, perturbed.

Frisk sat back in their chair, the glass of wine taunting her. They could tell she was trying very hard to resist drinking it. "I... I can't accept it, my child," she said, shaking her head forcefully. "What if I..." She trailed off.

Frisk placed their hand on hers. "Oh, please. It's only a little glass. You need this." She looked torn.

"Well... I suppose if... then again..." She gave up fighting and reached for the glass. Frisk smiled to themselves.

She was something of an expert when it came to drinking wine. She downed the glass in one go, and emerged smacking her lips.

She gave a pleased sigh. "My, my. Nothing soothes away the aches and strains of life better than a nice glass of wine."

Frisk just nodded, pouring her another glass. There was a little less in it this time. Her hand grasped it tentatively. She drank this one a little slower than before. They could tell she was being cautious. She didn't want to drink too much because they were there. _We'll have to fix that, won't we?_

"So... your family," said Frisk, trying not to sound intrusive.

"Ah, yes. Well, there's my... _ex-husband._ He's King of Monsters... then there's me, of course," she giggled a little. "I used to be the Queen of Monsters, before I quit and came down here." Frisk was pouring her another glass. _Her tolerance isn't as high as she thinks it is._

She only drank half of it this time. She seemed eager to continue with her story. "He was... _very_ good at gardening. You know... I've tried to take up gardening before... but every time I buy fertiliser, it... disappearssss... Strange, is it not?"

They nodded. "Very." _Sounds like that flower._

"I... I had children before, you know," said Toriel. "Sssweetest little thing... we called him Asriel." She said the name is if it were the name of her favourite brand of wine. "Set to become Prince of Monsters... until..."

"Yes?" they asked, unable to contain themselves.

She swallowed the rest of the wine. "Well... it's a little... _violent_ for children to hear... I don't think I should—"

Frisk quickly shook their head. "No, no. It's fine. Please, go on."

"Oh, alright. I— I will do that," she added, snatching the bottle from their hands, pouring an almost obscene amount. To Frisk's surprise, she downed this just as easily as she had the first.

"One day... a human fell down."

Frisk tilted their head. "Really?"

She nodded. "Their name was Chara. Asriel heard them calling out for help one day... so he brought them back to the castle..." Her breathing became heavier. "We... treated them as... _equals_. Asriel and Chara... they hit it off immediately... I remember... he gave them a locket one day... They had it until..." Her hands were shaking as she poured more wine.

They stayed silent, waiting for her to speak. "They... became ill."

"They did?"

"Their last wish... was to see the flowers from their village..." Tears were in her eyes now. "Asriel... took their soul, and... crossed the Barrier—"

"The Barrier?" they asked.

"The thing that keeps us all trapped down here..." She said solemnly. "Only a human and monster soul combined can cross it. He took their body to the village, laid it in a bed of golden flowers...

"Then... humans attacked him."

Frisk swallowed. "Why?"

Toriel downed another glass of wine, accidentally slopping some into her lap. "They... believed that he had... killed the very child he had been holding..."

Ignoring the obvious question of 'how do you know that?', they ventured onward. "What... what happened to him?"

"He... refused to fight back. He... he spared the humans..." Frisk stared at her, open-mouthed in shock. "Brought Chara's body back to the castle... and collapsed. His... his dust spread throughout the garden. We... we saw it happen..." Her tears were falling into her now-empty glass, but she didn't seem to notice. She poured more, and drank it very quickly.

_Wow, no wonder she's a drunk._

"When my husband realised what had... what had happened, he... declared that _any_ human who fell down here... would have their soul taken."

_Well, I guess I'm fucked._

"I was... disgusted with him..." She said drunkenly. "So, I took... Chara's body back to the Ruins... I buried them under a bed of... golden flowers..." She looked at Frisk with bloodshot eyes. "I was... actually going to vissit their grave... when I saw you..."

 _Did I... fall on their_ grave _?_ thought Frisk. _Talk about disrespecting the dead..._

"That's why I live down here, in the Ruins..." She said. "My husband... tries to contact me sometimes... fills my mailbox with Nice Cream punch cards... says stuff like... 'please... please come back...'." She laughed for a minute or two, before settling down. "So many... children... came through here..." She slurred. "They all left me... I never... saw them again..."

_Finally. The truth at last, woman._

"I'm... so sorry that I... put you through all this..." She mumbled. This time, she didn't even bother pouring any wine. She just took a swig from the bottle itself.

Frisk shook their head. "No, it's fine. It's good that you told me."

She sniffled. "Yes..." She laid her head down on the table and was silent for a few minutes. Frisk thought she'd fallen asleep, and she probably had. Then, there was a bang from downstairs. She looked up.

"Oh... oh dear... I... I have to go... _do_ something... ssstay here..."

Frisk just sat there, staring blankly ahead as Toriel left the room. She had such a painful past... the loss of both her children in just one night must have been too much to bear. And, without anyone to confide in, she instead started drinking to drown her sorrows in a sea of red. Had they made it worse by getting her drunk and making her talk about it?

_I... kind of feel like a jerk._

Truthfully, an apology was in order. Frisk, however, was not looking forward to seeing her face upon realising what they had done. So, they decided to just forget about it.

All of a sudden, they noticed an awful smell. It was strong, bitter, and nauseating. It made them feel _very_ strange. Their hands were trembling, and no matter how hard they tried to focus themselves, their brain wouldn't stop running wild. They forced themselves out of their chair, walking to the kitchen, and pouring themselves a glass of water. They drank it slowly, trying to get their bearings.

They took a deep breath. _Okay. I'm going to go and find Toriel and figure out what all this bullshit is._

Frisk followed the scent. It got stronger as they left the living room. That's when they noticed smoke from the bottom of the staircase. Swallowing, they stole downstairs. The basement door was shut, and the smoke was much thicker here. They hesitated, staring at the smoke that was pouring from underneath the door, then tried the doorknob. It was locked.

Frisk cursed, covering their face with their sleeve as they went back upstairs. They began scheming away on how to get the door open. Brute force it? Pick the lock? Or at least, _attempt_ to, since they hadn't learnt how to pick a lock.

Then they remembered the key. The one they gave Toriel that morning. When she had run off, she still had the key on her. Before that, she had been using a spare. So, it made sense that she had put the key in her room somewhere.

They headed down the hall, barging into her room. They opened all her desk drawers. Nothing except the items that were in there that morning. They looked in her bed and pillowcases, even in the water sausage plant pot, but found nothing.

So, there was only one place left to look. Toriel's closet and clothes drawer.

Frisk grimaced. God, they sounded like a grade-A freak...

They opened her closet. A few identical robes, one Christmas robe, some boots, winter coats, dresses, leggings and so on. Frisk checked the pockets, but didn't find the key.

They were starting to get suspicious. Why would Toriel hide a key _this_ well? Normally, people would just toss it in the drawer and be done with it. Whatever this key unlocked, Toriel didn't want them to see.

 _Maybe she really_ is _a cultist,_ they thought, half-believing themselves. _And the smoke is from the millions of candles she's lit down there to appease her God._

They opened one of the drawers, blushing at what they saw. It was Toriel's underwear drawer.

 _Do monsters even_ need _underwear?_ they wondered. _They wear clothes, but Toriel has fur. Wouldn't all that be hidden?_

Frisk rifled through the drawer, feeling their sins crawling on their back every time they so much as _brushed_ past something silky. Thankfully, _that_ was over quickly. No key.

_Well, only one last place left to look._

They opened the other drawer.

_* You peek inside... Scandalous! It's Toriel's sock drawer._

Frisk scowled. _Sure, the lingerie I probably touched back there was totally normal, but the socks are just pushing it_ too _far._

However, the key to the most-likely scandalous truth was located in this very drawer. Tucked cleverly inside one of the pairs of socks was the key. They took it, closed the drawer and headed back down the stairs.

They inserted the key into the hole, hoping for the best. They gave it a little twist. The lock clicked and the door swung open.

"Toriel! What's going—"

"I-I told you not to come—"

Frisk stood there, frozen. Their eyes were almost popping out of their sockets. Toriel stood there, next to a table filled with beakers, a Bunsen burner, and numerous assortments of plastic baggies strewn about. There were smoke spirals dancing throughout the air. She stared at them, horrified.

"I... m-my... I'm sorr..." She whispered.

Frisk scoffed. "Are you fucking kidding me? Toriel, are you— are you cooking meth?"

She wrapped her arms around herself, shaking. "I... m-my child, p-pleassse let me explai—"

"No!" shouted Frisk. "I actually _believed_ your bullshit sob story." They laughed. "Wow, would you believe it? Cooking drugs in the basement. Who would have thought? The room 'under renovation' would've been less suspicious."

She burst into tears. "I'm— I'm sorry," she sobbed. "I _need_ to! I-I go out every week and s-sell these..." She stared at them, her eyes saying the same thing over and over again. _You weren't supposed to see, you weren't supposed to see._ "I'm... I'm sorry! P-please, I promise I'll stop, I promise..."

Frisk just shook their head. "Fuck that, there's plenty of other things you can do to earn money." They stared at the ignited Bunsen burner. Toriel backed away, whimpering like a punished dog. "Are... Fucking... are you on _drugs_?" asked Frisk, exasperated. Toriel fell to her knees.

"N-no!" she grimaced. "I d-don't _use_ that horrible stuff," said Toriel. "I use the money to... to..."

"Today, for God's sake."

"I use it to... _buy_ ingredients so I can..." She hiccuped. "...make more medicine at... home..." Her words were almost lost to her incoherent slurring. Frisk now regretted getting her drunk.

"You're addicted to your meds, boo-fucking-hoo," said Frisk.

She nodded, rubbing her eyes with her sleeve. "I... I _need_ them, my child... ever since... me and Gorey split up, I... they're the only... _thing_ keeping me from hanging myself in the sitting-room." She smiled wryly.

Frisk groaned. "Oh great, now the threats of suicide."

She waved that away. "Hyperbole."

Silence reigned until Frisk continued.

"Whatever. I'm outta here."

She looked up, fear in her eyes. "N-no! You... caaaan't... _he_ will... will..." She went very pale for a moment. In the space of a few milliseconds, she was on all fours, throwing up all over the floor. Frisk instinctively stepped back, shivering with disgust. _Ugh._

"Are you even hearing yourself, you crazy bitch?" asked Frisk, not even bothering to hold their tongue. "You're a pathetic drunk and you abuse anti-depressants, no wonder your life is a wreck, no wonder those kids left you!" It just kept coming, like gas from a crack pipe.

She looked as if she wanted to disappear right there on the spot. "P-please... don't... go..."

Frisk didn't respond.

Toriel dragged herself to her feet. "P-please... please don't tell anyone! You... you can't... _please_..."

They had her at their mercy. So, they didn't answer.

"I-I'll give you all my product, all of it! Y-you can sell it, keep it, anything you want!" she pleaded.

Frisk finally snapped. "What I _want_ is for you to get out of my way."

She did not. She just knelt there in silence for a moment. Then, they heard her voice.

"You... you children just never listen, do you?" She said breathlessly. "Your disobedience will _not_ be tolerated..." She held out a hand. A weak flame ignited in her palm. "Go to your room."

Frisk backed off a little in shock. Was she going to _fight_ them? They had barely thought she had it in her. Still, if she was going to attack, they decided they'd better stand their ground.

"I'm not one of your 'children', and you're sure as hell not my 'mother'. Get the _fuck_ out of my way."

Two orbs of fire replaced her eyes. "So be it."

The fight began. Toriel's eyes trained on the red glow in their chest.

_* Toriel blocks the way._

_* FIGHT | **ACT** | ITEM | MERCY_

_* **Check** | Talk_

_* TORIEL - 80 ATK 80 DEF  
* Thinks she knows what's best for everyone._

Frisk was admittedly beginning to already regret their faux bravado. They had never seen such high stats. They'd probably go down in a single hit... And admittedly, they were just bluffing with that macho act. They didn't really want to kill her from the get-go, and knowing how strong she was, they weren't exactly enthused with the idea of trying to.

Their thoughts were interrupted by her attack. Two white hands materialised out of thin air, hovering above her. As they traced a curved line in the air, flames appeared in their path. Toriel made a weak swishing motion, causing all the fire bullets to shoot at Frisk. They dived out of the way just in time, but they were hit in the back by a fireball that ricocheted off the wall, knocking the wind out of them. They felt heat on their back. Immense panic flooding their systems, they fell to the ground, rolled over and snuffed out the flame.

**HP: 16/20**

They scrambled to their feet. It hadn't been _exceptionally_ powerful, but still worth their attention. They were right not to underestimate her.

_* Smells like expensive wine._

_* Check | **Talk**_

_* But there was nothing to say._

Flames flew towards them at breakneck speed. They ran toward them, leaping over the sea of fire. They barely skimmed the near volcanic-temperature fireballs. They scattered at the other end of the room. Frisk panted, not used to actually being afraid for their life.

"Toriel, don't. I'm sorry that I insulted you, I just... it's messing with my head."

Toriel didn't say a word. Instead, a line of wavy fire shot towards Frisk, who was unprepared for it to fan out and hit them right in the chest not once, but twice, burning holes in the front of their shirt. They cried out as the unfathomable agony of a second-degree burn graced their chest.

They fell face-forward, the flames dying. "Call yourself a mother?" they spat, mentally reprimanding themselves for insulting her again. It wasn't helping their case at all.

**HP: 8/20**

"Let's just talk about this, okay?" they groaned, reaching into their pockets and stuffing one of their Monster Candies into their mouth., not even bothering to chew it. They coughed violently as it went down. And just like that, their burns disappeared, their bright-red, blistered skin returning to its usual tan colour. The pain still lingered, but they could deal with it.

_* You ate the Monster Candy. Some say that this infamous treat contains trace amounts of coca leaves. Regardless of this fact, you restored 10 HP._

**HP: 18/20**

"S-stop that."

Frisk stared at her. Was that... her?

She repeated her previous attack. This time, Frisk was ready for it. They dodged it swiftly, allowing no bullet to touch them.

"Toriel—" they began saying. _  
_

"I said stop it!" she said sharply.

Her voice was rougher than usual, but it was her all right. And that was all the incentive Frisk needed to keep trying to talk her down.

"Just listen to me!" they demanded, dodging a stream of fire. "We don't have to do thi—"

" _What_ do you hope to achieve this way...?" she asked.

"Stop cutting me off!" they shouted, losing their temper again. They quickly dove through a gap in the volley of flames she sent their way.

" _Attack_ or run away!"

"Toriel, no! Let's just tal—"

Her attack was the fiercest yet. The hands traced a square of flames that burst towards Frisk sporadically. On top of this, fireballs were weaving towards them, leaving wide open gaps that were still not wide enough thanks to the work of those white hands. They couldn't escape without getting hit. A broken sob escaped them. Their skin was melted and peeling where the fireballs had hit them, the surrounding areas charred and boiling with furious red blusters.

**HP: 2/20**

"Pl..." they couldn't even muster the strength to finish.

"I... I just doooon't..." Her voice trailed off as a few weak flames trickled towards them. Frisk was able to avoid it, but only because they were off-course. They reached for their pocket, tears running down their burnt face. Their pocket felt lighter than before; the only thing they could feel now that the nerves in their skin had begun dying.

_* Everything is gone._

Toriel was silent this time. Or maybe she wasn't. Frisk couldn't hear over the crackling flames. That was the reason why they didn't hear the stray fireball that hit them in the chest.

**HP: 0/20**

As the fireball hit them, the world slowed down. They caught a glimpse of Toriel clapping her hands over her mouth in shock, their body lit up brighter than their community fireworks display. But not for long. After that, it was over. Everything black, faded, gone.

* * *

_"Our fate rests upon you... Chara! Stay determined!"  
_

* * *

Frisk screamed, as if awoken from a nightmare. They sat up, staring around wildly. They were in a pile of leaves outside Toriel's house. The SAVE point was there too, almost jeering at them.

 _Did I... did I just fucking die?_ thought Frisk. Their shaking hand reached out to touch the SAVE point.

_* . . .  
* File saved._

They had died. They had been brought back to the location of their last SAVE point. It really _was_ like in a video game.

_Oh God... this is fucked up. She just fucking killed me... I just burned to death..._

They felt their stomach twisting like a serpent inside them. _She killed me in cold blood... What do I even..._

Their tried to stand, but fell to their knees, their hands following suit. Their throat burned. Their vision blurred. They felt it rising. That awful sound. They couldn't keep it down. They threw up, or rather, threw down into the autumn pile. They'd barely eaten anything, so it was just painful, burning stomach acid and the accumulated saliva from their mouth.

They could feel tears running down their face, mixing with the residue on their bottom lip. They coughed, choking violently on the filthy shit from their stomach. They gasped, a few morbid chuckles escaping them. _I'm gonna kill her. She's going to die. I swear to God..._

Wiping their mouth with their sleeve, they finally pulled themselves to their feet. _I dunno... maybe I won't... I just... fuck._

Looking up at the cave ceiling, seeing a huge hole with light pouring down. They fell back down on their knees, sobbing. "Oh my God..." Their chest heaved under the weight of their death. They slammed their fists into the autumn kaleidoscope of leaves. "FUCK!"

They collapsed in the leaves, screaming. _"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?"_

* * *

Toriel was silent. Maybe she wasn't. Frisk couldn't hear over the crackling flames. The difference was that this time, they weren't blind. They knew she wasn't worth the words they could say to her.

They didn't move an inch, allowing the fireball to pass by them harmlessly.

_* Toriel stares at you with tear-stained eyes._

Toriel sniffled. The next onslaught of fireballs all but missed them. In fact, it seemed like she was missing on purpose now _._

"I won't fight," they said defiantly.

She stared at them, as if confused. "Why..." she whispered, before her voice rose. "Why won't you fight back?"

"This isn't my fight."

"Please, just... go back to your room."

"Fuck. You."

"I-I know I'm a w-wreck, but..."

"Got that right."

"We can have a good life here."

"Just stop, okay!" they shouted, finally snapping. "You can't give me a good life. You're fucking crazy! You killed m—" they froze. Did they really want to say that? As far as they knew, coming back to life after dying was not fucking normal for humans. They wanted her so badly to know what she did to them and make her live with it. But they figured there was no point. She was just gonna choose the coward's way out. How was she supposed to live with it then?

Swallowing their anger, they began again. "You tried to kill me. You think I'm just gonna forgive you? Do you think I'm fucking stupid? Am I just a fucking pawn to you? A blank human kid to project your own insecurities on?" They laughed. "I see right through you. You're not only stupid and pathetic, but probably the reason your kids died."

Toriel looked at them as though she'd just been stabbed. "B-but... my... child..."

"You know what mothers say, Toriel," they said, teeth gritted. "No if's, and's or buts."

Toriel fell to her knees, a downpour of tears falling from her eyes. "Please..." she sobbed as the fires around them died. "Don't leave me..."

"You're a fucking monster," said Frisk. "For the last time, just fucking _move_."

They waited. She was silent a while. Finally, she gave a sigh of defeat.

She extended her arms to them. _What, does she want me to hug her or something?_ wondered Frisk. _Fuck that._

Staring at them, betrayed and crushed, she whispered, "G-goodbye... my child..."

She staggered upstairs, leaving Frisk in the now-silent basement. They sat there, their clothes covered in soot, wondering if there had been a better way to end the fight. Should they have killed her, and given her the peace and happiness she wanted?

They shook their head. _Forget it. She doesn't deserve jack shit. I'm out of here. Might as well take the pie too.  
_

They walked upstairs, heading to their room. It was still on the desk, just where they'd left it. Somehow, it hadn't gone bad or soft at all. They took it to the kitchen, wrapped it in plastic wrap and pocketed it.

They headed back to the basement, which seemed to be an overly long hallway. It went straight on for a while, before turning left. At the end of that part of the hallway, there was a huge door embellished with the same emblem they'd seen when they first got here.

They pulled the door open. A room similar to the room they'd first met Toriel in was before them. All of a sudden, a flower erupted from the grassy patch in the middle of the room.

"Howdy!" Frisk immediately froze. _Not this guy again!_

The flower was bouncing up and down like an idiot. "I bet you feel _really_ great," he sneered. "You didn't kill anyone. But I know what you are," he added in sing-song. "You and I are just a bunch of relentless killers. You really oughta have killed her, you know..."

"Alright, you know what?" said Frisk angrily. "Your flower ass ain't got shit on me! You wanna test that theory, motherfucker? Huh? Come on!" They opened their arms in a fight-ready manner. "I'll stomp your ass into the ground!"

Flowey recoiled a bit, his shit-eating grin twitching. "Heeeeee... hee hee hee hehehehehahahaha... I was right, wasn't I?" he snickered. "What'll happen if you meet another you? A relentless killer... like me?" he laughed hysterically. "Will you kill me? Or will you stay dead and let me take control of the world?"

"Like hell I would," said Frisk, scowling. "Call me up whenever you're ready, because I'm down for some lawn work, you little bastard."

"Oh, soon, my little monarch, _soon_ ," he said, giggling spastically.

_'Little monarch'? What the fuck is this guy's deal?_

Flowey must've seen their expression, because he added, "Don't _bother_ yourself. My plan isn't _regicide_. This is gonna be SO much more interesting."

He sighed, his voice calming a little. "Well, I'll be watching. Just remember what we talked about. It's the only thing that's gonna matter when all's said and done. Good luck," he said, his voice rising back to his usual high-pitched southern accent. "Fuck off!" Then, he dove back underground.

_Fucking idiot._

They hurried out of the room, in case he decided to come back. The hallway that lay before them was one of the longest yet. After about a minute of non-stop walking, the Ruins exit stood before them. Their entry to the rest of the Underground.

_Toriel made it sound pretty dangerous... but then again, she was probably lying her ass off to make me stay.  
_

So, they figured whatever the challenge, they could handle it. They pushed open the door, stepping over the threshold.

An unnatural amount of light shone over them. They expected it to be some kind of dark cave. Instead, they were met with a snow-tipped forest. Thankfully, there was a path laid out before them. It seemed like all they had to do was go forwards. There was a loud clang as the Ruins exit door swung shut behind them. _Guess there's no going back._

They set off once again, the snow crunching beneath their boots. They began to feel uneasy after walking for a minute. It was eerily silent, and the trees dwarfed them, giving off a very ominous vibe. They tried to ignore it, just focusing on walking straight ahead.

They passed a lone stick lying in the middle of the path. They stepped over it, definitely not wanting to call attention to themselves if someone was nearby. Suddenly, they heard a crack from behind them. They spun around. The stick was cracked in two.

_But... I didn't step on it..._

They picked up the pace, walking much quicker now. There was a bridge up ahead. Some strange wooden posts were hanging over each side respectively. As they approached it, they heard the sound of crunching snow from behind them. Every instinct was screaming at them to run, hide, do _something_ , but still Frisk stood there, rooted to the spot.

The footsteps stopped. Then, a deep voice spoke.

"Human."

They could feel a presence right behind them. They wanted to move but they were practically frozen.

"Don't you know how to greet a new pal? Turn around and shake my hand."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we are! Chapter Two is done! Points if you guessed the pun in the title. I'll be doing that as frequently as possible.
> 
> Now, time for Chapter Trivia™!
> 
> 1\. The "drown her sorrows in a sea of red" is sort of making fun of the commonly used (and now cliche) phrase "drowning in a sea of sorrow". The "sea of red" refers to red wine (Toriel's favourite beverage) and is a shameless reference to an arc in the Drunk Chara comic series that crosses over with the Ask Frisk and Co. comic series.
> 
> 2\. Effexor is an antidepressant. I've never used it, I just like the name, so that's why I chose it instead of Prozac or some other random antidepressant. Not sponsored.
> 
> 3\. I tried to research meth cooking (no, I didn't just watch Breaking Bad) for this chapter because I wanted it to be accurate. A while ago, there was a scare story going around that the Australian rental housing biz was trying to cover up supposedly "toxic" levels of methamphetamine in the ventilation, walls, etc. by just painting over it. According to the story, just living in a house like this was enough to make you quite ill. So, I researched the smells, the process of cooking, etc. etc. so that it would (hopefully) be accurate. If I wrote something that was incorrect, please let me know.
> 
> 4\. Toriel is genuinely depressed and feeling like shit overall, but (mostly) keeps it together for the sake of the hypothetical next human to fall.
> 
> 5\. The whole "Asgore sends Toriel Nice Cream punch cards in the mail to beg for her to come back to him" idea was one I had before the writing of UNDERSNORT, so I decided to work it in for comedic effect.
> 
> 6\. Toriel's house is quite different in this. It has two floors, the second having guest rooms and a wine cellar in it (though it isn't so much a cellar, since those are underground). The Ruins were originally home to all monsters, so I imagine they allowed people to stay there if they ever needed it. Asgore wouldn't have been able to refuse.
> 
> 7\. I needed to add the 'Scandalous!' line in somehow. I particularly like how the narrator is scandalised by the sock drawer, yet my initial reaction was that I'd stumbled upon something a little less ordinary. Needless to say, I was thankful when the narrator explained it was just socks. All the more reason for Frisk to call it out.
> 
> 8\. Flowey's "Good luck. Fuck off!" line is a reference to HABIT's parting words to Noah in the TribeTwelve episode "Severance".
> 
> Well, that does it for this chapter! Wherever you are, I hope you're doing well!
> 
> I say to-mah-toe, you say to-may-toe,  
> \- offbrandbiscuit


	3. 03: "Ice" to Meet You!

"Turn around and shake my hand."

Frisk knew it was a trap. They knew that the moment they turned around, their vital organs would be torn from their body and strewn like Christmas decorations in the trees.

But, how could they refuse? Failure to comply would probably just make their inevitable death much more painful. Just because they could LOAD their SAVE file after dying didn't mean they felt like dying just to satisfy their morbid curiosity.

They turned around. The person was pretty short, more so than even them, which they took some comfort in. Their face was shadowed by the hood of their jumper, their hand outstretched.

Frisk quickly shook it. Then immediately wished they hadn't.

The sound of a whoopee cushion reverberated through the forest. Frisk stared them down, stoic gaze never wavering.

"heh, the old whoopee-cushion-in-the-hand trick," the person said, pulling their hood down. At last, Frisk could see who this weirdo _really_ was...

A skeleton. Or at least, he resembled one. His eye sockets were completely black, save for the white, bloodshot pupils in the centre. A wide smile was etched onto his face. He wore black shorts, a dark grey hoodie over a white joke shirt, and... pink, fluffy rabbit slippers.

Frisk could not resist laughing out loud. Slippers, for God's sake! Nothing said 'I-have-zero-redeeming-qualities' better than using slippers as your everyday footwear.

He grinned. "hey, guess i'm right. it's ALWAYS funny."

Frisk hadn't the heart to tell him what they were laughing at.

He had a deep, late-twenties-sounding voice, coupled with a speech pattern that could only belong to a wise guy. His voice had a weird edge to it, though. Sort of faraway, a bit like Flowey's.

"heh... anyway, i'm sans. sans the skeleton," he said, returning his hands to his hoodie pockets. "and you are?"

With great difficulty, they managed to can their laughter. For now. "I'm Frisk," they answered.

"fresk, huh? cool name, hombre," said Sans.

"It's not _Fresk_ ," they started. "It's Fri—"

"want one?"

"I— what?"

Sans waved a cigarette in their face. It was definitely not the kind that was sitting in their pocket. They considered just agreeing and then turning back the clock later, but quickly reprimanded themselves for being so stupid. _I don't even know what that is. What the hell are you thinking?_

"Nah, I'm good, thanks," they replied.

Sans shrugged, mumbling "suit yourself" as he withdrew a lighter from his pocket. He flicked the wheel with a bony finger. He held the end of the cigarette out, the lighter's flame igniting the end. He held it there for a few seconds, before snapping the lighter shut. He pressed the cigarette to his mouth, inhaling whatever it was that was in there. He did this for so long that Frisk considered asking if he was okay. Then, all of a sudden, he tore the cigarette away from his mouth, spewing plumes of smoke into the air.

_* Smells like cannabis._

Frisk nearly gagged. "Ugh, smells like shit more like. Fuck."

Sans coughed. "just a lil' weed is all. ever heard of it?"

They rolled their eyes. "Great, yet another crybaby with a drug addiction."

"no need to get personal, fresk. they're just dried plant leaves, rolled up in papers for your conve—"

"Seriously, call me _Fresk_ one more time and I will—"

He raised his hands in surrender. "a'ight, a'ight," he said testily. "anyways, you're a human, right?"

_I had a feeling we'd get to that._

"What does that matter?" They asked, a little rudely.

The hands that had just been lowered were raised once more. "i ain't judgin', just askin' a question," he said, then muttered to himself, "sheesh, old lady, you really know how to pick 'em..."

_Does he know Toriel?_

"anyway, i'm actually supposed to be on watch for humans right now," said Sans. "but, uh, truthfully? i don't really care much for it. i got better things to do anyway."

Frisk relaxed a little.

"now, my brother... he's a human-hunting FANATIC," he said matter-of-factly. "actually..." He paused, as if listening for something. "i think that's him up ahead."

Sure enough, Frisk could hear the sound of someone angrily shouting off in the distance. "Oh, great job, retard," they said, throwing an accusing glare at Sans.

"hey, don't look at me," he replied, looking bitter. "he comes through here every so often to make sure i'm workin'." He walked past them, gesturing for them to follow. "c'mon. my bro made the bars too wide to stop anyone," he added, seeing their visible confusion toward the wooden creation.

"Well, for my sake, I hope he's as good at hunting humans as he is at keeping them out," they replied.

Up ahead there was a small clearing. In that clearing there was some kind of roofed wooden hut and, for some reason, a dusty, unplugged purple lamp just _sitting_ there.

"quick, behind that conveniently-shaped lamp," said Sans.

Frisk gave him a look of utter incredulity. "Are you insulting me? I may be short, but I'm no midget."

"c'mon, get behind there, quick."

"How you wound me with your heightism," they replied sarcastically, running over to the wooden hut, flipping him the finger over their shoulder. They dove behind it as the sound rattling bones approached. They peered over the counter, trying to stay hidden, but also wanting a good view of what was about to happen.

Sans's brother strode into view. He was much taller than Sans, and dressed like a budget gladiator.

"'ey, 'sup bro?" greeted Sans.

"YOU KNOW WHAT'S 'SUP' BROTHER!" Frisk had not been prepared for his overly loud, booming voice. He sounded like a dictator addressing his subjects over a PA system.

"i think you mean 'what 'sup'," he corrected.

"SILENCE, SANS!" he shouted. "IT'S BEEN EIGHT—" He stomped. " _GODDAMNED—_ " He stomped again. " _DAYS_ SINCE YOU LAST RECALIBRATED YOUR PUZZLES!" He flung his arms out dramatically. "WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU, SANS?"

Sans had no other response to this other than to shrug.

"YOU ARE SUCH A LAZYBONES!" He admonished loudly. "YOU JUST HANG AROUND YOUR STATION, SMOKING POT! ARE YOU DOING _ANY_ WORK AT ALL?"

"yeah. staring at this lamp," Sans replied in monotone. "pretty cool, yeah? wanna come take a look-see?"

The tall skeleton shook his head, stomping like a petulant child again. "NO I DO _NOT_! I NEED TO BE _READY_! WHAT IF A HUMAN CAME THROUGH HERE?"

Sans shrugged. "beats me."

The skeleton continued, as if he had not heard Sans's answer. "I _WILL_ BE THE ONE! I _MUST_ BE THE ONE! I WILL CAPTURE A HUMAN!" He raved. Frisk's ears were hurting just from listening to him. _PLEASE_ _somebody revoke his megaphone privileges._

"THEN I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS..." He struck a confident pose, his red cape blowing in the wind behind him, "WILL GET ALL THE THINGS I UTTERLY DESERVE!" He looked off dreamily into the distance. "RESPECT! RECOGNITION! I WILL FINALLY BE ABLE TO JOIN THE ROYAL GUARD! PEOPLE WILL ASK TO BE MY 'FRIEND'! I WILL BATHE IN A SHOWER OF KISSES EVERY MORNING!"

_Because friends bathe each other in a shower of platonic kisses every morning._

"hmm... maybe this lamp'll help you?" Sans suggested. This seemed like too much for him to take.

"SANS! YOU ARE NOT HELPING! YOU _LAZYBONES_! ALL YOU DO IS SIT AND BOONDOGGLE! YOU GET LAZIER AND LAZIER EVERY DAY!" He ranted.

"hey, relax, paps. i got a _ton_ of work done today," he winked. "a _skele-ton_."

 _*_ _Smells like a rimshot._

"SANS, THAT WAS _NOT_ FUNNY!" He shouted.

"c'mon. you're smiling."

"I AM AND I HATE IT!" replied Papyrus, sighing. "WHY DOES A PERSON AS GREAT AS ME... HAVE TO DO SO MUCH JUST TO GET SOME RECOGNITION?"

Frisk rolled their eyes. _Imagine having to work for recognition._

"wow, sounds like you're _really_ workin' yourself," said Sans. "down to the _bone_."

 _*_ _Smells like a second rimshot._

"UGH!" shouted Papyrus. "I WILL ATTEND TO MY PUZZLES. AS FOR YOUR WORK?" He straightened up. "HOW ABOUT YOU PUT A LITTLE MORE _BACKBONE_ INTO IT! NYEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH!" He laughed boisterously. "HEH." Then, he ran off.

"alright, you can come out now, hombre," said Sans. Frisk emerged, unable to hide their look of disgust. " _That's_ your brother?"

"sure is. what'd ya think of him?"

 _* Opinion of Papyrus?  
* Cool | _ **Uncool**

"Most uncool guy I've ever met," said Frisk decisively.

Sans frowned. "'ey, hombre, sarcasm isn't funny,"

Frisk rolled their eyes. "I don't give a damn what you think, Mr. Skele- _ton_."

Sans sucked in air through his teeth. "ouch, hombre. that's not how pals treat each other."

"Who said we were pals?" said Frisk, brushing snow off their knees. "I have to get going."

"that reminds me... my bro would _really_ like to see a human. so... it'd really help if... y'know... you played along."

"Hell to the no," they said, then quickly started walking. Sans called out to them, "'ey hombre! you _sure_ you don't even want a _puff_ of it?"

Frisk shook their head. "Yep."

After a bit of walking, they found themselves at a fork in the road. A star was twinkling nearby. They approached it, reaching their hand out to it.

 _* The convenience of that lamp (that you didn't need anyways...)_ still _fills you with determination. HP fully restored.  
* File saved._

Frisk noticed a box and sign up ahead. Being the curious type, Frisk checked the box first. There was nothing inside except for a huge balloon-like glove. They picked it up. It was slightly sticky to the touch.

_* Sock 'Em Bopper (+5 Attack)  
* Has the initials "M.T." written on it in permanent marker. Also appears to be bloodstained..._

_Looks like a murder weapon,_ thought Frisk, repulsed.

They chucked it back in the box. It wasn't worth carrying anyway. According to the sign next to the box, it would appear in the next box they saw, meaning they wouldn't have to carry it. Humouring 'Box Lover', they tossed the razor glove into the box _._

Frisk headed north. It lead them to what looked like someone's fishing spot. A fishing rod was stuck in the snow, the line cast out into the water. Frisk picked it up, reeling it in. A photo was stuck on the hook. They pulled it off, taking a quick glance at it, before tossing it in the water out of pure disgust. The monster on it had looked... too disgusting to put in writing. And then someone (most likely the monster) had written on the bottom: _Here's my number. Call me!_

_* You decided not to call._

Frisk shook their head, walking back to the SAVE point. They SAVED once more, heading straight forward this time.

Sans and Papyrus were standing there, talking to each other.

_Huh... that's strange. Could've sworn he stayed behind..._

"SO, AS I WAS SAYING ABOUT UNDYNE..." started Papyrus, before stopping. He looked at Frisk, then at Sans, who did the same. They repeated this a few times, starting to spin in a circle. Then, they stopped. Then, turned around, their backs to Frisk.

"OH MY GOD!" shouted Papyrus. Then, to Sans. "IS THAT A HUMAN?"

"ah, no," said Sans. "that's a rock."

"OH..." He sounded disappointed.

"hey, what's that behind you?" asked Sans quickly.

"HUH?" asked Papyrus, turning around. He blinked for a second, confused. "SANS, WHAT IS THAT?"

"well..." said Sans, pulling out another joint and lighting it. "it's not a rock."

"OH MY!" exclaimed Papyrus. "BY PROCESS OF ELIMINATION, THAT MEANS... IT'S A HUMAN!"

Frisk shot Sans with one of their flower-wilting death glares.

"WOWIE! I'M GOING TO BE SO... POPULAR!" He gushed. "POP-ULAR! POP-ULAR!"

After about thirty seconds of him rejoicing, he turned to Frisk again, clearing his throat. "HUMAN! THIS TOWN ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US!"

Frisk nodded. "Mmhmm."

Papyrus continued. "YOU SEE, BLOWDIN IS MY TERRITORY! HOWEVER, FEAR NOT! I AM WILLING TO LET YOU PASS, UNSCATHED, IF YOU PRESENT SOME FORM OF IDENTIFICATION!"

This simple question made Frisk wonder: did monsters even _have_ identification? They personally couldn't see the Underground being big enough to require borders and passports. _I'll humour him,_ thought Frisk. _I might be able to weasel my way out of it that way. Besides, he's an idiot. Who confuses a rock with a human?_

"Left it at home," lied Frisk. "I live here. Howsabout I run along and grab it for ya?"

Papyrus scoffed. "WE DON'T EVEN _HAVE_ ID!" he jeered. "THAT WAS A LIE! A _FIB_!"

 _Okay,_ _not gonna lie, that was a pretty decent jape._

"SO, I SUGGEST YOU PREPARE YOURSELF! FOR HIGH JINKS! LOW JINKS! DANGERS! PUZZLES! CAPERS! JAPERS! BEING CAPTURED—" Frisk involuntarily flinched. "AND OTHER SORTS OF FUN ACTIVITIES! REFRESHMENTS _WILL_ BE PROVIDED... IF YOU DARE! NYEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!"

He rushed off, presumably to prepare his puzzles.

Sans stayed behind, still smoking. Frisk approached him. "He wasn't serious about that whole 'capturing' thing, was he?"

"are you kidding? yeah, sure he is," said Sans nonchalantly. Frisk stared at him.

"what? cat got your tongue or somethin'?" He asked, puffing out rings of smoke. Frisk threw their hands up.

"Well, thanks for showing so much regard for my safety!" they shouted. "It's only my fucking _life_."

"i never said he'd kill ya," he pointed out. "don't worry, hombre. i'll keep an eye-socket out for ya." With that, he left.

 _Guess I have to follow him,_ thought Frisk.

They only stopped because they were interested in the structure nearby. It appeared to be an oversized cardboard box with a large hole cut in the front, making it resemble a marketplace counter. The sign next to it said: _YOU OBSERVE THE WELL-CRAFTED SENTRY STATION. WHO WOULD HAVE BUILT THIS, YOU WONDER. I BET IT WAS THAT VERY FAMOUS ROYAL GUARDSMAN!_

_NOTE: NOT YET A VERY FAMOUS ROYAL GUARDSMAN._

They were about to head off again, before they were rudely interrupted by a huge bird monster fluttering into their path. He struck some macho pose, icy features clinking together.

_* Snowdrake flutters forth!_

_* FIGHT |_ **ACT** _| ITEM | MERCY  
* _ **Check** _| Joke | Heckle | Laugh_

_* SNOWDRAKE - 6 ATK 2 DEF  
* This teen comedian struggles to keep a captive audience._

"M... m..." The drake monster stammered, struggling to come up with a joke. "M-macaroni and 'freeze'."

Frisk rolled their eyes. "Oh my God, shut up."

Snowdrake summoned crescent-shaped bullets that sloped towards them. Thankfully, they'd dealt with much worse from Toriel, so the attack was easy-peasy.

_* It smells like a wet pillow._

_* Check | Joke |_ **Heckle** _| Laugh_

"Boooo," they chanted boredly.

He snarled. "Is your soul as rotten as _you_?" His anger blinding him, he put more aggression into his second attack, though at the cost of any accuracy.

 _*_ _Constructive criticism does not seem to work on this enemy._

"You're not. Even. Funny," said Frisk emotionless.

Snowdrake looked a little hurt. "I... I don't care!" He said, puffing himself up. "Just 'chill' out! U-unless y-you wanna... f-fight in 'cold' blood!"

Frisk sighed. "Buddy. Nobody's ever gonna love you the way you are."

"I— well— YOU— uh..." He hung his head.

_* Snowdrake tries and fails to come up with a witty remark, then slinks away, utterly crushed._

_* You won! You earned 0 EXP and 12 GOLD._

They started walking again. They weren't initially suspicious of the sentry station up ahead, and they weren't even surprised when a dog-like monster poked his head out from behind the counter.

"Did something move?" His voice sounded Australian. "I can only see moving things."

_That's a relief._

"If something _was_ moving, a human, for instance..."

_Are you fucking serious._

"I'll make sure it _never_ moves again!"

The monster leapt over the counter. Frisk dived out of the way, but was still unable to worm their way out of the fight.

_* Doggo blocks the way!_

_* FIGHT |_ **ACT** _| ITEM | MERCY_

 _*_ **Check** _| Pet_

_* DOGGO - 13 ATK 7 DEF  
* Easily excited by movements. Hobbies include: squirrels._

"Don't move," he ordered. One of the daggers he was holding enlarged, moving eerily towards Frisk.

 _How am I supposed to avoid_ that _?_ they thought. There was nowhere to go. All there was to do was brace for the inevitable pain...

...which never came. The dagger slipped through their chest. It felt as if it had been dripping wet. Frisk was completely unharmed.

_* Doggo can't seem to find anything._

_* FIGHT |_ **ACT** _| ITEM | MERCY_

 _* Check |_ **Pet**

Frisk reached out their hand, petting the top of his head. He yelped loudly.

"ARGH! I've been pet!" He yelped, as if he had been shot. "Put? Pet? Pot? Pat?"

_* Doggo has been pet._

_Good, I hope he's in a lot of pain,_ they thought.

_* You won! You earned 0 EXP and 20 GOLD._

Doggo looked around, scratching his ears. "Huh... that wasn't too bad, actually," he said, returning to his sentry station. He took out a box of dog treats, lighting one as if it were a cigarette. He breathed in the smoke from the dog treat, before blowing out a careful, controlled cloud of bacon-flavoured smoke.

 _He's actually smoking dog treats,_ thought Frisk. _H_ _ow much crazier can this place get?_

"Do those even work?" they asked. Doggo looked over at them.

"Oh, you're still here," he said. "Yeah, they work. And the company that makes these..." he added proudly, "Sprinkle in some good ol' fashioned THC."

"Right..." said Frisk. _Well, I'm outta here. Time to confront Papyrus and all that bullshit.  
_

* * *

"SANS! YOU'RE SUCH A SLOB!" Papyrus was saying. "YOU WERE NAPPING ALL DAMN NIGHT!"

"uh, pretty sure that's called 'sleeping'," Sans replied.

"EXCUSES, EXCUSES!" shouted Papyrus. "I WAS STILL UP, WORKING HARDER THAN YOU EVER HAVE IN YOUR LIFE!"

He opened his mouth to continue, but caught sight of Frisk and stopped.

"OHO! THE HUMAN ARRIVES!" said Papyrus, rubbing his gloved hands together. "SO, YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST COME WALTZING INTO BLOWDIN AS YOU PLEASE? WELL... THINK AGAIN! IF YOU WANT TO PROCEED, YOU WILL HAVE TO SOLVE MY PUZZLES! I THINK YOU'LL FIND THIS ONE..." He grinned. " _QUITE SHOCKING!_ FOR THIS IS... THE DREADED ELECTRICITY MAZE!"

Frisk stared at the square patch of ground in front of them. "Uh, where exactly _is_ the maze?"

Papyrus stopped. "HUH?"

"Where is the maze?"

Papyrus looked confused. "WHY, IT'S RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU, HUMAN!"

Frisk caught Sans's eye and twirled their finger in a circle near their ear.

"ANYWAY, AS I WAS SAYING... THERE ARE _SOME_ PARTS OF THE GROUND THAT ARE SAFE TO STEP ON. IF YOU STEP ON THE WRONG ONE..." He pulled out what looked like a stress ball. "THIS ORB WILL ADMINISTER A HEARTY ZAP!"

"How many volts?"

"WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND YOUR QUESTIONS?" asked Papyrus. "JUST GET ON WITH IT!"

Frisk shrugged. "Fine." Then, to themselves, "I just wanted to know whether or not it would _roast me alive_."

They were getting ready to step forward, but hesitated. If Papyrus was holding the orb, wouldn't that zap him instead? _Should I tell him?_ thought Frisk. _...nah, I'll let him find out for himself_.

" _WHAT_ IS TAKING SO DAMN LONG?" he practically screamed.

"Alright, alright. Suit yourself," said Frisk, stepping forward. A loud buzzing sound filled the air momentarily as Papyrus was zapped by the orb.

" _HOLY MOTHER OF CHRIST!_ " screamed Papyrus. "SANS! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?"

Sans shrugged. "nothin'. i think fresk has to hold the orb or somethin'."

Frisk threw him an angry look. "It's not _Fresk_ ," they started. "It's Fri—"

"OH, IS THAT THE HUMAN'S NAME?" asked Papyrus. Sans nodded.

"WHAT A STUPID NAME!" He said. "ANYWAY, BACK TO THE PUZZLE..."

He walked onto the patch of ground, inadvertently marking out the correct path for Frisk to take. "HERE, HOLD THIS."

He shoved the orb into their arms, and then hurried back. He snickered. "LET'S SEE YOU TRY TO BEAT THIS PUZZLE NOW!"

Frisk did just that.

Papyrus went slack-jawed. "IMPOSSIBLE!" He shouted. "VERY WELL, HUMAN... YOU WIN THIS ROUND. BUT NEXT TIME..." He stated proudly, sticking a finger up in the air. "YOU WON'T BE SO LUCKY! THE NEXT PUZZLE WAS MADE BY MY BROTHER, SANS!" He hurried off to the next puzzle.

Sans stayed behind as usual. Frisk approached him. "Dude, the weirdest shit just happened to me back there."

He gave them a curious look. "lay it on me."

"Some treat-smoking dog motherfucker—"

"that'd be doggo, he's part of the blowdin canine unit."

"Canine unit?"

Sans nodded. "small division of the royal guard."

"Right... Anyway, he hit me with this big-ass blue knife and it just... passed through me. Didn't do shit."

"oh yeah, i forgot to mention that. that's called a blue attack," said Sans. "basically, when you see one of those, just don't move, and you'll be fine." He winked. "just be _patient_ , hombre."

"Why didn't you tell me this before?"

"like i said, i forgot."

"You suck."

* * *

The next part of the forest appeared to be centred around what seemed to be a mini-golf course. However, Frisk was more interested in the rabbit monster that was leaning against a mobile ice-cream stand, looking sad.

They approached him. "Hey, what's up?"

He sighed in response. "I'm not doing too well... nobody around here seems to like the idea of a sweet, frozen treat that warms your heart... Well, that's what I've been writing on the advertisements."

"Hey, that sounds pretty good to me," said Frisk. The vendor perked up.

"Really? Wow! Well, uh... Nice Cream is normally 10G, but since you're my only customer today, I'll cut you a deal," said the Nice Cream salesman. "I'll give ya fifty percent off _if_..." He looked around, as if to make sure nobody was looking. "If you can get me some weed."

Frisk stepped back. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. That was..." They hesitated, unsure of how to describe the request. "Unexpected."

The salesman sighed. "Come on, buddy," He pleaded. "It's the offer of a _lifetime_!"

Frisk was feeling more and more uncomfortable by the minute. Why was it that every single person in this universe only existed to either beg for drugs or try to sell them? They had already decided to leave, but got a bright idea and decided not to.

"Alright, pal," said Frisk conspiratorially. "I'll do _you_ a deal. I get you some weed and you give me some Nice Cream for nothing." They were expecting the look of shock on his face, and ready to deal with it.

"B-but... I _need_ money as well!" The salesman said, outraged.

Frisk nodded. "Oh, yeah, totally. If that's so, why the fuck would you waste money buying drugs when you could be spending it on food and shelter?"

The salesman froze. His cheeks were burning in embarrassment. Frisk nodded decisively, then turned away, leaving him behind.

They headed towards the mini-golf course. It was shaped like a Z. A snowball lay at the start of the course. Naturally, at the end of the course, there was a hole.

Surprisingly, Frisk was a mini-golf pro. Unfortunately, they did not do a good job at showing this off, because they hadn't a putter. The ball also got smaller and smaller as time went by, then disappeared. Weirdly enough, a ball then materialised at the start of the course.

This time, they were careful, leading the ball through, letting it disappear before it fell into the hole. They repeated this a few times until they felt they had gotten the course down. Then, they played quickly and accurately. The ball fell into the hole within a matter of seconds.

A red flag poked upwards out of the hole. On the flag was written: _Bravery. Justice. Integrity. Kindness. Perseverance. Patience. Using these, you were able to win at "Ball Game"._

_* You are awarded 50G._

Frisk could barely contain their excitement as the hole spat out fifty gold coins. They quickly scooped up their winnings before anybody could swipe them.

Sans was lounging near some trees. _He seems to be everywhere_ , thought Frisk, as they approached him. "Tell Papyrus I solved the puzzle," they said.

"hombre, that wasn't the puzzle. what you just did."

Frisk looked at him quizzically.

"The puzzle's not here?"

"yeah. that was just a game to pass the time. so, you scooped the grand prize, eh, hombre?" He looked at Frisk's pockets, which were sure to explode any moment with the amount of gold in it. "mind if i take a look?"

"Not unless you're comfortable with losing some fingers," said Frisk.

Sans just chuckled.

* * *

Frisk didn't even question how Sans got ahead when they reached the next puzzle. Papyrus cleared his throat, before announcing: "ALRIGHT HUMAN! ARE YOU READY FOR..." He trailed off. He looked around. Then, he turned on Sans, furious.

"WHERE IS THE PUZZLE, SANS?"

"right there on the ground," he drawled. "trust me paps, there's _no way_ they'll get past this one." He winked at Frisk.

It was a word search that had been cut out of a newspaper. On the left, there was a drawing of an ice cube with the face of a dog. The speech bubble underneath it read: _Hey kid's! Can you help me solve this puzzle?_

Despite the completely unnecessary apostrophe, Frisk was relieved. _Thank God, it's something normal. Although it would've helped if you'd BROUGHT A MARKER OR SOMETHING._

They snorted, tossing the piece of paper away. They began to walk forward.

"IT'S NOT WORKING, SANS!" shouted Papyrus.

"damn. knew i should've used today's crossword instead," said Sans, pretending to look disappointed.

Papyrus rolled his eyes. "OH _PLEASE_... JUNIOR JUMBLE IS _EASILY_ THE HARDEST."

"what? that easy-peasy word scramble?" asked Sans rhetorically. "pff, that's for babybones."

Papyrus shook his head. "UN. BELIEVABLE." He turned to Frisk. "HUMAN! SOLVE THIS DISPUTE!"

 _* Which is harder?  
* Junior Jumble | _ **Crossword**

"Without a doubt, it's got to be the crossword," they said.

Papyrus screwed up his face in disgust, physically recoiling. "EW! YOU GUYS ARE WEIRD!" he shouted, before running off again.

"'ey, wanna hear a story?" asked Sans.

"Actually, no."

"so, one time, me and paps were invited to a costume party—"

"I just said I didn't want to hear it."

"and he made that outfit just for the occasion. now he wears it all the time—"

"I hate you."

"keeps callin' it his 'battle body'..."

Frisk didn't even respond this time.

"man, isn't my brother cool?" said Sans, smiling widely.

"I stand by what I said. Most uncool guy ever," said Frisk stubbornly, walking away from him.

* * *

Frisk was a little confused by the next "puzzle". An unplugged microwave sat on a table next to another table with a plate of spaghetti on it. A SAVE point was glimmering nearby.

They approached the spaghetti. One poke was all they needed to tell it was frozen solid. A note lay on the table, ironically written in the Papyrus font.

 _HUMAN,_ it read, _PLEASE ENJOY THIS SPAGHETTI. LITTLE DO YOU KNOW... THAT THIS SPAGHETTI IS A TRAP! DESIGNED TO ENTICE YOU! YOU'LL BE SO BUSY TRYING TO FIND A WAY TO EAT IT..._

_THAT YOU WON'T REALISE YOU AREN'T MAKING PROGRESS!_

_THOROUGHLY JAPED AGAIN BY THE GREAT PAPYRUS!_

_NYEH HEH HEH,  
PAPYRUS_

The microwave seemed to be only be there to further rub it in. All the settings said _Spaghetti_.

Frisk walked over to the SAVE point, reaching their hand out to it.

_* Knowing the mouse might one day find a way to heat up the spaghetti fills you with determination. HP fully restored.  
* File saved._

_Mouse? What mouse?_ They looked over at the tables. In the cliff, there was a small mouse hole. _Oh... that one._

They left the spaghetti behind, ready to solve the next puzzle. This puzzle was almost laughably easy. There was a square pile of snow that had obviously been tampered with. There were instructions underneath that detailed how to deactivate some spikes. The switch was behind some trees. They quickly headed over. It was on the back of the tree's trunk. The moment they flipped it, their SOUL was pulled from their chest.

 _God damn it, Frisk!_ They mentally scolded. _Of course it was too easy! It was a trap!_

_* Lesser Dog appears._

_* FIGHT |_ **ACT** _| ITEM MERCY  
* _ **Check** _| Pet | Pet | Pet | Pet | Pet_

_* LESSER DOG - 12 ATK 2 DEF  
* Wields a stone dogger made of pomer-granite._

_Is everything in this stupid town some kind of pun?_ thought Frisk. _I bet even its_ name _is a pun!_

The dog monster rushed towards them, panting. Frisk rolled their eyes. How could an innocent-looking dog _ever_ hope to hurt _them_?

"Alright, nice dog," they said mechanically. "Why don't you go fetch a stick or lick your arse or something?"

It produced a light blue spear. Frisk immediately took several steps back. _Okay, should've known better._

The spear was, not to put too fine a point on it, _massive_. But, seeing that it was blue, Frisk stayed still, allowing it to pass through them. Again, they felt that strange, wet sensation in the place of impact.

 _Magic is weird..._ they thought.

_* Smells like dog chow._

_* FIGHT |_ **ACT** _| ITEM | MERCY  
* Check | _ **Pet** _| Pet | Pet | Pet | Pet |_

_* You barely lifted your hand and Lesser Dog got excited._

"(Pant, pant.)" It said.

All of a sudden, a small white dog appeared out of nowhere. It yapped a little, before running towards them, leaping into the air. Frisk jumped out of the way well before the dog fell. Actually, it was almost like it was floating towards the ground, rather than falling.

 _Maybe if I give this stupid thing what it wants, it'll leave me alone,_ thought Frisk.

_* You lightly touched the dog... it's already over-excited._

"(Pant! Pant!)"

This attack was less severe. Some regular spears came flying towards them. They dodged it with ease.

_* You pet the Dog. It raises its head to meet your hand._

"(Pant! Pant!)"

_* You pet the Dog. It was a good Dog._

"(Excited noises.)"

_* You pet the Dog. Its excitement knows no bounds._

"(Motor revving.)"

_* Critical pet! Dog excitement increased!_

"(Plane take-off.)"

_* You have to jump up to pet the Dog._

_Yeah, cool. Wait, WHAT._

They stared at the Lesser Dog. Was its neck that long before...?

They tentatively raised a hand to pet it again. The more they pet, the more they noticed that its neck was extending.

_* You don't even pet the dog, and it still gets excited._

"(Kettle whistle.)"

_* There is no way to stop this madness._

Without even petting it, the dog's neck extended up into the clouds.

_* Lesser Dog shows no signs of stopping._

_* Lesser Dog enters the realm of the clouds._

"Get the fuck down from there!" shouted Frisk.

_* You call the Dog but it is too late. It cannot hear you._

They should've stopped then and there, but they were still invested in torturing this poor bastard with whatever black magic they were unlocking by petting it.

_* ..._

Then, all of a sudden, they could see the dog's head slowly extending towards the ground again.

_* You can see Lesser Dog again._

_* You pet Lesser Dog._

_* Lesser Dog is lowering._

_* It's possible you may have a problem._

_* Lesser Dog is learning to read._

The dog's head lowered so far that it accidentally slipped off the cliff. "Oh shit."

 _* Check |_ **Pet** _| Pet | Pet | Pet | Pet_

 _* Lesser Dog is un_ _-_ _pettable, but appreciates the attempt._

_* Lesser Dog is whining because it can't see you._

Then, after maybe about ten more pets (although at this point, they had lost count), Lesser Dog's head appeared in their peripheral vision.

_* Hello there._

"'sup, you ugly bastard," greeted Frisk.

_* Perhaps mankind was not meant to pet this much._

They pet the Dog again and again. They weren't going to stop until it couldn't stretch any further.

_* It continues._

_* Lesser Dog is questioning your choices._

_* Lesser Dog is beyond your reach._

_* Lesser Dog has gone where no Dog has gone before._

The narrator of this epic journey was clearly over the entire thing, and had been for a while now.

_* Really..._

And to be fair, Frisk was also pretty over it too. Nothing was really changing at all. It seemed this freak of nature had already reached its maximum neck length.

 _* FIGHT | ACT | ITEM |_ **MERCY  
** _*_ **Spare** _| Flee_

_* You won! You earned 0 EXP and 60 GOLD._

And just like that, it was over. Frisk yawned, suddenly confused. _H... how long was I doing that?_ They looked above. It was noticeably darker than it had been before. _Are you_ _fucking_ _serious? I've been doing this for_ _nearly half a goddamned hour!_

They quickly stood up, brushing the snow off their black trousers. They hurried away from that hellhole, promising never to fuck with black magic of that tier again.

They passed the spikes, and were walking towards what would _surely_ be an enjoyable puzzle, when they were halted by two creatures in black cloaks.

"(What is that smell?)" asked one.

"(If you are a smell... Identify yoursmelf!)" said the other.

The two moved quickly, attempting to locate the source of the "smell". Eventually, they stopped, flanking Frisk from both sides.

"(...there's that smell.)"

"(It makes me want to eliminate...)"

"(Eliminate YOU!)"

_This place is full of racists, I swear._

_* Dogi assault you!_

_* FIGHT |_ **ACT** _| ITEM | MERCY_

 _*_ **Check** _| Check_

_* DOGAMY - 14 ATK 6 DEF  
* Husband of Dogaressa. Knows only what he smells._

"Number two Nuzzle Champs '98!" said Dogamy proudly.

"(Of course we were second...)" said Dogaressa.

The small white dog appeared again. As if born of its own fur, blue and white hearts began circling Frisk. They avoided this easily.

_* The Dogi are calling each other pet names._

_* Check |_ **Check**

_* DOGARESSA - 14 ATK 6 DEF  
* This puppy finds her hubby lovely. SMELLS ONLY?_

"Don't touch my hot dog!" said Dogaressa, as if Frisk had just flirted with him.

"(She means me.)" added Dogamy.

They threw their axes at Frisk, who quickly dodged. The blades bounced towards them from both sides. Frisk avoided it, nearly throwing up when they saw the axes crisscross for a second. The gap in between them resembled a love heart.

"Okay, this is _some_ bullshi—" they were muttering to themselves, before one of the Dogi's axes hit them. Thankfully, it wasn't the sharp end, but it wasn't much consolation when they were flung back into a tree, banging their head and collapsing in the snow. They groaned, vision blurred and head spinning. They tried to crawl away, but just fell back down. "Fuck..."

The Dogi approached. _Wish you could see me now, Sans. You motherfucker._

Dogaressa sniffed at the air. "What? Where is that smell coming from?"

The two approached, filthy muzzles unnervingly close to their face. They sniffed them a few times. "(Are... are you actually a lost puppy?)"

Frisk shoved them away. "FUCK. OFF!" they shouted, grabbing at their throbbing head.

"Wow!" exclaimed Dogaressa. "Pet by another pup..."

"(A new world has opened up for us...)" said Dogamy.

_* You won! You earned 0 EXP and 50 GOLD._

The two exchanged a kiss, then went on their merry way. Frisk lay there in the snow for a while longer, waiting for the pain to subside. _Fucking idiots. All of them._

* * *

Two tiles lay before them, both X-shaped. The sign in front of them proclaimed that they needed to step on them to change them to a circle, and that the button opposite the puzzle could be used to reset the button type. The switch could, however, complete the puzzles if the tiles had been changed to circles.

They simply walked forward, changing both buttons to circles with ease. They pressed the switch, and the spikes deactivated. _Easy enough._

The next version of this puzzle was much larger. There were at least 15 tiles. Thankfully, Papyrus was dawdling about aimlessly. _Maybe I can get him to tell me how to solve the puzzle._

"OH, HELLO FRESK," he greeted. Frisk scowled.

"Fucking... it's Frisk, not Fresk!" they said indignantly.

"ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! ANYWAY, I WAS GOING TO ASK... WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY SPAGHETTI?"

 _* What will you say?  
* Ate it | _ **Left it**

"I left it, you dumbfuck," said Frisk, rolling their eyes. "What, you expected me to eat a frozen fucking spaghetti?"

"R-REALLY? YOU... LEFT IT?" He asked, almost in awe. "YOU... LEFT IT SO THAT I COULD EAT IT MYSELF? W-WOW!"

_Whatever. Whatever makes you happy._

"B-BUT FEAR NOT, HUMAN! I, MASTER CHEF PAPYRUS—" _Seems like a stretch._ "WILL MAKE YOU ALL THE SPAGHETTI YOU COULD EVER WANT! FIRST, WE JUST HAVE TO SOLVE THIS PUZZLE..."

"You made it, though," Frisk pointed out. "So you should know how to solve it."

"YES, I DID... EXCEPT THE RAIN CHANGED THE SHAPE OF THE PUZZLE. I ORIGINALLY MADE IT TO RESEMBLE MY FACE—" _No surprises there._ "BUT NOW EVEN _I_ DON'T KNOW HOW TO SOLVE IT," he sniffled.

"Alright, ya big baby, calm down. We'll solve this one."

"R-REALLY?"

"Yep."

Papyrus was practically beside himself. "YOU MUST REALLY LIKE PUZZLES!"

It took about five minutes for Frisk to solve the puzzle. "WOWIE! YOU DID IT! I'LL SEE YOU AT THE NEXT PUZZLE!" He said, running off.

Sans was leaning against a tree once again. As if he had nothing better to do. "hey, great work on that puzzle hombre," he drawled. "you didn't even need my help. which is great 'cause i like doing absolutely nothing." He winked.

Frisk scowled. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't talk to you any longer than this, but I have some questions."

"have you changed your mind in regards to my offer?" asked Sans hopefully.

"No," said Frisk distastefully.

"oh," he said, looking annoyed. "right."

"Anyway, I wanted to know how you keep getting ahead," said Frisk. "You always wait behind, and yet, you're always up ahead with Papyrus."

Sans stared blankly at them for a moment. "let's just say... there's some pretty good shortcuts around here."

"Shortcuts?"

"yep."

"Right..." said Frisk, although they didn't believe him.

"anyway, i'll be up ahead, as per usual," said Sans. He smiled knowingly, and then set off on foot, leaving Frisk behind.

 _I know something's going on with him... maybe he's a commie,_ they thought.

* * *

Papyrus and Sans were waiting in the next room. Papyrus was standing next to a strange machine.

"AHEM. HUMAN!" He announced, pointing a finger in Frisk's direction. "YOU HAVE COMPLETED ALL MY PUZZLES THUS FAR... HOWEVER! I AM POSITIVELY CERTAIN YOU WILL FAIL AT THIS ONE!"

He gestured to the grey-tiled floor in front of them. "YOU SEE, THIS IS THE COLOURED TILE MAZE, CREATED BY THE BRILLIANT DR. ALPHYS!"

"But they aren't coloured," pointed out Frisk.

"THEY WILL BE SOON," Papyrus insisted. "NOW, I SHALL EXPLAIN THE PUZZLE."

_This better be good..._

"RED TILES ARE IMPASSABLE! YOU CANNOT WALK ON THEM! YELLOW TILES ARE ELECTRIC! THEY WILL ELECTROCUTE YOU! GREEN TILES ARE ALARM TILES! IF YOU STEP ON THEM... YOU WILL HAVE TO FIGHT A MONSTER! ORANGE-TILES ARE ORANGE-SCENTED. THEY WILL MAKE YOU SMELL DELICIOUS! BLUE TILES ARE WATER TILES. SWIM THROUGH THEM IF YOU LIKE, BUT... IF YOU SMELL LIKE ORANGES..." He said, weirdly going up at the end of his sentence. "THE PIRANHAS WILL BITE YOU!"

_It's a school zone, Papyrus. Slow down._

"ALSO, IF A BLUE TILE IS NEXT TO A YELLOW TILE, THE WATER WILL ALSO ZAP YOU! PURPLE TILES ARE SLIPPERY! YOU WILL SLIDE TO THE NEXT TILE! HOWEVER, THE SLIPPERY SOAP... SMELLS LIKE... 'LEMON MIXED WITH MILK'? WHICH PIRANHAS DO NOT LIKE! PURPLE AND BLUE ARE OKAY! FINALLY, PINK TILES... THEY DON'T DO ANYTHING. STEP ON THEM ALL YOU LIKE!"

He smiled brightly. "ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT. DID YOU UNDERSTAND IT?"

 _* Did you understand the puzzle?  
* Yes | _ **No**

"HUH? YOU DIDN'T...?" asked Papyrus, sounding genuinely surprised. "WELL, TOO BAD! YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN LISTENING THE FIRST TIME!"

Frisk groaned. "Maybe if you weren't shouting about piranhas and coloured tiles like a deranged lunatic, I'd have a chance of understanding."

Papyrus just looked at them, perplexed. Frisk just shook their head and turned around. "Well, I'll just find another way. I don't need this bullshit."

"H-HEY, HUMAN!" bellowed Papyrus. "THIS IS THE ONLY WAY THROUGH! YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE PUZZLE!"

They turned back exaggeratedly, groaning like a zombie. "Fine."

Papyrus turned to the machine. "WHEN I PULL THIS LEVER," He gestured towards the lever, as if he needed to emphasise his point, "THIS MACHINE WILL PRODUCE A PUZZLE THE LIKES OF WHICH THE WORLD HAS NEVER SEEN!

"ARE YOU READY? THREE... TWO... ONE..."

He pulled the lever. The tiles burst into a vibrant set of clashing colours, alternating at random intervals. They assumed the puzzle was going to be completely random. _Well, this certainly won't take ten years._

Luckily, the puzzle didn't turn out to be much of a puzzle at all. The sides were red and the middle was pink. Sans gave a small chuckle. Papyrus stared at the result the machine had produced, before spin-walking out of the room.

 _Why didn't I just walk across in the first place?_ thought Frisk, as they did exactly that. _The result would've been the same anyway..._

"'ey, hombre," said Sans. "mind if i talk to you for a—"

"NOPE!" they said, strolling right past him. They passed by a bunch of knocked-down trees and weird-ass dogs sculpted out of snow. They began becoming more aware of their weakening body. _Fuuuuck. I need to find a place to sleep for a night._

A SAVE point was glimmering just next to them. They SAVED, but they didn't feel rejuvenated. On the contrary, they felt as if their body would collapse at any moment. But, they had no choice other than to keep going.

A large sign up ahead proudly exclaimed that _BLOWDIN is ONLY FIVE MINUTES AWAY!_

_Well, at least I'm not far._

Very conveniently, a gust of wind blew a chunk of snow off it, revealing the obscured text: ( _BY CAR)_

_Heh. Where have I seen that before...?_

Another very convenient gust of wind blew the last chunk of snow away. The hidden text read: _just kidding._

They trudged past the sign, sighing heavily. _Fuck this place to hell._

* * *

"FUUUUUUUCK!" screamed Frisk, as they plummeted towards the snow below. Their clothes were completely covered in it at this point. They'd failed at least a dozen times at this puzzle. _At last,_ they thought. _A puzzle made by Papyrus that is actually hard._

They immediately shook their head, repulsed that they actually believed that. _No, I'm just not trying hard enough. That's all._

This time, they went through, attempting to see things logically. It didn't go so well the first time, but as they always say, second time lucky...

...not in Frisk's case. It took them six more tries to get it. By which point they were positively _boiling_ and sick to death of puzzles. _Seriously, why are there puzzles everywhere I turn anyway? Is that all the Underground has to offer? Drugs and puzzles?_

They reached another sentry station. It seemed that whoever it belonged to loved snowballs, because it was filled with them. Although, according to their narrator, it was actually called a 'snowpoff'. And there were quite a lot of them.

Luckily, the narrator was ready to give them all the facts about each one.

_* This is a snowpoff._

_* This is also a snowpoff._

_* This also happens to be a snowpoff._

_* Another snowpoff._

_* A wild Snowpoff appears!_

_* Snowpoff blocks the way!_

_* This, however, is a snowpoff._

_* Snowpoff._

_* Also a snowpoff._

_* The tenth snowpoff you've seen so far._

_* Such a beautiful snowpoff._

_* This snowpoff is nicer, because when you_ _frisked it_ _, you found 30G!_

_At least I was rewarded for wasting my time._

Frisk left the snowpoff field behind. Unfortunately, the snowpoffs were not done with them yet, because there was one _really_ blocking their way this time. They approached it, ready to punt it out of the way.

A dog's head emerged from it. It gave a cute yip.

"Aw, how cute," said Frisk, reaching their hand out to pet it.

The dog's full body emerged from the snow. It was clad in a heavy metal armour. The dog stared down at them, before initiating a battle.

_* It's the Greater Dog._

_* FIGHT |_ **ACT** _| ITEM | MERCY_

 _*_ **Check** _| Pet | Beckon | Play | Ignore_

_* GREATER DOG - 15 ATK 8 DEF  
* It's so excited that it thinks fighting is just play._

_Bullshit, arsehole. It's always play until someone gets disemboweled._

The dog swung its spear at them, the end turning blue. Luckily, they had plenty of experience with this 'blue attack' thing, and thus emerged unscathed.

_* Greater Dog is seeking affection._

_Alright, then he's not gonna get any._

The Greater Dog just stood there, waiting.

_Nope, ignored!_

_* Greater Dog just wants to play._

_Just gonna ignore it. Just ignore it. It'll run along. Surely._

_* Greater Dog wants to play with you._

"FUCK OFF!" they screamed, throwing their hands up. "Seriously, just beat it!"

The dog got to its feet, staring down at Frisk blankly. It shed a single, lonesome tear, then turned and left.

_Good riddance._

* * *

"IF THIS WON'T STOP YOU, NOTHING ELSE CAN!" said Papyrus loudly.

Frisk began to imagine tearing out his vocal cords, only stopping because they then wondered whether he even had vocal cords.

"...AND...READY...?... HEY!"

"Hmm?"

Papyrus looked incredibly pissed off. "YOU WEREN'T EVEN LISTENING TO MY EXPLANATION!" After a five-second pause, Frisk shrugged.

"So what," they mumbled.

"ANYWAY, AS I WAS SAYING," he continued, "THIS IS... THE GAUNTLET OF DEADLY TERROR!"

All in one moment, it seemed as though everything exploded: cannons appeared, flames burst into life, a dog hung perilously from a rope, a spiky ball was dangling just above their head and spears were taking aim at the human who was too tired to dodge, let alone care anymore.

"WHEN I SAY THE WORD... IT WILL ACTIVATE! CANNONS WILL FIRE, SPIKES WILL SWING! YOU WON'T HAVE A CHANCE TO ESCAPE! THE ADDED DANGER IS THAT YOU ARE ON A VERY OLD AND RICKETY BRIDGE! PRONE TO SWINGING VIOLENTLY FROM LEFT TO RIGHT AT RANDOM INTERVALS!"

"It doesn't... feel like a bridge."

"WELL, YES. TRUTHFULLY, IT'S JUST A ROCK FACE THAT I PAINTED. BUT STILL!"

"Mmhmm."

"ANYWAY, ARE YOU READY, HUMAN? BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO TAKE IT TO THE..." he took a huge breath, before screaming: "BOOOOOOONE ZOOOOOOONE!"

Frisk was met with a whole lot of nothing.

"uh, bro? what's the hold-up?" asked Sans. Papyrus was struggling to regain his composure.

"TH-THERE'S NO HOLD-UP WHATSOEVER," He blustered. "I-I-I'M A-ABOUT TO DO IT! I-IT'LL ACTIVATE _ANY_ SECOND!"

He was given at least ten of them. It still didn't activate.

"bro, that doesn't look very active to me," Sans jabbed. Papyrus was gnashing his teeth furiously.

"DAMN IT ALL!" he cursed. "WHAT A USELESS PIECE OF JUNK! AND NO CLASS, EITHER... MY TRAPS HAVE STYLE! GOOD RIDDANCE, WASTE OF TIME!" He waved his hand, and everything retreated. He turned away for a moment, then turned back as if he had heard Frisk saying something.

"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?" He practically screamed. "THIS WAS ANOTHER DECISIVE VICTORY FOR PAPYRUS! NYEH! HEH!" He looked downcast for a moment. "HEH?"

He quickly ran off.

Frisk crossed the 'bridge', and decided to stop and talk to Sans. "Hey." He turned to face them.

"This is gonna sound _super_ fuckin' dumb but... I need a place to sleep," said Frisk. "Do you think Papyrus would mind if I stayed the night with you guys?"

He shrugged. "prob'ly not. question is... if _i_ would mind."

"Do you?" they asked snarkily.

"well..." He seemed to want to say 'yes'. He sighed. "so long as ya clear out next day, nah."

"Fair enough."

"well, how 'bout i walk ya there? it's just on the outskirts of blowdin. there's a nifty lil' tunnel system that can get us there quicker if ya want."

"No, no. It's fine."

Sans nodded. "some say that the old royal scientist built it."

"Really?" they asked. "What was their name?"

He shrugged. "dunno. don't really remember names that well."

"That'd explain a lot."

He chuckled. "some say they also built the dimensional box."

They eyed him curiously. "What's that?"

"looks like a box, but it'll appear elsewhere when ya need it," he explained.

"Oh, those."

"well, let's get goin'. paps hates it when i get home too late."

The two set off. "mind if i talk to ya?"

"You'll do it anyway, so just get it over with."

"cool," he said, stuffing his hands into his pockets. He was quiet for a moment, before he started talking. "so, know how i'm a sentry in blowdin forest? well," he said, although Frisk had not answered, "i like a good joke every now and then. and, joy o' joys, there's a big door in the forest that lets me practice my knock-knock jokes."

_Is he talking about the Ruins door?_

"so, one day, i'm there, knockin' 'em out as usual. so, i says, 'knock knock'," he said as they passed a welcome sign, "and then, this voice from the other side answers," he screwed up his face and did a passable imitation of an old lady's voice, "'who is there'?

"and then i say, 'dishes'. then, she replies, 'dishes who?'. so then..." said Sans, winking, "i say 'dishes a very bad knock-knock joke'."

_Got that right._

"and she just starts howlin' with laughter, like it's the best joke she's heard in a million years," said Sans dreamily. "now, we tell each other knock-knock jokes through the door every day."

Frisk nodded. Now they were in the town centre. They couldn't help but notice that everyone seemed to be staring at them weirdly. _Is that because I'm human, or because I'm with Sans?_

"then, one day... she's not laughin' at any o' my jokes. then, she gets super serious for a moment, like she just hit the existentialism button on 'er keyboard or somethin'," said Sans. "she says to me that soon, a human might come out the door. 'watch over them and protect them, will you not?' she says to me."

_Yet another irresponsible and shitty decision she's made. Entrusting her 'child' to an equally irresponsible stoner._

"now, i REALLY hate makin' promises. but... for a fellow knock-knock joke-lover, it's kinda hard to refuse. so, yeah..." he stopped walking.

"Cool story, but one, nobody asked, and two, whatever promise you made, you suck at keeping it."

"i mean, ya done good, though!" he insisted. "ya made your way past all of the blowdin canine unit, ya survived all of paps's puzzles... now you just have to survive his cooking," he said, shivering a little. "trust me, if he asks you to try his spaghetti, just make up an excuse. it's still, uhh, in beta testing."

Sans came to a stop outside a large two-storey house. Weirdly, it was decorated with Christmas decorations despite it being at least four months away. An oil lamp was burning on the stoop.

"well, we're here. make yourself at home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was, unintentionally, one of the longest chapters I've ever written. But I'm glad I put that much effort into it.
> 
> Now, it's time for Chapter Trivia™!
> 
> 1\. The sign that tells Frisk that "Blowdin is only five minutes away... by car" is a reference to the SpongeBob Squarepants movie, where a sign proclaims that "SHELL CITY is only FIVE DAYS away!" and then some wind blows away the kelp obscuring the second half of the message: "By car."
> 
> 2\. Sans calling Frisk "Fresk" is an inside joke related to a joke Unitale fight my brother made.
> 
> 3\. Initially, the Tough Glove was replaced by a Boxing Glove, but in reference to Brewstew, I changed it to a Sock 'Em Bopper.
> 
> 4\. And yes, the dog treats are produced by the MTT Corporation with a nice little set of THC.
> 
> 5\. The chapter's name is a double-pun. It's an ice pun, but 'ice' is also slang for crystal meth.
> 
> See ya 'round like a Snowpoff,  
> \- offbrandbiscuit


	4. 04: Utterly Bamboozled, Papyrus

The moment the two walked through the door, a pleasant warmth swept over them. The house was a lot nicer than they had thought it would be. Pinstriped carpets alternating between the colours of their shirt and mauve walls.

"AH, SANS!" greeted Papyrus. "BACK ALREADY, I SEE? I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU THE MOST AMAZING THI—" His eyes fell on Frisk and he stopped. Then, he looked at Sans. Then Frisk. Then Sans again.

Then, he exploded.

" _SANS_!" He shouted. "WHY DID YOU BRING THE HUMAN HERE?"

"they were tired, bro. i said they could rest here until tomorrow," answered Sans.

"TIRED?" He blustered. " _TIRED_? WHO GETS _TIRED_? I— I _NEVER_ GET TIRED!"

Sans shrugged. "well, i guess humans do."

Papyrus looked like he wanted to retort, but didn't.

"I SUPPOSE YOU ARE RIGHT. AFTER ALL," he said, drawing himself up to his full height. "IT WOULD BE WRONG TO TRY TO CAPTURE THE HUMAN WHEN THEY ARE TIRED AND WEAK!"

He turned on Frisk.

"HUMAN, REMEMBER WHEN I SAID THAT I WOULD MAKE YOU ALL THE SPAGHETTI YOU COULD EVER WANT?" He asked. Without waiting for a response, he continued. "WELL... I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, AM MAKING _A LOT_ OF SPAGHETTI!"

Sans _had_ told Frisk not to eat Papyrus's spaghetti, but he was doing a pretty good job of making them want to. Just the aroma of the bolognese sauce was enough to make their mouth water.

"well, hombre, make yourself at home," said Sans, clapping them on the shoulder. "i'm goin' upstairs."

He did just that, leaving Frisk and Papyrus alone together.

"DO YOU... WANT TO HELP COOK?"

"Sure. I doubt there's anything good on TV anyway."

Papyrus shook his head. "OH, BUT THAT'S WHERE YOU'LL FIND YOU'RE WRONG! METTATON'S SHOWS ARE THE MOST ENTERTAINING SINCE... EVER!"

Frisk narrowed an eye. "Mettaton?"

Papyrus nodded. "HE'S AN ENTERTAINMENT ROBOT. HE'S GOT REAL CHARACTER!" he said, leading them into the kitchen. It was just your standard run-of-the-mill kitchen, asides from the fact that Papyrus's sink was raised to a completely ludicrous height.

"IMPRESSED?" asked Papyrus. "I INCREASED THE HEIGHT OF MY SINK SO I CAN FIT MORE BONES UNDER IT. WANT TO TAKE A LOOK?"

The correct answer was no, but Frisk was genuinely curious. "Sure."

Papyrus opened the sink cabinet. A small white dog had taken refuge amongst the bones, and was currently gnawing away at one.

"CURSES!" shouted Papyrus, as the dog jumped out and started running towards the front door. "CATCH THAT MEDDLING CANINE!" Unfortunately, it was futile. The dog had a large head-start and was out the door not a second later.

The silence that followed was quickly punctuated by Sans opening his bedroom door and playing a generic 'failure' melody on his trombone.

"SANS!" shouted Papyrus, stomping his foot once more. "STOP PLAGUING MY LIFE WITH INCIDENTAL MUSIC!"

 _Okay, he's getting way off track._ "So, what can I help with?"

"WELL..." he said, as if reading off a list. "I SUPPOSE YOU COULD STIR THE PASTA! AFTER ALL, I'M ALREADY DEALING WITH THE MEAT AND SAUCE."

Frisk thought that sounded extremely boring. But, they weren't complaining. They began to swirl the slotted spoon around in the pot, allowing their arm to fall into a steady rhythm.

"So, Papyrus," said Frisk, "what's your brother like?"

The skeleton gave one backwards glance at them, before turning back to the pan. "WELL... HE CAN BE VERY LAZY," he conceded. "AND HE ALWAYS TELLS THOSE AWFUL JOKES! BUT... I _DO_ CARE ABOUT HIM. I JUST HOPE HE RETURNS THE FAVOUR."

 _If I'm honest, I don't think he will,_ thought Frisk.

"Yeah, but what's he like to live with?"

Papyrus chuckled. "VERY FRUSTRATING! ONCE, WE HAD AN ENTIRE CONVERSATION— ON A SOCK! I WOULD STICK NOTES ONTO IT, ASKING HIM TO TAKE IT TO HIS ROOM. HE KEPT MESSING WITH ME FOR A WHOLE WEEK, UNTIL I GAVE UP. YES," said Papyrus, nodding sagely. "EVEN THE GREAT PAPYRUS HAS TO GIVE UP SOMETIMES."

 _Could've just burnt the sock instead,_ they thought. "Sounds like a real pain in the arse."

Papyrus shrugged. "HE ISN'T A BAD PERSON. HE'S JUST... TOO LAZY TO CARE ABOUT THINGS? HE EVEN TAKES HALF OF MY PAYCHECK AND WASTES IT ON WEED! IT'S INFURIATING!"

Frisk narrowed an eye. "Why would you let him do that?"

Papyrus hesitated. "WELL... TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, I DON'T KNOW," he admitted. "SANS SELLS PEOPLE THE WEED HE BUYS AT A MUCH HIGHER PRICE, AND HE'S MAKING A DECENT LIVING OFF OF IT. I JUST WISH..." he trailed off, shaking his head.

"That he'd burn?"

He sighed, rubbing his temples. "NO, NOTHING LIKE THAT. HE'S MY BROTHER, AFTER ALL. I JUST WISH HE'D FIND A PLACE OF HIS OWN."

"Have you talked to him about this?" asked Frisk.

Papyrus shook his head. "NO. I JUST THINK IF HE HAD HIS OWN HOUSE, HE COULD BE AS MESSY AS HE WANTS," he explained. "I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANY CLEANING. IT'S JUST THE LITTLE THINGS THAT ANNOY ME."

"Yeah, I get that."

Papyrus's eyes brightened. "REALLY?"

Frisk nodded. "Oh yeah, totally." _Not really, but, if it makes ya happy..._

"WOWIE! WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON!" he gushed. "IT'S SUCH A SHAME THAT I'LL HAVE TO CAPTURE YOU."

Frisk shuddered. "Dude, please. Not a good time."

He nodded. "MY APOLOGIES. NOW, IS THE PASTA READY YET?"

Frisk scooped up the spaghetti, then slid it back into the pot. "Yes."

He grinned. "GOOD! NOW, ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS DRAIN THE WATER!"

"Uh... how?"

He blinked, confused. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'HOW'?"

"Your sink is too high for me to reach," Frisk pointed out.

Papyrus slapped his forehead comically. "OH YES, I FORGOT ABOUT THAT. LET ME SHOW YOU A TRICK!" He took the saucepan outside and transferred the contents to a colander, then back again.

He was grinning as he returned. "PRETTY GREAT TRICK, YES?"

"I guess," they replied.

It looked like their bored response was the right response, because he practically burst with pride. "IT WAS, WASN'T IT?" he asked rhetorically, as he heaped pasta onto a plate. Frisk noticed that he was only preparing spaghetti for one. Papyrus noticed that they were staring at it weirdly, explaining, "I WANTED YOU TO TRY MY SPAGHETTI, SINCE SANS WON'T. HE CLAIMS IT'S 'NOT EVEN EDIBLE'!" He scoffed.

"I love drugged spaghetti from my enemies," said Frisk, eyeing the plate cautiously.

Papyrus looked a little confused. "'DRUGGED'? I WOULD NEVER!" he gasped. "IT WOULD _RUIN_ THE TASTE!"

Frisk watched closely as he sprinkled parsley flakes onto the meat, but didn't answer. Then, they sat down to dinner.

Sans emerged from his room, swaggering downstairs.

"'ey, hombre," he drawled. "i'm goin' to grillby's. you wanna come or somethin'?"

"No, I'm good, thanks."

Papyrus beamed. "SEE, SANS? EVEN THE HUMAN HAS STANDARDS!"

Sans didn't answer, but winked at them as he swung the door shut. Frisk picked up their fork. The spaghetti seemed fine at first glance. No questionable substances appeared to have been added.

 _Though he's hardly going to say, "OH, AND I'VE POISONED IT",_ they reasoned. And honestly, they didn't think he would. They twirled their fork, entwining as much spaghetti as possible in between the tines. They raised it to their mouth, sniffing it as they did so. _Nothing seems off._

They put it in their mouth. Papyrus was watching with an enraptured expression as they chewed. It was... disappointing, to say the least. But not nearly as bad as Sans had said it would be.

"WELL?" asked Papyrus impatiently. "WHAT DO YOU THINK?"

"About a three and a half out of five," said Frisk. Actually, it was only worth a 2.5, but they needed a place to sleep.

Papyrus looked slightly disappointed that it hadn't been a five out of five, but nodded. "I KNOW, THERE'S STILL A LOT TO IMPROVE UPON. BUT, WOULD YOU EAT IT AGAIN?"

_If I wanted a stomach-ache, yeah._

"Yeah, I guess."

"WOWIE... I'M SO GLAD YOU LIKE IT!"

Done kissing ass, they went through the plate of spaghetti, then offered to help wash up. They needed to win brownie points somehow...

"YOU'RE LIKE THE SIBLING I WISH I HAD!" said Papyrus. "BUT YOU SHOULD REST. YOU'VE BEEN ON YOUR FEET ALL DAY."

Frisk wasn't complaining. They sat down on the lounge, glancing at the TV. A boxy robot was dancing next to the words _TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES_.

 _Well, guess there really_ is _nothing worth watching._

They looked over at Papyrus. "Got any books?"

He practically jumped. "AH, YES! I HAVE BOOKS ON PUZZLE CONSTRUCTION, AND A COUPLE OF STORY BOOKS AS WELL. WOULD YOU LIKE A STORY?"

Frisk shook their head. "God, no."

"OH WELL. I SUPPOSE YOU _COULD_ READ ONE OF SANS'S BOOKS, BUT THEY'RE VERY BORING! NONE OF THE WORDS IN IT MAKE ANY SENSE!"

 _Couldn't get any more boring than this,_ thought Frisk, reaching for the pile of books on the coffee table.

 _Advanced Puzzle Construction for Intellectual Minds, Peek-a-boo with Fluffy Bunny,_ and _Advanced Quantum Physics_ were just a few of the titles. Frisk was most confused by the children's book.

"What do you even _do_ with the children's book?" asked Frisk.

"SANS READS IT TO ME EVERY NIGHT," explained Papyrus. "THAT'S THE ONLY THING THAT'LL DRAG HIM FROM WHEREVER HE'S SLACKING OFF."

 _Okay, that's_ super _creepy._

"And... Quantum physics? What's _that_ about?"

"THAT'S ONE OF SANS'S. LIKE I SAID, IT'S INCREDIBLY BORING!"

_Okay, so... books from the Death Row Collection, nothing on TV..._

They sighed. _Well, time to head out._

"I'm heading out," they said. "It's been good, Papyrus."

He looked concerned. "YOU'RE... YOU'RE NOT LEAVING, ARE YOU?"

They shook their head. "Nah. Just heading out for a bit."

"WELL... ALRIGHT! HAVE FUN!" he said. "JUST DON'T GO TO GRILLBY'S! IT'S _MUCH_ TOO GREASY THERE! ALSO," he added, "YOU SHOULD PROBABLY WEAR A COAT OR SOMETHING." He grabbed one at random off the coat hanger and handed it to Frisk.

"Do you ever get cold?"

Papyrus shook his head. "I DON'T HAVE SKIN, SO NO."

"But you hate grease?"

He waved it away. "I MAY NOT HAVE SKIN, BUT I HAVE STANDARDS!"

"Right."

The coat was black with a fluffy yellow collar. They slipped it on and left, thanking Papyrus on the way out.

It wasn't as cold as they'd expected it to be, but still cold enough to have left them shivering. They headed back the way they came, deciding to go to the first place they saw. This happened to the be the Blowdin... Librarby?

 _Okay,_ this _I have to see._

They went through the door. It got warmer all of a sudden. They went over to the receptionist, and were about to speak when she started talking.

"Hello. Welcome to the Blowdin Library. Yes, I know. The sign is misspelled," she said, dry sarcasm in her voice.

Frisk scowled. _Some nerve you've got..._

Two monsters were sitting together, talking in hushed voices. Frisk approached them. "Hey, if you don't mind me asking, what's the best thing to do around here?"

They looked up. "Well..." said one, exchanging glances with their friend. "You look like the kind of person who enjoys crosswords."

"Whoever told you that is wrong," answered Frisk.

The monster shrugged. "Oh well."

_Guess the only place worth going is Grillby's._

They left the library and headed towards the bar. On the way, they noticed a Christmas tree that was decorated with ornaments. _Is it like Christmas every day here or something?_ thought Frisk. It _was_ surrounded with presents, after all.

"Yo!"

Frisk looked over at the tree again. A short, armless monster was running up to them. "You're a kid, right?" he asked.

Frisk narrowed their eyes. "I'll have you know I'm nearly legal."

The monster nervously chuckled. "H-heh, sorry. Just, uh... y'know... you're wearing a striped shirt and all, so..." He trailed off.

Frisk left him behind, still muttering apologies to them. Grillby's was just up ahead. A comforting orange glow seemed to be radiating from every window.

Inside was not so comforting. It was far too hot, and, like Papyrus had said, too greasy. Half the patrons appeared to be dogs, the others being either incredibly overweight or equally as greasy as the food. And in the middle of it all was the bartender, who appeared to be a sharply-dressed flame that wore glasses. He was in the middle of an argument with someone.

"nah, c'mon grillbz. i promised i'd pay the tab next week."

"You said today, Sans. It is time to pay up." The bartender's voice was ironically chilling, like the flat monotone a murderer would use when delivering a pre-death speech to his victim.

"griiiiillbz," he whined, "i'm _tryin'_ to make a livin', i'm tryin'. i promise ya, i'll get ya some of it tomorrow."

This prompted a sigh from the bartender.

"...Fine. I am warning you, Sans. Should you fail to pay off any of your tab by tomorrow—"

"i know, i know! i'll 'never see you comin''. ooh, i'm _scared_ ," he snarled. Sliding off his bar stool, he stuck out his arm, knocking a bottle of ketchup onto the floor. He pulled his hood up and walked past the other monsters, who had all been watching his tantrum.

He passed Frisk, practically sweeping them out of the bar. He made an effort to slam the door especially hard on the way out.

He walked with them in silence for a few minutes. Then, he said: "that coat looks good on ya."

Frisk gave him an incredulous look. "Dude. Are you _trying_ to get your arse beat? That guy sounded like he meant business."

Sans waved it away. "grillbz? meh. he doesn't have the guts. he ain't got nothin' on mr. one-hp." He chuckled.

"'One-HP'?" asked Frisk.

"i got the bad genes," Sans replied.

"Right."

"so, what brought'cha out? tryin' to escape or somethin'?"

"I was bored," said Frisk, ignoring his accusation. "Nothing on TV, nothing worth reading."

"yeah, i gotta get some more from the librarby. oh wait, they have it in for me too."

"What, you a book-burner or something?" snickered Frisk.

"nah, i just don't bring 'em back," he scoffed. "i'll keep 'em for as long as i like."

Frisk didn't answer this one.

"anyway, hombre... i have a feelin' you're gonna fight paps soon."

Frisk raised an eyebrow. "What of it?"

"just wanted to give ya some friendly advice... _don't_. capiche?"

"Oh, believe me," said Frisk, "I wouldn't if I had the choice."

"don't worry 'bout it, hombre," said Sans. "i'll keep an eye—"

"—socket out for you," interrupted Frisk. "Yeah." They stopped outside the house. "Well, we're back."

They headed back inside. Papyrus was tapping his heel against the linoleum floor of the kitchen nervously.

"SANS, YOU'RE BACK! AND IN ONE PIECE! I THOUGHT GRILLBY WOULD'VE DONE AWAY WITH YOU!" He said, relieved.

Sans didn't even acknowledge him. "i'm goin' up to bed. night, paps."

"GOOD NIGHT, SANS. NOW..." he rounded on Frisk, who was hanging up their coat on the hangar. "I SUPPOSE YOU WANT TO GET TO BED, YES?" Without waiting for a response, he went on. "I'LL BE WORKING UPSTAIRS IN MY ROOM, SO I WON'T DISRUPT YOUR SLEEP."

"Okay," they said, yawning. God, they were tired. Tireder than they had been a minute ago, that's for sure.

"BY THE WAY, IF YOU HAPPEN TO GET HUNGRY DURING THE NIGHT, THERE IS LEFTOVER SPAGHETTI IN THE FRIDGE." _Seems like the only thing you ever eat._ "OH, AND IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE—"

Frisk threw their hands up. "I don't need a babysitter, get your arse outta here!"

Papyrus's shoulders sank a little. "ALRIGHT..."

Frisk pulled off their boots and set them near the door. Then, they lay down on the lounge, draping a blanket over themselves. "Well? What are you waiting for? Christmas?" they asked.

"'GYFTMAS'," he corrected.

"Whatever," they said, flicking their wrist carelessly.

He walked over to the front door and flipped off the lights. Frisk heard him going up the stairs, and then shutting his door. They shut their eyes, sighing. Now that the skeleton brothers were up in their rooms and the lights were off, they could finally get some rest. This was a little difficult, given their current sleeping arrangements.

Eventually, after a lot of tossing and turning, they drifted off, still dreading tomorrow.

* * *

"MORE SPAGHETTI, HUMAN?"

Frisk nodded, bored expression on their face. _My last meal, in a way,_ they thought, as Papyrus heaped spaghetti onto their plate. They swallowed it, now used to its dull taste. Sans passed them, giving them a somewhat smug look.

Frisk just rolled their eyes. _Hope you regret it when I'm rotting in the dungeon. Wherever that is, anyway._

"IS SOMETHING TROUBLING YOU, HUMAN?"

"Oh, I can think of a few things," said Frisk. "Shouldn't you be getting ready or something?"

"OH YES," he said absentmindedly. "WHEN YOU'RE READY, I'LL BE AT THE BORDER."

 _They actually have a border?_ thought Frisk. They enquired as to what kind of border it was.

"IT SEPARATES BLOWDIN FROM WATERFALL. SO, IF YOU WANT TO CROSS THE BORDER, YOU NEED PERMISSION FROM AN OFFICIAL. THAT'S ME, SANS, OR UNDYNE!" He said proudly.

"Who's that?"

"SHE'S THE CAPTAIN OF THE ROYAL GUARD! SHE'S ALSO THE ONE WHO'S BEEN TRAINING ME!"

Frisk swallowed. _Great. He's been trained by the captain. And what do I have?_ Frisk thought for a moment as to what exactly they had, before coming up with nothing.

"Right... well, guess I'll be seeing you." _In the dungeon._

"YOU WILL, INDEED!" He said, bustling out of the house. Sans watched him go, a slice of toast still in his mouth. The moment the front door was shut, he dropped it back on his plate, and turned to the human, who was now watching Mettaton's news show. The boxy robot was interviewing someone about a 'completely nondescript' glass of water they had found outside their house.

"'ey, hombre. i got somethin' to show ya," said Sans.

Frisk got up and crossed the room to where Sans was sitting. "This better be good."

He nodded. "it _is_ , hombre. i dug up some cool lil' thingy i made a while back." He withdrew what looked like a walkie-talkie, holding it out for Frisk to see.

"this right here is a little creation o' mine. basically scrambles magic and miscellaneous shit," he explained.

"So, why do I need it?"

"well," he said, "paps has a special ability. it means he can turn your soul blue. this makes gravity's effects intensify. so, with this little gadget, you can break the rules a little bit."

"And you're _sure_ it'll work?"

"absolutely positive. only tested it once. you should probably only use it when absolutely necessary."

Frisk raised an eyebrow at him. "Why?"

He shrugged. "no reason. just use it sparingly, that's all." He smiled broadly at Frisk as he handed them the machine. "good luck, hombre. oh, and..." He winked. "keep the coat, eh? never looked good on me anyway."

"There's an ulterior reason why you're pawning this off on me," said Frisk.

Sans just winked. "see ya when i see ya."

* * *

"HUMAN."

Frisk stopped in the middle of the path. A gentle snowfall had begun. Snowflakes were dancing around their head. Papyrus stood between them and the border.

_* Watch yourself._

"ALLOW ME TO TELL YOU ABOUT SOME COMPLEX FEELINGS. LIKE... THE JOY OF FINDING ANOTHER PASTA LOVER. THE ADMIRATION FOR ANOTHER'S PUZZLE-SOLVING SKILLS."

_Can we just skip to the fight already?_

"THE DESIRE TO HAVE A COOL, SMART PERSON THINK YOU ARE COOL."

 _Like he_ actually _believes that._

"THESE FEELINGS... ARE WHAT YOU MUST BE FEELING RIGHT NOW!"

Frisk sighed. _I knew there'd be a twist._

"I CAN HARDLY IMAGINE WHAT IT MUST BE LIKE TO FEEL THAT WAY."

"Shocker of the fuckin' year," they remarked.

"AFTER ALL, I _AM_ VERY GREAT. I DON'T EVER WONDER WHAT HAVING LOTS OF FRIENDS IS LIKE." He turned around. "I PITY YOU. LONELY HUMAN..." He looked up, grinning widely. "WORRY NOT! YOU SHALL BE LONELY NO LONGER! I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, WILL BE YOUR..." His smile died. He looked confused for a second, before shaking his head like a dog after a bath.

"NO! NO, THIS IS ALL WRONG! I CAN'T BE YOUR FRIEND!"

"Okay, well, can't say that disappoints me," they answer casually.

"YOU ARE A HUMAN! I MUST CAPTURE YOU! THEN, I CAN FULFIL MY LIFELONG DREAM!" He crossed his arms, a pretentious expression on his face.

"POWERFUL! POPULAR! PRESTIGIOUS!" He took a step forward for every word. "THAT'S PAPYRUS!"

His arms dropped to his sides. He stared at Frisk, his eyes trained on the place where their SOUL would be.

"THE NEWEST MEMBER..." He struck a ridiculous pose. "OF THE ROYAL GUARD!"

Frisk's SOUL glowed brighter in their chest. The fight had begun.

_* Papyrus blocks the way!_

_* FIGHT | **ACT** | ITEM | MERCY_

_* **Check** | Insult | Flirt_

_* PAPYRUS - 20 ATK 20 DEF  
* Master chef, puzzle constructor, sentry and future Royal Guardsman, what is there that he hasn't done?  
* Also likes to say big words._

_Wow, what a surprise,_ thought Frisk, as a few slow-moving bones closed in. They merely had to step aside to avoid them.

_Okay, well, I think I know what to do now._

_* Check | Insult | **Flirt**_

They summoned their smoothest voice and, trying not to vomit, asked, "I see right through you, Papyrus. You're _head over heels_ for me."

He looked shocked. "WH-WHAT? FLIRTING?"

"I dunno either," admitted Frisk.

"SO YOU FINALLY REVEAL YOUR ULTIMATE FEELINGS..." He straightened up, looking indignant. "W-WELL, I'M A SKELETON WITH VERY HIGH STANDARDS!"

 _* What will you say?  
_ _* I can make spaghetti | **I have zero redeeming qualities**_

"Shame," said Frisk. "I have zero redeeming qualities."

Papyrus wasn't expecting that one. "YOUR HONESTY... IT SHOWS HOW MUCH YOU CARE! YOU'RE MEETING _ALL_ MY STANDARDS!"

 _Score one for me,_ thought Frisk, smirking.

"I GUESS THIS MEANS I HAVE TO GO ON A DATE WITH YOU?"

Now it was Frisk's turn to be surprised. They had _not_ been expecting that one. Their face burned bright red.

_I want to die. He's like, what, twelve years older than me? Surely they have laws regarding this kind of thing..._

"L-LET'S DATE LATER! A-AFTER I CAPTURE YOU!"

_Okay, that makes it weirder._

_* FIGHT | ACT | ITEM | **MERCY**_

_* **Spare** | Flee_

"NOT FIGHTING BACK, EH?" he asked rhetorically. "WELL, LET'S SEE HOW YOU HANDLE MY FABLED BLUE ATTACK!"

An unavoidable wave of blue bones were sent towards them. They didn't budge an inch, allowing the bones to pass harmlessly through them. _So much for the 'fabled' part,_ they were thinking, before they realised why he made such a big deal of it.

It felt like an anchor had been attached to their SOUL. It came so suddenly and savagely that they were forced to their knees. They could still feel its weight on their shoulders as they got to their feet. Not intolerable, but enough to render them much slower than before.

Papyrus smirked. "YOU'RE BLUE NOW."

And so they were. Their SOUL glow had gone a deep blue. _Okay, this doesn't feel great._

"THAT'S MY ATTACK! NYEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!" he laughed boisterously.

Frisk snarled. _Bastard. Won't be laughing soon._

_* You're blue now._

_* FIGHT | ACT | ITEM | **MERCY**_

_* **Spare** | Flee_

"HMMM... I WONDER WHAT I SHOULD WEAR..." He pondered to himself. Frisk once again had to ask, were there laws regarding adult-child relationships? Or was this race really a bunch of savages that hadn't yet been introduced to the legal age of consent?

Some bones came flying out of nowhere. Frisk was too slow to react, although they blamed this on their SOUL being blue. They stepped out of the way, but were not ready for the bone that hit them in the chest, knocking the wind out of them.

They landed on their back, the snow cushioning their fall somewhat. They felt alright, but definitely not happy.

**HP: 17/20**

"WH-WHAT? I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT DATE THING!" He shouted, misinterpreting Frisk's look of hatred as one of confusion.

Frisk dragged themselves to their feet. Despite the invisible anchor that was slowing them down, they moved forward and hit Papyrus in the shoulder. He stumbled, but was able to regain his balance quickly. He looked surprised.

Frisk was sure this would anger him, but all he did was smile and say, "OOF! GOOD ONE! UNDYNE WOULD'VE LIKED THAT!"

"I don't give a damn what your boss would've thought," said Frisk, in between breaths of air.

Papyrus raised his gloved hands in a gesture of surrender. "FAIR ENOUGH. AFTER ALL, THIS IS ABOUT US!"

 _You're damned right it is!_ thought Frisk. They noted that in the confusion, Papyrus had forgotten to take his turn. They chose SPARE again.

"Would you just quit it already?" they asked, frustrated.

He pretended he didn't hear them. "YEAH! DON'T MAKE ME USE MY SPECIAL ATTACK!"

Revolving bones came towards them. Frisk ran towards them, leaping over each of them in quick succession. A cluster of bones flew at them, scattering haphazardly.

_* Papyrus dabs MTT-brand Attraction Slime behind his ears._

_* **Spare** | Flee_

"I CAN ALMOST TASTE MY FUTURE POPULARITY NOW!" He said dramatically, closing his eyes. Within a few seconds, his dreamy expression turned to scandalised. "EUGH! IT TASTES AWFUL!"

_Yeah, that's what you ge—_

A bone smacked Frisk upside the head. They spun on the spot, trying to regain their balance, all the while swearing loudly at Papyrus, who took no notice.

**HP: 14/20**

_* Papyrus dabs marinara sauce behind his ears._

_* **Spare** | Flee_

"PAPYRUS: HEAD OF THE ROYAL GUARD!"

A wall of bones came at them. There was a gap in the bottom. They rushed towards it, dropping at the last moment, sliding underneath it. They felt a vibration from underneath them and rolled over, just before a bone stabbed upwards. They felt a slight pang of fear at this. That probably would've killed them had they not avoided it.

"PAPYRUS: UNPARALLELED SPAGHETTORE!"

 _What the fuck does that mean?_ wondered Frisk, as a bone spiralled erratically towards them. Blue bones were also filling their peripheral vision, forcing them to stay still for short periods of time, as the main attack got ever closer.

It was strange. They had been dreading this fight. Yet standing here, as the falling snow turned to light snowstorm, they were enjoying themselves. Their SOUL moved in sync with their body, learning with each step. It felt natural to dodge the attacks as if their life depended on it. The sheer adrenaline rush took them closer to heaven than they'd ever been before.

"UNDYNE WILL BE REALLY PROUD OF ME!"

Bones stabbed upwards. Frisk backed away from them until they were out of room. Then, they leapt onto the bone in front of them, using it to jump to safety. A wall of blue bones raced towards them, trying to catch them off-guard, but it was useless. Frisk was in their element, and their concentration was unbreakable.

"THE KING WILL TRIM A HEDGE IN THE SHAPE OF MY SMILE!"

Bones encircled them. They let the bones close in, their heartbeat echoing in their ears. Then, they dived through it, rolling to keep their speed up, as bones shot towards them.

_* Papyrus realises he doesn't have ears._

_* **Spare** | Flee_

"MY BROTHER WILL..." He looked hopeful for a moment, before sighing. "WELL, HE WON'T CHANGE VERY MUCH."

More bones flew towards them. Each one was dodged skilfully.

"OF COURSE, I'LL HAVE LOTS OF ADMIRERS. BUT... WILL ANY OF THEM LIKE ME AS SINCERELY AS YOU DO?" he wondered.

_No. But, for crying out loud, whatever makes you happy._

"SOMEONE LIKE YOU IS REALLY RARE..." said Papyrus.

_What, because you think I'm infatuated with you or something?_

"AND DATING MIGHT BE KIND OF HARD..."

Frisk felt a surge of hope. _Is he going to call it off?_

"AFTER YOU'RE CAPTURED AND SENT AWAY..."

Their shoulders sagged. _Right. Not because I'm fifteen and you're twenty-something. That makes perfect sense._

"URGH! WHO CARES? GIVE UP ALREADY!"

Frisk made sure the skeleton got an eyeful of their condescending smile. _Not going to happen._

He sent a flurry of bones towards them, his frustration fuelling his attacks. Frisk was a little surprised by his ferocity. He had seemed fairly harmless. Ambitious but rubbish. A bucketful of motivation but only a pint of IQ. Obviously, this is how he reacted when he did not get what he wanted. He threw a childish tantrum... just like Sans.

 _Must run in the family,_ they thought absentmindedly, sidestepping another stream of bones.

"GIVE UP OR FACE MY... SPECIAL ATTACK!" he shouted.

Frisk dearly wanted to tell him that he was full of shit, but they were busy dodging the attacks, and they couldn't afford to waste their breath.

_* Papyrus's attacks are escalating._

_* **Spare** | Flee_

Papyrus sent more bones at them, shouting, "YEAH! VERY SOON I WILL USE THAT SPECIAL ATTACK!"

_Why not just use it now and save time?_

Another bone attack. "NOT TOO LONG AND I WILL USE THAT SPECIAL ATTACK!"

More bones.

"THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE... BEFORE MY SPECIAL ATTACK!"

Frisk pretended to think, their hand hovering over the MERCY button. Papyrus was acting as though he had grabbed a high-voltage cable. He was practically squirming, barely restraining himself from shouting himself hoarse at the human.

_* **Spare** | Flee_

"THEN SO BE IT!" he said arrogantly. He threw out his arms. "BEHOLD! MY SPECIAL ATTACK!"

A small white dog wandered onto the battlefield, chewing on a large bone. Papyrus noticed it out of the corner of his eye. He immediately identified the bone as one of his.

"WHAT THE HELL? THAT'S MY SPECIAL ATTACK! HEY! YOU THERE! DOG! GIVE ME THAT!"

The dog stared at him for a moment, before slowly shuffling away with the demeanour of a... well, scolded dog.

"HEY! COME BACK WITH MY SPECIAL ATTACK!"

It did not.

"WELL... I'LL JUST USE A REALLY COOL REGULAR ATTACK!" He sounded happy, but his expression said otherwise.

_* **Spare** | Flee_

Papyrus sighed. "HERE'S AN ABSOLUTELY NORMAL ATTACK."

Some revolving bones came their way. They dodged these swiftly, then jumped back as more came at them, moving up and down in a stair-pattern. A few stray bones were sent their way, but these were avoided just as easily.

Frisk had a bad feeling about the next part of the attack. Papyrus was beginning to look cockier than ever, and they could see a lot of bones coming from behind him.

It was not as difficult to avoid as they had expected. They looked down at the words that the bones had formed. _Cool. Dude. Skateboarding bone with sunglasses. Sea of bones— OH SHIT!_

There was no way they would make it out of this unscathed. Especially considering the winner of the World's Biggest Bone contest that was trailing in its wake.

 _Guess it's time to use a special attack of my own,_ thought Frisk, pulling Sans's gadget out of their coat pocket. They took a deep breath, then started running towards the bones. They used a stray bone sticking out of the ground to leap even higher, buying them some time in case Sans's invention failed (which they were sure it would).

Feeling gravity start to pull them down, they slammed their fist into the big red button, just hoping it was the right one. It was.

The effect was tremendous. The shackles of gravity all but disappeared, and they felt as if they were floating. Which they were.

Papyrus watched on in complete shock as their boots _just_ skimmed the top of the bone, before they floated back down to the ground. In desperation, he sent one last tiny, slow-moving bone towards them. Unlike Toriel's attack that had claimed their life, they jumped out of the way long before the bone got close enough to hurt them.

Papyrus fell to one knee, panting.

"WELL... IT'S... SETTLED..." said Papyrus, in between huffs and puffs. "Y-YOU CAN'T BEAT ME! Y-YEAH, I CAN SEE YOU SHAKING IN YOUR BOOTS!" he added, as if to answer Frisk's bemused expression.

"TH-THEREFORE, I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS... ELECT TO GRANT YOU PITY! I WILL SPARE YOU, HUMAN!"

 _Finally,_ thought Frisk.

"NOW'S YOUR CHANCE TO ACCEPT MY MERCY!"

Frisk scowled. "Yeah, my mercy's not good enough for your high standards," they replied.

All the same, they chose to spare him, ending the fight for good. Immediately after doing so, they fell to their knees, gasping for air. The adrenaline had worn off, and all their bruises were now aching painfully.

Papyrus got to his feet, his shoulders slumping as he turned away from them. "NYOO HOO HOO," he said, rather pitifully. "I CAN'T EVEN BEAT SOMEONE AS WEAK AS YOU..."

Frisk was not a sensitive person by nature, but they swore that when they got their breath back, they were going to fucking punch him.

"UNDYNE'S GOING TO BE REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN ME..."

_'Disappointed' seems like an understatement. Most likely, she'll turn you into a training dummy._

"I'LL NEVER JOIN THE ROYAL GUARD, AND..." he paused. "MY FRIEND QUANTITY WILL REMAIN STAGNANT!"

"Sheesh, what a loser," they muttered, loud enough for him to hear.

"H-HUH...? WHY WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO... BERATE YOURSELF SO LOUDLY? IS IT POSSIBLE THAT... YOU FEEL UNWORTHY OF BEING MY FRIEND?"

Frisk covered their face with their hand. _I'm done._

"N-NO! YOU'RE GREAT! I'LL BE YOUR FRIEND!"

 _Fine, so long as you don't try to capture me,_ thought Frisk, getting to their feet. Papyrus was pacing back and forth.

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN HAD OUR FIRST DATE... AND I'VE ALREADY MANAGED TO HIT THE FRIEND ZONE!" he was saying to himself.

_Oh my God, this guy is like irony incarnate._

"WHO KNEW THAT ALL I NEEDED TO MAKE PALS... WAS TO GIVE PEOPLE AWFUL PUZZLES AND THEN FIGHT THEM?" he marvelled. "YOU TAUGHT ME A LOT, HUMAN."

"Please don't look at me," they groaned, disgusted, as Papyrus did exactly the opposite, eyes glowing with happiness. "I HEREBY GRANT YOU PERMISSION TO CROSS THE BORDER! I'LL ALSO GIVE YOU DIRECTIONS TO THE SURFACE!"

 _Now_ Frisk was listening. Anything that could get them out of this dump as quickly as possible would be great.

"CONTINUE FORWARD UNTIL YOU REACH THE END OF THE CAVERN!" he said, pointing to the mouth of a cave off in the distance. "THEN, WHEN YOU REACH THE CAPITAL, CROSS THE BARRIER!"

"Isn't that the thing that keeps everyone trapped here?" asked Frisk.

"CORRECT!" he affirmed. "ONLY A POWERFUL SOUL CAN PASS THROUGH IT!"

 _So, a combined human and monster SOUL?_ wondered Frisk.

"THAT'S WHY THE KING WANTS TO ACQUIRE A HUMAN! HE WANTS TO OPEN THE BARRIER WITH SOUL POWER. THEN, US MONSTERS CAN RETURN TO THE SURFACE. OH, AND I ALMOST FORGOT TO TELL YOU," he added, "THAT TO REACH THE EXIT... YOU'LL HAVE TO PASS THROUGH THE KING'S CASTLE. THE KING OF ALL MONSTERS."

Frisk swallowed.

"HE IS... WELL..." His frown turned to a smile in an instant. "HE'S A BIG FUZZY PUSHOVER! EVERYBODY LOVES THAT GUY! I AM CERTAIN THAT IF YOU JUST SAY—" he adopted a silly voice. "'EXCUSE ME, MR. DREEMURR... CAN I PLEASE GO HOME?', HE'LL GUIDE YOU RIGHT TO THE BARRIER HIMSELF!"

Frisk silently wondered how he could be so confident about it. After all, Toriel had said that he would take their SOUL. They highly doubted that meant a group of humans would stand in a circle, chanting. It most likely meant having it torn painfully from their body. Something they were not looking forward to.

"ANYWAY! THAT'S ENOUGH TALKING! I'LL BE AT HOME, BEING A COOL FRIEND!" he said. "FEEL FREE TO SWING BY AND HAVE THAT DATE!"

Frisk shivered, not because of the cold.

"NYEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!" He rushed past them, disappearing into the snow, which had began falling much more heavily. A fully-fledged snowstorm was surely on its way.

 _Guess I'll have to beg Sans to let me stay one more night,_ they thought wearily. They stared over at the border, a simple booth and gate, separating Blowdin from Waterfall. Then, they turned away, shoving their hands into their coat pockets. Slowly, they began to walk back to Sans and Papyrus's house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that was that. Papyrus lost. He cried. Frisk cried. Flowey cried. Everybody cried. It was a sad day.
> 
> But forget about that! It's time for Chapter Trivia™!
> 
> 1\. The name of this chapter, if you haven't already guessed, is a play on the letter Papyrus leaves you after being captured for the second time, which ends: "Slightly bonetrousled, Papyrus"
> 
> 2\. Sans and Grillby aren't exactly what you'd call "friends". You wouldn't be if you had a smartass customer who never paid his tab.
> 
> 3\. The gadget Sans gives Frisk is just my explanation for what occurs at the end of the Papyrus fight. Because "It's magic! We don't have to explain it!" is a weak excuse.
> 
> 4\. Ah, Frisk. Willing but not very good at keeping their thoughts to themselves, preferring just to voice whatever they're thinking. Quite cynical and loves making personal jabs, and while still being a firm believer in the importance of mercy, they're not above swinging at someone who's trying to kill or hurt them.
> 
> 5\. Blowdin is quite an interesting town. Nearly everyone there is working-class, and those who aren't are middle-class. Sans and Papyrus's house is not theirs, it is merely being rented. That's the main reason Papyrus is pissed off by Sans taking half his earnings. It may well be a charming little town, but, in a way, it is not too far removed from a ghetto.
> 
> Well, that's it for this chapter. Thank you for your reviews, thoughts, etc. It really helps me out.
> 
> I sawed your HP in half,  
> \- offbrandbiscuit


	5. 05: Fleeing the Ghetto

The blizzard was picking up by the time Frisk got back to the house. Sans was lying on the lounge, comatose in front of some travel show. Frisk instantly went for the kitchen, hoping to find something edible that wasn't Papyrus's mediocre spaghetti. Somehow, nothing fit the criteria. The fridge was practically _bursting_ with jars of marinara sauce and bottles of ketchup. The best they could find was some off-brand drink that tasted like Coke.

"Well, I'm back," said Frisk, sitting down decisively. "I conquered the bone-master himself."

"ey, congrats, hombre," said Sans, snapping out of his TV-induced stupor. "so, did it work or what?"

"Yeah, it did," they replied, turning it over in their hands. "I didn't really take you for the inventive type."

Sans reached the TV remote and a joint. "welp, that's how it is, hombre. you think ya know someone and then ya don't."

"What I don't get is why you haven't tried selling it," they said. "I'm sure the Royal Guard would die for one of these."

"and that's why i ain't sellin'," he said, changing the channel. Some girl with cat ears was kissing a tall boy dressed in black.

"ugh, no," muttered Sans, changing it again. It landed on some generic talk show. "anyway, how was he?"

"He took losing quite well, if I'm honest," said Frisk, while Sans fished around for his lighter. "It's the date I'm worried about."

Sans's smile twitched. "what date?"

"Well," they said, taking another gulp of their drink, "he's under the impression that I'm head over heels for him."

"and he asked you out?" asked Sans eagerly, barely able to contain his laughter.

They sighed. "Yes."

He burst. He laughed like a maniac. "ah, man. hombre, you really are a chick magnet. or guy magnet, whichever way ya swing."

"The only way I swing is in your face," retorted Frisk.

"ya know, aggression is a sign of bein' lovesick," he snickered, lighting his joint.

"Being sick is a sign that someone talked to you," they replied, without even hesitating.

Sans coughed out clouds of smoke as he chuckled. "i wouldn't even worry about it, hombre," he said. "papyrus, he... he's a bit different, as you probably realised."

"Mentally challenged?" asked Frisk.

"nah. he's just..." he paused. "real naive. bold. headstrong. whatever floats your boat."

"Well, this one won't," they answered dryly.

"if he suggests a date, he probably just wants to hang out," said Sans helpfully.

"Well, I hope so, because if his hands go anywhere, Old Lady's never gonna hear the end of it," they warned.

They took another sip of their drink, watching the TV. It was back at the studio. A flamboyantly-dressed humanoid male was sitting in an armchair, interviewing some guest.

"So, what's this?" they asked, with vague interest.

"one of the many mtt shows run by mettaton himself," said Sans, taking one last puff of his joint, then crushing it in an ashtray. "see those bolts?"

"He's a robot?"

"yep," said Sans, arms crossed in his lap. "kinda looks like a sex robot, don't ya think?"

"People have different ideas of what constitutes fuck-worthy," Frisk replied idly.

"his fans know what they want then," he said, a slight scowl on his face. "he practically _owns_ TV here. he has game shows, chat shows, movies, hell, a video game company even bought the rights to his name."

"So he's the megastar of the Underground."

"pretty much," he said, shifting a bit.

Frisk looked back at the TV. Mettaton was saying, "Oh my! It's time for our Union-regulated Break!" Then, waving at everyone, he shouted, "Happy break-time, everyone!"

Some confetti cannons offstage fired, and a group of scantily-clad female monsters jumped on stage.

"Okay, wow," said Frisk, taken by surprise. "Where are the FCC when ya need 'em?"

Sans didn't look surprised. "does this every time," he said. Mettaton was now dancing hand-in-hand with the monsters. "it was interestin' the first time, hell, maybe even the second and third. but it got old real fast."

"Leeeet's not stick around," said Frisk, snatching the remote out of Sans's hand, changing the channel. A bored-looking monster was talking about finances or some crap. Hopefully this wasn't to be followed by an obligatory striptease.

"so, what are ya gonna do about my brother?" asked Sans.

"I'll friendzone him," said Frisk, downing the rest of their drink, crushing the can to accentuate their point. " _Hard_."

"ouch. black widow, much?"

"He's thicker than a thickshake," said Frisk. "He probably has no idea what sex even is."

Sans grinned. "you'd be surprised what he knows. look, howsabout i take ya to grillby's when it's over? i got some errands that need takin' care of anyways."

They snorted. "What, now you're in love with me too?"

He recoiled. "ugh, no. in your dreams."

"Unlikely," Frisk shot back. "My dreams are free of perversion, unlike yours."

_* Smells like someone got seriously burned._

"SANS? IS THE HUMAN BACK YET?"

"yep," said Sans.

"WOWIE! TELL THEM I'M READY AND THEY CAN COME UP WHENEVER!"

"can if ya may, paps."

"SHUT UP!"

"okay."

"Is that some kind of running joke here?"

Sans smiled his dumb trademark smile. "have fun, hombre."

Frisk groaned. "Idiot."

* * *

"SO, YOU HAVE ENTERED THE ROOM OF THE GREAT PAPYRUS!" said Papyrus proudly. "PLEASE, FEEL FREE TO LOOK AROUND!"

They did just that. The walls were the same dark mauve colour, the carpets the same pinstriped blue and purple. A violet rug with a flame pattern bordering it sat in the middle of the room. A large poster of a skull and crossbones hung on the wall. For some reason, Papyrus had set up his computer in front of the only window in his room, almost completely blocking out the little sunlight that came through. His bed was also shaped like a race car.

"Okay, this was definitely not what I expected," said Frisk. As they looked around, they noticed a bunch of action figures sitting on his shelf.

"AH YES. ACTION FIGURES," he said fondly. "A GREAT REFERENCE FOR THEORETICAL BATTLE SCENARIOS."

"Well, I've seen weirder," they muttered, approaching the computer. It was accessing some site called Undernet. A timeline of posts was flowing down the middle, a tab labelled "Trending" to the left, and Papyrus's account schematics on the right.

"AH, THE INTERNET. I'M QUITE POPULAR THERE!" he insisted. "IN FACT, I'M ONLY A DOZEN FOLLOWERS AWAY... FROM MY ELUSIVE GOAL OF A DOUBLE-DIGIT SUBSCRIBER COUNT!"

"What kinda site lets you have negative two followers?" asked Frisk suspiciously.

"UNFORTUNATELY, FAME COMES AT A STEEP PRICE," he said sombrely. "AN ONLINE TROLL HAS BESIEGED MY PERSONA, SENDING ME DUMB PUNS IN A GOOFY FONT..."

He cleared his throat. "SO, ARE YOU READY TO START THE DATE OR..." he trailed off.

"Oh, yeah. I guess." They pulled the swivel chair away from the computer and sat down, crossing their arms. "So, what do you want to do?"

"WELL, I WAS THINKING WE COULD JUST START THE DATE!"

"Yeah, what are we going to _do_ on the date?"

"W-WELL, UM..." he hesitated, before rushing over to his bookshelf. "N-NEVER FEAR! I PICKED UP A BOOK FROM THE LIBRARBY ABOUT—"

" _Library_ ," said Frisk.

Papyrus blinked. "I MEAN, IT'S _CALLED_ THE LIBRAR—"

"They misspelled the sign, you dork," said Frisk, rolling their eyes.

"R-REALLY?" He smiled widely. "WOWIE! YOU'RE SO CLEVER! NOT EVEN I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, NOTICED THAT!"

_Well, it's a compliment and I'll take it._

"ANYWAY, I GOT A BOOK THAT EXPLAINS IT ALL. AHEM... LET'S SEE... HOW TO OPEN THE DATING... 'H-U-D'?" he read out, sounding bewildered. "SIMPLY SAY... 'DATING H-U-D'."

Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to best him, Frisk confidently said, "Dating HUD!"

Nothing happened.

"ERM. MAYBE I NEED TO SAY IT," said Papyrus awkwardly. "DATING HUD!"

Nothing.

"Okay, well, I'm outta here," said Frisk, heading for the door. "Clearly no chemistry here."

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" asked Papyrus. "WE HAVEN'T EVEN _BEGUN_!"

"And we've already had a massive failing," they replied. "Face it, dude. We're incompatible."

"NOOOO!" shouted Papyrus like Willem Dafoe in the end of _Platoon_. "THE GREAT PAPYRUS NEVER GIVES UP! NEVER ON A FRIEND!"

"I thought you wanted a date, not a hangout," said Frisk.

"I— I..." he hesitated, grabbing his skull in confusion. "I DON'T KNOW _WHAT_ I WANT!"

Frisk sighed. _Great. I really didn't wanna play therapist to a manchild skeleton but I guess that's how it's gonna be._

They approached Papyrus and put a hand on his shoulder. "Hey. Just relax, alright?" they said boredly. "Just do what you would do. Be great at it. Take it from the top."

"WELL..." he said. "I SUPPOSE I CAN TRY! THANK YOU, HUMAN! YOU HAVE RESTORED THE FAITH THAT BURNS WITHIN THE SOUL OF THE GREAT PAPYRUS!"

He began pacing the room, talking to himself. "HOW COULD I ALLOW MYSELF TO BECOME SO FLUSTERED? MY CONFUSION... IT MATTERS NOT!" He looked straight at Frisk. "YOU HELPED ME, BUT WHY?"

Before they could answer, Papyrus cut across. "I BELIEVE IT WAS BECAUSE IT WAS ME!"

"Uh, sure, whatever makes you happy," said Frisk, shrugging.

Papyrus was practically swooning. "WOWIE... I NEVER EXPECTED THIS..." he was saying. "I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU! WAIT HERE!"

He rushed into his closet, shutting the door behind him. Frisk waited for a moment, and then Papyrus burst out of the closet. Now he had changed into a shirt that said "COOL DUDE", a backwards cap and shorts. He also appeared to have swapped out his shoulder bones for... basketballs?

 _Is this s_ _ome kind of fetish_ _?_ wondered Frisk, while Papyrus nodded impressively.

"THIS IS MY..." Dramatic pause. "SUPER-SECRET STYLE! IF YOU CAN FIND OUT WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT IT, WELL... YOU'LL BE EVEN COOLER!"

 _'Super-secret', huh?_ _t_ hought Frisk, approaching him. They plucked the hat off his head, and took the thing hidden underneath the hat. They looked at it. It was a plateful of spaghetti... knitted from yarn. As they inspected it, it said "Eric" in a deep, masculine voice. They freaked out and hurled it at the wall like they were playing Wii Sports.

Papyrus, ignorant to the situation that just unfolded, gasped. "WOWIE! YOU FIGURED IT OUT! INCREDIBLE!"

As Frisk just stood there blithely, Papyrus began monologuing. "WHAT IS THIS FEELING...? IT'S TOO STRONG. HUMAN. I THINK I KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING." He knelt before them. "I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW. EVERYTHING YOU'VE SAID AND DONE HAS ALL BEEN FOR MY SAKE."

He sighed. "YOU CARE A LOT ABOUT ME. AND I CARE ABOUT YOU TOO. I SEE THAT NOW. BUT..." he placed his hands on their shoulders. "YOU FEEL A DIFFERENT WAY ABOUT ME THAN I INITIALLY THOUGHT."

"What, you mean, you thought I liked you romantically?" asked Frisk, already knowing the answer would be yes.

"BELIEVE ME, I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THAT!" he insisted. "SAYING SUCH GREAT THINGS ABOUT ME SO THAT I WOULD FEEL GREAT... ONLY A TRUE FRIEND WOULD DO SUCH A THING FOR ME."

"Uh, thanks," said Frisk, shifting uncomfortably. "It'd be great just to stay friends."

"OH YES, I AGREE," he said. "DO YOU STILL WANT TO HANG OUT?"

Frisk shrugged. "Y'know what? Sure." They had nothing better to do, and honestly, they were kinda interested in finding out more about him. For some reason, Papyrus decided to show him "A CURATED COMPILATION OF ONLY THE HIGHEST-QUALITY COMICAL FOUND FOOTAGE."

Frisk wondered if humans could access these knock-off sites, as they watched another mildly funny clip of a drake monster in big shoes and equally large reading glasses fall off stage. Papyrus was still watching with an enraptured expression.

Their eyes began to wander, and they soon found a strange mark on his desk. A white residue. They leaned down and sniffed at it. Papyrus had realised that they weren't watching by this point.

"HUMAN! WHY AREN'T YOU PAYING ATTEN..." He noticed their hand reaching for the desk drawer. "HEY! DON'T OPEN THAT! THAT IS—"

They did it anyway. Amongst the plethora of energy drink cans, there were a few plastic baggies with a white powder in it.

"Okay, wow. That was not what I expected," said Frisk, shutting the door quickly. "That was a lot of a fucking coke."

"I-IT WASN'T THAT MUCH!" Papyrus replied indignantly.

"It still means you're doing drugs!" said Frisk, exasperated. "What is the deal with this place? Is literally everyone on drugs?"

He scoffed exaggeratedly. "THE GREAT PAPYRUS," he said boldly, "DOES NOT HAVE TO ANSWER TO THAT."

"Why the hell would you—"

"N-NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" he blustered. "IT'S A MARVELLOUS PERFORMANCE ENHANCER! I CAN GET SO MUCH MORE WORK DONE! IN FACT, BECAUSE OF HOW HARD I'VE BEEN WORKING, I MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET INTO THE ROYAL GUARD!"

They shook their head. "What are ya going to do when ya have to take a drugs test?"

"WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?"

"Forget it. Point is, this is some serious shit, dude."

"I'M WELL AWARE OF THAT!" he said.

"Why the hell are you still doing it, then?"

"B-BECAUSE! I _HAVE_ TO!" he shouted, getting excited. "I'M SO CLOSE, I JUST KNOW IT! LIKE I SAID BEFORE... I _WILL_ _B_ E THE ONE! I _MUST_ BE THE ONE! I WILL BECOME A FAMOUS ROYAL GUARDSMAN!"

They raised their hands in surrender. "Alright, alright, I get it!"

He lowered his voice a bit. "SO! NOW YOU UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS SO IMPORTANT TO ME!"

"Yeah, I guess I do... but, what about Sans?"

He opened his mouth to retort, but stopped.

"SANS..." he said, looking over his shoulder, sighing. "HE DOESN'T KNOW. AS FAR AS HE KNOWS I'M JUST THE LOUD, BOSSY OLDER BROTHER. THAT'S ALL I AM TO YOU, ISN'T IT?"

Frisk had to admit, he had them struck there. "Well... I'll admit, I'm not a huge fan of you," they said. "But maybe I just don't know enough about you. Maybe Sans really cares about people, but he's just pushed it so far away he's forgotten how. I don't know."

"WITHOUT IT, WHAT AM I?" asked Papyrus. "I WAS BARELY ENOUGH TO GET INTO THE ROYAL GUARD, IMAGINE TRYING TO GET WHERE I WANT TO..."

"If you keep going the way you're going, sooner or later, you're gonna get hurt," said Frisk. "And I really don't want that."

_* Realisation flashes in Papyrus's eyes...! But he blinks it away._

Papyrus looked at them, as if wishing to believe their words. "I... WELL... I DON'T WANT TO STOP," he said. "THE ROYAL GUARD IS EVERYTHING I'VE EVER DREAMED OF. HOW CAN I JUST THROW IT ALL AWAY?"

Frisk shook their head. "You don't have to. The only thing you gotta throw away are those damn drugs."

"I KNOW IT'S A PROBLEM," he said, his voice hollow. "I JUST... REALLY WANT THIS JOB. AND IT PAYS SO WELL. AND... WE'RE GOING THROUGH A REALLY DIFFICULT TIME RIGHT NOW."

"Wanna talk about it?"

He gave a weak chuckle. "NYEH, IF YOU INSIST..."

He took a deep breath. "WELL... YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE NOTICED HOW SAD EVERYONE AROUND HERE IS. THAT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL HIDING IT BEHIND A SMILE. THEY'RE TRYING TO KEEP THEIR SPIRITS UP, SO THEY CAN IGNORE THE BAD THINGS HAPPENING AROUND THEM."

Frisk was taken aback. Was this actually Papyrus speaking?

"BLOWDIN IS HORRIBLY POOR. MORE AND MORE MONEY IS BEING POURED INTO POTLAND, WHILE WE'RE JUST LEFT HERE TO ROT..."

"What's Potland?" asked Frisk, fighting back the urge to grin.

"THE MOST INDUSTRIAL PART OF THE UNDERGROUND," explained Papyrus. "THERE'S A STEELWORKS THERE, A TV COMPANY THERE—" _Probably Mettaton's._ "AND IT'S ALSO WHERE THE ROYAL SCIENTIST LIVES."

_I guess I'll be passing through there soon enough._

"ANYWAY... THAT'S WHY I REALLY WISH SANS WOULD GET A JOB. BECAUSE NOW I HAVE TO WORK TWICE AS HARD FOR TWICE AS LONG JUST TO KEEP UP. IT'S... REALLY STRESSING ME OUT. THAT'S WHEN I STARTED DOING... _THAT_. I-IT REALLY HELPS, THOUGH!" he insisted. "IT MAKES THE HOURS GO BY SO QUICKLY I RARELY REMEMBER THEM! A-AND, I DON'T HAVE TO EAT AS MUCH, SO WE SPEND LESS MONEY ON FOOD!"

"It won't help you forever, dude," they said. "That money you're spending on it could be put towards keeping you two going. All it's doing is hurting you. You've been pretty reclusive from Sans lately, haven't you?"

He nodded.

"Trying to hide it from him, trying to be the better person outwardly... but it's taking a toll, yeah?" said Frisk.

He sniffled. "YES."

The two were silent for a few moments. Then, he finally spoke. "I... I SUPPOSE YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU ALWAYS ARE. I PROMISE..." he drew himself up to his full height. "I WILL GET BETTER. FOR SANS AND FOR YOU, TOO."

"I hope ya do," said Frisk, putting an arm around him. "I'm rootin' for ya."

* * *

"hooooombre. c'mon. we're goin' to grillby's."

"ABSOLUTELY NOT, SANS! I REFUSE TO GO NEAR THAT SLEAZY PLACE!"

"aw, c'mon. it's not _that_ bad, bro."

Frisk had to agree with Papyrus on this one. Grillby's was not just sleazy, but also greasy, and very much unwelcoming. Still, they needed to get him out of the house for something other than work.

_* Because you don't trust him alone._

_Well, he's coming down off it, isn't he?_

They were currently in the process of burning all of Papyrus's cocaine in a secret, undisclosed location: the back of the house. Because, yeah, they didn't trust him alone with the stuff. Just because he promised not to use it anymore didn't mean he wouldn't feel tempted to if nobody was around to stop him.

They gathered up the plastic baggies, tossing them on the fire. There was a thick hissing sound as the fiery tongues licked at the plastic, melting it with every touch. They covered their face with their sleeve, the sickening aroma dancing around them.

 _Time to get outta here,_ thought Frisk, heading back to the front of the house, where Sans and Papyrus were still arguing.

"It's done," they said, rather anti-climatically. "Let's get going."

"I HAVE ALREADY TOLD YOU, I REFUSE TO GO ANYWHERE NEAR THAT— OH, FORGET IT, YOU'RE GOING TO GO ANYWAY."

"then it's settled," said Sans. "let's hit the town, bro."

A few minutes later, the three were in Grillby's, surrounded once again by overly greasy patrons. Sans immediately plonked himself at the bar, fishing around in his pocket for a few gold coins.

"here ya go," he said, placing them on the counter.

Grillby looked highly unamused.

"Is this supposed to be a joke?" he asked quietly.

Sans chuckled. "nah, grillbz. you know me. least funny guy in the world," he said.

Grillby shook his head, but took it anyway. As he was leaving to serve another patron, Sans called, "can we get a bit o' music in here or somethin'?"

The fiery bartender turned to look at him. "Have 5G?"

"come next week," said Sans. "promise."

Grillby looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here, but did as he was told. He turned on the jukebox, selecting a record at random. The bar went a little quieter as some warm bass notes emerged from the speakers.

"ah, that's a good one."

Grillby gave no acknowledgement.

Frisk sat down next to Sans. The sound of a whoopee cushion filled the bar. They shot a death glare at him.

"oh yeah, i forgot to tell ya, some freak's been puttin' whoopee cushions on the bar stools," he said knowingly. Frisk decided to let it go just this once.

"Hey, Papyrus, you gonna order anything?" asked Frisk. He looked over at them, a glass filled with a weird beverage that was glowing blue. "What's that?"

"AN INTEGROUS OUTING! IT'S QUITE SIMPLY _FABULOUS_!" he said excitedly.

"Can I get one of those?"

Grillby gave them a rueful smile. "Are you over eighteen, human child?"

"What's the legal drinking age down here?" they asked, hoping to outsmart him. They had reckoned with the genius Grillby-certified defense that was to follow.

"We're all out."

"So... make more," said Frisk.

"It is not as easy as 'just make more', human child," Grillby replied. "I can assure you that much."

They rolled their eyes. "Fine. Just pick whatever and take my money."

Grillby looked a little surprised. "Have thirty gold?"

Frisk thought that was a ridiculous price, but all the same, they placed the requested amount on the bar. Grillby took it and said, like a man in a dream, "One Integrous Outing coming right up."

"I thought you said you were out!" said Frisk indignantly.

"But you wanted one?"

"Sure, sure," conceded Frisk. Grillby drifted over to the cabinet.

He mixed something clear with a dark brown liquid they assumed to be soda, then took out a small locked chest. He unlocked it, revealing a small bottle of a brightly-glowing blue syrup. Frisk raised an eyebrow, but continued to watch. Grillby took out what looked like an eyedropper, sucking up a tiny amount of the syrup, then letting a single drip fall into their glass. The result was instantaneous. Little twirls of smoke spiralled out of the glass, and the beverage turned blue, an ethereal glow surrounding it.

 _How did he do that with so little syrup?_ thought Frisk in astonishment, as Grillby returned the contents of the eyedropper to the bottle, locked it back in the box, and shut it away in the cabinet. He dropped a few ice cubes into the drink, then placed it in front of them.

"One Integrous Outing," he said in his creepy monotone.

"What the hell _w_ _as_ that stuff?" asked Frisk suspiciously.

"You're not the first to ask. Unfortunately, that is a trade secret. Drink up."

Before they could ask any more questions, he was gone. They stared at it for a moment. For a moment, Frisk wondered if the syrup had been liquid neon. They voiced this to Sans, who just scoffed.

"grillbz may be a sad sack, but he's no murderer. that stuff ain't poisonous. trust me."

 _Well, you only live once,_ they thought, taking a sip. _Oh wait._

It tasted like blueberries and lager... _not_ that Frisk had ever _tried_ _l_ ager. It gave them a weirdly airy feeling in their stomach, almost as though they had just sat down after saying something gutsy. The drink's name really did reflect the feeling.

"hope i'm not interruptin', hombre..." said Sans, tapping his bony fingers in time with the drums. "but i wanted to talk to ya."

"Go ahead," said Frisk, taking another sip of the drink.

"i needed to know..." his pupils disappeared. "have you ever heard of a talking flower?"

Frisk's heart skipped a beat. "Actually, yeah. You've met him too—?"

"ah, so ya _do_ know," said Sans. "the echo flower."

Frisk blinked in confusion. "Echo flower? No, that's—"

"it basically records the last thing said to it, and says it again forever. at least, until someone says somethin' else to it," Sans explained. "i'm tellin' ya this because papyrus told me a flower sometimes comes up to him while he's on patrol. whispers things... encouragement, flattery, advice..."

 _Dude, you were probably stoned out of your mind when he said that,_ they thought.

"i think someone's playin' a prank or somethin' on him," said Sans. He noticed Frisk's accusing look and raised his hands. "hey, don't look at me."

"That's kinda difficult," said Frisk, gulping down some more of their drink. "Maybe for a paycheck."

"anyway, forget about that. i need a favour. y'see, because ya stayed two days in a row, i gotta charge ya the grand total of one solid."

"So long as it isn't burying a dead body, I'm in."

"well, actually, i was kinda looking to get rid of this one guy—"

"Get someone else to do it," said Frisk.

"a'ight, a'ight. anyway, i need ya to help me sell some product."

"Do you do this to all your guests?" asked Frisk.

"nope. we don't get any."

They sighed. They had a feeling they'd need to spend one more night there, so it looked like they were gonna have to do it.

"Fine," they said. "Let's get this over with."

Sans tutted. "ah, c'mon, hombre. ya gotta do it with a smile! c'mon, i wanna see that smile agaaain."

Frisk rolled their eyes. "Are you drunk?"

Sans gave a loud, wheezing laugh. "nah, hombre. it takes a lot more'n _this_ to get _me_ drunk."

Frisk watched as he rummaged around in his pockets, mumbling under his breath. He retrieved a couple of plastic baggies filled with marijuana. The amount of fun they had been having dropped exponentially. "i only got a few packs on me today. so, just go and flog a few to someone. fifty g a pop."

"How much are you getting it for?"

"twenty-five g," he said shamelessly.

Frisk shook their head. "I could talk about moral injustice, but that'd take too long."

"tha's the spirit!" he said, clapping them on the shoulder. "now, go make some money."

"Go make _you_ some money, you mean."

Sans chuckled. "yeah, that's right. oh, and by the way..." he added, as they set off. "if they refuse... find a distraction and nick their cash."

"That's kinda low, even for you," said Frisk. "But okay."

They took some, stuffing it in their pockets. They approached the first patron that looked like a drug-smoker to them. They coughed to get their attention. The ugly bastard looked over his shoulder at them.

"Hey, buddy," said Frisk, getting up close. "You look like the kinda guy who could use a toke." Before the monster could deny it, they revealed the packets of drugs.

The monster snickered. "Alright, what's your proposition?"

"Fifty G, nothing more, nothing less," they said.

_* You feel like scum of the Earth._

_Like I have a choice,_ argued Frisk. Although they had to admit, their actions were not very defendable.

The monster's face fell. "Sans put'cha up to this, didn't 'e?"

Frisk looked around, an incredulous look on their face. "Wow, so what if he did? Do you want that high or do you wanna die? Figuratively, of course," they added.

"Eh, I'm not stupid, kiddo," said the monster. "I know a bad deal when I see one."

"How about we make a better one, then?" suggested Frisk. "I buy something from you and you buy from me— oh, sorry. From _Sans_ at full price. That is, if you even _have_ any worldly possessions," they added with a smug grin.

The monster grinned. "Oh, oh, I got somethin..." He took something out of his pocket. It was a mouth guard, obviously for a boxer. Some of the teeth appeared to be gold, though Frisk doubted it.

 _* Mouth Guard (+6 Defence)  
* Goes with a __children's toy_ _like a steak_ _goes_ _with ice-cream._

"See here, this belonged to one of _your_ kind—" he snarled. "—but that fella done goofed and got 'imself killed!" he wheezed.

"Go on."

"So, Bella — she runs the general store — swiped it from their corpse and I bought it from them!" he said.

"I really don't care where you get it, I wanna know how much."

He snickered. "How much do you _think_ it's worth?"

Frisk looked at him, a sad, mocking smile on their face. "If that were real gold, it'd fetch a fair amount. Unfortunately, fake gold teeth aren't gonna make you rich here or there."

He sighed, exasperated. "O-okay, fine! I tried to sucker ya. But," he added shakily, "I-I can cut'cha a real good deal!"

"It better be good. Time's-a-wastin'."

"Pay what it's worth in gold, plus five for the TLC I've given it."

"What, adding thicker paint? Unlikely. It's worth twenty, take it or leave it."

Frisk waited for a moment, allowing him to sweat in suspense. He very obviously wanted them to buy it, and needed the money for his crippling weed addiction.

"Fine," he said, taking the gold and giving them the trash.

"Pleasure doing business with you," said Frisk sarcastically. "Now, where's the weed money you promised?"

His face went red. "Uh... well... alright! I haven't got fifty G! But, come next week, I'll buy some from ya, full price! Honest!"

They rolled their eyes. "Shitsack."

He looked confused as Frisk strolled away, making sure to bump into him especially hard.

Frisk snickered quietly as they rifled through the monster's wallet, retrieving the twenty gold coins they'd blown on that useless garbage. "Sucker."

Frisk met up with Sans at another corner of the bar, had a short, pointless conversation about the anatomy of a Moldsmal which they used as cover to slip Sans the wallet they'd swiped.

"'ey, looks like ya get it," he said, rifling through it, looking disappointed when he found it only contained fifteen gold. "try to find someone less... poor."

"Not my fault he was a cheap bastard," said Frisk bitterly. They approached an especially greasy-looking one.

"Mind if I sit here?"

He shrugged. "Go ahead."

"So, I'm trying to get rid of a... highly personal substance," they said, trying to keep the mood light, "very recently. And I was wondering if, for the grand total of fifty G, you'd take it off my hands."

"You kiddin', kid?" he asked, shaking his head. "Fifty G wouldn't even get'cha a drink for everyone here."

They leaned closer. "Give me fifty and I'll get you a drink."

He scratched his hairy chin. "Well... I guess that sounds good. Will ya—?"

"And no, this is _not_ negotiable," said Frisk. "What's it gonna be?"

He sighed. "Fine. Get me a Kind Ale."

"Won't take a minute," said Frisk, as the monster handed over fifty gold. They wondered if Sans would be pissed off if they bought the guy a drink with the profits.

 _Eh,_ _what has he ever done for me_ _?_ _wondered_ Frisk. So, they headed over to the counter and ordered a Kind Ale with the profits. Grillby gave Frisk a questioning look.

"Hey, he's the drunk, not me," they said, pointing out the monster. Grillby sighed, but started mixing the drink. Frisk surveyed the bar, noticing Sans lolling against the jukebox.

Sans was pleased. "doin' great, hombre," he said. "just gotta sell a few more, then i can clear this month's debts."

"How many debts _do_ you have?"

"hombre, that's not something you wanna know," he chuckled.

A few more packets of weed later, they had finished their little 'errand'. Sans, whose work had mostly consisted of doing absolutely nothing, brought them another Integrous Outing when he saw how worn out they looked.

"thanks for your help, buddy," he said. "it really helped. papyrus says it ain't a real job, but it pays the rent. sentries aren't well-paid anyways..."

This lead to Sans buying more drinks, which ended up getting him so drunk he was singing homegrown lyrics to one of the more melancholy songs on the jukebox. At that point, Frisk was ready to call it a night. Unfortunately, Papyrus was having such a great time he wouldn't let anyone leave. And when they said 'anyone', they meant _anyone._

"OH, COME _ON_!" he insisted. "YOU CAN'T _LEAVE_! IT WOULD BE _BORING_ WITHOUT YOU GUYS!"

"Okay, I think you oughta head home," said Frisk.

He scoffed. "BUT I FEEL _FINE_!" he argued. "AND IT'S ONLY TEN O' CLOCK!"

"Just come back tomorrow, Jesus," said Frisk, shaking their head. "I thought you hated this place."

"WELL, I—" Papyrus was saying, but his phone started ringing. "EXCUSE ME FOR ONE SECOND."

Frisk waved him away. "Of course."

"we _should_ go soon," admitted Sans. "i'm gettin' _way_ tired."

The bar door burst open.

"HUMAN! I'VE AMAZING NEWS!" he shouted. "UNDYNE JUST RANG, AND I SAID YOU WERE AT GRILLBY'S WITH US, AND THAT SHE WAS FREE TO MEET YOU!"

Everyone turned to look at him. Unfortunately, there wasn't a record scratch to punctuate the moment.

"Papyrus, you fucking idiot," groaned Frisk.

He raised his hands. "NOW, NOW. THERE'S NO NEED FOR VULGARITY. IT'S ONLY A MEET-AND-GREET!"

"Is that what she told you?" they asked.

"NO, THAT'S WHAT _I_ TOLD _HER_ ," he corrected.

"Ah, shit," they muttered. "Guess I should clear off."

_But first,_ _a little bit of witness tampering._

They stood up on the bar stool, addressing everyone. "Hey, if I buy all of you a drink, will you remember me when I'm gone?"

Everyone mumbled their agreement.

"BAM!" they shouted, clapping their hands. "Wrong answer! The answer was 'No, kind stranger. I will not remember you. Please bestow the gifts of alcohol upon my tortured soul.' You're welcome." They climbed off the stool, then asked Grillby what the cheapest drink was.

"That would be a beer."

"Right, how much'll it be to buy everyone here a beer?"

"Sixty gold," he said. "My silence will incur an additional five gold fee."

Frisk thought that was slimy, but they couldn't really talk, so they handed over the requested amount, then turned to Sans. "Know a shortcut out of here?"

"undyne'll be comin' from waterfall, so i reckon you should head to the other side of town. find the small little igloo. it's like a hyperlink system that takes ya across town in a few seconds."

_'Hyperlink system', huh? That reminds me of someone..._

"How can you guys afford that? I thought this place was a ghetto."

"it cost nothin' asides from the hours of monster labour," Sans corrected, "which paid nothing.

"anyway, i'll call ya when she comes in. then you can take the tunnel across town. cross the border, don't stop," he said, ushering them outside.

"GRILLBY SAYS YOU HAVEN'T PAID FOR THOSE DRINKS!" Papyrus called out.

"sans says put 'em on my tab," Sans replied. "go on, get outta here, buddy. 'less ya wanna sleep with the fishes, heheh."

Frisk started running, not looking back. Once they reached the Blowdin tunnels, they waited for Sans to tell them it was safe.

After a minute or two, Sans sent a two-word message: "all clear".

 _Here we go._ They were about to jump inside, when they noticed the gathering yellow particles in their hands. _Is that...?_

Despite having no clue what they were supposed to do, they just tried to focus their will on SAVING. Or whatever happened when they touched one of those stars. And wouldn't you know it, one appeared out of nowhere.

"The fact I'm awesome fills me with the epic power of determination," they muttered to themselves. "And in we go."

They jumped inside. They felt a ghostly hand on their back, and then the force and vigor of a speeding truck slam into them. Before they could even figure out what was going on, they were thrown out the other end, landing in a big pile of snow.

Acknowledging that was weird but also that it wasn't important, they hurried off towards the edge of town, past the skeletons' house and down the path.

A tired-looking monster sat in the booth. "Please preseeent your per... mission granted by a... public official," he mumbled.

"Ask Papyrus," they shouted, sliding underneath the gate and sprinting away before he could say anything. They stopped at the mouth of a huge cave, or more likely caverns.

_Well, here we are. Waterfall. Guess this isn't gonna be all that easy._

_* Tread lightly_ _._

_Thanks, Captain Obvious._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end of the Blowdin arc! That sure was a blast, eh? Now onto the watery lands of Waterfall and the PTSD-inducing attacks, courtesy of our favourite Crazed Fish Lady!
> 
> But let's not worry about that right now! It's time for my fabled Chapter Trivia segment!
> 
> 1\. The TV show Sans changes the channel to first is Mew Mew Kissy Cutie.
> 
> 2\. The rewrite changed the dating segment a lot, because I felt it was just too much of a carbon copy of the actual date segment. So, I decided to subvert it instead.
> 
> 3\. "like Willem Dafoe in the end of Platoon" is a reference to a joke in the BrewStew video "First Fight".
> 
> 4\. The spaghetti saying "Eric" is a reference to SCP-066, an amorphous ball of yarn that says the name constantly when not producing other anomalous effects.
> 
> 5\. "That was a lot of fucking coke" is a reference to a line from the YTP "Phil Swift From Flex Tape Has a Mental Breakdown" by FlyingKitty.
> 
> 6\. The drinks have the names of the soul traits for a reason. Integrity and Kindness are referenced, specifically. Kind Ale was chosen as a reference to A Kind Ale War.
> 
> 7\. The "hyperlink system" is a reference to Elon Musk's The Boring Company project.
> 
> Anyway, stick around. Waterfall's coming up. More drugs, more violence, more emotional scarring, all right here on UNDERSNORT!
> 
> Toriel said it's my turn on the Xbox,  
> \- offbrandbiscuit


	6. 06: The Fuckin' Water, Man

Waterfall wasn't that different from what Frisk had expected. The walls were a dull limestone, the ground's consistency slightly sand-like. A small waterfall from above was gently splashing down the sides of the cliff. A monster was relaxing in a nearby sentry station.

 _I could use some information,_ thought Frisk, approaching the monster.

"Hey there, stranger," they greeted. "I'm new here and—"

"Yeah, I know," said the monster. "Ya didn't hear this from me, but... I saw Undyne stormin' past here just a few minutes ago. Word on the street is..." He leaned in close. "There's a human in the Underground."

"Huh," said Frisk, trying to play it off. "That's good."

The monster shook his head. "Friend, I know you're the human."

"What can I say? I'm a celebrity," they replied.

"But, the way I see it is that if I don't get involved, it isn't my problem. So, I ain't gonna get involved," he said.

"Can you tell me literally anything else that isn't related to you, me or Undyne?" they asked.

"Absolutely, friend. Ya see, Waterfall is a sort of half-cavern, half-industrial area. Potland—" Frisk suppressed a snicker. "has been gettin' some _major_ tech advancements as of late, and it's been kinda leakin' into this here settlement."

"So, should I be on the lookout for automated sentry guns?" asked Frisk sarcastically.

The monster waved it away. "Nah, nah. Not here. Potland? Yeah, watch your back. Also," he added conspiratorially, "I hear the Royal Guard's lookin' to put more guns on the street. Y'know, so people can knock down a human real fast. 'S a real 'shoot first, ask questions never' agenda they got goin' on there."

"Anything about the environment?"

"Natural camouflage, friend. Lots of tall sea grass and dark areas. 'S a nice place to live," he insisted. "It's cool, it's quiet, it's got a nice climate, rains a lot. 'S probably the best life for me, but one monster's treasure is another monster's trash as they say."

"The phrase is 'one man's trash is another's treasure', you uncultured swine," they said, "but thanks." They eyed the sentry station. "Sans's station?"

The monster adjusted his sunglasses, a bit of an unnecessary adornment considering the frequent rain. "You shouldn't hang out with that arsehole," he said. "He's slippery, he's slimy, he's scummy. Nothin' good will come of it if ya do."

Frisk narrowed an eye at him but decided to leave it alone.

"Yo!"

They recognised the voice as that of the armless monster they'd met in Blowdin. "What is it now?" they grumbled.

"Yo, have you _seen_ Undyne?" he asked excitedly. "Man, I wanna grow up to be just like her!"

"Cool, don't care," said Frisk.

The kid didn't seem to hear them. "Keep an eye out for her! Lemme know if you see her! Get her autograph for me!"

"Will do," they replied dully. Then, under their breath: "I'll get her to send you my severed head. Maybe she'll be kind enough to suck out the insides for you."

"Huh? What was that?"

Frisk didn't answer him, instead crossing the room to the SAVE point that was twinkling near the sentry station.

 _* The landscape of Waterfall fills you with determination. HP fully restored.  
_ _* File saved._

 _Are you running out of ideas already?_ asked Frisk.

The voice gave an indignant noise in response.

They entered the next room. A large waterfall was pouring down, large rocks falling from random places.

 _I suppose this is some kind of death-trap,_ thought Frisk. They splashed through the fast-moving water that was desperately trying to push them away. Out of the corner of their eye, they noticed a small gap behind the waterfall. A neat little hidden room was to be found.

A dusty tutu lay on the ground, abandoned and forgotten. The voice cleared its throat, and gave some information.

 _* Dusty Tutu (+10 Defence)  
_ _* An old dusty tutu. It appears to have nicotine stains on it._

Frisk shuddered. In the same vein that they would not wear a skull necklace, they would absolutely _not_ wear a tutu. They didn't dance anyway. Although, they would be pretty well cut-out for it, with all the dodging they'd had to do so far.

_* Come on. +10 Defence is pretty good._

_No. I'll look ridiculous!_

_* Fine. See if you change your mind when you die._

_Alright, alright. Sheesh,_ thought Frisk, picking up the tutu and slipping into it.

They looked down at themselves, cringing with embarrassment. _Well, at least it's not pink..._

It still clashed horribly with their clothes, but they could put up with it. At least until they found something better.

 _Still,_ they reasoned, exiting the room that closely resembled a ten-dollar take on the Indiana Jones boulder scene, _I can't imagine how it's possible for items like a necklace and tutu to raise my defence. This isn't a video game, after all..._

_* Video game or not, you'd be surprised at what people can do to an ordinary item._

_Are you going to introduce yourself or what?_ asked Frisk, irritated by the lack of explanation.

No response was forthcoming.

_How did it ever come to this? I've reached the first stage of insanity... wearing a tutu._

Frisk hurried onward. A large patch of sea grass stood before them. They tried not to rustle it as they stepped through it. Obviously, they hadn't been good enough, because, not a moment later, they were treated to the sound of someone charging an energy spear.

They immediately dropped to the ground, their heart thrashing violently in their chest. They covered their mouth with their spare hand, trying to slow their breathing at the same time. They waited in sheer terror to know whether they'd be found or not.

The sound of a large metal boot clanking against the ground reverberated through the area.

_* If I were you, I'd be getting ready to fight back._

_REALLY NOT IN THE MOOD FOR IT RIGHT NOW._

The spear was buzzing in the air, the sound practically crawling up their spine.

_Clank._

Frisk stifled a whimper, curling into a ball amongst the sea grass.

_* Fight her or run away. Those are your only options._

Frisk wasn't even listening. They were just waiting for spears to start flying at them.

The spear's buzzing faded. The person's footsteps got quieter and quieter, until Frisk couldn't hear them anymore. Then, they picked themselves up, ready to continue despite the close call.

"Yo!"

"Oh my God, not agai—"

"Yo, man! Did you _see_ that? It looked like she was gonna throw that thing! Man, too bad you didn't see her."

"I consider it a blessing," said Frisk, not even bothering to look at him.

"...huh? Yo! Where are you going?"

Thankfully, the kid didn't follow them. Which was good, because Frisk couldn't have a fanboy of the monster hunting them tagging along.

The next room had a large gap of water separating them from the other side. There was a small cut out section that housed four strange seeds. Luckily, the sign on the wall (weirdly lit by tiny LED lights on the sides) had an explanation.

_These are Bridge Seeds. When four are placed in a straight line, they will bloom, forming a bridge which the user can cross._

Frisk tossed them into the water, watching them slowly float towards the other side. When they each made contact, they bloomed spectacularly. However, they didn't entirely trust the stability of the bridge. They tentatively placed a foot on the bridge, slowly putting their weight on it. Nothing happened. They took a step forward. Nothing.

 _Humanity is_ really _holding back on the new Apple tech,_ they thought as they crossed the bridge.

Entering the next room, which seemed to be another Bridge Seed puzzle, Frisk took a moment to appreciate just how nice Waterfall was, aesthetics-wise. This room had no roof, so they could see much more of Waterfall. To nobody's surprise, they saw waterfalls off in the distance, huge, towering stalagmites, and a ceiling littered with precious gemstones. All set to a beautiful blue backdrop.

_* Like it?_

They were snapped back to reality. _Yeah, I guess. Better than the dump I came from._

Frisk continued down the path, but stopped fairly quickly. A monster was blocking their way. It sported a long, winding tail, and a very much physically impossible twelve-pack. A mane of lustrous brown hair swept over his shoulders.

"Uh, hiya there. Mind movin' out of the way, pal?" asked Frisk, peering around him.

His only response was to conjure some kind of bubble attack.

Frisk shrugged. "Okay. Guess I gotta fight you. Fair enough."

_* Aaron flexes in!_

_* FIGHT | **ACT** | ITEM | MERCY_

_* **Check** | Flex | Shoo_

_* AARON - 24 ATK 12 DEF  
* This seahorse has a lot of HP (horsepower). All his attacks are harder to dodge further back._

" _Check_ all you want!" he winked, eliciting a shudder from Frisk.

Muscular arms came out of nowhere, moving towards them. They noticed how the left row came later than the right. Once they got the pattern, it was easy to dodge.

_* Smells like an underwater barnyard._

_* Check | Flex | **Shoo**_

_* You tell Aaron to go away._

"Feisty, huh?" he winked.

"Are you challenging me?" asked Frisk, as comically large sweat bullets came spiralling towards them. This proved no challenge.

_* Aaron is sweating bullets. Literally._

_Well, I've only got one more option._

Frisk flexed their arm at Aaron. His eyes narrowed, and he flexed twice as hard back.

_* ATTACK increases for the both of you._

Sweat bullets came raining down on Frisk. They skilfully dodged each one.

_* You flex harder. Aaron flexes thrice as hard. ATTACK increases again._

_Shame it won't make his attacks hit me,_ thought Frisk, dodging the muscular arms again.

_* You flex. Aaron flexes very hard... so hard that he flexes himself out of the room._

_* You won! You earned 0 EXP and 30 GOLD!_

_Well, that was certainly a disturbing experience,_ thought Frisk, glancing down at themselves again. _Must be this damn tutu. The sooner I get it off the better._

_* Oh, come now. Don't blame the innocent tutu for this random encounter._

_Shut it._

They couldn't help but notice the sign on a rock in the middle of a pond. So, they tossed the Bridge Seeds in there and went over to read it.

_Congratulations! You failed the puzzle._

Frisk went and rung the bell. The seeds returned to their original starting points, but not for long. Frisk tossed them in a different body of water that actually lead somewhere. It was just a simple room with a park bench...

...or so they thought. Underneath it, they found a quiche still in its tin. Amazingly, it looked like it was still good to eat.

_* There's an abandoned quiche under the bench. Take it?_

_Eh, what the hell. Sounds good to me,_ they thought, picking up the quiche.

_* It's a psychologically damaged egg-and-spinach pie. Heals 34 HP, but has some serious trust issues._

Frisk laughed. "Okay, that one was out of the blue."

They placed the quiche in their pocket, chuckling once more. "Sounds like me. Good ol' psychologically damaged me."

After calling the Bridge Seeds back and forming a bridge again, Frisk hurried through the doorway to the next room — and probably next puzzle.

Their phone rang. They glanced at the caller ID. It was just a random number. For a moment, they wondered if it was Toriel. Before she could back out, they picked up.

"HELLO, HUMAN!"

"Oh. Hey, Papyrus. How'd you get this number?"

"OH, I JUST DIALLED EVERY NUMBER SEQUENTIALLY UNTIL I GOT YOURS!" he said dismissively.

Frisk snickered. "Of course you did."

"ANYWAY, I CALLED YOU TO ASK... WHAT ARE YOU WEARING? I'M ASKING FOR A FRIEND."

 _Oh boy._ "What's this friend's name?"

"UM... WELL, YOU SEE—"

"Ah, forget it. I'm wearin' a... polka-dotted shirt and a really dumb, goofy hat," they answered.

"AH, THANK YOU! UNDY— I MEAN, MY FRIEND WILL BE VERY PLEASED!" he said, before hanging up.

They stuffed the phone back into their pocket, sighing. They thought about trying to call Toriel for a moment, but then decided that was the stupidest thing they'd ever thought of. They still didn't forgive her. And she was probably dead anyway, so who gave a fuck. Certainly not them.

They saw an Echo Flower up ahead. Once they got closer, they noticed a sign displaying the words "WISHING ROOM". Some small gemstones sparkled in the ceiling.

They leaned in towards the flower, hesitating for a moment, then saying, "I wish I could meet this weird voice would show itself for once."

The rest of the room was extremely beautiful. The only thing not beautiful about it was the great many Echo Flowers that filled the room from all sides. Their voices meshed together into a haze of white noise, leaving few words understandable.

"What's your... going to laugh... won't... see the surface... my dream too..."

"Yesterday, I... the store... a weird-looking..."

"Tell me... aspiration... not what I was expecting..."

_Wow, hopes and dreams are really annoying._

Frisk stumbled across a telescope pointing at the ceiling. Thinking it was a puzzle, they got down on one knee and peered through it. All they saw was the ceiling. They adjusted it a little, turning to one of the sparkling gemstones in the ceiling. A message was written on the lens. _Check north wall._

They left it behind, not noticing the red ring around their eye.

They headed north, just seeing a wall. They gave it a kick, and the wall crumbled.

_Huh. Either I'm stronger than I thought or that wall is extremely weak._

Frisk pressed on, brushing a few large plants out of the way. They seemed to be on a jetty constructed mostly from wooden planks. More LED-lit signs lined the walls. One talked about 'water sausages', which were the most common plant in Waterfall. This left Frisk only wondering if they were as edible as a sausage, or just that they resembled a sausage.

The others talked about the war between humans and monsters to a fair extent. Frisk ignored them. It was nothing they hadn't already heard.

A raft was docked up ahead. Frisk gave it a nervous glance. Surely that wasn't the _only_ way forward?

It certainly seemed so. So, they untied it from its moorings and gave it a shove, jumping onto it as it began drifting off. Frisk lay down, spreading out like a starfish.

_* What are you even doing?_

_Trying to evenly distribute my weight so I don't fall in the water and die,_ Frisk snapped.

Despite their worries, the ride went smoothly. Not wanting to upset the raft, they slowly inched their body towards the jetty where they had docked. Once they had gotten onto their feet, they hurried through some sea grass, trying to make up for lost time.

The lighting in the next room was oddly dramatic. They tread carefully, feeling uncomfortable. This room didn't seem right. There were large stalagmite pillars over to their left, and enough room for someone to hide behind them.

Their soul was practically dripping with anticipation. They were ready for whatever was going to happen.

A blue energy spear landed in front of them with a loud thwack. They bit their lip, their gasp somewhat muffled. They took a quick step back, looking over at the pillars. Someone in a suit of armour was standing there, gripping a spear in their hands.

 _What? No dramatic sting?_ thought Frisk, taking this as their cue to run.

The person hurried after them, throwing a hail of spears at them. Frisk didn't bother looking back to see where the spears were, they just kept running.

Besides, the one time they _did_ look back, it looked like they were charging a Mexican armada of spears.

Spears flew past them, most hitting the water with a plunk, some embedding themselves in the cave walls. They were barely aware of them; only the sound of their boots hitting the ground rhythmically.

There was a large patch of sea grass up ahead. Not the safest place to hide, but what other option did they have? Adrenaline still coursing through their veins, they sprinted towards it...

...just as they felt a spear skim their arm. Or at least, it _looked_ like it skimmed their arm. A wicked electrical current passed through them for a split-second, making them drop to the ground.

"No... no!" shouted Frisk, their hands scrabbling at the wooden floor.

_* Get up, you idiot!_

_I'm trying!_ Frisk retorted. They were, they really were. After all, the tell-tale sound of energy spears being summoned is a great motivator. They got to the feet just in time for the spears to slam into the ground where they were lying a moment ago.

They hurried toward the grass, diving into it. They lay in wait, just praying that the person wouldn't find them.

The clanking of metal boots reverberated through the area, a sound that was still enough to raise the hairs on the back of Frisk's neck. They got closer and closer...

Then, the person plunged their hand into the grass. Frisk stuffed their sleeve into their mouth, silencing their gasp.

It was their lucky day, it seemed. The person had pulled out the monster kid. He was starry-eyed, face-to-face with his hero for the first time ever.

The person dropped the kid in disgust, stomping away. Frisk breathed a large sigh of relief.

Stepping out of the sea grass, they were once again halted by his voice. "Yo! Man, did you _see_ that? Undyne just... _touched_ me!"

Frisk suppressed a snort at his choice of words.

"I'm _never_ washing my face again!" he said excitedly. "Man, if only you were just standing a _little_ bit more to the left. I'm sure you'll get to see her soon enough!"

He rushed off, tripping over and face-planting into the dirt.

 _Well, so much for never washing it,_ thought Frisk.

He quickly recovered, flipping himself back onto his feet and hurrying off.

Frisk slumped to the floor, their body now noticing the pain. It didn't bother them that much; they had learned to resist, but they still looked to their shoulder, seeing the tear in their coat that was stained with blood. They removed it, looking at the place where the spear had made contact. It was bleeding; not profusely, but not lightly either.

They reached into their pockets, withdrawing the sticky gauze. They didn't trust what was on it, so they decided to use the other side instead. They pulled their shirt over their head and set to work with the dressings.

It was done and dusted in a few minutes. They slipped their shirt and coat back on, and got to their feet again.

_* I wasn't going to mention this, but that telescope you used earlier painted a ring around your eye._

Frisk reached a finger to their eye, rubbing it there for a moment, before withdrawing it. Some paint had gotten onto it.

 _That could only be... Sans,_ thought Frisk, groaning as they furiously rubbed at their eye. _Bastard._

The next room had a short-legged table with a slab of brightly-glowing pink cheese encased in a crystal on it. An Echo Flower sat next to it. A SAVE point was shimmering in the corner.

 _* Knowing that one day, the mouse might find a way to break the crystal and retrieve the cheese... It fills you with determination. HP fully restored.  
_ _* File saved._

Frisk cocked their head in the direction of the mouse hole near the cheese. _The Underground must've_ really _scrimped on running gag material._

They headed off, ignoring the Echo Flower's repeated chants of 'hello, hello'.

In the next room, they noticed Sans sitting next to a telescope and Dimensional Box. He was snoring theatrically, occasionally mumbling 'death to the infidels' to himself. Frisk tapped him on the shoulder, rousing him from sleep.

"oh. 'ey, hombre. say, is that a tutu you're wearin'?"

Frisk gave him a look that clearly said 'please don't ask'.

"ya look pretty worn out," he commented. "'dyne chasin' ya with spears does that. howsabout'cha try my premium telescope?"

"I think I've had enough of your telescopes for one day," Frisk replied, pointing to the flakes of dried paint around their eye.

Sans chuckled. "heh. ya got that right. although, i've heard glasses are in style, not monocles..."

Frisk rolled their eyes. "Oh, shut up. How's Papyrus?"

"he's fine," Sans replied. "'dyne's furious that he let a human escape, though."

"Is he gonna get fired?"

He shook his head. "nah. he's her friend." He pulled out a joint and lit it. "she practically turned the place upside down questionin' everyone." He smiled. "relax, nobody snitched. amazin' what a beer gets ya."

_Well, at least it was a sound investment._

"don't worry yourself, hombre," he said reassuringly. "i got your back."

They rolled their eyes. "Mm, doubt it."

Sans just shrugged.

Frisk headed through the wood-lined doorway next to him. The Nice Cream vendor had set up shop there. Some ancient glyphs had been covered with a list of twenty-one flavours.

"Oh, hey," said the vendor. "You're that kid from Blowdin, right?"

"Yeah," replied Frisk. "How are ya?"

He shrugged. "Good, I suppose. Your advice has been paying off. I stopped buying weed and smoking it—"

_That's a relief._

"—instead, I've been buying weed and making Nice Cream out of it. It's been a huge success! Everyone loves it!"

_I'm not really sure how to feel about that._

"I can see it now," said Frisk sarcastically, "Nice Cream: the frozen treat that lifts you off your feet."

"I know!" he marvelled. "Who knew such a stroke of genius would save my business? And I owe it all to you, kid. I'll never forget your words of wisdom."

"Really, I don't wanna be involved in such a business decision," answered Frisk.

The vendor just smiled fondly. "Tell you what, buddy. You can have some free Nice Cream right here, right now for all the help you've given me. Your choice of twenty-one flavours," he added joyfully.

Frisk was not about to refuse ice cream, especially _free_ ice cream. "If you've got chocolate, that'd be fine, thanks."

The vendor dug around in the chilled box, retrieving a bar of ice cream. It still had bits of ice on it.

"Here you go, one Nice Cream, on the house," he said.

"Thanks," said Frisk, putting it in their pocket. It'd be too cold to eat straight away. "I've got to run now. See ya later."

"O-oh, but... before you go, I have something for you," said the vendor. He plucked a small card from a box on the stand, handing it to Frisk. "It's a punch card. Y'know... tell your friends."

 _Should I tell him that's not what a punch card is?_ thought Frisk. _Nah. He'd probably keel over and die._

"Yeah, sure. Well, later," they said.

The vendor smiled and waved at them as they hurried off. Frisk took a quick glance at the card in their hand. The words 'please... please come back' had been scrawled on it in messy handwriting.

_Huh. Aren't these the ones that Toriel's ex keeps leaving in her mailbox?_

They carried on, taking the next doorway they saw. The room it lead to was breathtaking. The land was a scorched black, the water glowing light blue. Small particles of spent magic were rising out of the calm waters. This room just made them... so relaxed.

A monster was sitting off to the side, fretting about something. Frisk sidled up to them and asked what was wrong.

"Hi. I'm Loren. What is 'the water'?" the monster asked. "People move to Waterfall to find 'the fucking water'. Can you touch it? Can you eat it?"

Frisk burst out laughing. _So_ that's _why they call it Waterfall, huh?_

"Can you kill it?" Loren was wondering. "Are _you_ the water? Where can you find it?"

Frisk managed to stop laughing long enough to say, "Try looking in the sink."

Loren just looked confused as they walked away, chortling.

There were a few Echo Flowers in this room, although these were silent. More LED-lit signs adorned the walls, mostly talking about the first few weeks of the monsters' imprisonment. It stated that "Our first few weeks were hard. Barely anyone could believe that the surface had been taken away from us. For years we had lived peacefully alongside humans, yet now here we all were, trapped underground." Frisk sighed. Damned humanity. Making hardworking people like them pay for the sins of their fathers. Bullshit.

"It sure is."

Frisk snapped out of their mental wanderings, looking around for the source of the voice. They noticed someone across the room, sitting against a large rock. Their legs were dangling off the edge. They were watching the particles float away with a peaceful expression on their face.

Frisk cleared their throat, crossing the room. "Hey, you. Identify yourself."

The person tilted their head to the side. Now Frisk could see their face. Their skin was oddly translucent, their rosy cheeks directing them towards their piercing red eyes. They wore a loose green button-up shirt and brown shorts. Golden flower petals were scattered amongst their dishevelled brown hair. Their bare legs were covered by a pale brown stocking. They looked about Frisk's age as well.

"Greetings, Frisk," they said.

"How do you know my—" Frisk started, but the person raised a hand, silencing them.

"I've been by your side this entire journey," the person said. "You've been an... interesting partner so far."

"What are you even talking about?" asked Frisk.

"I'm the one narrating everything. Every battle, every item, every situation you've found yourself in. That voice you hear is me. Chara."

Frisk swallowed. That name sounded awfully familiar to them. "Wait, aren't you—"

Chara wasn't listening. They had gotten to their feet, their gaze fixated on Frisk. "You're looking good, partner. A little shaken up, but nonetheless good."

Heat crept up Frisk's neck. They weren't even sure if they _were_ flirting, yet it still embarrassed them.

_Karma really is a bitch, huh?_

"Okay, okay. So, you're a voice in my head that has a human appearance. This is perfectly normal," said Frisk.

"I _am_ a human, and yes, I can appear to you and only you," they answered.

"Why didn't you show yourself earlier?" asked Frisk.

"Because I didn't trust you."

"Why's that?"

"Do you honestly think you come off as trustworthy?"

"Okay, fair enough, I guess."

Frisk sat down, motioning for Chara to do the same. "Can I ask you a couple—"

"'May'," they corrected.

"Whatever. That gag sucked anyways," muttered Frisk. " _May_ I ask you some questions?"

"Not that you haven't already," Chara replied.

Frisk rolled their eyes. "So, uh... Are you a ghost?"

Chara smiled a little. "No. Less than that."

Frisk wasn't entirely sure they believed them, but continued. "Why are you here?"

"Are these questions you ask your Ouija board?" asked Chara, sounding amused.

Frisk laughed. "Alright, you got me there."

"I honestly don't know," they admitted. "When you fell into the Underground, you hit my grave. All I remember is... waking up, in a sense. The best explanation I can give is that some of my soul remained and became attached to yours."

"So, you're... _bound_ to me?"

"It certainly looks that way."

Frisk let this sink in.

"Toriel told me about you," they said. "When she was drunk, I mean."

"I know."

"About how you died."

"I know."

"And about how you once stabbed an octopus for some ecstasy."

"I know."

Frisk rolled their eyes. "I made that last one up! Are you even listening?"

Chara gave them a sour look. "Up until ten seconds ago. I don't understand you humans. Or do you all just discuss dead people with such casual contempt?"

"...yeah, okay, not my smartest move," admitted Frisk.

"Hmph," said Chara. "Whatever."

"One last question?"

"Go ahead."

Frisk hesitated. "How'd you wind up here?"

Chara sighed. "I suppose telling you wouldn't hurt. I climbed the mountain because I couldn't stand the thought of living amongst humans for another second. Falling down was merely an accident, though a happy one."

"What do you mean you couldn't stand living with humans?" asked Frisk curiously.

Chara seemed to lose their patience. "I hate humanity, alright?" they said, exasperated. "I don't need to explain myself."

"Alright, alright, sorry," said Frisk, holding up their hands in defeat. "I guess we should get going."

"By the way, there's something in that patch of grass," said Chara, cocking their head in the direction of said grass.

Frisk had a look, and emerged with a pair of ballet shoes in their hand. They were the same light blue as the tutu.

"Why the hell would I want _these_?" asked Frisk incredulously.

Chara cleared their throat. "Because they make your attacks more potent. They belonged to someone with style."

"Yeah, well... their 'style' is beyond garbage," said Frisk.

"You could sell them," Chara proposed.

Frisk didn't see the point in arguing. They had a point. They'd picked up items they hoped to sell before, so why should this be any different?

"Alright," they said, pocketing the shoes. "Let's get going."

They were crossing a bridge when their phone rang. Frisk picked up, fully aware who it was going to be.

"HELLO, HUMAN!" Papyrus shouted into the phone.

"Sheesh, I might as well put ya on speed-dial," said Frisk.

"YOU SHOULD!" agreed Papyrus. "ANYWAY, ABOUT THAT TIME I ASKED YOU WHAT YOU WERE WEARING... YOU MUST HAVE KNOWN WHY I ASKED, BUT YOU TOLD THE TRUTH ANYWAY. SO, I, THE GREAT AND EVER-SO-CUNNING PAPYRUS... DID THE OPPOSITE!" he said proudly. "I TOLD UNDYNE YOU _WEREN'T_ WEARING A POLKA-DOTTED SHIRT AND DUMB, GOOFY HAT!"

Frisk smacked themselves in the face. _God damn it, Papyrus._

"THERE IS NO NEED TO THANK ME, HUMAN!" he said. "I, THE GREAT AND SELFLESS PAPYRUS, JUST WANTED TO PROTECT YOU. BUT I ALSO DON'T WANT TO GET FIRED," he said, as if as an afterthought.

"Hey, Papyrus. You still using?"

"HEAVENS NO!" he replied. "YOU BURNT MY WHOLE STASH ANYWAY. SO, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO BE EXTRA-HELPFUL FOR UNDYNE. TO TRY AND GET MY MIND OFF IT."

"That's good," said Frisk. "It's only been a couple of hours, but you're doing good."

"THANK YOU, HUMAN," he sniffled. "YOU'VE BEEN SO GOOD TO ME."

Frisk rolled their eyes. "Yeah, okay. Just don't start cryin' on me, alright?"

"YES," he agreed. "I HAVE TO STAY STRONG. THANK YOU FOR YOUR WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT, HUMAN! AND... PLEASE BE SAFE," he added.

"I-I will," Frisk answered. "Thanks, Papyrus."

He hung up the phone. Frisk sighed, putting theirs back in their pocket.

The next room seemed to consist of a right turn, and then a long pathway. It was surrounded by water. Frisk felt a little jumpy. They had a feeling Undyne was going to leap out of the water and chase them down the path at any moment. But nothing happened.

After a bit of walking in silence, the two were disturbed by something rising out of the water. It was a huge monster that closely resembled an onion with tentacles.

"Hiya!" he said brightly. "I'm Onionsan! Y'hear?"

Frisk was _extremely_ bothered by his presence, and started to walk much more quickly. Onionsan followed.

"Y'know, Waterfall is my Big Favourite!" he said brightly. "Although, the water has been getting much more shallow as of late," he added.

Frisk tried to block it out by initiating a conversation with Chara, but they had vanished.

 _Where the hell did you go?_ they asked. No response was forthcoming.

_Great._

"All my friends live in an aquarium in the city. I can't join 'em, because, y'know, it's full," said Onionsan sadly. "But! It's okay though! Undyne will fix everything! Then, maybe, I'll be able to live in the ocean."

_Sure ya will._

"I-I guess this is where you leave," said Onionsan. "B-but, while you're here! I've been thinkin' of starting a band. It's called 'the Red Hot Chibi Peppers'. D'ya think we'll be popular?" he asked eagerly.

 _* What will you say?  
_ _Yeah | **Nah**_

"What is that, the name of some hipster band? Hell no."

Onionsan looked horrified. He slowly sank back down into the water, not rising again. _Good riddance._

Chara was waiting for them in the next room. "Hey, thanks a lot, partner," said Frisk irritably. "I had my ears talked off by that Onionsan creep and you didn't even say a word to me."

Chara rolled their eyes. "I'm not obligated to speak to you."

"Yeah, you aren't. But neither are all the other monsters that waste my time with meaningless monologues," replied Frisk.

A small pool of water lay before them. They could turn head north, or just keep going. While they were debating with themselves on what to do, they were pulled into a battle.

"Could you just _ask_ next time?" Frisk groaned.

A fish-like monster had jumped out of the water. It appeared to be hiding its face.

_* Shyren hides in the corner but somehow encounters you anyway._

_* FIGHT | **ACT** | ITEM | MERCY_

_* **Check** | Smile | Hum | Conduct_

_* SHYREN - 19 ATK 0 DEF  
* Tone deaf. Too ashamed to sing anything she's written._

"...toot..." she mumbled.

A barrage of musical notes floated towards Frisk. They sidestepped them, not surprised when she didn't send more.

_* Smells like a lack of Stans._

_* FIGHT | **ACT** | ITEM | MERCY_

_* You know, maybe,_ said Chara, _you should try singing with her._

 _How is that going to be of any help?_ asked Frisk.

_* Do you have a better idea?_

_Good point._

_* Check | Smile | **Hum** | Conduct_

_* You hum a jazz ballad. Shyren follows your melody._

"Si re, si re si mi si mi."

Musical notes bounced towards Frisk. They noticed that they were in tune with the rhythm. They kept their ears on the song, moving in tandem with Shyren's humming.

_* Shyren taps a little beat with her fins._

_* Check | Smile | **Hum** | Conduct_

_* You hum some more. Monsters are drawn to the music. Suddenly, it's a concert..._

And so it was. People were crowding around the pool, watching Shyren and Frisk humming. Over there, an Aaron and Snowdrake. And then, at the front, a weird monster that looked like a squashed cake with tentacle-like legs. He was holding up a phone and filming Shyren, smacking it with his other hand, as if trying to beat some signal into it.

"Si Fa Si Fa So Fa So Mi Re Re," Shyren sang.

More musical notes were coming towards them. They kept up the rhythm, not straying from their desired course once.

_* Sans is selling tickets made of toilet paper._

_Wait, seriously?_ asked Frisk, looking around the room. Sure enough, Sans had set up a small stand in record-breaking time and was flogging tickets for twenty gold a pop. And would sir like some weed with his purchase? It's only fifty gold, and it's very fresh.

Shyren turned... or appeared to turn. Her head didn't appear to be attached to her body. Short, blue-tinged locks of hair hid one of her eyes. Her lips were curled into a smile.

_* Check | Smile | **Hum** | Conduct_

_* You hum some more. The seats are sold out. You feel like a rock star._

"Mi So Mi So Mi Si Mi La Si So."

The notes were swirling in an elegant spiral pattern. Frisk just followed the music. It felt almost natural to keep it up until the song was over... speaking of which, when _did_ the song end?

_* You hum some more. But the constant attention... the tours... the groupies... It's all..._

Shyren's voice rose up, the music following her. She diverted the notes away from Frisk, for they were coming so aggressively nobody could ever hope to keep up.

_* Shyren thinks about her future._

_* Check | Smile | **Hum** | Conduct_

_* You and Shyren have come so far, but it's time. You both have your own journeys to embark on. You hum a farewell song._

Shyren gave one last final toot, drawing it out for as long as she could. Then, the song was over.

The monsters all cheered. Sans shot a smile at Frisk, winking as he cleared everyone out. "alright kids, fun's over. thanks for comin' out."

Shyren nodded at Frisk, as if to say 'thank you'. Frisk nodded back. _You're welcome._

"'ey, hombre," greeted Sans, slapping Frisk on the back. "some show, huh? i even managed to pull about a hundred an' ninety G. i'll finally be able to buy that rasta hat i always wanted," he added dreamily.

Frisk gave him a death glare. "I think we're entitled to a cut of the earnings because _we_ performed," they pointed out.

Shyren nodded in agreement. Sans looked like he wanted to protest, but gave in, albeit with bad grace, slamming fifty gold into Frisk's hand, and tossing another fifty onto the ground by the pool.

"d'ya reckon you'll do another show?" asked Sans eagerly. "think about all the cash you could earn!"

Frisk shook their head. "I'm no James Hetfield," they answered, with a sigh. "Just another one-hit wonder."

Sans turned to Shyren. "what about you, shyren?"

She shook her head. Sans shoved his hands into his pockets, mumbling, "tch. opportunity of a lifetime and they throw it away..." as he left.

"Forget him," said Frisk. "He's usually like this."

Shyren nodded. "I understand." Her voice still delicate and ethereal.

"Well, see ya later," said Frisk. "Cool jamming with you, or whatever."

"It was... 'cool jamming with you' too, human child."

They pressed on, entering a small room with a statue of a monster. Rain was falling on it through a hole in the roof. Its face was barely recognisable since it hadn't been sculpted very well.

Staring at it, Frisk felt odd. They couldn't explain why for a few moments until they finally noticed the odd sound coming from the statue. They couldn't hear it too well over the pouring rain though. So, they went to the next room, took an umbrella from the bucket, went back and placed it over the statue's head. It wasn't great, but they could now hear that it was a song, probably from a music box hidden inside the statue.

Chara watched the statue in silence, face paling.

Frisk looked at them curiously. "Uh... you okay?"

They shook their head. "I'm fine. That song just... has a lot of sentimental value to me."

Frisk nodded, backtracking to the previous room. There was still one last room they hadn't checked.

They entered the north room, finding that it held just a piano. Sheet music was carved into the rock above it. The sign on the other side of the room read: _A haunting melody echoes through the room... Won't you play along? Only the first eight are fine._

Frisk listened, hearing the soft, tinkling tune echoing faintly from the statue down the hall.

They weren't too good with sheet music. They'd only ever screwed around with the piano, never learned it. So, the music on the wall wasn't making much sense to them.

"Having trouble?"

Frisk flinched at the sudden voice. "Oh. Yeah, I am."

"Do you know how to read sheet music?" said Chara, floating over to the wall.

"No."

"Thought not," they answered smugly. "This is obviously some kind of puzzle. So, there's two ways we can go about this."

"What are they?"

"One, I teach you how to read it. Two..." they paused. "Two is honestly a choice I am not sure exists. If I'm a part of your soul, then I imagine we could potentially share control of your body. Going with this, I could play the melody for you and solve the puzzle."

"Wait, you can read it?"

Chara scoffed. "Obviously."

"To be honest, I... I don't really know," Frisk answered. "What do you mean 'give me control'?"

"You let me take control of your body. You will be reduced to my form until I relinquish control. Sound acceptable to you?"

"So, I'll be kicked out of my own _body_?" asked Frisk incredulously.

"If that's how you want to phrase it, yes," said Chara. "It's up to you. But, be quick about it. We mustn't dawdle. This might not work, remember."

Frisk knew the keys on a piano, but not how to read sheet music. Chara did, so it _should_ be over and done with quickly. But, Frisk was new to all this. The notion of entrusting their body to someone they'd just met was a bit much. But... they really weren't in the mood to learn piano while Undyne was on the hunt for them.

"I... ah, alright," Frisk conceded. "Just, uh, don't do dumb shit with it. And you will respect the coolness factor of my body."

Chara rolled their eyes. "Sure. Whatever."

"So... what do I do?"

"Just relax," said Chara, sounding unsure. "I need to figure this out."

"That's really good advice," said Frisk sarcastically. "Try to relax when someone's hunting me down." But either way, they sat down, back against the wall. They took a breath, and let it out slowly through their nostrils.

"Alright, that's good," Chara assured them. "Just don't move."

Frisk smirked. "What is this, some kind of—"

They were cut short by a sickening twist in their soul. Then, they were floating, looking down at their limp body, which had slumped to the floor. It was _really_ creepy.

"Chara, are you still there?" asked Frisk, sounding slightly panicked.

Frisk's eyes closed, then opened again. The eyes had turned red.

"I'm here," Chara answered. "I... cannot believe that actually worked." They began shakily getting to their feet. Almost immediately, they fell to their knees, catching themselves just in time.

"You sure you know what you're doing?" asked Frisk, amused.

"I haven't been corporeal for a long time," Chara replied. "Cut me some slack."

Frisk watched on in silence as Chara dragged themselves to their feet, using the piano as support. They wiggled their fingers, stretching their arm as they did so.

"Alright," said Chara, cracking their knuckles. "I'm all out of practice, so I may be a little rusty." They reached out to the piano, before stopping halfway. Then, they dropped to their coat pocket, retrieving the bar of Nice Cream.

"What are you doing?" asked Frisk.

"Eating," answered Chara, unwrapping it.

"Hey, hey, hold up there," Frisk protested. "That's mine, paid for with absolutely nothing."

"You wouldn't understand," said Chara, taking a bite of the Nice Cream. "You haven't been dead for... I don't know how long. You can still enjoy the taste of chocolate."

Frisk groaned. "Fine. Way to guilt-trip me, jerk."

After finishing their guilty pleasure, they began trying to place the melody. They tapped the keys one by one, a gentle sound reverberating through the area. Chara tutted.

"Out of tune." Eyes flickering back and forth from the sheet music and the keys, they played through it, but at a very inconsistent pace. Frisk could only assume they were testing it.

As it ground to its conclusion, they noticed a small smile on Chara's face. They played it again, this time sounding much better.

A clacking noise filled the room. An arched doorway had appeared in the wall opposite the entry.

"That was pretty good," said Frisk.

"It was a basic melody, nothing impressive," said Chara. They sat down, adding, "Alright, return to your body."

"Do I just... dive in or something?" asked Frisk.

"Oh, I didn't tell you how I got in," said Chara. "Focus on your soul and pull yourself towards it. It shouldn't be too difficult."

Frisk did what Chara told them. It took a minute or two to get it right, but when they did, they were back in control of their body.

"Thanks again," said Frisk, getting to their feet... and dropping to the ground as well. "What the hell?"

"Sea-legs," said Chara, smirking. "You aren't used to this."

Frisk scowled, propping themselves up on the piano. They took a few jerky steps toward the doorway.

The room they ended up in was a simple room with a glowing red ball on a marble pedestal. A sign behind it simply read _Legendary Artifact._

"Well, I'm swiping this," said Frisk, taking the artifact off the pedestal. Chara stopped them.

"Don't look now, you're carrying a dog."

Frisk quirked their brow. "What are you even saying?"

"Check your pockets..."

In one of their coat's pockets, they found a small, white dog curled up, fast asleep.

 _How the fuck did_ that _get here?_ Frisk wondered. They took it out of their pocket, tossing it on the ground before them.

"You deployed the dog.".

"What?"

Their question was soon answered. The dog, now wide awake, rushed towards the artifact, which seemed to phase right into their fur.

"The dog absorbed the artifact," said Chara, staring at the whole mess with wide eyes.

The dog then floated right through the walls, vanishing.

Frisk, who had just finished watching this display of insanity, checked their pockets for dogs once again. When they found none, they turned and left quickly.

When they got out, they turned to Chara and said, dead serious, "Let's never talk about this ever again."

"Deal."

The two returned to the room with the umbrellas, Frisk taking another and putting it up. They offered it to Chara, but they refused. "Why would an incorporeal ghost of a human need an umbrella?"

As they passed the monster kid, they dropped their gaze to the floor, trying to hide their face in the neck of their coat. It was no good.

"Yo!" he greeted enthusiastically. "You've got an umbrella? Cool! Mind if I tag along?"

"Yes, actually," said Frisk through gritted teeth. Unfortunately, this kid did not understand the reverse meaning of 'yes' in this situation, because he laughed and nodded, saying "Alright, let's go!"

_I— Jesus Christ, whatever._

Since they couldn't ditch him, Frisk made sure to keep the umbrella as close to themselves as they could. This didn't deter the kid, who just kept on trailing in their wake, talking their ear off.

"Man, Undyne is SO cool, isn't she? She beats up bad guys ALL the time!" he was saying. "If I was a human, I'd wet the bed every night..." he trailed off, giving a chuckle. "Knowing she was gonna beat me up!" he finished. "Ha ha!"

The rain was pouring more heavily now. The kid was soaked from head to toe, but he didn't seem to notice.

They passed an Echo Flower and a few water sausage plants, as the kid started talking again. "So, one time, we had a school project where we had to take care of a flower..." he said. "The king — they made us call him 'Mr. Dreemurr' — volunteered to give his own flowers."

 _Well, isn't that nice?_ thought Frisk sarcastically. _When he isn't taking souls, he's donating flowers to schoolchildren. How sweet._

"He ended up coming to our school and teaching us about responsibility and stuff," the kid said. "And that got me thinking..." A grin spread across his face. "Yo! Wouldn't it be AWESOME if Undyne came to school?"

"No. No it wouldn't."

"And what if she beat up the teachers?" he asked, enraptured by the very thought of it.

"Sounds like something she'd do."

They kept walking for a while.

"Well, um... maybe she wouldn't beat up the teachers," he admitted. "She's too cool to ever hurt an innocent person!"

Frisk was very close to turning around and telling him that Undyne was hunting them down, and that actually, she _would_ hurt an innocent person. But, they pressed on, trying to block out the kid's incessant warbling by starting a conversation with Chara.

_So... what do you know about the king?_

_* If you really must know, a lot. I know his favourite food, his favourite type of tea, and that he what you make him out to be. He is taking souls for the good of monsterkind. Though, I honestly cannot see_ him _of all people doing it..._

_So... favourite food?_

_* Butterscotch-cinnamon pie,_ Chara answered with absolutely no hesitation.

_What, that fake butterscotch-cinnamon pie that Toriel served me?_

_* No. When she isn't drunk, she's the best cook I've ever known._

Frisk wanted to press Chara for details on their relationship with Toriel and the king, but they decided against it.

Now Frisk and the kid had exited the cave and were treated to the sight of hundreds of glittering gemstones in the ceiling far above, acting as faux stars. There was an old, decrepit set of blue towers and buildings off in the distance, flanked by the 'stars' to create an admittedly pretty sight.

They entered another part of the cave. A bucket for the umbrellas sat before them. Frisk returned the umbrella, the kid running ahead. A tall ledge stood before them.

"Yo, this ledge is WAY too steep," said the kid.

"I'll just climb up," said Frisk.

"Hmm..." said the kid, clearly not listening. "Hmm..." Then, he got an idea. "Yo! You want to see Undyne, right?"

"Not if I have to," said Frisk.

"Climb on my shoulders!" the kid offered, bending down a little.

"No, seriously, it's fine, I'll just climb up," said Frisk, taking a few steps back. After all, they'd need some run-up to get up there.

"C'mon!" he said. "It'll be _fine_!"

"No, I ain't using you," said Frisk. "I can get up there myself." And to prove it, they did. They ran towards the ledge, jumping up and grabbing onto it. They used their shoulders to steady themselves before climbing. They got to their feet, smirking down at the kid, who was starry-eyed with admiration.

"Whoa! That was COOL!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," muttered Frisk. "I hope to not run into you ever again."

"Don't worry about me!" he called over their shoulder. "I always find a way through."

Frisk rolled their eyes as they started walking again. _Hope not._

As they walked, they noticed more signs lining the walls. They talked of how the humans, afraid of the monsters' power, attacked without mercy. Frisk heard Chara mutter "Idiots." under their breath.

A SAVE point was glittering in front of them. They reached out to it, warmth spreading from their fingertips to the rest of their body.

 _* The sound of the wind echoing in your ears fills you with determination. HP fully restored.  
_ _* File saved._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your patience. Chapter 6, Part 1 of Waterfall is complete!
> 
> Now time for the Obligatory Facts About This Chapter Segment!
> 
> 1\. The nicotine stains on the tutu are a reference to the Simpsons episode "Smoke on the Daughter", where Lisa takes ballet classes and finds that the dancers use a smoke break to calm their nerves. Seemed like a reference just waiting to happen.
> 
> 2\. Loren's talk of "the water" is a reference to GTA: San Andreas, where Ryder is chasing "the water" (his slang for PCP, which is, of course, a drug).
> 
> 3\. Yes indeed. That's Chara alright. I personally support the Narrator!Chara theory, because the evidence seems pretty compelling to me. That's why I wanted them to be more important in the story then just a narrator. I wanted them to also be Frisk's source of comfort when they're being hunted down. Even Frisk needs someone to lean on every so often.
> 
> 4\. Oh yes, the ecstasy and octopus thing. Well, that was based off a report I saw that scientists were microdosing particularly shy octopuses with ecstasy, resulting in much more outgoing personalities in the dosed subjects.
> 
> 5\. "Falling down was merely an accident, though a happy one." is a reference to Bob Ross.
> 
> 6\. "Their 'style' is beyond garbage." is a reference to Styles of Beyond.
> 
> Well, I think that's all. Thanks for reading. I'd love to hear your thoughts, criticism, etc., so go ahead! Tell me what you thought I could do better and so on. It really helps me out.
> 
> I shot the sheriff, but I didn't take his yellow soul,  
> \- offbrandbiscuit


	7. 07: Drugs, Drugs! DRUGS!

_The surface had been stolen away from us. We were trapped. Only the power of seven human_ _soul_ _s could shatter the barrier and free monsterkind._

"Ah, yes, because the surface always belonged to monsters. We took it from them like a pack of greedy bastards, yes, we did," said Frisk, pulling another sarcastic grin at the LED-lit plaque.

"The monsters had just as much right to the surface as humanity," said Chara.

"Where did I say they didn't?" Frisk replied, still wearing that grin.

"Keep that up and it'll stick like that," said Chara dryly. "Though it would certainly liven up your awful complexion."

"Hey, the only vitamin D I need is determination," quipped Frisk.

Chara rolled their eyes. "Hilarious."

"Seriously, I _do_ wanna know... what brought us to this? Sealing these weirdos in a big-ass cave?" they asked, hands in their pockets as they strolled down the lonely, cliffside path, wind battering them every chance it had.

"I have tried again and again to understand such things," Chara replied, "and come up as empty as you are."

"Maybe it had to do with the fact they could, oh, I dunno, _take souls_?" said Frisk. "Did'ja ever consider that? That maybe they did something to _deserve_ being stuck down here?"

Chara scoffed. "You really don't get it, do you?" they asked coldly. "Both sides can take souls. The difference is _we're_ stronger than them. If we're dead-set on killing a monster, it doesn't matter how weak we are. We will crush them, even in a single blow." They looked at Frisk, a faint disgust in their eyes. "Monsters are emotionally-driven creatures. A monster with no intent to harm is weak and vulnerable to a fatal strike." They gave an incredulous chuckle. "You really have _no idea_."

"Well, thanks for the lesson then, Professor," said Frisk. "Last I checked, being weak doesn't excuse taking somebody's soul."

"You don't even know that they did," they sneered.

"You don't even know that they didn't," Frisk retorted. And that was enough to shut them down. It was a weak blow, and Frisk would readily admit it. But it was also a convenient and technically correct comeback. There was nothing against either claim.

They passed a small clump of Echo Flowers, all of them chattering about what they bought at the store yesterday, who they just bumped into, a funny-looking tea-cup that resembled themselves and so on, until it all just faded into a haze of white noise. Their legs dragged them further into Waterfall, closer to their end: the king and the Barrier.

What were the odds of them even getting there? They didn't doubt the king was a 'big fuzzy pushover' as Papyrus claimed, but they could care less his personal feelings. The fact was they had a duty to their people to make good on their promises. He was going to take their soul whether he liked it or not.

"You look tired," said Chara, now facing them, floating backwards. "If you don't rest soon, you're going to drop like a stone. Onto a spear, likely."

"Well yeah, I'm tired. Nobody's denying it," said Frisk. "But what choice do I have? If I stop, _she'll_ show up and her spear will end up in the same place."

They continued past more signs and Echo Flowers, taking a right turn at the end of the hallway. It lead them to a complex, maze-like connection of wooden bridges, railings not included. Though they tried not to look down, they were aware of the formidable black abyss below. It really gave the impression that if you fell, you'd fall, and keep falling forever until you died of something completely unrelated. Not that the bridges didn't look sturdy; they _did_ , but the ambiguous height they were suspended from was enough to make them nervous.

They shook their head and just walked, gaze fixed directly in front of them, trying not to let their nerves get the better of them. Their heart beat in time to the rhythm of their boots against the wooden surface of the bridge. Sweat trickled down their face despite the cool air blowing forcefully against them.

They were anticipating something bad, and they got it. In an instant, the low hum of a group of energy spears pierced the air. The spears jetted up from the bridge, each ripping a huge hole at the site of impact. They spied, close by, a figure clad in a suit of armour, wielding a bright-blue spear. Undyne.

Frisk would've liked her to monologue, quote some edgy one-liner, or just give her best death scream, but she remained eerily silent as she refocused the spears' positions to where they were standing.

"Run!"

They obeyed, a rush of adrenaline fuelling their movements; the moment before Undyne's spears shot up from below, all the kinetic energy physically possible burst out of them, kicking off the ground with such force they'd have beaten even a Bugatti to the quarter mile marker.

A cluster of bright blue glowing spots appeared up ahead. This was how they were all arranged from here on out. They sidestepped the spears swiftly, their eyes glancing around wildly at the complex network of bridges. They turned at random points, splitting off without reason at others. There was an equally complex network below them where Undyne was still antagonising them with her spears. They shut this thought away, trying to focus on the twisting bridge system and where they were supposed to go.

"Don't worry about that. I'll navigate."

Frisk just kept running. Spears stabbed up from below, their magical aura crackling in the air. They jumped to the side, worming their way through gaps in between the spears, trying to keep up their speed. If they even made so much as a _single_ mistake, Undyne would use that to her advantage. She already had the geographical knowledge of Waterfall on her side; her surprise attacks were proof of this. They wouldn't give her anything else to work with.

"Go left here!"

They did so, cutting the corner so the spears set up missed them. Undyne didn't slow down, spawning spear after spear after spear. She clearly wasn't going to stop until they wound up impaled.

"Turn right, then go left!"

At this rate, Frisk was sure their heart was going to explode.

"Left twice, then right! Then a left, then a right!"

Frisk tried their best to keep up with the erratic flow of directions. They turned left, narrowly missing some spears that shot up from below. The left was more like a U-turn, but it _w_ _as_ _l_ eft. Instead of letting Undyne trick them like they suspected she would, they instead skipped the U-turn, jumping down. It wasn't that far, and they were able to quickly recover. A few random paths split off. There were _t_ _hree_ rights.

Which one? Which right?

"Damn it," Chara swore. "Second."

 _I hope you're right_ _._ _They_ ran past the first, then swerved to the right. There was a sharp bend in the path up ahead. Spears jetted up at awkward angles. Frisk slowed for a second, fear pulsating within them as they did. _No! I can't slow down, o_ _r_ _she'll—_

They didn't think about it any further, looking for the safest pair to jump over. There was a gap in between some on the left that looked like their best choice, but it also looked too big for them to get through without severing some, ah, vital organs.

But what other choice did they have? Frisk just prayed that they'd survive with their body in one piece and nothing missing, then jumped through out. The right side of their trousers caught on the spear's tip, tearing quickly. Later, Frisk would find that the tutu had also been torn, which they didn't mind one bit. They kept running, taking the next left, then the first right as Chara commanded.

"Now, take the second left, then the last right. After that, go straight and don't stop."

"You're gonna be so surprised when I get outta here," they gasped out, making a feint towards the first left. She fell for it, throwing up a circle of spears. Frisk cut the corner of the second left, running towards the long walkway. "Gonna be so fuckin' surprised when I get outta here alive." They ran down the whole thing, dodging spears left and right. They took the last right, leading them to a huge, square platform. This had to be the end.

Undyne's spears grew ever more ferocious. Half a circle of spears stabbed up in front of them. They spun around it, their side _just_ _g_ razing the tip of the spears.

There it was. The end. Undyne then threw what could only be described as a Mexican armada of spears at them. They ran in a zigzag pattern, trying to confuse her. She caught on quickly, and threw a larger spear at where they were running towards. They jumped away from it, deciding to just run straight ahead. This worked, but only because they were incredibly close.

They were practically drowning in adrenaline and relief. "YES! I did it! Fuck you! Go to hell, Fishcake! I lived!"

Unfortunately, this didn't last long because they realised the bridge stopped all of a sudden. They skidded to a halt. _Fuck._ _W_ _hat now? Where do I go?_

They turned around and began to run back, wondering if they'd missed something. They didn't get more than two steps before stopping. Undyne stood a short distance away. Her figure was even more menacing up close. She was a fair bit taller than them, but not enough that they felt dwarfed.

"Oh, you've gotta be fucking..." they whispered. They took a hasty step back, despite knowing they were stuck between death by spear or death by fall. "Fuck."

They swallowed their fear momentarily, stammering out a, "H-hey! Wh-what's up, Doc?"

Spears flew up from underneath the bridge. Only they weren't aiming for Frisk. They were more in between the two of them. They sliced the bridge section Frisk was standing on clean off.

 _Guess she_ _'s not a Loony Tunes fan,_ they thought, as they plummeted deep into darkness.

* * *

_"Huh? It sounded like it came from over here... oh, you've fallen down, haven't you? Here, let me help you up. My name's Asriel. What's yours?"_

* * *

"Hey! Come on, wake up, you idiot!"

"H-huh? What?"

Frisk's eyes snapped open, glancing around. Chara was floating in front of them, giving them a harassed, irritated look. "Took you long enough."

"Forgive me for falling an indiscernible height into this..." they paused, taking in their surroundings. A small waterfall rushing down close by, sand-like ground, and towering piles of trash bags all around them. " _Place._ "

They noticed their fall had been broken by golden flowers again. Though how the bridge piece had smashed into a million pieces, while their bones were intact was beyond them.

"Hey, Chara... I just had the weirdest shit happen," they said, pulling themselves to their feet. "I heard some kid, talking. He said his name was _Asriel._ "

Chara froze in mid-air, staring back at them. "Don't tell me. He was helping you up after a fall, wasn't he?"

"Yeah, he was actually," said Frisk. "How'd you know?"

"That's what he said to me," they explained, "when I first fell down. He found me, told me his name and then asked mine." They sighed, running their hands through their hair slowly. "I think my memories somehow leaked into yours. That's the only explanation I have."

"Huh..." Chara must've been right. They really _were_ bound to each other. This felt way too anime-esque for Frisk's liking.

"So, uh... know what this place is?" they asked.

"The monsters called this the Garbage Dump," said Chara. "Their only exposure to surface culture came from here. Where humans saw garbage to discard, monsters saw an opportunity to study the inner machinations of humanity."

"Huh, I thought it'd be an actual garbage dump," they said.

"There is one in Hotland. An incinerator, to be exact."

"Don't you mean Potland?" asked Frisk, an eyebrow raised. "At least, that's what Papyrus called it."

Chara ignored them, lost in their own mental monologue. "Dr. Alphys... if _they're_ the Royal Scientist now, what happened to _him_...? How long has it _been_?"

"It's 2017, if that helps," said Frisk.

Chara looked genuinely unnerved. "I have been dead two years."

"Sheesh, sorry I said anything," said Frisk sarcastically, beginning to walk through the dump.

There sure was a lot of trash; most of it tossed carelessly onto the ground. The rubbish piles were a sort of... mishmash of trash. Electronic waste, old car parts, recyclable waste, and even a flyer for one of Mettaton's shows.

"Do you reckon there's anything good in there?" asked Frisk.

"Are you _really_ asking me if there's anything good in a pile of _garbage_?"

Frisk rolled their eyes. "Whatever, then." They turned left, spotting many more piles of garbage to the left and right. There was also a freezer where they found some off-brand chocolate bar called a 'Cosmic Path'.

Frisk snorted and tossed the cheap knock-off back whence it came. As they continued, they noticed a DVD case covered in claw marks. For a split-second, they wondered if this had been Undyne's doing, but they quickly shook that thought away as absurd. What would a human-hungry warrior want with some cute, cat-girl anime DVD?

They shrugged it off and continued down the path. They saw light up ahead, meaning the exit was hopefully not too far away. Then, they noticed a training dummy very similar in appearance to the one from the Ruins to their right.

"It's a training dummy. Give in to your primal urges and hit it?"

"Eh, why not? After all, 'it issss only a dummyyyy'," said Frisk, badly mimicking Toriel's drunken slurring.

Frisk halfheartedly swung at the dummy. The dummy just sat there, motionless and, for all Frisk knew, _e_ motionless too. Frisk just shrugged and kept walking. They'd seen enough here.

There was a _clank_ from behind them. They spun around. The dummy sat there, in a completely different place than it had been. A look of rage was painted on its face.

"Goddamn it, where are the dramatic stings when you need one?" said Frisk.

It descended into the ground and, much like Flowey, emerged some distance behind them.

"Feeble. Feeble! FEEBLE!" it shouted, in a loud, bossy voice. It sounded a bit like Papyrus, but a whole lot angrier. "You really thought YOU could hurt ME? I'm incorporeal, you idiot!"

"Then how'd I hit you, smart gu—?"

"QUIET!" it roared. "As I was saying, my cousin lives inside a dummy too. But when you met him... you!" it gave an incredulous snort. "He's never _met_ anyone as awful as you! The things you said when you met him..." It shuddered. "Cruel. Disgusting. Desp _icable!_ How boring do you have to be to have to say such trash?"

"He must've been real sensitive," said Frisk.

"Rude people are a hex to be cast into the abyss. But boring people are crumbs stuck to the face of this world! I'LL WIPE YOU AWAY WITH THE NEAT, EMBROIDERED HANDKERCHIEF OF REVENGE!"

"Neat analogy," said Frisk, as their confrontation truly began. The dummy had begun bouncing erratically in the air.

"Mad Dummy blocks the way!"

_*_ **_Check_ ** _| Talk_

_* MAD DUMMY - ATK 30 DEF YES  
* Because they're a ghost, physical attacks will fail._

"COME ON!" it shrieked. "ARE YOU GOING TO DO ANYTHING OTHER THAN STAND THERE?"

"Alright, alright. You asked for it," said Frisk, rolling their eyes. They ran towards the dummy and, using a wooden table that had been tossed nearby, they jumped up to his level and kicked it hard. It yelled, falling into three pieces. Frisk knew it was pointless, but at least it would satisfy whatever lived inside it. The dummy reassembled itself.

"Foolish. Foolish! FOOLISH!" it cackled. "Like I said before, I'm incorporeal! You couldn't hurt me if you _tried,_ dummy!" Then, to itself: "Wait a minute, is dummy a compliment?"

_* Check |_ **_Talk_ **

"You talk to the dummy... it doesn't seem much for conversation. No-one is happy about this."

Frisk snickered. Mad Dummy noticed and obviously thought they were laughing at it, because it began attacking. Smaller dummies appeared, firing weird scribble-like bullets at Frisk. They stepped out of the way quickly. One of the bullets clipped the dummy's torso, causing it to contort violently.

"You DUMMIES!" it shouted. "Watch where you're aiming your magic attacks!" It glanced at Frisk, who looked back quizzically. "You. Forget I said anything about magic!"

"The damage is already done."

Frisk pondered for a moment on what to do. Physical attacks were out of the question. But it looked like it actually hurt the dummy. So, they just had to confuse the mini-dummies and then they'd be able to damage it. Simple enough.

They picked up a rock and hurled it at the dummy. It back-flipped in the air, but didn't fall to pieces. Clearing its throat, it began to monologue. "I'll defeat you and take your soul!"

The dummies materialised, firing bullets at Frisk. Really, all they had to do was just step out of the way. The bullets only went straight-on in whatever direction they had been fired in. So, at this point, they were just taking a few steps every now and then, watching as the bullets slammed into the pissed-off dummy.

"I'll use your soul to cross the Barrier!" it said ambitiously. "I'll be the best drug smuggler the world has ever seen! THEN EVERYTHING WILL BE MINE!"

The dummies were being worked like employees in a sweatshop. Not once did the Mad Dummy stop to let them have a break. It just kept shouting at them to "keep firing", although the dummies didn't seem to be trying as hard as they could have.

"Mad Dummy is hopping mad," Chara observed.

"What about the cousin you were white-knighting for just a minute ago?" asked Frisk.

"Huh?" it asked. "Yeah, I guess _then_ I'll avenge him."

The dummies began firing again, encircling Frisk.

"What was their name again?" It wondered. Its face screwed up, as though it were trying to remember. "Whatever. Whatever! WHATEVER!"

The bullets hit again. "Stupid. Stupid! STUPID!"

At that point, the dummy had clearly had enough of this. "HEY GUYS!" it shouted. The dummies all appeared. A titter of "yes, boss?" rang out amongst them. "Dummies. Dummies! DUMMIES! Remember when I said NOT to shoot at me?" it asked, sneering.

"Yes, boss," the dummies replied.

"Well... FAILURES!" it shrieked. "YOU'RE ALL FIRED! YOU'RE BEING REPLACED!"

Mad Dummy dismissed the dummies, then turned back to Frisk with a malevolent grin. "Hahaha. Hahaha! HAHAHA! Now you'll see my true power..."

_Which is...?_

"Relying on people who aren't garbage!"

"Mechanical whirrs fill the room."

Small, robotic mini-dummies appeared beside Mad Dummy, who cackled loudly at their arrival. "DUMMY BOTS! MAGIC MISSILE!"

_What is this, an anime?_

The dummy bots' chests opened, and rockets popped out. They all shot towards Frisk, who was standing in the midst of it all. They stepped out of the way, but didn't expect the rockets to chase them. They moved out of the way, allowing them to follow them, making sure that the dummy got a face full of them.

 _That thing really_ _was_ hopping mad. It gnashed his teeth, furiously shouting, "DUMMY BOTS! TRY AGAIN!"

They dutifully did so, but at this point, Frisk had gotten the gist of what they had to do now. The rockets hit Mad Dummy in the face again.

"DUMMY BOTS! You're awful?" it suggested. And then...

"DUMMY BOTS!" it shrieked, striking an exaggerated, unnecessarily convoluted pose. "FINAL ATTACK!"

Some of the dummies turned red and shot towards Frisk, not following them. The dummy tried to surprise them with more rockets. They stepped out of the way, before being encircled again. The rockets all fired at once. Frisk waited until they got close, then bounded out of the way, directing them into the dummy. It was pissed all right, but undeterred. It was throwing so many dummies at them that Frisk was surprised that it wasn't collapsing from exhaustion. Surely prolonged usage of magic would wear it down. Or maybe Mad Dummy was too mad to notice or care. Nonetheless, it fired at them again. Frisk had to duck as a regular dummy came flying at them out of nowhere, then dive out of the way of a dummy carrying a rocket. It hit the ground and exploded into millions of pieces.

"Grr..." Mad Dummy's rage had clearly hit boiling point. "These guys are even WORSE than the last ones! Who cares. Who cares! WHO CARES! I DON'T NEED FRIENDS!" It produced a huge knife. "I'VE GOT KNIVES!"

_*_ _**ACT** _

"Hey, that's a pretty rad-ass Nazi blade ya got there," said Frisk. The dummy hesitated mid-throw.

"Huh. Huh? HUH? You really think so?"

Frisk nodded enthusiastically. "Hell yeah, it is! I've seen my fair share of knives—" _Wow,_ _I sound like a_ _total_ _freak._ _"_ —but yours has the most charm. Nice design, too."

The dummy peered into the depths of Frisk's eyes, searching for even a speck of falsehood. But it found none. It gave a chuckle, which gradually dissolved into much louder laughter.

"Haha. Haha! HAHA! That's the first nice thing someone's said to me ALL DAY!" it marvelled. "You. You! YOU! Thank you! It's not every day I get a genuine compliment. I'm still really mad about my cousin though," it added.

"I guess I'm just not interesting enough for him," they shrugged. "He'll find somebody cooler."

"I guess," it conceded. "Phew. That was a little overboard even for me. Must've had something to do with the fumes coming out of _her_ house," it added, snarling.

"Mad Dummy plays the pronoun game so we have to ask who 'she' is."

"Who is 'she'?"

"Undyne," said the dummy without any hesitation. "Normally, I'm her training dummy. But, she's been getting a little _t_ _oo_ aggressive for my liking. I don't know _what_ _her problem is_."

"I know that feeling."

"Usually, she respects me by just giving it her all. But, lately, she's just been fighting dirty!" it said indignantly. "She just knocks me over and plunges a spear through me over and over again. That isn't how you're supposed to fight!" it insisted, hopping around wildly.

"Well, maybe she just doesn't deserve you then," said Frisk, sighing. "Nice dummies like you just can't find a loyal monster."

"EXACTLY!" the dummy agreed. It calmed down a little. "Though, it was... nice? to talk about all this. So, uh... thanks for listening, I guess?"

"Yeah, yeah, no problem."

"Good..." it said. "I guess I should go back. It's been like two hours now. By the way, you're still boring." It promptly floated off.

"You won! You earned nothing for your efforts," said Chara. Frisk just rolled their eyes in response.

Frisk was just setting off when a familiar ghost floated into the room.

"Oh... hi there," said Napstablook. "You and your friend looked like you were having fun, so I didn't interrupt. Oh no... I just made this awkward, didn't I?"

"No, really, it's fine," said Frisk. "How are you? We haven't talked since we ran into each other in the Ruins."

"I'm doing okay," said Napstablook. "People have been enjoying my music."

"You never told me you made music," said Frisk. "That's pretty cool."

"It is?" asked Napstablook. "Thanks... I guess... oh, and you and your friend are welcome to hang out with me if you want... no pressure."

"Eh, why not? I need a place to sleep anyways. I'll be over soon," they agreed.

"Okay... I guess I should get going now..." said Napstablook. "I'll be at my house... it's just up ahead, if you still wanna come..." he added, then faded from view.

"Right," said Frisk. "Well, let's-a-get-going."

"Are we going to Napstablook's house?"

"I'm gonna look around first. Then head over there."

The two left the corridor, entering a big, wide-open room. There was a small lake with a huge glass elevator shaft in it. Frisk could see from here that it lead up into a huge building that seemed to have been modelled on a computer chip. Chara hummed, gazing over it with scrutiny. "Hmm. That's new."

"That guy at Sans's station wasn't kidding. These tech advancements really _are_ sneaking in," said Frisk.

Across from the lake, there were two pillars. A SAVE point was shimmering in between them. Frisk promptly marched over and touched it.

"Ah, the sweet filling of my physical form with determination," said Frisk, before continuing onward.

They realised then that there were three possible pathways they could take, the middle one obviously leading to Napstablook's house. So, they chose to check out the right path first. Inside they found a room ablaze with colourful gemstones set into the rocky, cavernous walls. Embedded on one of the walls was the symbol they had so often seen around the Ruins.

A tortoise dressed like an archaeologist was sitting at a table decorated with many different trinkets. He also sported a pith helmet and wispy beard.

"Whoa there!" he greeted. "I've got some neat junk for sale!"

"So have I, but I don't flog it to random strangers," said Frisk.

The tortoise chuckled. "I'm tryin' to get _rid_ of stuff, not buy it!" he explained. "Though I hear, if ya wanna sell things, that Temmie Village is the place to go."

"Uh-huh, and where's that?" asked Frisk.

He faltered. "Er... I don't remember."

_Great._

"Alright, well, what have you got, old man?" asked Frisk, a little jerky.

"The name be Gerson," the tortoise monster answered indignantly. "Anything here interest you?"

Frisk looked at all the objects laid out on the table. A teapot and teacup, a ballpoint pen, a notebook that looked like it had survived a government document shredder, a badge with the MENSA logo on it, and a... crab?

"Is that a crab?" asked Frisk. Gerson gave a thigh-slapping "Wa ha ha!", picked it up and held it up for them to see. "This right here's a Crab Apple! 's a rare apple shaped like a crab! I found it when I was out fishin'! It'll heal ya up, but set ya back 25G."

"What about the tea set? Does it summon genies?" asked Frisk sarcastically. Chara smacked Frisk upside the head, despite their hand just going through them. "You idiot. It was a _lamp_ that summoned genies in that story."

_So? It_ _looks_ _like the lamp_ _..._

"Does nothin' of the sort!" said Gerson, sounding slightly scandalised. "It's filled to the brim with my own brew of tea... Cactus tea!"

"You mean... made from actual cacti plants?"

"Well I didn't call it fruit, did I?" he cackled jovially. "Made from San Pedro cacti."

Frisk frowned. "And the benefit of that is...?"

"They produce natural hallucinogens, yes they do!" said Gerson, a little too proudly for Frisk's taste. They inquired on the pen, notebook, and badge.

"Ah, these are genuine objects from the Surface!" said Gerson, examining them lovingly. "A while ago, some poor sucker fell, then got picked up on their way past here. I don't got nothin' against the Royal Guard, believe me, but I didn't want none of 'em swipin' these, so I took 'em before _they_ could."

"Okay, I really don't care. Just tell me about them."

"Righty-o," said Gerson. "There's a friend of a friend who told me all I need to know on these little beauties. So, we'll start with the pen. This friend said it has attack-strengthenin' abilities and increases your invulnerability to certain attacks by a factor 'o six! The notebook does nothin'!" he laughed. "I mean, it's good for storin' your thoughts, but nothin' else."

"What about that badge? Does it increase my IQ?"

"Nah. Has the ability to strengthen your defensive abilities and so on," said Gerson.

"Nice," said Frisk. "What's your asking price?"

"Forty G, not a coin above," said Gerson. "If ya want the lot, it'll go ya about a hundred and ten G."

"Sounds good," they replied, fishing some gold out of their pocket. Gerson took the gold and handed them their stuff, giving them a grin. "Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!"

"Yeah, yeah, no problem," said Frisk, waving it away. They sat down on a rock nearby, looking over their purchases. "Ah yes. The pen. Mightier than the sword, this time both figuratively and literally. It's sharp enough to kill, slander and write a tragedy for its victim in one stroke. The rest is obvious. The previous owner clearly thought themselves an intellectual and candidate for MENSA. It was not to be," they snickered, pinning the badge to their shirt and stowing everything else away in their coat pockets.

"Ah, pardon me, youngster, but why are ya talkin' to yourself?"

Frisk grimaced. _How do you not have hearing problems at your age_ _?_ "Oh, no reason."

"Are ya readin' that notebook?" he asked. "I only ask because I forgot to mention the previous owner went a little loopy near the end of his life," he added with a cackle.

"No."

"Oh, never mind then."

"Since you're asking questions, about I ask _you_ some?"

"Why not?" he said. "Ask me anything!"

"Alright... Tell me about yourself first."

Gerson scratched his beard as he spoke. "Well, I've been around a long time. Maybe too long. Studying history sure is easy when you've lived through so much of it yourself! Wa ha ha!"

 _Well, how about that,_ they thought. Their eye was once again caught by the symbol on the wall.

"I've been seein' that symbol a whole lot around here," said Frisk. "What is that? Some religious shit or what?"

"Eh? What the hell are they teachin' you kids in school these days...?" he asked, shaking his head. "That's the Delta Rune. The emblem of our kingdom. The Kingdom... of Monsters. Wa ha ha! Great name, huh?"

"Well, at least it's memorable."

Gerson chuckled. "It's as I always say, though... Ol' Fluffybuns can't name for beans!"

 _Fluffybuns?_ "What does it mean, though?

"The symbol predates written history," he said. "So, I'd betcha a bag of gold that it's older than me! Anyway, all we really know is that the triangles symbolise our imprisonment down here, and the winged circle represents... something. I dunno. Some say it's the angel from the prophecy."

"What prophecy?"

"Well, legend has it that an 'angel' who has seen the surface will descend from above and bring us freedom," he said solemnly. "Lately, people have been takin' a bleaker outlook... Callin' that circle the 'angel of death'. A harbinger of destruction, waitin' to 'free' us from this mortal realm..."

"Works both ways, don't you think?" they quipped.

Gerson pretended not to notice. "In my opinion, when I see that lil' circle..." he grinned, back to his usual self. "I just think it looks real neat! Wa ha ha!"

"That's great and all, but we both know the only important question is: Who the hell is Fluffybuns?" asked Frisk.

"That's the king!" said Gerson. " _Ev_ _eryon_ _e_ knows that nickname! People call him Fluffybuns because..." he paused. "I don't remember."

"Thanks a lot, Gramps."

He gave a deep sigh, rubbing his eyes. "I'm gettin' old, I don't remember a lotta things. But, I dunno, maybe if ya came back later, I might've remembered!" he added brightly, before muttering darkly to himself: "If the 'Heimer's don't take me first."

"We both know I'm not coming back again, even if I wanted to," said Frisk. "I'm kinda involved in a... personal dispute with Undyne."

"Ah! Undyne!" chuckled Gerson. "She's a local hero 'round here! Used to follow me aroun' and watch me beat up bad guys." He sighed nostalgically. "Yeah. I used to be a hero back in the day... Gerson, the Hammer of Justi—"

"When you're done stroking your ego, we were talking about _Undyne_?" said Frisk impatiently.

He blinked. "Oh, yeah. Right. Anyway, out of pure grit and determination alone, she fought her way to the top of the Royal Guard... actually," he furrowed his brow, looking at Frisk over the rim of his glasses, "she just came askin' about someone who looked a lot like you..."

Frisk paled a little. Then, their indignation set in. "Wow, you're a real fuckin' inspiration. Y'know what? Fuck you, and your shitty pop-up store. I'm outta here." They turned on their heel and began speed-walking away. "Thanks for nothing, you arsehole."

Gerson sighed heavily. "Later, kiddo. Wa ha ha. I can't remember my name."

They headed straight for Napstablook's house. Down the path, they encountered two houses with odd, Dr. Seuss-like proportions. One was beige, the other pink. Frisk tried the door of the pink house. Locked. They knocked. Nobody answered.

"Ah, well. Guess he lives in the other one."

They opened the door to the beige house. The floorboards were a dull brown, and there seemed to be many deep cracks in the walls. There also didn't seem to be much furniture. There was a fridge, a TV, three CD cases lying on the ground, and a computer. Napstablook was currently in front of it, headphones on, accessing a music-sharing website.

"Hey," greeted Frisk. "Frisk's back in his house."

Napstablook turned around. "Oh... hi there. Welcome to my house. It's not much, but make yourself at home."

Frisk approached. "So, what the haps? How're things?"

"Oh, me? I'm fine, thank you," said Napstablook plaintively.

"What'cha doin'?"

"Oh, nothing really," said Napstablook. "I'm just listening to some music, that's all. Do you... want to hear?"

"Sure," said Frisk. They took the headphones and set them on their ears. There was a jazzy song playing, a noticeable but quiet synth rhythm in the background with an EDM-style drum fill. They nodded. "Huh. This is nice. Electro swing."

"I'm... glad you like it..." said Napstablook. "I've made electro swing stuff before... but I like relaxed stuff... stuff that's good to chill out to..."

"Nice," they said. "Do you really just live here by yourself?"

"My cousin used to live next door," said Napstablook plaintively. "But he's not around anymore."

"Well, where'd he get off to?"

"He was a very big fan of humans. He wanted to be corporeal very badly. I suppose he went to chase that dream," he explained. "I wish he just said goodbye..."

"Wow, dick move."

"I suppose."

They looked over at the fridge. "Hey, Blook. What do you keep in here?"

"Oh, just a few things... are you hungry?" asked Napstablook, floating over to the fridge.

"No, just curious."

"Oh... well... I can offer you a ghost sandwich..."

"No, it's okay. I probably can't eat ghost food anyway," said Frisk.

"Could I get you a ghost joint?" asked Napstablook, before recoiling. "No, you already said you can't use ghost items..."

"Well, anyway, I'm gonna sleep now 'cause I'm fuckin' tired," said Frisk. They looked around. "Is there like a secret staircase to your room or somethin'?"

"Oh, I don't have a bed," said Napstablook, who was now eating the ghost sandwich. "Sometimes I fall asleep while I'm performing my family tradition. After a good meal, we lie on the floor and feel like garbage." Then, tentatively: "Do you... want to join me?"

"Eh, sure," said Frisk, lying down next to Napstablook. Chara joined them too. Frisk stared up at the damp, dirty ceiling for a while, not feeling anything. Until the ceiling changed before their eyes. In fact, the whole room changed. It was like the three of them were floating in space. They were surrounded by the cosmos, little speckles of star-stuff, and neon trails left by comets. Frisk's eyes glazed over at the sight of it all.

"Wow, that's... Damn."

It really _was_ beautiful. It was like a personal piece of space, right here in a small, weirdly-proportioned house, easily accessed by just lying down and staring at the ceiling. And Napstablook had even put on some appropriate music for the occasion. Heavenly chorusing noises reverberated through the house. It sounded like the galaxy was speaking to them.

"Hey, Blook," said Frisk, "what's this song called?"

"Oh... it's called, um, 'chill'. Because, it's, uh... a song for when you're... chilling..." the ghost mumbled, sounding embarrassed.

"Neat name," said Frisk.

"You... you think so?"

"Sure do."

The three laid in silence for a while. It wasn't Frisk's intention to fall asleep, but couple the fact they had pulled an all-nighter wandering through Waterfall to them floating in the cosmos to spacey ambient soundtrack and it was impossible not to.

* * *

Frisk groaned, running a hand through their messy hair. They sat up, rubbing sleep from their eyes and looking around. Napstablook was floating near the computer, headphones on.

"Morning, partner," came Chara's voice out of nowhere. "How'd you sleep?"

"Eh, alright," said Frisk, yawning loudly. They sat up, grunting as they leaned their back against the wall. "I'm never sleepin' on the floor again. My back is _killing_ me."

Napstablook looked over. "Oh... good morning. I didn't see you there."

Frisk waved. "Hey. I'm probably gonna head out. I've got a long way to go anyway. Was cool stayin' with you though."

Napstablook nodded. "Thanks..."

As Frisk dragged themselves to their feet, Napstablook said, "Your friend is very quiet."

Frisk tilted their head, confused. "What friend? That dummy and I aren't friends, and they're _far_ from quiet."

"No," said Napstablook. "Not that one."

Frisk narrowed an eye. "Who are you talking about, then?"

It was too late. Napstablook, mumbling a mass of apologies, faded away into nothingness.

"Hey, Napstabl—!" They groaned. "Damn it." They looked around. Nothing. They sighed. "Guess we'd better get going then." Their stomach growled. "After breakfast."

"Just eat it on the way," said Chara.

"Well, sheesh. Thanks, mum," muttered Frisk, heading to the door and leaving the ghost shack behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that does it for chapter seven! Next up: Frisk and Undyne settle it in the ring, BROTHERRRR!
> 
> Now, let's get into that sweet ass Chapter Trivia!
> 
> 1\. The title is a reference to an old anti-drugs PSA that went to the chant of, "Drugs, drugs drugs! Ask your momma, ask your dad. Drugs, drugs drugs!" I liked how Mad Dummy's emphasis comes in threes, so there it went.
> 
> 2\. Napstablook was referring to Chara when he said "your friend". He always was. He can't technically see them per se, but he can kinda sense them and hear their voice at times, which is why he thinks they're "quiet".
> 
> 3\. The Perseverance soul trait's items are different in here. He was a bit of a, uh... a nerd. And a wannabe intellectual. He documented a whole lot about himself and his personal observations of the world in his handy-dandy lil' notebook. That MENSA badge was a charm to him, a sign that one day, he might be accepted. It's funny, he was the only adult to fall into the Underground...
> 
> 4\. "Frisk's back in his house" is a reference to a line from a Ramz Hacker Tips video.
> 
> 5\. Frisk's description of the Mad Dummy's knife as "rad-ass" and "Nazi" are a reference to one of Prebrand's lines in the TribeTwelve episode "Sisyphus".
> 
> Well, that's all I have to say. Stick around, the next chapter's a good one for a swell battle!
> 
> Nyehfully yours,  
> \- offbrandbiscuit


	8. 08: The Hero...?

The room where they had SAVED the previous day had not changed much at all. The elevator shaft was still there, and Gerson was still at his shop. Frisk had not even bothered to check out Undyne's house. They decided that getting skewered was not worth the risk.

However, one thing they hadn't noticed the day before was a Dimensional Box over near the east corridor. If they could sell items at this 'Temmie Village' that Gerson was talking about, they'd need to get all their stuff from the box. A bit unfortunate that they had no clue where Temmie Village was, nor did Gerson.

"I think I know who could help," said Chara.

"And who might that be, genius?" asked Frisk.

"Papyrus," said Chara. Frisk wasn't so sure about this.

"No disrespect, but I dunno how great his advice will be," they replied, taking out their phone and selecting Papyrus's contact.

"He calls himself 'The Great Papyrus' for a reason," Chara reminded them.

They ignored them. It didn't take long for Papyrus to pick up.

"HELLO, HUMAN!" he bellowed, causing Frisk to jump about a foot in the air. They moved the phone away from their ear a bit before answering. "H-hey, Papyrus," they greeted, sounding a bit rattled.

"WELCOME TO PAPYRUS'S HOTFUL HELPLINE!"

"Whoa whoa whoa, did I get your escort service number by mistake?"

"NO, NO. IT'S A HELPLINE I SET UP FOR WHENEVER A FRIEND IS IN NEED OF ADVICE!" he explained proudly.

"Right, well, that's convenient," said Frisk, "because I was calling to ask you if you know where Temmie Village is."

"OHO!" he said, chuckling. "TEMMIE VILLAGE! I USED TO LOVE THAT PLACE! SOMETIMES, I WOULD GO THERE TO CLEAR MY HEAD... BUT I'D OFTEN WALK OUT MUDDLEHEADED OR PENNILESS!"

"So, is it like a ghetto or something?" asked Frisk with raised eyebrows. "Am I gonna get robbed?"

"NO, NO!" he said, flustered. "JUST THAT I TEND TO MAKE A LOT OF, UH... IMPULSE PURCHASES WHENEVER I'M THERE. WHICH IS WHY I DON'T GO THERE ANYMORE..."

"Right... so, where is it?"

"AH, YES," said Papyrus, clearing his throat. "YOU'LL FIND TEMMIE VILLAGE IN THE ROOM BEFORE THE DARKENING LANTERN ROOM." Before Frisk could ask what that was, Papyrus swiftly explained, "IT'S A PUZZLE."

"I see... can you sell items there? An old guy said I could."

"OH, ABSOLUTELY! JUST TAKE CARE NOT TO LET _THEM_ SELL _YOU_ ANYTHING... YOU MIGHT JUST END UP BROKE! NYEH HEH HEH!"

"Thanks," said Frisk. "Oh, and one last thing. What is this random elevator shaft near Undyne's place?"

"OH, THAT THING!" said Papyrus, chuckling once more. "THAT'S THE ENTRANCE TO THE WATERFALL CORE! IT'S ROUGHLY AN EIGHTH OF THE SIZE OF THE POTLAND CORE, AND RUNS ON HYDROELECTRICITY. YOU KNOW, ELECTRICITY GENERATED FROM—"

"I know what hydroelectricity is!" snapped Frisk.

"RIGHT, RIGHT, SORRY," said Papyrus. "BUT THAT'S WHAT IT IS. DR. ALPHYS INSISTED WATERFALL GET SOME TYPE OF POWER PLANT, SO SHE DREW UP SOME DESIGNS, DELIVERED THEM TO THE KING, AND THEY WERE APPROVED! UNDYNE OCCASIONALLY HELPS OUT THERE, WHENEVER SHE HAS A SPARE MOMENT. OH, OFF TOPIC, BUT UNDYNE _REALLY_ HATES TEMMIE VILLAGE! SO IF YOU EVER NEEDED TO, UH, HYPOTHETICALLY... HIDE OR SOMETHING..." he trailed off.

"Thanks for the info," said Frisk.

"O-OH, NO TROUBLE AT ALL! STAY SAFE, HUMAN!" he said.

"You too."

The phone clicked. Frisk put it back in their pocket. "So, the room before the darkening lantern room, huh?" said Frisk, more to themselves than anyone else. "And I can sell stuff at Temmie Village. Time to harness the power of Rick Harrison and make myself some gold."

Frisk headed over to the Dimensional Box and withdrew all their items. They took extra care when taking the glove, because it was still bloodstained, and they refused to touch it, considering they had no idea what kind of diseases the previous owner could've had. The same reason why they would never consider putting the guard in their mouth.

Not wanting to besmirch any of their current items, they carefully placed the bopper on their right hand. That way, they could still use their dominant hand without having to remove the bopper again and again. Then, they headed off, in search of the darkening lantern room. Unless of course, Temmie Village was just a huge doorway with a greeting sign. It didn't really matter, because Undyne wouldn't put a foot in Temmie Village. So, if things went to shit, they could hide there. They just had to not lose all their cash.

They headed down the east corridor. It quickly changed from built-up to wide-open. A waterfall was roaring away behind the sandy path. A couple of Echo Flowers lined the room. There were also two signs that talked about the Barrier.

_* Only a being with a powerful SOUL can leave._

_Guess you can count me out then,_ thought Frisk sarcastically.

_* However, if a being with the power of seven human SOULs attacks the Barrier... it will be destroyed._

_Interesting._

_* This cursed place has no entrances or exits. There is no way a human could come here._

_Guess they forgot to patch the ceiling._

_* We will remain trapped down here forever._

_Sheesh, you don't lose anything_ trying _,_ thought Frisk. _Maybe there's a different way out. Why not drill your way out?_

Chara once again smacked Frisk upside the head. "Easier said than done, halfwit. The Barrier's magic covers all of Mt. Ebott."

"Alright, I didn't know that," said Frisk huffily. "Chill out."

The next room held a sinister sight. Everything was completely black, save for a grassy path lit dimly by a pair of glowing mushrooms. Frisk stared at them for a moment.

"D'you reckon these are poisonous?" asked Frisk.

"No," said Chara. "Unless I'm mistaken, this is the puzzle Papyrus was talking about. Those are lantern mushrooms, a species native to the Underground. They glow dimly, but if you squeeze them, they glow brighter."

"So, they're like glow-sticks," mused Frisk.

"If that's the comparison you want to make, then yes."

Frisk reached out and squeezed the fungi. Their glow burst spectacularly. More of the path was revealed by the bright light from the mushrooms.

"Neat," said Frisk.

"Indeed," Chara agreed.

Frisk continued this cycle of squeezing the mushrooms and lighting up the path, until something peculiar happened. They felt a strong and sudden sense of danger as their soul glowed brighter in their chest.

"Special enemy Temmie appears here now to defeat you!"

"Wait, _Temmie_?" asked Frisk rhetorically.

The Temmie in question appeared as a white cat, but with the ears of both a cat _and_ dog. It wore a black hoodie with white stripes, hood pulled over its mop of silky black hair. Despite the deep black of its eyes, Frisk swore they saw rainbows dancing in there. Its body was vibrating so much that a casual observer would deduce it had bitten a live wire.

"Uh, hi?" greeted Frisk uncomfortably.

"hOi!" Temmie replied loudly in a female Asian accent.

Before Frisk could even ask what was going on, a huge, loopy-legged version of Temmie had spawned above them, running backwards and forwards erratically. Though Frisk tried their best to keep up, they were powerless against the psychotic energy that Temmie exerted. No matter how quickly Frisk tried to dodge, the seconds felt like milliseconds, and the milliseconds like split-seconds, and the split-seconds like—

"Are you even listening?" asked Chara indignantly, breaking Frisk out of their crazed mental rambling. "You are pathetic."

"Okay, uh... what do you suggest I do?" asked Frisk. "Anything to end this nightmare would be _fantastic_."

"Well, using Check would be a good start," said Chara sarcastically. "You haven't any Tem Flakes on you."

"Alright, give me the 4-1-1."

"Temmie, rated tem outta tem. Loves to pet cute humans. But you're allergic!" they said unashamedly.

"Are you on drugs?" asked Frisk desperately.

"Are you paying attention?" Chara retorted, gesturing in the direction of Temmie's neck, which was now extending horrifically towards them, Lesser Dog-style.

"fhsdhjfdsfjsddshjfsd," said Temmie, somehow perfectly pronouncing the jumbled phrase.

Frisk stepped out of the way, but Temmie's neck just kept following them. They hurried away from it, the neck still following. Surely it couldn't stretch forever...

Frisk was right. Temmie's neck eventually stopped, before shooting all the way back to its owner like a tape measure.

"Temmiy accidentally misspelled her own name," said Chara.

"What the hell are Tem Flakes anyway?" asked Frisk.

"Well..." said Chara, trailing off. "We shouldn't talk about this."

"Come on, cough up," demanded Frisk.

"They're a drug," said Chara. "One time, Asriel found a stray box of them, and they messed him up so badly that he was a giggling mess for a week straight."

"What's inside a box of Tem Flakes?" asked Frisk, feeling as though they'd regret this.

"Torn-up sheets of coloured construction paper," said Chara. "But there's a secret ingredient that nobody knows that is responsible for the high-inducing effect."

"uWa! whAt's tHIS?" asked Temmie. "u tAlk aBOUT TEM FLAKES?"

"Uh, yes, but—"

"u got da TEM FLAKES?" asked Temmie hopefully.

"Ah, no, sorry," said Frisk. "I don't have any Tem Flakes, and anyway, they don't sound too good for ya."

Temmie gave them the classic puppy-dog eyes. "can't blame a BARK for tryin'..." she said, then keeled over in a dead faint.

"And _that_ is why you don't do drugs, kids," said Frisk, hurrying away from Temmie, hoping to never encounter her or any of her associates ever again.

* * *

"hOi!"

"hOi!"

"Hi, I'm Bob."

"hOives!"

 _You're a traitor,_ thought Frisk. _How could you not tell me this?_

"I'm not all-knowing," said Chara defensively.

There was a painting on the wall of a draconic creature and a Temmie, silhouetted for maximum dramatic effect. Many Temmies were sitting around, discussing their days with each other in the same, erratic speech patterns. One was even sitting on an Easter egg, stating that she was waiting for it to hatch. "then, tem wil be... proud PARENT!"

A yellow star was glowing nearby. Frisk reached out and touched it.

"You feel... something," said Chara. "You're filled with detemmienation."

"Detemmienation? Really?" asked Frisk, covering their face with their hands.

"Yes."

A sign above another doorway read "TEM SHOP" in blue and yellow letters. The vendor in there was fairly different from the other Temmies. She had long, grey hair instead of black, and was adorned in a blue and yellow-striped jumper.

"hOi!" she greeted. "welcom to... da TEM SHOP!"

"Okay... who are you exactly?" asked Frisk.

"hOi! i'm TEMMIE!"

"Tell me about your shop," they said, looking at what looked like a first-grader's lemonade stand. "This _is_ a shop, right?" they added bitingly.

"yaYA!" she said. "go to TEM SHOP!"

"I did, and I sorely regretted it," said Frisk dryly. "Where did you even come from? Did you guys inbreed or something?"

"us tems hav a DEEP HISTORY!" she insisted.

"Not deep enough. What are you selling?"

"i got tem flakes, on SALE tem flAkes, expensiv tEm FlAkEs, and das it!" said Temmie. But contrary to what she said, on a small blackboard off to the left were the words 'tem pay 4 colleg'.

"'tem pay 4 colleg'? What is that?" asked Frisk.

"das for my colleg educayshun!" said Temmie proudly. "imma go to colleg and make u proud!"

"One thousand gold doesn't sound like a realistic goal," said Frisk.

"das why i set up da TEM SHOP!"

"Good for you. Can I sell anything here?"

"yaYa!"

"Alright, how much can I get for all this?" they asked, setting everything on the table. Temmie gasped audibly.

"WHOA! das a lot of goods..." she squealed.

"i really wanna buy," she said, squirming in her seat. "but tem gotta pay for colleg..." She debated with herself for about five seconds, then looked at Frisk brightly and said, "okay! i wil buy deez for two hundred and fiddy G!"

"Well, I think you're a scam artist and I'll keep them, thanks."

"b-but..." she whimpered, "flffjlfjlfjfjflfjfl."

Frisk began gathering up the items, but were stopped by Temmie's frantic cry.

"oKAY! i will pay five hundred G!" she said.

Frisk looked at her incredulously. If she had that much money, why didn't she just pay for college herself?

_Oh well, more money in my pockets._

"Yeah, sure. Just give me my money."

Frisk had to get a Dimensional Box to carry it all.

* * *

After Frisk had stumbled their way through the darkening lantern room, they found themselves in a dark corridor.

"Sheesh, could someone maybe turn on a few lights?" they said jokingly. Chara looked around suspiciously.

"Hey, Chara, what the haps?" asked Frisk.

"I think you're walking into a trap," said Chara, frowning.

"Yeah, but what other way do I have to go?" said Frisk. "Anyway, if anyone _does_ try to jump me, I think I can take 'em."

The two continued in silence. There was an Echo Flower glowing at the end of the hallway. Frisk approached it, and were about to say something to it when someone else did.

"Behind you."

It wasn't Chara's voice. And it sure as hell wasn't theirs. So, by process of elimination...

"Ah, shit," said Frisk, turning around. Weirdly, the room had gotten brighter now. Undyne stood a good distance away, surveying the room. "Hey, I'm in a bit of a hurry, so could we maybe just—"

"Seven," she said, in a cold, sinister voice. "Seven human souls."

"Yeah, I know," said Frisk boredly. "I got the message. Seven human souls and you can break the Barrier. Thanks for the refresher, now can I go, Principal?"

Undyne snarled. "That is the last I'll hear of your insolence, human. With seven human souls, King Asgore Dreemurr—" ("So he's still King..." muttered Chara) "—will become a god. With that power, he'll take back the surface from humanity... and give them back the pain and suffering we have endured."

"Wouldn't it be so much easier to kiss and make up?" jabbed Frisk.

"Alright, that's it," said Undyne. "Surrender your soul NOW, or I'll tear it from your body."

"Pretty sure that's not how it works," said Frisk, drawing in a sharp intake of air when a blue energy spear materialised in Undyne's hands. "Hey, what happened to me getting to choose?"

"Partner, you are insufferable," said Chara. Frisk just shrugged.

Undyne took a few steps forward, gripping the spear tightly. Frisk drew the pen from their pocket, pointing it straight at Undyne. She halted, staring at Frisk's ludicrous choice of weapon.

"Take another step and your name is mud," said Frisk. They weren't _actually_ going to go into battle with a fountain pen, but they thought it was worth a shot.

She snorted loudly. She was getting ready to run at Frisk when, all of a sudden, someone burst out from the sea grass.

"WAIT! UNDYNE! I'LL HELP YOU FIGHT!"

Both parties shot a sideways glance at the monster kid, keeping one eye on each other. The kid looked at both Undyne and Frisk, before a huge grin spread across his face. "YO! You did it!" he applauded. "Undyne's right here in front of you! You've got front-row seats to her fight!" He looked around eagerly, before his smile faded, being replaced by a look of incredulity. "Wait... who's she fighting?"

Undyne darted forward, and for a moment, Frisk was ready to swing at her, but never did. She grabbed the kid by his ear, dragging him out. He expressed his disapproval with a loud grunt of pain. "Hey! You aren't gonna tell my parents about this, are you?"

Then, all was silent, except for the Echo Flower faintly repeating the kid's last phrase.

Frisk sighed, putting the pen away. They were relieved that they didn't have to throw down right then and there. They barely even knew that much about Undyne's fighting style.

"I must say, that wasn't one of your better decisions," remarked Chara. "That pen is only good for slander, not murder."

"Character assassination is murder," Frisk argued, heading through the previously unseen gap in the wall. Many Echo Flowers lined the corridor, which was aflame with the glow of fireflies dancing in the air.

"Heheh, that was too good—"

"And, you'll never believe who I saw—"

"Please... it's so cold and dark..."

"Well, _he_ was a right old nutcase, wasn't he?"

The two continued onward past waterfalls pouring down into the ravines below. Frisk was on-edge again, probably wondering if Undyne would ambush them again. So, they were a little bit relieved when the monster kid's voice called out to them.

"Yo!"

"Okay, just join my entourage already," said Frisk impatiently. "I've got shit to do."

"A-alright... I just came to ask... you're a human, right?"

Frisk raised an eyebrow. "Well, _finally_ you ask. Yes. I am."

"Ah, right," said the kid. "So, I have a favour to ask. Y'see, Undyne told me to, um, 'stay away from the human'. So... that kinda makes us enemies, I guess. But, I kinda suck at that, haha."

"So you want me to _make_ you hate me?" asked Frisk.

"Somethin' like that," said the kid.

"Okay, well, uh... _that's_ hilarious," said Frisk. "I'm already an unlikable person by default, so I dunno how I can top that. Other than pointing out that you're the only physically crippled monster I've seen, and one of my least favourite."

The kid looked at him for a moment, almost stupefied. For a moment, Frisk wondered if he was going to throw himself off the bridge, but then he just laughed.

"Really? I get that from my big sister all the time," he said.

"Wow. What kind of a family do you live in?" asked Frisk, a note of genuine concern in their voice.

"Guess I gotta do it myself," he sighed. "So, here goes. Uh... I hate your guts."

Frisk shrugged. "Well, fair enough. Like I said, pretty unlikable person right here."

Despite Frisk's indifference, the kid looked really ashamed of himself. "Man, I'm a jerk..." he said to himself. "I... I'd better get out of here. But, before you go, could you do me another favour?"

"Sure, anything for you, kiddo," said Frisk in their wise-guy voice.

"Could light this joint for me? The one in my pocket."

Frisk backed away quickly. "Okay, wow. Papyrus, sure. Sans, absolutely. But never did I think you'd smoke."

"H-hey, it's my first time, chillax," he said.

"And hopefully your last," Frisk replied. "Fine. Don't say I didn't warn you. Got a light?"

"Yeah, in my right pocket."

They withdrew the lighter, and flicked it once. A small flame appeared and disappeared. They put the joint in the kid's mouth and lit the end. It obviously _was_ his first time, because he tried to suck it all in at once. He coughed and spluttered, smoke streaming from his mouth and nostrils hilariously.

Frisk snorted, but covered it by patting the kid's shoulder in a concerned way. He emerged, giggling stupidly. "H-heh, I guess this wasn't such a good idea after all."

"Yeah, you got that right."

"It's just, my parents smoke and all, so..." the kid trailed off, sighing. "I'd better get going." He stumbled off. Frisk was turning around to get going again when they heard a muffled yelp. They spun around and saw the kid clinging to the edge of the bridge with his teeth. He gave an unintelligible scream that sounded a fair bit like 'help'.

"How the hell did you get like _that_?" asked Frisk, not moving from their spot. The kid's eyes were wild with terror.

"Are you kidding? _Save_ him!" shouted Chara.

"Yeah, I'm on it," Frisk was saying, before they noticed Undyne standing just a few feet away. _Oh for Christ's sake,_ thought Frisk, exasperated. _Now what am I supposed to do?_

"Ignore her and save the child!" said Chara.

 _Fine, but this is on you if I get killed,_ they retorted, rushing over to the kid and grabbing him. They lifted him onto the bridge, dropping him there, taking a huge step back so Undyne's inevitable swing would miss. She didn't swing.

The kid got to his feet. He stared anxiously at Undyne. "Y-yo... if you wanna hurt my friend—" _Pfft,_ friend _? We were never friends..._ "—you'll have to go through me first."

Undyne's breathing was heavy. "Step aside," she said. An energy spear appeared in her hands. She advanced on the kid, who was backing away, his eyes practically bugging out.

" _Seriously_?" asked Chara. "Is she going to hurt him just to get to you?"

Frisk pulled out the slander weapon again. They pulled the kid behind them and raised the tip to her neck. "Don't. If you want to kill me, you'll leave him out of this."

Undyne faltered for a second. In that second, two voices rang out. "Timothy! Is that _you_?"

"M-mum? Dad?" asked the kid.

"Timothy! Thank God you're safe," said a large reptilian monster, hugging him tightly.

"I notice they have arms," observed Chara. "Perhaps he has yet to grow them?"

 _Or maybe it's a birth defect,_ suggested Frisk.

"Undyne? What are you doing here?" the father asked. "Never mind, thank God you were here to save him when he fell."

"S-she didn't save me..." mumbled Timothy.

"Huh?" said the mother, taken aback. "Then, who did?"

"They did," said Timothy, cocking his head in Frisk's direction. Thankfully, they were spared any questions by the kid's mother spotting the joint close by. "Timothy? What's _that_?"

Timothy looked over at the joint, paling. "I-it's... y-you know..."

"W-were you _smoking_?" asked his mother in a high-pitched voice.

"Y-yeah..." he mumbled, his head cast downwards.

"Who taught you to _do_ this stuff?" asked his father.

Timothy was silent for a moment, before bursting into tears and shouting, "You, alright? I learned it from watching you!" Frisk decided this was their cue to leave. They didn't need this family drama or being murdered by Undyne.

Once they were a good distance away, they relaxed. _Well, that was a whole buncha bullshit._

"That was a noble thing you did, saving that child," said Chara.

"Nah," said Frisk, shaking their head. "You had to _tell_ me to. If anything, you're the hero, not me."

"I never called you a hero," said Chara. "And... I am the last person deserving of that title."

"Second only to Undyne," said Frisk.

Chara gave a chuckle. "I suppose."

They travelled in silence for a bit, passing a monster with a head shaped like an upturned crescent. A cube was floating in the space in the middle of his head. He was adorned in a navy sweater.

"Hey you," he said. "Have I got a deal for you."

Frisk approached his stand. "What is it?"

"Premium custard cream," he said, pointing at the glass case with the ordinary biscuit in it. "Opening price is five thousand gold. Deal of a lifetime," he added, winking.

"You're crazy," said Frisk, turning to leave.

"Alright, I get it. Fifty thousand gold."

"No."

"Alright, not high enough for you, eh? Five hundred thousand."

"You're doing it wrong."

"Fine..." he grumbled. "Five million gold, not a coin above."

"Goodbye."

"Eh, whatever," the monster said, shrugging. "I couldn't sell it anyway. It has too much sentimental value to me."

Frisk just shook their head disbelievingly, continuing on in silence for a moment, before reaching a small rocky area near a huge cave. Up atop the crag was Undyne.

_Alright. Square up or show down._

Frisk stomped loud enough that the sound echoed in the area. Undyne's head swiftly turned at the noise. Then, she began to speak, filling the area with her cold monologue.

"Seven. Seven human souls. Then, King Asgore will become a god.

"Six... that's how many we have collected thus far."

 _Seriously?_ asked Frisk. _They have_ six already _? If they get mine..._ they shuddered.

"Understand?"

Frisk was snapped back to reality.

"With your seventh and final soul, this world will be transformed."

 _Sounds like a dictator at a rally,_ thought Frisk, stepping forward defiantly.

Undyne took no notice. "But first, as is customary to those who make it this far, I shall tell you the tragic tale of our people. It all started..." she trailed off, turning her back on Frisk. "No."

 _Uh... no what? No story before dead-time?_ asked Frisk.

"You know what? SCREW IT!" she yelled. Frisk flinched. _Okay, that was unexpected._ "WHY SHOULD I TELL YOU THAT STORY WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TO DIE? NGAAHH!"

"What the actual—?" asked Frisk, failing to even finish their sentence.

Undyne had now removed her helmet, revealing a blue-skinned fish-like creature. One of her eyes was covered by an eye-patch. "YOU!" she howled. "You're standing in the way of everyone's hopes and dreams! You know, Alphys made me think that humans were cool... with their bald drug cooks and burning super death swords..."

 _What the actual fuck is she talking about?_ asked Frisk.

"Honestly, I am not quite sure I caught all that."

"But you? You're not only an interfering narc, but also a coward!" she shouted. "Hiding behind that kid so you could run away from me again!"

"We shouldn't fight in front of kids," said Frisk, fake-imploringly. "Think of the children, Undyne."

She completely ignored them. "And let's not forget your wimpy goody-two-shoes-shtick!" she jeered. "Ooh! Look at me, I'm making _such_ a difference by burning people's stashes and giving them hugs! You know what would be more valuable to everyone? IF YOU WERE DEAD!"

Frisk grimaced. "Wow, that's hurtful."

"Yeah! That's right!" said Undyne. "Your continued EXISTENCE is a crime! Your life is all that stands between us and freedom! I can feel it now!" She flashed a broad smile at Frisk. "Everyone's hearts pounding together. Everyone's been waiting their whole lives for this moment. But we're not scared at all!"

"Literally nobody said you were scared," said Frisk.

"THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT!" she shouted. "When everyone puts their hearts together, they _can't_ lose!"

"Is this still about the war that happened like two million years ago?" they asked, exasperated. "Because I had nothing to do with it. I hadn't even been born, for Chrissakes, just get over it!"

"Get over it? Please," said Undyne. "We don't forget so easily when we have to spend our lives locked away from the place that was rightfully ours!"

"With all due respect, you don't own the surface and never did."

"ENOUGH!" she roared. "Human!" and here, she drew a harpoon gun from out of nowhere. "Let's end this right here, right now! I will show you just how determined monsters can be! For everyone's hopes... for everyone's dreams... I, Undyne, will knock you the heck down!"

 _'Heck'?_ wondered Frisk, but they didn't give it much thought. Their determination was flowing again. They SAVED.

"The wind is howling. You're filled with determination," said Chara.

"Alright, fishface," said Frisk, stepping forward. "Let's see what you've got!"

"That's the spirit, you little brat!" she yelled, leaping down from the crag. "En guarde!"

Undyne's eye flashed green. Frisk's legs froze up. As they looked down at them, they realised their SOUL had gone bright green. "What the—?"

"As long as you're green, you can't escape!" said Undyne, tossing a spear at Frisk. They caught it in their hands. "Unless you learn to face danger head-on, you won't last a SECOND against me!"

"Then what do I do with this?"

Undyne narrowed the eye that was not hidden behind her patch. "I want this to be a fair fight!" she said. "Use that to block the bullets. Now, can we get this show on the road or what?"

"Sure, whatever."

"Undyne attacks... or would, if she wasn't busy loading spears into her spear-gun," said Chara.

_* **Check** | Plead | Challenge | Flirt_

_* UNDYNE - ATK 55 DEF 25  
_ _* Has less morals than she has eyes. Doesn't know when to give up._

There was a loud clicking sound as Undyne launched energy spears at Frisk in a quick stream. They raised the spear, grunting as the sheer force of the spears colliding against theirs nearly knocked them off their feet. Two spears curved, flying towards Frisk's left side. They noticed it out of the corner of their eye, spinning to the side to block them.

"Not bad!" said Undyne. "How about... THIS!" She pulled the trigger. The gun spat a hail of spears, some gradually curving to meet Frisk at the sides. Frisk spun around to block them. They were gradually getting the hang of it. They just had to block the spears. They could sit here and enjoy a refreshing drink while knocking the spears away if they wanted to. And, to be frank, that's what they would much rather be doing than this.

Undyne began to monologue again. "For years, we've dreamed of a happy ending..."

Frisk blocked a spear on their right. They narrowly avoided being hit by a spear from behind.

"And now, sunlight is just within our reach!"

Frisk filled their head with the filthiest curse words they could think of, all the while blocking the spears. Unfortunately, they were more absorbed in mentally swearing at Undyne, and _just_ missed blocking the spear that hit them in the side. They gasped, falling to one knee. Blood was dripping from the the deep scratch in their side. _It hurts, but I'll live._

"I won't let you snatch it away!"

"What happened to _my_ happy ending?" asked Frisk.

"You don't get one!" she shouted. "You don't deserve one! You haven't had to suffer, just to know that all this pain could be worth nothing!"

"You don't even fucking know me!" Frisk retorted.

"THAT'S IT!" yelled Undyne. "ENOUGH WARMING UP!"

She fired a volley of spears at Frisk. They were barely able to keep up; the spike in difficulty had been expected, but drastic. Frisk was fending off the spears as best as they could, yet it wasn't good enough. A spear slipped past their defences, impaling their arm. They screamed, dropping to the ground. Despite barely trusting themselves to look, they did. A huge hole had appeared in their left arm. They weren't going to be able to wield a spear without the usage of their dominant hand.

Their SOUL flashed red, Undyne's spell wearing off. She hurled a spear at them. They rolled out of the way just in time. They looked up at her, trying to muster their kindest voice despite the fact she'd just mutilated their arm. "Undyne, I don't want to fight you!"

Undyne guffawed. "Ha! I can't believe YOU want to spare me!"

"Undyne, I'm not going to—" Frisk was saying, but they never finished. Undyne fired a well-aimed spear right through their heart. An explosion of blood and fleshy tissue filled their vision. They gagged on something thick and coppery in their throat, falling onto their back, eyes rolling back in their sockets. Their soul shattered.

* * *

_"You must not give up just yet... Chara! Stay determined!"  
_

* * *

Frisk snapped awake, finding themselves back at the start of the fight. Undyne stood atop the crag, looking down at them maliciously. _I died. But I'm back. Just like with Tor—_

"Doing okay?" asked Chara.

Frisk sighed heavily. "I guess. I mean, as good as you can after getting speared through the heart." They looked up at Undyne, a snarl on their countenance. "That _won't_ happen again."

The fight played normally up until their original point of death. They weren't going to underestimate her this time. Undyne pointed her gun to the sky, firing once, letting a shower of harpoons rain down from above. Frisk shielded themselves with their own spear, rushing to and fro to dodge the many projectiles falling from above.

"Undyne, I'm not gonna do this shit," said Frisk. "Just quit before you do something stupid!"

It didn't work.

She rolled her eyes. "Even if I _did_ spare you..."

More spears.

"No human has EVER made it past Asgore!"

Spears jabbed upwards from the ground, deep cracks running in the rocky surface like the veins in Frisk's body. They sidestepped the spears, but weren't ready for the one that impaled their leg. They cried out weakly, grimacing as they fell, for the sound of tearing ligaments and squishing flesh was a truly horrid sound to meet the ears.

Once again, Undyne put them out of their misery with a spear to the heart.

_CRACK  
_

* * *

_"You're going to be okay... Chara! Stay determined!"  
_

* * *

"Partner?"

"I know!" growled Frisk. "This time."

* * *

"No human has EVER made it past Asgore!"

_Spear stab. This time, I've got it. For sure._

This time, they found a perfect safe spot in between the middle and left group of spears. Undyne noticed, because she dropped the spears back into the ground, and started firing wildly at Frisk. They dived out of the way and behind a huge rock. Spears thumped against the other side of the rock for about forty seconds, until Undyne had to reload.

"Undyne! This isn't what you want!"

She cackled. "You wouldn't know what I want. Would you?"

_You little..._

"And, to be honest, killing you is an act of mercy anyway..."

_That's it. You asked for this._

Frisk breathed in, then leapt out from behind the rock, putting up finger guns. "Undyne," they said, "The way you treat me is real fishy, but I like it!"

Undyne narrowed an eye. "What the hell...?" she asked.

Chara shook their head. "If you die because of this, I will not weep for you."

_You never do._

Undyne fired more spears. Frisk sidestepped them, firing back with more witty pick-up lines, each one making both Chara and Undyne shiver in revulsion.

"Undyne, I'm your next meal in the food chain."

"You truly are to _dyne_ for."

"May I share my _undying_ love for you?"

Undyne was not finding this very amusing. She picked up the speed of her attacks, trying to spear them presumably to save her own dignity.

"Undyne, would you—?"

"HUMAN! THAT IS ENOUGH!" she yelled. "This is a FIGHT, you idiot! Not a date!"

"Undyne, there must be something fine under that armour," said Frisk coyly. This was too much.

"NGAAAAHH!" she shrieked, practically flying at Frisk, knocking them down. "SEXUAL! HARASSMENT!" she hollered, stabbing her spear into their chest with each syllable. Frisk tried to get to their feet, but she was on top of them now, and they were completely at her mercy — not that she had any.

As promised, Chara didn't look even the slightest bit sympathetic when they came back. "You had it coming."

"Yeah, guess I did. That last one took it a little too far."

* * *

Their soul was green again. Undyne was working herself into such a frenzy that Frisk was surprised she didn't collapse from exhaustion. Surely determination was not enough to do just this? There had to be _some_ additional factor responsible for her energy...

Then, as quickly as they became green, they were red again, and Undyne slashed at them with a spear, missing by only a millimetre. They stumbled back, the spear's energy leaving a whip-like sensation over their face. They stared back at Undyne disbelievingly. "How can you do this?" they practically yelled. "How can you attack an innocent person so casually—"

Undyne clouted them over the head with the blunt end of the spear. They fell to the ground, rubbing their head as she approached. "You humans have gotten even stupider over the years," she sneered. "You've abandoned even magic!"

"Stupid, eh?" Frisk grumbled. "That's what you think?"

Undyne tossed her head, her hair flowing like a bloody red snake, her yellow teeth bared in a wolfish grin. "You know what, human? You're a stubborn bastard. And I like that! But we'll just see who holds out the longest!"

She recast her spell to turn their soul green again, and began firing off more spears.

"Humans... _full_ of determination..." she was saying. "But, you know something, human? I'M determined too!"

_Well, not as determined as the Fabulous—_

"Finish that sentence and you are dead," said Chara.

_Never mind._

"Determined to end this RIGHT NOW!" she yelled, sending a yellow spear towards them. Frisk was standing their ground, ready to block it, when it spun around! It had originally been heading straight for them, but it had been spun around so it would hit them in the back. They realised this just in time and swung the spear to block it, but were unable to block the other spears because of it.

Just like that, they were dead again.

* * *

And again.

* * *

And again.

* * *

They won! Nah, just kidding! They died again.

* * *

After another death, Frisk finally snapped. They approached Undyne, unaware of Chara asking them what was wrong. "Hey, Undyne. Wanna know a cool fish fact?"

Undyne grinned, seemingly inviting them to go on.

"You remind me of a person who killed me over eight times. They were ignorant to my offers of mercy, kinda like you."

Undyne frowned.

"But, that's beside the point," they said. "Point is: I've absolutely fucking _had it_ with your shit, Undyne!"

Undyne gritted her teeth, scowling. "Big talk from the small fry," she said.

Frisk gave a forced laugh. "Bigger fry fall harder than the smaller ones, you know."

"Okay, whatever. Just die," said Undyne boredly.

Undyne threw a spear down to the human, then loaded a flaming spear into her gun, firing it off at them. Frisk dodged, predictably, but the spear exploded, sending a volley of flames everywhere.

The entire place was on fire. This type of flame didn't need anything to burn. It just spread until it eventually ran out of steam. But, almost immediately, it was snuffed out by a wave of blue energy.

"Having some technical difficulties, eh?" they asked, knowing full well who was responsible.

Undyne snarled. "Oh, you're so dead."

Frisk grabbed the spear, rushing at Undyne. She sidestepped them, but they were expecting this. They rammed into Undyne, knocking her off balance. She waved her spear gun wildly, firing erratically. Frisk slashed at her face (Frisk took a short moment to reflect on how stupid it was of her to remove her helmet), only grazing it, but eliciting a howl all the same. She shoved them away, taking aim at them and firing. They raised the spear to block hers.

She slashed the air with her spear, changing their soul to green. This didn't deter them. Even when Undyne threw as many reverse-orientation spears as she could at them, they just kept going, not losing the rhythm, no matter how jerky said rhythm was. They kept blocking until her spell wore off. She tried to recast it, but it failed.

She tried again, focusing hard. It failed.

"What's wrong? Is your little magic trick not working?" asked Frisk, bouncing a small box in their free hand. "I had a feeling this thing would come in handy later."

"NGAAAHH!" she howled, abandoning all honour, just wanting to tear the little punk to pieces using her teeth. "DIE ALREADY, YOU LITTLE BRAT!"

Frisk hit her in the face with the spear, causing her to stumble back. Then, she felt something go through her eye-patch and into her hollow eye. Frisk's pen. She shrieked loudly, though it was muffled when Frisk tripped her up, causing her to face-plant onto the ground. She quickly rose to her feet, clawing at her eye, screaming, "YOU DIRTY LITTLE YELLOW-BELLIED PUNK!" Frisk took this opportunity to book it out of there.

It didn't take long however for the heavy clanking sound of Undyne's boots to follow theirs. Undyne was hurling spears at them left and right, but with a metal-covered hand over half her face, her aim was worse than a drunk in the bathroom.

Frisk rounded the corner, rushing past a long, scrolling sign that read, "WELCOME TO POTLAND". The heat hit them as they burst out of the caverns. They could barely even see where they were going, just blindly running. The air had a thickness that they hadn't felt in even their hottest of summers. It also carried the scent of burnt rubber and rock.

They passed a sentry station where Sans was snoring away. Undyne's footsteps stopped for a moment, giving Frisk even more of a lead. They were only just beginning to realise how damn bright Potland was. Too bright, in fact.

They reached a small clearing, but were momentarily distracted by a water cooler. They were also beginning to realise how thirsty they were. Their throat was a desert, but they'd been so caught up in fighting that they didn't even notice.

Undyne's footsteps got louder, but slower. Then slower. Until there was one last, loud crash, and then no more. Frisk turned around. Undyne lay collapsed on the bridge, panting.

"So... hot... but I... can't... give..." she trailed off, her head smacking into the ground, falling silent.

Frisk fell to their knees, gasping for air, muscles aching. Was it finally over? Could they finally escape?

"Okay..." they gasped, calming down a little. "She can't chase me here..." They were one hundred percent sure Undyne deserved to just die here, but something in them just said "Why bother?" After all, it was like they'd said. She couldn't chase them through Potland.

Frisk got to their feet, approaching the water cooler and bending down. They turned on the tap, swallowing water in hasty gulps. Chara looked bemused.

"Are you planning on giving her mouth to mouth?" asked Chara.

Frisk ignored them. They took a cup and filled it, crossing over to Undyne and pouring it on her face.

Undyne groaned, slowly getting to her feet. She stared down at Frisk, contemplating them, before simply turning and walking away.

Frisk watched her go, metal footsteps echoing throughout the huge, hot, bubbling cavern. They stood there, rooted to the spot, until they couldn't see her or hear her footsteps anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, the Undyne fight. It is over and done with. You'll notice Papyrus didn't call during the chase. His call suggesting they hang out will be the beginning of the next chapter.
> 
> Now, let's get into the Chapter Trivia™!
> 
> 1\. Temmie is running a very unsavoury operation. Short answer for what exactly is tax evasion, scams and multiple types of fraud.
> 
> 2\. MK's line "You, alright? I learned it from watching you!" was (obviously) a reference to an anti-drug PSA where a father walks in on his son smoking weed.
> 
> 3\. About Frisk's flirting... I just wanted them to die that way once. Where their flirting actually gets them killed for once. Not sorry.
> 
> 4\. Surprise! The quintessential author cameo! That guy is one of my running art jokes called "The Cooler Me". Upended crescent-shaped head, square floating in the middle, fascination with custard creams... Really the only reason for this was that I had dialogue of my character trying to sell Frisk a 'Premium Custard Cream', raising the price each time Frisk refused.
> 
> 6\. Yes, Timothy is MK's canon UNDERSNORT name. Being known as "Monster Kid" just isn't enough for me. And to me, he was always a Timothy. So, there you are.
> 
> 7\. What drug is Temmie on? Well, asides from the Temmie Flakes, that'd be sugar. Sugar provides all the conceivable highs you'll need for the rest of your life, and it's legal, too!
> 
> 8\. Yeah, Undyne fought with a spear/harpoon gun. I just knew if she was even more aggressive because of her meth usage, it had to be a vicious murder weapon like that.
> 
> 9\. Yeah, the chapter's title is a reference to the song "I'm the Bad Guy" which was altered for an UNDERTALE animation by GaelRice. It's called "The Hero", but since Undyne's current actions are morally reprehensible, I added a little question mark to it.
> 
> 10\. The "bald drug cooks and burning super death swords" are a reference to two things. "bald drug cooks" references Breaking Bad as Chara rightly puts it, and the "burning super death swords" is a reference to the Windows 7 Destruction video by Joel from Vinesauce. Friggin' hilarious. Go check it out.
> 
> Lastly, apologies for the lateness. I got sick and felt like shit for a couple of days, before forcing myself to at least work a little bit on UNDERSNORT, but then I ended up writing maybe 2-3,000 words.
> 
> And remember! True heroes don't use drugs!  
> \- offbrandbiscuit


	9. 09: Divine Intervention

Boiling lava, red, rocky surfaces and thick smog that smelt of burning rubber. A huge white building in the distance, red neon letters spelling **LAB**.

"Ah, Potland," said Frisk, finally taking in their hot, hot surroundings. "Definitely doesn't rank high on my list of favourite places." They looked around aimlessly a little longer, before remembering the awful, filthy heat and deciding to hurry along. As they did so, they were rudely interrupted by their phone ringing.

"What can I say? I really _am_ a celebrity," they said, to nobody in particular. Picking up, they answered smoothly, "Hi, this is the President of the United States of America. No, this is not a prank. That's offens—"

"HUMAN! THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR JOKES!" said Papyrus indignantly, stomping his foot.

"Oh, I didn't know it was you," said Frisk, dropping the smooth talk. "Hey, how are ya?"

"I'M DOING FINE," said Papyrus. "IT WAS, ERM, MORE _YOU_ I WAS WORRIED ABOUT."

Frisk narrowed an eye. "Why's that?"

"WELL, I WAS THINKING, YOU AND I SHOULD HANG OUT WITH UNDYNE AT HER PLACE. B-BUT!" he added quickly, sensing their imminent refusal, "I KNOW YOU TWO ARE HAVING, ERM... CULTURE SHOCK?"

"In my culture, it isn't really customary to chase people down with spears because they're different than you," said Frisk dryly.

"Y-YES! THAT. WHICH IS WHY I WANTED TO BRING YOU TWO TOGETHER TO RESOLVE YOUR DIFFERENCES! I'LL BE RIGHT THERE, TRUST ME!"

They sighed twice as loudly as usual and relented. "Yeah. Fine. Should I head over there now?"

"THAT WOULD BE GREAT!" he affirmed. "I'M OUTSIDE HER HOUSE NOW!"

"Well, I guess I'll be there in a bit. Later."

"BYE-BYE FOR NOW!"

They hung up. Then nearly tore all their hair out. Then fell to their knees. "Oh my God..." they muttered, wheezing like someone not sane of mind. "He _really_ wants us to hang out...?" They stood up. "Fine. Whatever you say."

"If you want to get there quickly, I would suggest the River Person's boat," said Chara.

"Who's that?" they asked.

"Well... nobody really knows _who_ they are," said Chara. "As for their services, think of a ferry. They will take you from here all the way to Snowdi—"

" _Blow_ _din,_ Chara, let's not be racist," they quipped.

Chara tossed their hair, giving Frisk another frustrated look. "All. The way. To Snowdin. If you so please."

"Cool, sounds great," they said. "Where're they at?"

"Up ahead. Turn right and go down the stairs," said Chara. "They... have a way of knowing when someone needs to travel."

"That's slightly ominous," said Frisk, heading down the stairs. There was an old, decrepit wooden raft with a cloaked figure at its helm.

"Tra la la," he said blandly. "I am the River Man. Or am I the River Woman? Truthfully, it does not matter. Would you like to come for a ride on my boat?"

"Honestly, no," said Frisk. "But, take me to Waterfall anyway."

"That will be the grand total of fifty gold," said the River Person.

Frisk snorted. "Is that plus molestation?" they jabbed.

"You are quite the joker," said the River Person, in that annoying, ethereal voice. "As am I. The ride is free." The boat began moving, seemingly of its own accord, sailing down the water-filled tunnel.

"Tra la la. Monsters, humans, flowers," they said slowly and deliberately. "Tra la la. Beware of those not in this plane of being."

Frisk just kept as far away from the River Person as physically possible. _Yeah, I don't trust this sucker one bit. Who do they think they are, a prophet?_

"Nobody really knows," said Chara. "They just... appeared one day."

_That's even more reason for me not to trust 'em._

"We have arrived," the River Person was saying. "Thank you, come again."

"H-huh?" asked Frisk, looking around. It had barely been a minute. "Are you absolutely _sure_ this is Waterfall?"

"I am quite sure," they answered. Frisk looked around. It sure as hell looked like it.

"Huh..." they mused. "Well, okay then. Thanks."

They stepped off the boat and headed into a familiar room. The Waterfall CORE entrance and the three pathways. They knew where the middle and right lead, so they presumed the left was to Undyne's house. Crossing themselves, they headed over. Papyrus was waiting near the front door with a plush toy in his hand. Someone (most likely Undyne) was playing the piano inside. Whoever it was was pretty good.

"OH, HELLO THERE, HUMAN!" he greeted. "ARE YOU FEELING GOOD? FEELING SNAZZY?" Before Frisk could answer, he said, "ALRIGHT, EXCELLENT!" He raised his arm, ready to knock on the door. He froze. "OH, AND BEFORE I FORGET..." he raised the plushy. "GIVE THIS TO UNDYNE, SHE COLLECTS THEM!"

"Will do."

Papyrus knocked a jaunty rhythm on the door, the piano almost immediately stopping. Frisk quickly SAVED behind his back.

"The anticipation of getting thrashed fills you with determination."

The jaw-like doors opened. Undyne was leaning in the doorway, dressed in a black singlet and jeans. "Hey, Papyrus!" she greeted enthusiastically. "So, ready for your super-secret, one-on-one training?"

"YOU BET I AM!" said Papyrus twice as enthusiastically. "AND, I BROUGHT A FRIEND!" He stepped out of the way, leaving Frisk in plain view.

"Okay, that kinda defeats the purpose of one-on-one, but WHATEVER!" said Undyne. "Hi there! I don't believe we've—" her eye rested on Frisk and she stopped. Frisk tossed a casual finger gun at her. "Yo."

Her face adopted first a confused expression. Then indignant. Then that hateful expression they knew all too well as she looked from Papyrus to them, then Papyrus again.

"Why don't. You two. Come in," she said tonelessly, not even bothering to see either of them inside.

The two entered her house. The walls were covered in a blue wallpaper with a pink fish pattern. The floor was a blue and yellow tile design. Sure enough, there was a grand piano over to the left. There was an oven, fridge and kitchen counter at the other end of the room. There was also a table with a spread on with (surprise, surprise) a fish design on it. Nearby, there was an oversized sword that seemed out of place in a room like this. Unless she planned on cutting vegetables with what looked like a generic anime weapon.

"Nice place," was the best they could give her.

Undyne's fists jerked, as if she were trying to restrain herself from choking Frisk to death in front of Papyrus. She turned to the latter, forcing a smile. "So, how have you been?"

"VERY GOOD, THANK YOU!" he replied. "BY THE WAY, MY FRIEND GOT YOU A GIFT!" he held up the plush toy. Frisk was able to see now that it resembled an overflowing mug of beer.

"Er— how nice," said Undyne, clearly embarrassed by the whole affair. "I'll, uh, put it with the others." She opened one of the kitchen drawers, placing it inside. Frisk noticed that it was full to overflowing with beer plush toys.

"So, are you ready to start our—" Undyne was saying, but Papyrus quickly interrupted. "OOOOH! I FEEL TERRIBLE ALL OF A SUDDEN! I MUST BE COMING DOWN WITH SOMETHING," he said, glancing around suspiciously. "I'LL BE BACK IN A JIFFY!"

Then, without another word, he ran towards the window, leaping out of it. The glass shattered, the pieces scattering nearby.

So, that left just the mortal enemies.

She turned to Frisk, a sour look on her face. "So, why are you here?" she asked. "To rub your victory in my face? IS THAT IT?" she shouted, stepping forward menacingly.

They decided to play dumb. "Oh, I won?" they asked. "If that's so, then where's my trophy?"

Undyne growled. "Then why the hell ARE you here? Wait..." A look of realisation crossed her features. She pointed directly at them, accusing. "You think that I'll be FRIENDS with you!"

"I honestly don't think that's in the cards for either of us," said Frisk, shaking their head.

Undyne stared back at them, outraged. "Well, fuck you too!" she said. "First you waltz right into my house and then you INSULT me?" She scoffed. "Think you're too good for me, huh?"

"I think I don't wanna be associated with an attempted child murderer," they replied, leaning back against the wall.

Undyne looked like she wanted nothing more than to remove their vital organs as slowly as possible. "You little punk," she breathed. "I have half a mind to beat your arse right now..."

"Why not?" said Frisk boredly. "Do it. Let's throw down, right here, right now. I'm sure Papyrus will come to your aid when he's done puking."

There was a dull crackle, telling them she was about to summon a spear. They mentally prepared themselves. The crackle fell to a hum, then fell away completely. "No. You know what? I'm gonna prove you _wrong._ We're gonna be friends," she said, with a fiendish grin. "Special friends."

"I'm not ready for a benefits friendship," they said, shrugging.

Undyne gave them a murderous glare, but continued her spiel. "I'm gonna make you like me so GODDAMN much... that your fuckin' LIFE revolves around me!" She threw back her head. "FUHUHUHUHUHUHUHU! Now!" She clapped her hands, rubbing them together. "Take a seat, new friend."

Frisk gave a snort. "No."

She looked straight at them. "Take a seat," she repeated in monotone.

"Uh, no thanks, I don't think so," said Frisk, backing away. "You can fuck _right_ off."

"You're in my house, so take a seat," she said, steering them into a chair at the table while they muttered darkly under their breath. She gave them a yellow toothed grin. "So, whaddaya wanna talk about?"

"Uh..." they looked around, spotting the grand piano over in the corner. "You... play the piano?"

"Yeah, I do," she said. "That reminds me of that one time Alphys's, uh..." She scratched her chin. " _Friend?_ came over. All that jackass did was lie seductively on MY piano and feed himself MY grapes!" She scowled. "I _hate_ that guy. But I guess I gotta admire his lifestyle."

They gave her an uninterested look. "Okay. What's with the huge-ass sword over there?"

"Oh yeah, Alphys built that for me," she explained. "She builds a lotta stuff for me, actually. According to her, humans wielded swords up to TEN times their size! Isn't that crazy?" she asked, an energetic grin on her face. "That _is_ true, right?"

"That's a big no," Frisk replied. "There is no way anyone can hold something that's literally ten times bigger than them. I mean, they could _drag_ it, but..."

Undyne gave a harsh laugh. "You can't lie to me, punk. I've _seen_ her books on human history! I've seen firsthand your giant, sadistic killer robots and their explosive lemons!"

"That's a big no too," they said. "But sure, believe in a video game." Undyne gave them a quizzical look, but didn't go further. "You said she builds you a lot of things?"

She nodded. "Hell yeah, she does! I mean, even my fridge—" she gestured at the red fridge behind her. "Heats stuff up instead of cooling it down. I can't _stand_ cold food," she clarified.

"Right..."

"Apparently, she even built Mettaton. You know, that entertainment robot." She snarled. "But she builds a lot of great stuff to compensate. Like her current magical engineering project."

"Oh, uh... what's that?"

"She's replicating human soul magic and condensing it into a form that makes it accessible to _anyone_. She's hit a bit of a roadblock though. Somebody broke into her lab and stole Purple Mode. She reckons it was an inside job," she said.

"So, it's out there? Somewhere?" said Frisk.

She nodded. "Yeah. That's what's got her all worked up. Somebody's out there with possible criminal intentions and they've got a hold of it. But, enough about that," she said. "Are ya thirsty? Want somethin' to drink?"

"Uh, sure. I guess."

She crossed the room to the cupboard, taking out a box, a carton, a saucer, and a plastic bottle, laying them all out on the kitchen bench. She turned to Frisk, still smiling widely. "All set!"

Frisk was still for a moment, wondering if she was going to bring them over. She didn't. So, they began to get up.

A loud buzz filled the air and the table was instantly split in two by a well-aimed spear. "HEY!" shouted Undyne. "DON'T GET UP! YOU'RE THE GUEST! SIT DOWN AND ENJOY YOURSELF!"

"Holy shit, are you insane?" they yelled. "You split your goddamned table in half!"

Undyne was frozen, as if locked in thought, before chuckling nervously, saying, "Uh, why not just point to what you want with the spear?"

"Sure!" they said, yanking the spear out and pointing it at her. She narrowed an eye.

"Are you... FLIRTING with me?"

"Are you trying to kill me?" they retorted, swivelling the spear to the blue carton.

"Ah, hot chocolate," said Chara fondly.

"Sorry, but no," she said. "I stopped getting it a while ago. It became too much of a hassle. Asgore kept getting marshmallows stuck in his beard!" she chortled.

Frisk adjusted the spear so the tip pointed at the bottle of sickly-yellow liquid. This prompted quite a passionate spiel.

"Seriously?" demanded Undyne. "You don't even look HAPPY about your choice! WHICH IS TOTALLY FINE!" she insisted. "Soda rots your teeth! IT ROTS YOUR FIGHTING SPIRIT!"

"Then why do you have it, huh?" they countered.

This seemed to be to shut her down. She rubbed her arm sheepishly. "Uh..."

"Let me guess, I can't have the sugar either," said Frisk.

She looked stricken. "Are you friggin' KIDDING me? Warriors don't do drugs! Or was it winners?" She looked off into the distance. "Was it even drugs to begin with?"

"Can I just get some water then?" they asked.

Undyne snarled. _Oops. Hit a nerve._ "WATER? That's boring! A necessity! This is about what you WANT!"

"Okay, you know what, I'm outta here," said Frisk, getting up and walking to the door. "Thanks for nothing."

"HEY!" she shouted. "Why not have a cup of tea?"

They grit their teeth. "Fine. Fucking _fine._ " They sat back down at the table.

She smiled awfully sweetly. "Coming right up!" She set the kettle to boil, then sat at the wrecked table. "Sorry about the table, I guess. I get a little overexcited, y'know?"

"Oh, that's fine," said Frisk. "It's not my table."

Undyne snickered. "Yeah... The furniture store doesn't really like me," she said. "I break a lot of 'em."

"So, about the time you tried to break _me..._ "

"Oh, right..." said Undyne, frowning. "That's just, uh, my job, y'know? Nothing personal."

"Oh, really?" they said unamusedly. They lifted their shirt up to show her their many bruises, then rolled their sleeves up, showing off the cuts and nicks from spears and other attacks. "Seemed kinda personal to me."

She looked genuinely discomforted. "Yeah... I guess it was. I mean, if it's any consolation, you aren't _that_ bad, I guess."

"Yeah, I feel _really_ consoled," they said sarcastically.

They sat there in silence for a little bit, until the kettle started whistling. She got up from the table, heading over to the stovetop. She retrieved two saucers from the cupboard and placed a tea bag in each.

 _Jesus, she doesn't even have an electric kettle. What a dinosaur,_ they thought.

"Sugar?"

"Hell no."

"I like that."

She poured boiling water from the kettle into both cups, then set it back on the stovetop.

"Normally, I make it the traditional way," Undyne explained, carrying the two cups over to the table, "but this way's quicker. Oh, and be careful, it's hot."

Frisk didn't give any sign that they had heard her. She waited a moment, before bursting out, "Oh come on! It's not _that_ hot!"

Frisk, an adept tea drinker, sipped quickly. Unluckily for them, they had not had a cup in a few days, forgetting the short, two-minute waiting period they usually established. As a result, it was burning hot. They tried not to show any surprise or pain, keeping their poker face steady.

"It's burning. But other than that, it's good."

"Good, huh?" said Undyne, smiling bashfully. "Actually, it's kinda funny you chose _that_ specific tea."

_Not like I had a choice, it was the only tea you had out._

"Golden flower tea," she said, as though she were reading the back of the packet. "That's Asgore's favourite."

"Really?" asked Frisk, though it came out sounding more pained than it should have.

She nodded. "Y'know, come to think of it, you remind me a lot of Asgore. You're both total dorks!" she chuckled. "Well, sorta."

"That's why you like it?" they asked, taking a much more careful sip of theirs.

"Every time I come over, he offers me a cup of tea. You try saying no to that face!" she chortled. "Glad I didn't. This stuff's really good."

"So, what's he like?" asked Frisk, drinking some more of it.

"Well, how do I put this? He's a sweet fuzzball! Everyone loves him!" said Undyne. "He couldn't hurt a fly! In fact, he's the one who taught me how to fight. But you could argue he spent more time teaching me how to get _out_ of a fight."

"Doesn't sound like a guy who collected six human souls."

"Most of them were brought to him by others," she said. "I heard a rumour that Sans, that lazy bastard, delivered one personally to the king. But, _really_?" She asked. "He's so lazy he falls asleep doin' sentry work."

Frisk swallowed. "Yeah..."

"I think, deep down... He's too afraid to hurt anyone. Too afraid to kill anyone. Doesn't want it on his conscious."

"Murder by proxy," said Frisk, swilling the contents of their saucer lazily, taking a gulp of it.

"Don't be an ass," she said irritably. "Ever since the sixth, he's been looking _awful._ I think that was one he killed himself."

"Cheerful," they replied.

"Yeah..." she sighed. "That's why I have to fight. He helped me get into the Royal Guard. He's not just my boss, he's my friend. He's not a murderer. He doesn't need that shit on his mind."

"You must be real good friends, then."

"Yeah. We are," she said. She had a nostalgic twinge in her eye. "I met him back when I was a kid. I was the hot-headed type. I got all gutsy one day and challenged him to a fight. I don't even know _why_ ," she laughed. "Anyway, he accepted. Boy, was I in for a surprise..." She smiled. "He didn't even fight back. All he did was just dodge until I wore myself out. I was real humiliated. Then, later on, he sidles on up to me, says some real goofy shit. Somethin' about like, 'Excuse me, do you want to know how to beat me?'."

"Love your enemies," said Frisk. "That's why the Pope's never been shot."

Undyne rolled her eye, but continued. "Anyways, I said yes, he started training me, and here we are!" she sighed appreciatively. "I owe a whole lot to him. Friends, good job, fun..."

Frisk downed the last of their tea.

"Oh, and, uh... on that subject, don't tell him I said this, but I don't think I'll ever be able to let Papyrus into the Royal Guard."

They frowned. "Why not?"

"Well, it sure as hell isn't because he's weak. He's actually pretty friggin' tough!" she insisted, grinning her toothy grin. "It's just that he's... he's too innocent and naive to hurt anyone."

"Yeah, I guess that makes sense."

"That's why I got him that cookbook," she explained. "I wanted him to be able to pursue _something_ that made him happy."

"Well, his spaghetti wasn't that bad, so he must've been doing well," said Frisk.

"Yeah," Undyne agreed. She downed all of her tea in one go, then got up to refill her cup. "Drunk all yours? Want another cup?"

Before Frisk could answer, she started speaking again. "Wait a sec. Papyrus was supposed to have his cooking lesson today. And if he isn't here to have it...

"THEN YOU'LL HAVE TO HAVE IT FOR HIM!"

She leapt onto the counter, knocking everything off of it.

"Seriously?" asked Frisk.

She looked down at Frisk, flashing a smile at them. "You bet your arse it is! Nothing has bought Papyrus and I closer than cooking!" She front-flipped off the counter, throwing open a drawer, pressing a button hidden on the back wall. The kitchen counter and drawers spun around, changing in an instant. Now, there were containers and vials and flasks and cabinets filled with ingredients that Frisk was quite sure were highly illegal instead of regular kitchen equipment.

"If I give you his lesson, we'll become the BEST of friends!" she hollered. Frisk was busy trying to figure out how to send Papyrus a message blaming him for everything that was about to transpire.

"C'mon, punk! Let's get cookin'! NGAAH!" Undyne picked Frisk up by the fluffy collar of their coat, jumping over the table and across to the kitchen, which should be more appropriately named 'Undyne's secret drug lab'. They barely had any time to protest before they were right in front of the lab.

"Let me get this straight," said Frisk, "You give him _drug cooking_ lessons?"

"What? HELL NO!" she snorted. "This is for you, and you only, punk!"

"For God's sake, Undyne. I'm no Walter White!" they insisted.

"Neither am I, but you don't have to be!" she insisted.

They sighed. Maybe they'd just play along for now, until they had an opening to get away. "What am I doing, then?"

"I need ya to get some stuff from the storage cabinet," she said. Frisk crossed over to the cabinet in question. "What do you need?"

"Some ethyl ether," she replied, as if reading off a list. "It's labelled. They're _all_ labelled."

They retrieved one bottle of the stuff, handing it to her. They felt her cold fingers ghost over theirs as she took the bottle. "Red phosphorus."

"Isn't that the same stuff used in match heads?" they asked.

She nodded. "Very same."

"Seems like some pretty poisonous shit to put in your body," they commented, trying to sound indifferent, but they caught Undyne's snarl out of the corner of their eye.

The phosphorus was in a bottle, just like all the others. They gave it to her, who instructed them to get a bottle marked ephedrine.

"So, uh... what's that?"

"Eh, just another ingredient," she said, shrugging. "They're all just ingredients to me."

"Alphys would disagree," they said.

She looked suspicious for a moment, but shrugged it off. "Yeah, she would. These ingredients all play a vital role in the creation of meth, but only Alphys could tell you what those are."

Pushing their luck, Frisk went further. "I thought you said warriors didn't use drugs."

She blushed. "Erm, ah... did I say that?"

"Yeah. You did."

She squirmed a bit. "I-I... don'trememberthat," she said in one quick stream.

They rolled their eyes. _This is bullshit._

"Anyway, uh..." she was saying, trying to pick up where she'd left off, "Ephedrine's pretty easy to get. You can get it in pills or you can extract it from its plant matter. That's easy, 'cause Asgore taught me a bit about gardening," she added. "So, I can always go to the garden store and get some."

"Very resourceful of you," they said sarcastically.

"I'll take that as a compliment," she said. They dug through the multitude of bottles in her storage cabinet. "So, did Alphys make this weird hidden lab?"

"Yeah, she sure did," said Undyne, before hesitating. "Don't tell anyone that. She might, er, get in trouble?"

"Why might that be?"

"Er... I dunno, just being cautious!" she insisted.

They sighed. _Fuck._

After a minute of searching, they found the bottle marked ephedrine. It was filled with a strange powder. They handed it to her, trying to look happy.

Undyne strolled over to a cooler, retrieving a bottle of water. "Distilled," she clarified. "It's cheap, no reason to use that crap from the tap. Gotta do things right, y'know?"

"If you say so, I guess," they said, with a sigh.

"Muriatic acid," said Undyne. Frisk gave it to her.

"Lye."

Frisk looked up at her, their normally droopy eyelids wide-open. "Undyne, what the—?"

"It's just an _ingredient_!" said Undyne, rolling her eye.

"That shit can _kill_ you!" Frisk protested.

"Kill, bill," said Undyne. "It's only a little bit. Now are you gonna hand it to me or what, new best friend?"

"Dude, this is just fucked up," they said, taking a step back. "If you wanna poison yourself, you can make that crap your fucking self." They turned around and headed for the door. A bunch of spears thrust out of the ground, blocking the door. "Are you fucking serious?"

"Come on!" she said impatiently. "Let's get to work, punk!"

They clenched their fists, head throbbing. They kicked the bit of unobstructed door violently, before turning back and getting back to business.

Undyne instructed them to spray starter fluid into a bottle until it was half-full. They didn't question why she needed starter fluid. For all they knew, it was just another nasty ingredient in this fucked-up recipe.

"Alrighty, now fill the rest with water. After you've done that, shake it for five minutes. Then, let it sit for a minute or two," said Undyne. They obeyed. Not a word was exchanged during those minutes.

"Good," she said. "Now tap the side."

"What does that have to do with literally anythi—"

"Just fucking _tap_ it, kid!" she shouted.

Frisk quickly tapped it.

"That's good," she said encouragingly. "Now, uncap it."

As they did, she passed them an eyedropper. "Draw off the layer of ether. Oh, and be careful," said Undyne. "It's flammable and an anaesthetic. Try not to inhale too much."

_Way to calm my nerves._

Frisk tried to calm themselves as they siphoned off the ether. Their arm wouldn't stop shaking. They had to grip it with their other hand to stop them from making a potential mistake that killed them both.

"That's great, punk!" she cheered. "You're a natural."

"Yeah," they said, without emotion. "Great."

"Throw away the cloudy layer."

Frisk did just that.

"Good. Now, just repeat it until you've got, eh, about point four kilos of ether."

It was boring, and also really messed up, but Frisk had no other choice. So, they kept going.

Once they had enough, Undyne gave them the next set of instructions. "Alright, rinse the other bottle. Ethyl's pretty fuckin' pungent."

Frisk's shaking hands grasped the tap. They turned the tap on. They filled the bottle, then dumped the contents in the sink. Then rinse and repeat until Undyne was satisfied.

"Alright, now this is where things get serious, punk," said Undyne. "If you're not careful, you _will_ blow us up. And if you do, I will suplex a boulder from beyond the grave and smash it over your head until the end of time."

Frisk swallowed. "Okay..."

"Okay, pour the lye crystals into the bottle of ephedrine, then just agitate it a little, but carefully!" she warned. "That shit gets hot."

Frisk snorted. "Fuck no! You wanna get blown up, _you_ do it!"

Undyne rolled her eyes. "Fine. Fuckin' baby, sheesh..."

She poured the lye into the bottle and gave it a gentle shake. It sparked a little. She shook it a little more. It hissed like a snake waking from hibernation, giving off little spirals of gas.

"That's hydrogen gas," Undyne explained. "Lighter than the air we breathe. And explosive, so, y'know.

"Now..."

Frisk continued following her instructions. It felt like they'd been there for fucking _hours._ Eventually, they got to a point where Undyne asked for a bond.

"What, like James Bond?" they said sarcastically.

"Again, don't be an ass," she scowled. "There's a lil' cabinet for bonds over there."

They opened it. Meaningless names glared back at them from the labels of bottles.

"Any of 'em are fine, just don't use any from the back row," she added. "Haven't tested 'em yet."

They took a random bottle at the front row and handed it to Undyne. She rubbed her hands together. "Great! Now all I need to do is add this..." She dripped a few little droplets of the bond into the bottle of lye and ephedrine.

Two things happened at that moment, both of which were pretty important.

Firstly, there was a loud knocking at Undyne's door. She froze and called out, "Who is it?"

"Royal Guard!" a gruff voice called back. "You are wanted under charges of narcotics production."

She was barely listening though, because her eyes were drawn to the second thing that happened. Whatever bond she had used was clearly an untested one, because the whole thing had caught fire. Not a big one, but small flames licking at the neck of the bottle. Still reason to be concerned.

"Fuck!" she hissed, grabbing Frisk by the shoulders. "I thought I told ya not to use the ones at the back!"

"I didn't!"

Horror filled her expression. "Oh fuck. We gotta get rid of it."

"Throwing it in water won't help, will it?" said Frisk, knowing the answer before it even came.

"Yeah," said Undyne, who was visibly freaking out. "Oh god oh fuck. Whaddawe do? They're at the door, this shit's flaming away—" she smacked herself in the face with a hand. "We're screwed! Done for!"

"Fuck that, _you're_ screwed!" they said, shoving her away. "I didn't ask to cook fucking _meth_ _!_ I'm not going down with you for this bullshit."

"Open up!"

"Yea-heh, just a moment!" Undyne shouted, then turned back to Frisk. She opened her mouth to say something, but they silenced her. They were looking over at the countertop.

"Where does that lab go to when it spins around?"

"My room," she replied.

"That thing's gonna explode soon," they said. "If we spin it around and amplify the explosion somehow, we can blow a hole in the back of your house and escape."

"But there's nothing back there!" Undyne protested. "I—" she stopped.

"What?"

"There _is_ an old tunnel system back there," said Undyne. "It was part of a mine decommissioned a long time ago. Entry was sealed over with rocks. Too heavy for even _I_ to move. But if we blow it up—"

"—we can escape," Frisk finished. "But, are you sure you know where those tunnels even _go_?"

"Yeah," said Undyne. "My dad used to work in the mines. Know 'em _fairly_ well. And there's still signposts down there that should tell us where to go."

"Let's get started!" said Frisk urgently, rushing over to the cabinet full of bonds.

"I thought ya just said you wanted nothing to do with this," said Undyne.

"I'm doing this for me, you crazy bitch," said Frisk. "I'm not dying on account of your dumb ass."

"Fair enough," she admitted. "I gotta spin the lab around. I'll break down the wall of my room, and we can toss it at the tunnel."

She was hurrying towards the doorway when an agitated call of "open fire!" rang out. Just like that, spears flew through the window, slamming into the wall. Undyne dropped to her knees. "Get down!" she hollered. Frisk did just that.

"Break down the door!" called the voice. "Use your head if ya have to!"

Then, a wimpier, more feeble voice: "B-but I don't wanna use my head!"

"Where's the button?" Frisk yelled.

"Middle drawer!" Undyne fired back.

Frisk slammed the button with their fist. The lab began turning. "Start breaking down that wall!" Frisk ordered.

Undyne conjured a spear out of nowhere, crawling through the door. "Keep 'em busy!" she yelled.

"How?" asked Frisk.

"Damned if I know!" said Undyne, bashing the spear against the wall. "This wall's reinforced, it'll take a few!"

"Then fucking _take a few!_ " they shouted, grabbing a chair and smashing the window closest with it. Glass rained down from above.

Without even _thinking_ about what was happening, a blue, flaming blue flew out of their hand and out the window, hitting a wall, ricocheting off and bouncing all over. They were partly stupified by the fact they just used magic, and by the fact it was so fucking weak. Still, a clearly aimed attack was easy to dodge. An erratic one could make everyone keep their heads down.

A spear was thrown through the window, while there was more banging at the door.

"You're going to want a Barrier spell for the door," said Chara.

"I don't even know _how!_ " said Frisk desperately. "I didn't even do that one, it just—"

"If you would calm down for a moment, I will tell you," they said stiffly. "Focus everything on this. Magic relies on _your_ meaning. Your desires, your hopes, your dreams..."

Frisk scrunched up their face, trying to concentrate. "That isn't necessary."

They relaxed their face. A red, translucent Barrier appeared before the door.

"Good," they praised. "If someone breaks through it, that's because you're distracted. Keep your focus on it."

They nodded. There was a crash from Undyne's room. "I'm through!" she shouted. "Let's ditch 'em!"

"Got it!" they replied, scooping up the bonds and carrying them into Undyne's room. Sure as shit, the lab was there.

"Throw 'em on!" said Undyne. "Don't bother uncapping 'em!"

"We have to add some kind of extra fuel," they muttered. "Fuel..." They snapped their fingers. "Get the starter fluid!"

Undyne looked disturbed, as though she were witnessing a completely different person talk to her, but she did it. The flames had spread but were in danger of dying out before they resulted in an explosion. Frisk dug around in their pocket and retrieved the notebook. "Thank you, fellow intellectual," they breathed, throwing it open and tearing out shreds of paper. They stuffed it in the neck of the bottle. Undyne banged the starter fluid on the bench.

"Be careful, for God's sake," she said.

They squirted some of the fluid onto it. Flames were beginning to creep up from underneath the paper...

Undyne tossed Frisk a pair of oven mitts. "It'll be hot as a bitch, so use these!" she insisted.

They slipped them on. They grabbed the bottle and hurled it at the cracked rock wall. Undyne grabbed their arm and dragged them into the front room as it flew through the air. "This one's gonna be—"

They didn't finish. The loudest explosion they'd ever heard in their life echoed throughout the caverns. Had they not clapped their hands over their ears in time, they may have been rendered deaf. All they knew as the smoke cleared was that the Royal Guard had stopped attacking.

They coughed, a loud, dry, hacking cough that tore at their throat. Smoke was filling the room. They threw off the oven mitts. "C'mon..." they gasped. "Let's get the fuck outta here."

The two ran through the smoke towards the mines. The Royal Guard had resumed shouting and were most likely storming the house already. One thing was for sure: Undyne had a _really_ thorough knowledge of the tunnels. Maybe it was just the signposts, but they honestly didn't care. All the while, Undyne was throwing spears at the roof they left behind, leaving rubble in their wake.

They reached a crossroad. Undyne saw the exit just up ahead. She conjured a spear that had a faint orange hue to it.

"You'll... wanna stand back. This one blows up too," she added.

"Of course it does."

She threw it at the wall with the EXIT sign above it. The spear flashed orange and white, alternating for a few seconds while Frisk and Undyne tried to shield their faces and cover their ears at the same time.

It exploded. But the sound... it was about as loud as a phone ringing. This made Undyne laugh. "Sheesh, Alphys. Coulda told me before ya gave it to me."

Then, she practically dragged them out the exit.

* * *

After an uneventful trek back to Blowdin, they stopped by Sans and Papyrus's house. Papyrus allowed them in when he saw how beaten and tired they both looked.

"WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING, RUNNING FROM THE COPS?" he gasped.

"Maybe I'm not one anymore," Undyne replied, grinning ruefully.

Papyrus looked confused. "HUH?"

"Long story short, there's a warrant for my arrest goin' around," said Undyne. "The Royal Guard showed up. This punk helped me escape," they added, ruffling Frisk's hair.

"Never do that again," said Frisk, giving her a deadpan look.

"Uh... right. Anyway, I guess we aren't doing cooking lessons for a while until this all blows over."

"OH, I UNDERSTAND!" said Papyrus, nodding his head seriously. "SO, I TAKE IT YOUR HOUSE IS UNINHABITABLE?"

"Actually, it's got a large hole in the back and probably smells nasty," Undyne clarified. "So, yeah."

"HOW DID _THAT_ HAPPEN?" asked Papyrus.

"We blew it up," Undyne replied, giving a toothy grin.

"OH NO!" he said dramatically. "THIS DAY WILL BE REMEMBERED AS THE DAY WHEN A WHOLE COLONY OF BUILD-A-BEERS DIED TRAGICALLY..."

Undyne went red. "Oh, yeah..."

"NONETHELESS, YOU CAN STAY HERE UNTIL WE FIND YOU SUITABLE ACCOMMODATION!" Papyrus offered. "YOU CAN LAY LOW HERE ANYTIME!"

"Thanks, Papyrus," said Undyne gratefully. "By the way, I kinda need you to never talk about this. Me, staying here... it has to be a secret."

"BUT OF COURSE!" said Papyrus. 

"Thanks, man. Hey, mind if me and Frisk talk alone for a sec?"

"NOT AT ALL, NOT AT ALL!"

He left the room.

"So, punk," she said, leaning back in the lounge, "I just wanna say, I really appreciate what you did for me."

"I didn't do it for you, I did it for me."

"Yeah, I get that," she said. "But you _did_ help me. So... you're alright, punk."

"Well then, can I ask you a favour?"

"So long as it ain't money, sure."

"Just stop the drugs and shit, alright?"

She sighed. "Yeah... I was pretty much high every time you saw me."

"Don't even do it for me," said Frisk. "Do it for _him._ You mean a lot to him."

"I-I dunno, kid," she said, sounding agitated. "It isn't even _nice_! It's just the inevitable high." She glanced at the TV, which was currently displaying an MTT quiz show. "It's a crock of shit, and I _know_ my life'd be so much better if I quit it, but..."

"But?"

"I don't know if I'll be able to," she admitted.

"Papyrus was a coke-snorter," they said. "I found his stash when we were chillin'. I persuaded him to stop and he promised to try. He's been sober ever since then. If he can do it, you can."

Undyne was silent a moment. Then, she chuckled. "Thanks, kid. I really do appreciate it. I promise I'll try. For Papyrus. For Alphys."

"That's good."

Sans chose this moment to come down the stairs. "'ey, hombre," he greeted. "'sup, undyne?"

"Nearly got arrested, house blew up, staying here indefinitely," she replied.

"meh," said Sans. "doesn't bother me."

"I need to stay the night," said Frisk.

Sans snorted. "hell no. you used up all my hospitality. unless... you wanna run another errand for me?"

"How about no," said Frisk sourly. Sans just shrugged.

"Stay at the inn," suggested Undyne. "I'll have Papyrus call the Royal Guard and say that I told him I'd be heading out to Potland. Helps the heat die down, y'know?"

"You do that," they said, heading out the door.

* * *

Undyne sure was right. Nobody asked any questions other than if they would pay upfront or later. Frisk elected to pay upfront, hoping that would put them in the owner's good books. They also inquired as to if they could wash their clothes somewhere. The inn's owner explained that there was a laundry service that would take care of it.

Frisk headed to their room after receiving the key. It was... how did they put this? two-star. And everyone knows that two-star hotels of any kind are the worst places to find yourself in, and that came after a Siberian gulag.

But, they weren't complaining. At least they didn't have to sleep on the streets. They emptied their pockets of all their possessions, placing them in the bedside table's drawer. The kitchen, they noticed, appeared to have seen some drug use. They shook their head at the sight. The bathroom seemed to have a jet engine masquerading as the fan. It was painfully loud, but nowhere near as bad as the explosion that had shaken the house earlier.

"Chara, you there?"

"Always," they answered.

"I need you not to be for a minute. I gotta take a shower."

"That's wonderful," said Chara. "I can't leave. The best I can do is not appear here."

Frisk sighed. "Ugh. Fine. I appreciate it."

They waited for a moment until they were sure Chara was 'gone'. Then, they turned the taps on until warm water was pouring out of the shower head. They stripped down and stepped in. The water soaked them in an instant. They let out a contented sigh as they felt four, maybe five, maybe even six days worth of filth being washed away.

Through the thick cloud of steam that was in the process of being sucked away by the ironically weak fan, they reached for the bottles of shampoo and conditioner they hoped were there. _Probably not though,_ they reasoned. _After all, I'll bet the bed's filled with creepy-crawlies and smells like a meth lab._ A grin curled onto their face. The only upside was that now they'd be able to tell people with certainty what meth labs _really_ smelled like.

Their fingers found the two bottles. They took one, opening an eye the tiniest fraction to read the label. By luck, they'd picked up the bottle of conditioner. They stepped underneath the water, letting it soak their brown hair. Then, stepping back, they poured a liberal amount of conditioner into their open palm and rubbed it through their hair. After a relaxing two repetitions of this process, they stepped underneath the water again, rinsing it out. Then, the shampoo. They made sure to massage it into their scalp as well as their hair. Then, after rinsing _that_ out, they took the soap, which carried that smell all hotel soaps were known for, transferring some of it to their hands, rubbing it into their skin. After that too was rinsed off, they wrenched the taps back. The water flow ceased.

They stepped out, wrapping themselves in a towel, then taking another for their hair. They dried that to the best of their abilities and brushed it, for it is a fact universally acknowledged that after drying wet hair, it gets knotted. Then, after that was all done, they searched for the hotel-issue dressing gown they were sure was legally required. They found it in the bedroom closet. They put it on, then went to deposit their clothes at the inn's laundry.

After that was all done, they felt exhaustion finally sinking in. Despite all their senses telling them to just collapse on the bed, they felt like they had to eat _something_ before resting. So, they ate another piece of the quiche, which seemed to stare back at them in disbelief. _You're eating me. You're eating me again. I thought you loved me._

"The quiche no longer believes in me."

After that, they tiredly climbed into bed. They registered the fact the sheets were nylon and snickered once more. Then, they were lying comfortably. Despite their tiredness, they still took a few hours to fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, chapter nine is done! I hope you enjoyed this, because I sure as hell enjoyed writing it!
> 
> Please, no Deltarune-related stuff in the reviews, by the way. Yes, I've played the game, and hell yes, I think it's Toby's best work so far. The animation is really fluid and the sprite work is actually nice and consistent for once. No, my favourite character is not Ralsei. Kris is the MVP. Lancer's also pretty sweet.
> 
> Now, time for... ba-duh-dah-duh-DAH—! Chapter Trivia™!
> 
> 1\. The "anticipation of getting thrashed" is a reference to the many thrashing lines that Susie has in Deltarune.
> 
> 2\. The beer plush toys are (again) a reference to the Ask Drunk Chara comic. Undyne likes a beer as much as your average person, so in it went.
> 
> 3\. The "explosive lemons" and "giant sadistic robots" line is a reference to Portal.
> 
> 4\. "ARE WE FEELING GOOD? FEELING SNAZZY? ALRIGHT, EXCELLENT!" is a reference to a frequent catchphrase of HABIT's from EverymanHYBRID: "How are we feelin'? We feelin' good? Feelin' sassy?"
> 
> 5\. A lot of the lines from the beginning of the hangout are from the TribeTwelve episode "Severance", which crossovered with one of EverymanHYBRID's antagonists, HABIT.
> 
> 6\. "Warriors don't do drugs" is a reference to an old anti-drugs PSA that goes "And remember! Winners don't do drugs!"
> 
> 7\. I tried to get in-detail for Undyne's drug-cooking lesson. I did serious, extensive research on the process and ingredients needed to make meth (again, NO, I did NOT watch Breaking Bad). I am not a drug user or cook. I'm aware that meth can fuck up not just your life, but your face (yeah, I just pulled a Hunt Down the Freeman reference on your ass). So, that's why I gotta stress not to go looking for guides on how to make drugs. Like Undyne said, it's very easy to get the ingredients. So, please. Don't do dumb shit.
> 
> 8\. Undyne's "kill, bill" line comes from that classic "warning, shmorning". But, I couldn't resist the temptation of adding yet another reference. The reference is to the film Kill Bill, if you aren't aware.
> 
> 9\. Yeah, the "I don't wanna use my head" is a reference to Toy Story 2. Sue me, Disney/Pixar.
> 
> 10\. "The quiche no longer believes in me" is a reference to FlamesAtGames's Disbelief animation. I had to.
> 
> 11\. The chapter's name is a reference to a Fallout 4 mission where you have to help a companion get a drug called Addictol to cure their addiction to Psycho, which is a lot like meth.
> 
> 12\. And lastly, the constant two-star hotel jokes. Those reference an old episode of Jeremy Clarkson's chat show, Clarkson. One episode was a humorous mockery of two-star hotels, and I had to go with it. Blowdin is practically a ghetto, so to make people stay in the inn, it's billed as two star, not one.
> 
> 13\. "Ooh, I feel awful all of a sudden! I must be coming down with something..." is a line from the prison simulation game Hard Time.
> 
> 14\. Papyrus's line "WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING, RUNNING FROM THE COPS?" and Undyne's response "Maybe I'm not one anymore" is a reference to an interaction between Marcus and Dusan in WATCH_DOGS 2.
> 
> Well, that wraps everything up for this chapter. Please, tell me what you thought about the chapter, tell me what I could've done better, etc. etc. Constructive criticism is always appreciated, after all.
> 
> Who was that masked man?  
> \- offbrandbiscuit


	10. 10: The Unfair Quiz Show

Morning came, shining its pure light into Frisk's window. They shied away from it, trying to cover their face with their blanket. Naturally, a beam of light was still able to sneak in and chide them. _You should get going,_ it admonished. Frisk just wanted to sleep for five more minutes. They always said that, when really they meant 'an indefinite number of minutes'.

"Come on, wake up."

Frisk groaned, rolling over to face the ghostly human. "What."

Chara gave a smile that showed teeth. "You should be nicer to the people helping you."

Frisk shut their eyes and rolled over again. "Yeah, I should." A pause. "Question is if I'll do it."

Chara's light and silvery laughter crept over the back of their neck. "Come, partner," they said. "We've still got work to do."

"You're right," said Frisk. "A narc's work never ends."

Chara floated over to Frisk's side, dropping to their knees to stare at them. Their hair appeared messy, though it was just fairly fluffy. The faintest glimmer of blue eyes peered back at them through their almost-shut eyelids.

Frisk gave a defeated sigh and mumbled, "Fine."

Chara rolled their eyes. "Go get dressed and find something to eat," they ordered. "No-one likes to work on an empty stomach."

"You're not my mother," Frisk retorted, before muttering under their breath: "Like I have one anyway."

Chara raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

"Nothing."

Frisk headed down to the laundry room to collect their clothes. They noticed the awkward glances they received from other patrons, assuming it was due to their only clothing being a dressing gown. _Not all of us have a change of clothes on standby,_ thought Frisk, as they headed back to their room.

"Welcome back."

"Hello to you too," Frisk replied, heading into the bathroom, and, to make their intentions known, shut the door behind them. As they disrobed, they noticed the gauze they had applied to a spear injury a couple of days ago. They had barely noticed it the night before because they were so tired. Curious, they unwound the gauze, finding the wound had healed over nicely. They dressed, pulled on their boots, and emerged from the bathroom.

"Think I can sell this?" asked Frisk, holding up the gauze which was now gooey on both sides, rendering it unusable.

Chara looked at them, deadpan. "Do I look insane to you."

"Maybe," said Frisk, sending the gauze on its way with a passport to the next life: the trash can. After another slice of quiche, they headed out. Despite everything, they were in quite a good mood, humming to themselves as they walked.

"Anything you want to do in Blowdin before kissing both it and Waterfall bye-bye?" asked Chara.

"You're missing a third thing," said Frisk.

"What might that be?"

"You, of course," said Frisk shamelessly.

Chara's cheeks went redder than usual. "I walked right into that one," they said grudgingly.

Frisk just smirked.

They travelled in silence for another minute before giving a serious answer. "I think we should swing by Sans and Papyrus's place," said Frisk. "I've got something I have to do."

They continued in silence for a while, before arriving at the skeleton brothers' residence. Frisk knocked. They were half-expecting the reaction they got. Undyne gave a loud sigh, growling, "Goddamn it, not again!"

"Relax, fellow Vietnam vet," said Frisk sarcastically. "It's only me."

"Ah, sheesh. Don't scare me like that, dumbass," said Undyne, sounding relieved. "Only _I_ knock."

She opened the door. She was wearing her usual outfit, but with an additional navy-blue hoodie. At the sight of them, she added, "You look way better than you did yesterday."

"Amazing what a washing machine can do," said Frisk, as Undyne closed the door behind them.

"HELLO, HUMAN!" Papyrus greeted. "PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT! I MADE—"

"It's alright," Frisk assured him. "I have to get going soon."

Papyrus looked crestfallen. "BUT, WE'LL STILL CHAT OVER THE PHONE, R-RIGHT?"

Frisk rolled their eyes. "Of course. If I left you guys without saying anything, what kind of friend would that make me?"

Before Papyrus could answer, Undyne cut across with: "A FRIEND WHO'S GONNA GET PUNCHED IN THE FACE! NGAAH!"

Papyrus chuckled nervously. "N-NOW NOW, UNDYNE... THERE'S NOT GOING TO BE ANY PUNCHING OF FACES."

Undyne snickered. "Yeah, yeah. Just kidding."

"So, how has the diversion strategy been working out for ya?" asked Frisk.

"Seamlessly," said Undyne. "Paps placed a call to the Royal Guard and said I was going to Potland. So, there'll be a lot of heat there — figuratively and literally — so, watch your back, alright?" She held out her hand.

"Got it," said Frisk, shaking it. "Hey, that reminds me. Could you maybe, I dunno, teach me how to do sweet-ass magic stuff?"

"But you did it perfectly fine yesterday," said Undyne, frowning.

"Yeah, but... that was just kinda spur-of-the-moment," Frisk replied. "I need control, y'know?"

"Makes sense," said Undyne. "Well, me and Paps can teach ya anytime. Right, Paps?"

"OH BUT OF COURSE!"

"Is now a bad time?"

"Nah, totally not!" Undyne insisted. "I know the perfect place where we can practice."

"Sounds great," Frisk agreed.

"SANS!" shouted Papyrus. "WE'RE GOING OUT! TRY NOT TO SLACK OFF, WILL YOU?"

Sans, who had been peering into the fridge, oblivious to everything around him, stuck his head out. A joint was clamped in between his teeth. "anything for you, bro. mind if i talk with fresk for a moment?"

"NOT AT ALL, NOT AT ALL," said Papyrus airily.

Frisk scowled. He was never gonna get their name right, was he?

"We'll wait outside for ya," said Undyne. Frisk nodded as she and Papyrus stepped outside.

They turned back to Sans. "Alright, what is it?"

"well, y'see, i'm on duty in waterfall, right?" Sans started. "and i get a call from none other than undyne herself. claims she overheard you talking with someone. when she confronted you a few seconds later, she found nobody." He blew out a puff of smoke. "what's that all about, hombre?"

"Just Undyne's meth-addled brain going cuckoo," Frisk lied.

"is there another human?" he asked. "you protectin' 'em or somethin'?"

Frisk gave him a hard stare. "Well, if I was, I wouldn't tell you, would I?"

Sans chuckled. "a'ight, ya got me there. but really. who _were_ ya talkin' to?"

"Myself."

Sans rolled his eyes. "c'mon. serious answer, hombre."

Frisk, determined not to give away their partner's secret, replied, "It's really none of your business who I talk to."

Sans snarled. "you talked to that fuckin' weed, didn't you?" he said through gritted teeth. His pupils had dimmed, giving him a sinister look.

"Who the hell are you even talking about?" asked Frisk.

"some asshole who stole half my stash," he said grumpily.

"Right..." said Frisk, deciding not to betray Flowey in case _he_ came back and beat their ass again. "Well, I didn't talk to... whoever that is either."

"'dyne says she heard the name 'chara'!" spat Sans. "explain _that_ , hombre! why's the name of the first fallen comin' up, huh?"

"I don't have all the answers!" said Frisk, getting a bit pissed off. "If you want 'em so bad, why don't you get off your bony arse and find 'em, eh?"

Sans clenched his fists, but didn't argue. He turned away, muttering, "whatever."

"Yeah, that's right. Now," said Frisk, walking to the door, "I'm gonna leave." They opened it, looked over their shoulder and shouted, "Later, bitch!" before running out the door, slamming it behind them.

"AH, FRESK!" greeted Papyrus. "READY TO GO?"

"Oh, you betcha!" said Frisk.

"GREAT! LIKE ME! LET'S ROLL!"

They made it out to the forest without any interruptions. The place Undyne had chosen was a large clearing, surrounded by trees so tall they almost blocked out the sun.

"Hey, that reminds me," said Frisk, "how come there's day and night cycles here?"

"Oh," said Undyne, "Alphys told me that the previous Royal Scientist built a fake sun and moon designed to make it _look_ like there's day and night here. It's really just a big-ass light-bulb."

"That's pretty neat," said Frisk, taking off their coat. They cracked their knuckles and said: "Right. So, where do we start?"

"ER-HEM," said Papyrus. "HOW ABOUT DEFENSIVE MAGIC?"

"Yeah, he's right," Undyne agreed. "Just attacking isn't enough. You need to be able to defend yourself from your opponent's attacks as well."

Frisk nodded.

"I reckon Barrier spells are a good place to start," said Undyne. "It's all very well to cast spells in the moment when things are crazy, but you need to learn how to summon it whenever you want."

"Sounds good to me," said Frisk.

"Do you _know_ how to cast a Barrier spell?" asked Undyne.

"I mean, I cast one the other day, but not really, no," admitted Frisk.

"Alright, fair enough," said Undyne. "I'll explain 'em as simply as I can." She pulled her hood down and rolled up her sleeves. "So, Barrier spells are pretty basic but also shouldn't be underestimated. They can be nearly impossible to break if you don't throw off their concentration. That's the trick," she added, nodding. "Make 'em lose concentration. So, when it's _yours_ , I'd recommend staying focused."

Frisk nodded. "Got it."

"So, first, you should try creating a Barrier," said Undyne. "Papyrus and I'll throw shit at you and then we'll see if you can repel it. There's no need to scrunch up your face, by the way, just focus."

Frisk tried their best, the first times only being able to produce a small, purple burst from their fingertips, but eventually getting it. They found if they stayed calm and collected, it came easier. _If Undyne tells me to do otherwise, guess I'll just have to ignore her._

Their eyes flashed for a split-second as a red Barrier materialised.

"Hey, nice!" Undyne applauded.

"YEAH! WOWIE, FRESK!"

"It's _Frisk_ , for crying out—"

"ALRIGHT, THERE'S NO NEED TO CRY!" he insisted.

"Alright, Papyrus, throw 'em a bone," said Undyne.

A bone appeared in his hands. He chucked it at Frisk's Barrier. Frisk stayed focused, keeping their eye on the bone and Undyne in case she started attacking. They pushed against the bone with all their might, sending it flying. Then, they swivelled the Barrier around to block the oncoming spear Undyne had thrown.

"You're a natural, punk!" Undyne cheered. Frisk smiled as it stirred a memory somewhere. "Although if you're about to screw up, it's cool just to jump out of the way.

"So, Barrier spells are good basic defence," said Undyne. "There are other methods of defending, such as dodging, but why would I waste my time teaching you _that_?" she guffawed. "You're already so good at it!"

"I AGREE!" said Papyrus. "FRISK ALWAYS SURPRISES ME WITH THEIR AMAZING DODGING SKILLS!"

"But for real, you can even defend by using offensive magic. Block their attacks using a weapon or projectile, it doesn't matter. Defending comes in many forms," Undyne explained.

"THERE'S ALSO MANY OTHER BARRIERS YOU CAN USE," said Papyrus. "SOME LOOK LIKE DOMES, SOME LIKE BOXES, SOME EVEN LOOK LIKE CIRCLES!"

"Are they any harder to cast?" asked Frisk.

"Not entirely," said Undyne. "I mean, they're somewhat harder to keep up for extended periods of time. But harder to cast? nah. Also, the upside is that no better way to defend yourself against multiple enemies exists than a Dome Barrier. If you can, you can even make a Sphere Barrier move, which presents many pros."

"You can flee in safety?"

"Correct," said Undyne. "So, I guess we should move on to offensive magic. Oh, and we should go over healing magic as well. That's pretty important, especially if you're fighting with an ally and they're wounded.

"So, offensive magic. A lot of monsters use things that fit their personality or just hold a lot of sentimental value. For example, Papyrus is a skeleton, so he uses bones, and I use spears because was the first title I ever gave myself!" she added proudly. "Undyne, the Spear of Justice!"

Frisk repressed a snicker.

"Anything you remember fondly?"

"Not really," said Frisk, shrugging.

"Hmm..." said Undyne, frowning. "This could be a bit tricky."

"I mean, yesterday they were just energy blasts," said Frisk. "Dunno if that helps."

"It does, a bit," said Undyne. "Y'see, magic blasts are totally fine if there aren't any weapons that you're passionate about. It's not a good idea to try and force it into another form, because it ain't you! So, that's alright!"

"SO, DO YOU WANT TO TRY?" asked Papyrus eagerly.

"Uh... I guess?" said Frisk, a little uncertain. Was Papyrus suggesting they attack him and Undyne?

"You don't have to attack _us_ , you can just pick a random object," said Undyne quickly, as if reading Frisk's mind.

Frisk rolled their sleeves up to their forearms. "Alright, so what do I do?"

"Well, firstly, ya gotta understand that magic attacks are like channelled energy," said Undyne. "So, if you're weakened, your magic won't be as strong. Unless you've got something called..."

"DETERMINATION!" Papyrus finished, grinning.

"Yeah," said Undyne, nodding. "I dunno how you humans do it," she said. "So much determination in there, and yet your body doesn't break under the strain of it all."

Frisk didn't question this one.

"You can be so determined that even when fatally injured, you can become even stronger," she continued, sounding envious. "Anyway, go ahead! Try and fire off a few blasts," Undyne insisted, bringing them back to reality.

Frisk focused all their energy on an attack. A bright blue blast erupted from their fingertips. It slammed into a nearby tree, diminishing the instant it made contact, leaving a dark scorch mark behind.

"Not bad, not bad," said Undyne. "Try an orange attack."

"Isn't that one you move through?" asked Frisk.

"That's right," said Undyne.

Frisk channelled their energy again and willed it to be orange. They slashed at the air, an orange shock wave spreading outwards. Undyne and Papyrus jumped through it.

"Whoa, that's some neat skill you've got there," said Undyne.

"I CONCUR!" said Papyrus.

"So, wanna do it for real?" asked Frisk, their grin showing teeth. Undyne's competitive spirit flared up.

"Oh, it's _on_ , punk!" she said, summoning a spear. Frisk readied their stance, right eye burning red. Undyne threw her spear up in the air; Frisk watched as it flipped once, twice, then stopped, suspended in mid-air. Undyne's eye flashed, and a dozen copies of the spear, each identical to its original, appeared. She stuck out her arm, sending a flurry of spears towards them.

Frisk couldn't wipe the smile from their face. They barely knew any magic and were already sparring with Undyne. And God, it felt _good_.

Frisk's eye flashed as they summoned a simple Barrier. Undyne redirected her spears to curve over it. Frisk fired a blast of red energy up at the spears, then stretched out the Barrier to shield their head. The spears clattered against it, all falling to the side.

All of a sudden, a stream of blue bones shot at them! They froze on the spot, letting the bones pass through them.

"NYEH HEH HEH!" Papyrus chortled. "SURPRISE, FRISK!"

He sent a sea of bones towards them. They used the bones that stuck above the many others to leap across safely. Undyne hurled spears at them. Without even thinking, their right eye flashed red and a circular red shield appeared to block them. It moved in sync with their wrist's movements, always giving them a quick alternative should their Barrier fail.

For the grand finale, Papyrus sent a a huge ring of bones at them, closing in. Frisk fired a red blast that ricocheted off the bones, leaving scorch marks in its wake. _Okay, so that's out of the question._

Then, as if it were natural, their eye glowed red again, staying that way. A glowing red sword appeared in their left hand. A red heart with two wing-like curves on each side had been engraved into the hilt. They spun, slashing at the air, spawning large red slice marks that cut right through the bone.

With the bones dealt with, they stood there, confused as to what they should do now. Undyne and Papyrus were just staring at them.

"What? Something on my face?" asked Frisk.

"Nice sword," Undyne replied, a huge grin spreading across her face.

"Oh yeah," they said, staring at their own reflection in the blade. Their eye had traces of red in it. "I don't know how that got there."

"Well, lemme spell it out for ya," said Undyne. "That's your weapon!"

"Huh," said Frisk, still eyeing the weapon. "That's pretty neat."

"Sure is," said Undyne. A chuckle. "You really are just full of surprises, aren't ya, punk?"

Frisk smiled, dispelling the sword and shield. "Got that right."

"NOW, ALL THAT'S LEFT IS TO COVER HEALING, AND THAT SHOULD BE IT!" said Papyrus.

"Healing's easy, easier than you think," Undyne insisted. "So long as you have the intention to heal, you can."

"So, is self-healing a thing?"

"Yeah, I'd recommend practising on yourself," said Undyne. "Since nobody appears to be with ya."

"If only she knew," said Chara.

Undyne approached them, clapping her hand on Frisk's shoulder. "You did real good, punk," she said. "I'm proud of you."

Frisk smiled. "Well, I can't take all the credit."

"OH, IT DOESN'T MATTER! I STILL MUST SAY THAT YOU PERFORMED SPECTACULARLY!" Papyrus insisted.

"Heh, thanks," said Frisk, tying their coat's sleeves together. "I should get going now."

"FAREWELL, FRISK!" said Papyrus. "CALL US ANYTIME!"

"He'll pick up whether it's two in the morning or afternoon," Undyne added, grinning.

The three left the forest clearing, then split up once they got to Blowdin. Frisk had to run one last errand before leaving, though. They headed into the general store and purchased a large bag, feeling they'd need it for the many items that were to be found. After the transaction was all done and dusted, Frisk travelled down the path to where the River Person's boat was sure to be docked. It was here that Chara finally spoke for the first time since leaving the clearing.

"So, a sword and shield," they remarked. "I'm not surprised you were able to unlock them, but I doubted you'd be able to manifest both in one session."

"'Unlock'?" asked Frisk, rolling their eyes. "Wow, this is becoming more and more like a video game."

"All humans have weapons and defensive items tied to their souls," explained Chara. "Some are naturally the same, but they're all individual. Usually, it takes weeks, sometimes even _months_ to summon them."

"Must be my lucky day, then," said Frisk.

The two boarded the River Person's boat. They just pretended as though they'd never met Frisk. Frisk was grateful for this. With a sigh, Frisk rested their head against the back pillar on the boat, an oil lamp dangling above them.

 _So, I guess we're going to Potland,_ said Frisk.

_* It seems so._

_Good memories?_

_* Actually, yes. Not my favourite place, but all the same..._

_And the CORE is there?_

_* Indeed. The previous Royal Scientist insisted on the idea of having the CORE draw its fuel from the mantle._

_I barely understand how that works, but I'll take it that it worked?_

_* Indeed it did._

"Come again. Tra la la," the River Person was saying as the boat stopped. Frisk got to their feet and stepped back onto solid ground. They climbed the stairs, finding themselves back at the crossroad, the Royal Guards still standing resolutely in front of one of the paths.

"Alright. Lemme just SAVE real quick..." A yellow star appeared nearby. "Alrighty then. The lab."

They approached the doors, which slid to the sides to let them in. At first, Frisk assumed it was a deathtrap that would slam shut when they tried to walk through it, so they stuck one of their coat sleeves in the doorway to be sure. Nothing. They slowly walked through, surprised at the lack of security.

 _You'd think the Royal Scientist would have some kind of deterrent to keep out intruders,_ mused Frisk as they stepped into the dark lab. A huge monitor was currently displaying video feed of them. They paid it little mind, having _expected_ there to be cameras inside the lab. There was a desk near the monitor with a computer, a few anime figurines, and about a million instant noodle boxes.

 _Okay, dark room, anime figures, instant noodles... this is an orgy of evidence the Royal Scientist is a total neckbeard!_ said Frisk, snickering.

Frisk continued walking. They noticed a door at the other end of the room. There was an illuminated EXIT sign above it.

"Sweet," said Frisk. "This'll be quick."

As they approached the doorway, there was the hissing sound of another door opening. A silhouetted figure emerged, the door closing behind them. They crossed the room and flipped on the lights. They turned in Frisk's direction, immediately stopping in their tracks.

For starters, they were definitely female. She could be best described as reptilian in appearance. Three spikes adorned the back of her head, as well as large glasses that made her eyes appear owl-like. Her oversized lab coat was dragging on the ground, although it could've been because she had a hunchback.

"Oh. My. God." She gave them a buck-toothed grin. "It's you! I've been waiting so long to meet you! What took you so long?" she asked, a bit rudely.

"Uh... what?"

"God, this place is such a mess!" she said apologetically. Her voice was a bit high-pitched, coupled with a mild lisp and a noticeable stammer. "I haven't showered, I'm barely dressed, I'm—" she stopped herself. She swallowed, summoned the friendliest smile she could, and greeted them properly. "H-hi! Or... hiya, heheh. I'm Dr. Alphys, Asgore's Very Important Doctor slash Royal Scientist!"

"Good to meet you," said Frisk, not moving from their spot. "Undyne told me lots about you."

"Uh... h-has she?" she asked, a nervous grin tugging at the corners of her scaly face.

"Yeah," said Frisk. "You sounded pretty neat."

Alphys squirmed. "H-heheh... that's nice to hear..."

"So... are you here to stop me or something?" asked Frisk.

"N-no! Nothing of the sort!" said Alphys quickly. "Don't worry, I'm not one of the 'bad guys'! I mean, I was _supposed_ to stop you, but... I couldn't see anything from my cameras. I t-tried to hide them, but they, uh, well, um, didn't capture anything because they were so well hidden?"

Frisk snorted.

"A-anyway, uh, using my knowledge, I can easily guide you through Potland!" said Alphys.

"What's in it for you?"

"I— huh?"

"Surely you won't just help me for no reason," said Frisk.

"Well, um, l-like I said, I was _supposed_ to stop you, but after hearing all that great stuff from Undyne... I wanna help you!" she insisted. "I know a way right to Asgore's castle, no problem!"

"So you can deliver me to almost certain death," Frisk added.

Alphys blushed madly. "W-well, that's... uh... well, of course I mean uh... H-hopefully that won't happen!" she stammered, squirming under their intensely sceptical glare. "W-well, I mean... there _is_ just a teensy-weensy little issue," she admitted. "A long time ago, I made a robot called Mettaton."

"Undyne told me," said Frisk.

"Did she?" she asked, forcing a smile. "W-well, um... y'see, I originally built him to satisfy some... uh... p-personal needs," she explained, avoiding Frisk's gaze. Sweat was forming on her forehead.

Frisk quickly put their hands up. "Spare me the details."

Alphys looked relieved. "Y-yeah... So, um, a while back I decided to make him more u-useful. I mean, not that he w-wasn't useful before!" she added hastily. "He d-did all the d-dishes and cleaning for me when he wasn't on set, but I, uh, decided he could do with some... s-small practical adjustments?"

Frisk recognised her tone and rolled their eyes very obviously. "You gave him laser eyes and heat-seeking missiles, didn't you."

"God, no!" she said. "T-the adjustments I did a while back were to make him more like a TV star," she explained. "They all have a certain feel to them, so I watched as many game shows as I could to make him as good as the real thing. However, uh... I made a slight miscalculation when doing so..."

"So what happened?"

"He, uh... became a fame-addicted, money-hungry, cocaine-snorting megastar," she said in one burst. "B-but, don't worry! He may be the face of the MTT Corporation, but _I'm_ the brains behind it, _and_ the rightful owner!" she reassured.

"So, you can exercise control over him?" asked Frisk.

"W-well, when you put it like that," Alphys was saying, "that sounds a lot like what I did to him back when he was originally a se—"

There was a bang, and the room shook. Frisk looked around, while Alphys looked nowhere but Unassuming, a small town in the backwater state of Ohio.

"Probably just the pipes or something," she insisted. "A-always rattling...

"Bitch, those sound like no pipes I've ever heard before!" said Frisk, arms crossed.

_BANG._

"Uh, n-normally it's not that loud," she added.

 _BANG._ Getting closer.

"Uh... maybe I forgot to pay the utility bills?" she asked, sweat pouring from her forehead.

Frisk rolled their eyes. "Just spill it already! He's in there, isn't he?" they asked.

**BANG.**

"H-hold on a second... that's not the pipes," said Alphys, seeming genuinely surprised.

"Wow, what a surprise," said Frisk sarcastically.

_**BANG.** _

A look of dread crossed Alphys's face. "Oh no."

_**BANG!** _

The room practically exploded, clouds of smoke blinding them. But there was no choking smell, so they figured it was probably a fog machine.

"OOOHHH YES!" said a masculine, robotic voice. "MY, THAT'S A LOTTA DAMAGE! WELCOME, BEAUTIES, TO OUR NEW QUIZ SHOW!"

The fog thinned. Bright, multicoloured spotlights clicked on, showering a boxy robot in light. Frisk recognised him straight away. He held a microphone in a white-gloved hand. His grid-like face was currently spelling out a red 'M' for Mettaton.

"PLEASE WELCOME OUR NEW CONTEST... THE HUMAN!" he shouted. "GIVE THEM A ROUND OF APPLAUSE!" His face flashed light-blue as he clapped. He turned to Frisk. "EVER PLAYED BEFORE, GORG—" he stopped. Frisk was already heading for the door.

"Well, I'm outta here," said Frisk.

Mettaton gave a huff. "NOW, NOW, DARLING. YOU CAN'T JUST WALK OFF SET! I HAVEN'T EVEN EXPLAINED THE RULES YET," he chastised.

"No rule against leaving," they said.

Mettaton sighed. "WELL... IT IS OBVIOUS! THE HUMAN IS BORED! AND RIGHTFULLY SO! A SIMPLE QUIZ SHOW? PUH-LEASE. WE'VE ALL SEEN THAT A HUNDRED TIMES BEFORE, HAVEN'T WE, LADIES AND GENTLEBEAUTIES?"

Frisk looked back at him. _What?_

"SO, IN PURSUIT OF _TRUE_ ENTERTAINMENT, I WILL MAKE THIS QUIZ SHOW MORE INTERESTING. VERY, _VERY_ INTERESTING INDEED," he promised. "RRRREADY? IIIIIT'S SHOWTIME!"

The mist retreated further. More lights clicked on, revealing three mounted turret guns.

"WELCOME TO THE UNFAIR QUIZ SHOW! THE SHOW WHERE THE QUESTIONS ARE BRUTAL AND THE CONTESTANTS HAVE TO ANSWER WHILE AVOIDING GUNFIRE!" he said dramatically.

Chara scowled. They turned away, muttering under their breath: "Just what have you been doing the past two years, King Dad?"

"I WILL ASK A QUESTION OF SUCH MIND-BENDING INTENSITY THAT IT WOULD MAKE EVEN EINSTEIN BLANCH, THE CONTESTANT WILL GET ONE CHANCE TO ANSWER CORRECTLY! FOR EACH QUESTION ANSWERED CORRECTLY, THEY WILL BE ALLOWED TEN SECONDS OF RESPITE FROM THE HORRIBLE TURRETS!" he explained. "BUT! THERE IS A CATCH! SHOULD YOU FAIL TO ANSWER CORRECTLY... YOU DIE!" he cackled maniacally.

"Sounds exactly like the kind of thing I'd want to waste my free time on," said Frisk caustically. "Let's go, you old rustbucket."

"OOH! THE CONTESTANT IS EAGER TO BEGIN! SO, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, LET'S GET TO IT!" said Mettaton. Frisk's soul glowed brighter.

"Question time," said Chara sourly.

Frisk cleared their throat and swore loudly for no particular reason. Mettaton gasped loudly. "O-OH MY! THIS IS A FAMILY FRIENDLY TV SHOW! SWEARING IS AGAINST THE RULES!"

He cleared his throat and asked the first question. "WHAT IS THE PRIZE FOR ANSWERING CORRECTLY? A, MONEY; B, MERCY; C, MORE QUESTIONS; D, NEW CAR."

As soon as he uttered the full question, the turrets came alive. Red lasers trained on Frisk's heart. _That doesn't look good._

Mettaton certainly knew how to work them, that was for sure. Keeping their mind on how best to avoid the gunfire while thinking of an answer wasn't the easiest thing in world to do. Thankfully, the question was very obvious, so it wasn't too difficult.

Mettaton snapped his gloved fingers. Two lasers, orange and blue respectively, flickered to life. Frisk groaned inwardly, dodging the turret fire, then freezing for the blue laser, and then sprinting quickly as a bullet _just_ missed them.

"C, C damn it!" they shouted.

"GREAT, SOUNDS LIKE YOU GET IT!" said Mettaton brightly.

A timer appeared on his face, counting down from ten. "HERE'S YOUR TERRIFIC PRIZE!" he said with a sadistic laugh. "WHAT IS THE FIRST LETTER OF THE ALPHABET? A, M; B, A; C, T; D, Z."

There was a click as the turrets began firing. Frisk was sure, but also not so sure. He was going to try and trick them. They knew it. The first letter of the alphabet, huh? That was obviously A, no doubt about it, but Frisk was still thinking, and avoiding gunfire. He had to mean either the alphabet as a whole, or 'the alphabet', which would make it T.

They had to take their chances. But they also wanted to be sure. If this robot really was as dangerous as Alphys implied, they were going to have to watch themselves.

"T!" shouted Frisk.

"WHAT AN ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS ANSWER!" he said, causing Frisk to grimace at his fake compliments. They took none of these to heart.

"NOW, ENOUGH ABOUT YOU. LET'S TALK ABOUT ME!" he said. "WHAT ARE ROBOTS MADE OF? A, SUGAR AND SPICE; B, METAL AND MAGIC; C, SNIPS AND SNAILS; D, HOPES AND DREAMS."

The turrets fired. Frisk dived out of the way, their brain working already. Sugar and spice was the usual default answer for these kinds of questions. Perhaps he was trying to subvert them. Or maybe it was a sarcastic answer like 'hopes and dreams'. One thing was for certain, it was _not_ snips and snails.

A bullet grazed their arm. Frisk looked straight at Mettaton and shouted: "Your mum!"

"HUH?" asked Mettaton, frowning. "'YOUR MUM' ISN'T AN ANSWER!"

"Only 'cause you missed your flight on Joke Airlines!" shouted Frisk as they felt the wet sensation of a blue laser passing through their chest. "I think I can hear it going over your head right now!"

"FIFTEEN SECONDS!" said Mettaton, gleefully ignoring them.

It was now that they noticed Alphys in the corner, holding up her hands. They were shaped into a 'B'.

 _Is that the answer?_ asked Frisk, before deciding this was no time to be second-guessing themselves.

"B!" they shouted.

Mettaton looked somewhat disappointed, but kept up his charade. "TOO EASY FOR YOU, HUH?"

Frisk shot Alphys a wink. She gave them a thumbs-up.

"HERE'S ANOTHER EASY ONE FOR YOU!" he said, smirking. He cleared his throat, then began a long-winded mathematics question that had something to do with two trains leaving a station at the same time but at different speeds.

Frisk was spaced out by the time he had finished and was listing the answers. "A, 31.054 MINUTES; B, 16.232 MINUTES; C, 32.049 MINUTES; D, 32.058 MINUTES."

He really thought he had them stumped. But if he was going to ask them an impossible question about the worst subject in the world, they sure as hell weren't going to play fair. Running from gunfire, they looked to Alphys. She was frantically moulding her fingers into the shape of a D.

"D!" Frisk echoed.

Mettaton tutted. "A LITTLE EINSTEIN IF EVER I SAW ONE!" he said, a hint of contempt in his voice. "NOW, NEXT QUESTION. WOULD YOU SMOOCH A GHOST? A, HECK YEAH; B, HELL YEAH; C, FRICK YEAH; D, OH YEAH."

 _Heh, 'frick'. The most obscene curse word of all—_ Frisk was thinking to themselves, before realising. Mettaton had reacted with distaste when they swore, and had added that it was against the rules. But TV hosts like Mettaton liked to push the boundaries a bit, they knew. So, something a little on-the-nose, but not too weak.

Frisk gave a ho-ho-ho laugh as they nodded at Chara, sidestepping a bullet as they did. "Heck yeah! In fact, there's one ghost that I'd absolutely _love_ to smooch..."

"You sick bastard!" shouted Chara. "That's the second time you've done that and I didn't even walk into that one!"

Frisk just laughed.

"GREAT ANSWER! I LOVE IT!" said Mettaton, actually looking as though he believed it.

_Okay, time to pop this calculator's ego-balloon._

Mettaton cleared his throat and began asking the next question. "HOW MANY FLIES ARE—"

"C'mon. You've gotta try harder than that," said Frisk cockily. "Give me the toughest question you've got! Come on!"

Mettaton gave an indulgent laugh, turning to the cameras. "WELL WELL WELLY WELL WELL. IT SEEMS OUR CONTESTANT ISN'T SATISFIED. SO, IT'S TIME TO PULL OUT THE BIG GUNS!"

Turning back to Frisk, he started: "IN THE DATING SIMULATION GAME 'MEW MEW KISSY CUTIE', WHAT IS MEW MEW'S FAVOURITE FOOD?"

Before he could even begin listing the answers, Alphys ran towards them, almost tripping over her lab coat in the process. "OH, I KNOW THIS ONE, I KNOW THIS ONE!" she shouted excitedly. "IT'S SNAIL ICE-CREAM! In the fourth chapter everyone goes to the beach and she orders snail ice-cream, but she's the only one who likes it!"

Frisk watched in stoic silence as she continued rambling about how it was her favourite part because of its powerful messages about friendship, slowly trailing off at the end. Mettaton tutted once more, this time more critically. "Tsk tsk. Alphys, Alphys, Alphys. Remember what I said about helping contestants?"

Alphys went all red and hot as she spluttered, _"...Not to_ help them?"

"THAT'S FINE, REALLY," said Mettaton indifferently. "I'LL JUST ASK THEM A QUESTION THEY'LL BE _SURE_ TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO!"

With a smirk at Alphys, he turned to Frisk. "WHO DOES ALPHYS HAVE A CRUSH ON? A, THE KING; B, THE HUMAN; C, UNDYNE; D, NOBODY."

Alphys was shaking her head vigorously, indicating that they should not answer. Mettaton hadn't even reactivated the turrets and lasers, and his timer was frozen. Now was their opportunity to best him and escape. Anyway, they had a pretty good idea of who it was.

They said, "Undyne."

The effect was instantaneous. Mettaton oohed as Alphys buried her face in her hands. "CORRECT!" he said, though there was a hint of malice in it. "SEE, ALPHYS? IT WAS SO EASY THAT EVEN THE HUMAN GOT IT!" he laughed in her face. Then, turning back to Frisk, he continued. "YES, IT'S TRUE. SHE SCRAWLS HER NAME IN THE MARGINS OF HER NOTES, NAMES PROGRAMMING VARIABLES AFTER HER, AND—" he dropped his voice to a dramatic whisper. "EVEN WRITES STORIES ABOUT THEM LIVING TOGETHER. DOMESTICALLY," he added.

"How scandalous," said Frisk.

Alphys moaned pitifully into her hands.

"ANYWAY, WITH ALPHYS HELPING—"

"Hold up a second," said Frisk, smirking. "I've got a question for _you_."

Mettaton blinked. "A QUESTION? FOR ME? OH HO, THIS IS INDEED INTERESTING. A COMPLETE ROLE SWAP! WHAT AN ORIGINAL IDEA!" he applauded. "DO TELL US YOUR QUESTION, DARLING."

Before anyone could try to stop them, they screamed, "This statement is false!"

Mettaton froze up. He placed his hands to his head, letting his microphone fall to the floor. Then, he began zapping himself while saying, "ERROR? ERROR?" over and over again like a broken tape.

"O-oh, shit!" cried Alphys, rushing over to him. "What did you do to him?"

"Saw it in a video game," said Frisk. "Worked, didn't it?"

Mettaton's limbs were flailing like he was having a seizure."G-Goddamn it! I-it was nearly over too!" She wheeled Mettaton through the gaping hole he'd broken when making his appearance. "D-don't worry, I-I'll fix you up nice and quick!"

Then she was gone.

"Well, glad that's over," said Frisk. They could still hear Alphys in the other room trying to tell Mettaton to calm down.

"NO, NO, ALPHYS DEAR," he shouted, in an attempt to sound brave. "JUST GET ME A GRAM OF COKE!"

Frisk stopped listening right about there. They headed over to the monitor and found an escalator. They hopped on, riding to the second floor. This floor was much cleaner than the ground floor. There was a light-blue cube that was, according to a note nearby, a foldable bed, and a few Mew Mew Kissy Cutie posters were hung up near a workbench.

"So, what do you want to do while Alphys fixes up that dumb old calculator?" asked Chara.

"Snoop through her stuff!" said Frisk. "Let's do this RPG-style!"

Chara looked on, amused, as Frisk threw open one of the workbench drawers and began rifling through it. They pulled out a bag of balls with plus signs on them.

"You found a bag of balls," said Chara. "Stop laughing. You placed the bag of balls— I said stop that. In your inventory.""

Frisk practically did a spit-take, laughing like a maniac. "Oh, that's good."

"I used to play RPGs whenever we found them at the garbage dump. Provided they were in working order," they added. "Some of my fondest memories are playing _Final Fantasy_ and _Mother_ with Asriel."

"Meanwhile I got stuck with the orphanage computer that struggled to load the start screen," said Frisk, shaking their head. "God was _not_ having a good day when he made me." They noticed some syringes filled with a clear, red-tinged liquid in the trash. They picked them up and laid them on the workbench.

"A little early to become an addict, don't you think?" jabbed Chara.

Frisk ignored that. "Doesn't look like blood to me. Wonder what it is..."

"Ask Alphys," said Chara.

"Yeah, I will," said Frisk. "I'll also ask about the hilarious bag of balls," they added.

They headed down the escalator, where Alphys was tapping away on her phone. "Hiya. Sorry about earlier," she said.

"It's no problem," said Frisk. "Mind telling me what these are?" they asked, holding up the syringes and balls.

She gasped loudly, nearly dropping her phone. "H-how the hell did you get a hold of _those_?" she screeched.

"They were in the trash can," said Frisk. "The syringes, I mean. What's in them?"

"W-well, you see, humans have something called determination. S, I found out that it's actually a tangible substance!" she added, with a hint of pride. "I'd been doing experiments with it, but I, uh, gave up. D-d-didn't go as well as I'd h-hoped," she said, looking depressed.

"I see. So, can I keep 'em?"

"Yeah yeah, sure," muttered Alphys. "I don't need them anyway."

"What about these?" asked Frisk, gesturing toward the bag they were holding.

"O-oh, those are +bombs!" said Alphys, getting a little excited. "T-they're the first thing I showed Asgore after becoming Royal Scientist! They're bombs—" _'nuff said._ "—and if you click the button in hard and throw it, it'll fire four lasers in the shape of a plus!"

"Isn't it dangerous to keep them all in a bag then?" asked Frisk, with raised eyebrows.

"N-n-not at all!" Alphys rebutted. "Their trigger buttons need a decent amount of pressure to arm," she explained. "Bumping into each other wouldn't be enough."

"Nice," said Frisk, nodding at the bag. Alphys swooned at their compliment. "Can I have these as well?"

"Sure!" said Alphys. "They were just sitting in my drawer anyway..." she chuckled, before looking confused. "Wait... were you _snooping_?" she cried.

"The drawer was wide open," Frisk lied. "Can't blame me for being curious."

Alphys narrowed her eyes, but shrugged it off. "Well, I, uh... I guess you should get going," she said. "O-oh! Before you go, let me give you my phone number!" she insisted.

"What is this, Pokemon?" asked Frisk sarcastically. "I'm surprised _Mettaton_ hasn't given me his number yet."

Alphys grinned. "Y-you watch Pokemon too?" she asked excitedly.

"A few times," said Frisk indifferently. "The games were better."

Alphys giggled awkwardly, taking the flip phone in trembling hands, frowning at it.

"Huh...? This phone is _really_ old!" she marvelled. "It even comes from a surface manufacturer! Nokia," she said dreamily, putting as much affection as she could into three syllables.

Once she'd snapped out of her daydream, she told Frisk to wait there and rushed up the escalator. There was the sound of metal, drills, and other instruments, before it all went quiet. She stumbled down the escalator, holding out the phone to Frisk.

"H-h-here! I gave your phone some upgrades!" she said brightly.

"That was awfully quick," said Frisk suspiciously.

"Y-yeah, well... I made a machine that could do all that in the span of thirty seconds. Normally it would've taken half the day, eheheh..." she explained, scratching her head awkwardly.

Frisk took the phone in their hands, examining it. It didn't appear to be any different. They voiced this thought to Alphys, who only chuckled.

"I-I-I mean, _sure_ , it doesn't _look_ different, but I added a bunch of new features!" she said. "There's a peashooter, a bomb defusal program, a code-breaker, and," she continued, "I also signed you up for Undernet! The Underground's number one social networking service!" she clarified, as though she were a salesperson trying to sell them some off-brand internet router.

"Right?" said Frisk uncertainly. "Thanks...?"

Alphys huffed. "W-w-well, it's not like I _had_ to or anything," she muttered.

"I just don't know how to feel about all this is all," Frisk clarified.

Alphys shrugged. "I, uh, also sent you a friend request," she said, twiddling her fingers anxiously. "S-so, uh, now we're officially friends! Eheheh!" Though she sounded cheerful, it was forced. Most likely because Frisk had just fried her robot and been unintentionally ungrateful for the many possibly unnecessary upgrades that she had installed on their phone.

They were both quiet for one awkward moment, neither Alphys nor Frisk knowing what to say. She broke it with a quickly mumbled, "I need to go to the bathroom!"

With that, she hurried through the sliding door. It closed behind her.

"Well, time to get out of here before Mettaton shows up again," said Frisk, strolling out the exit door. Once more, they were hit with a heavy wave of heat. They grimaced. "Ugh, that's terrible." They pulled their coat off, tying it around their waist. They'd have to wait until they found a Dimensional Box to toss it in.

"Hey, Chara, I don't think I ever asked you, but where'd you come from?" asked Frisk.

They scoffed. "The surface. Where do you think?"

Frisk rolled their eyes. "Not like that. What country, nationality, etc. As much detail as you want, I need something to take my mind off this Godawful heat."

"Well, my biological parents were Dutch," said Chara nonchalantly. "We lived in a small village in the Netherlands. We came to Ebott for my father's work when I was maybe eight or nine. You?"

"My dad was Asian. Think my mother might've been European, but I'll be damned if I know, since they abandoned me at the shittiest orphanage in town at the age of two," said Frisk, scratching their head, the heat polluting their body.

"You don't sound all that bothered by it."

"I just try not to let it bother me anymore," said Frisk, shrugging. "If I keep feeding it, they win."

"Well said, partner."

"Thanks," said Frisk. "Keep talking to me. We have a lot of ground to make up after that sex robot slowed us down."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we are! The first chapter of the Potland Arc, and the first double-digit chapter count! Nyeh heh heh!
> 
> Now, silence your cellphones and keep your hands and feet in the vehicle at all times, 'cause this is... Chapter Trivia™!
> 
> 1\. More of Frisk being a depraved flirt. Why exactly do they do this? Well, they just like to fluster the shit outta people.
> 
> 2\. Two references in one string of dialogue! "Don't scare me like that, dumbass" is a reference to one of Susie's lines in Deltarune. "I am the one who knocks" is a Breaking Bad reference. Surprised? I should think not.
> 
> 3\. So, the training session is basically to try and introduce some exposition for the rules of magic. Essentially, every human has a weapon tied to their soul, which they have to unlock through training their magical ability and so on. Frisk's happens to be a sword. Please don't bring Asgore into this, as he's a monster. Totally different story.
> 
> 4\. Alphys is a bit different in this. She's very close to her canon self, but she's quite bitchy and, instead of flooding Frisk's phone with messages about anime, she just whinges about her life and Mettaton. 
> 
> 5\. A funny thing about the Unfair Quiz Show (which I'd drafted up ideas for long before the writing of UNDERSNORT): I was reading Inverted Fate during the editing of this chapter, and noticed how one of the robots in the CORE used a quiz show with bullets. Not just that, but Frisk also tries to bamboozle it with a paradox: the very same thing Frisk succeeds in doing in this here chapter. I told Dorked about this and they found it highly amusing.
> 
> 6\. I apologise. I just had to put a 'your mum' joke in there. And combined it with a 'woooosh' joke.
> 
> 7\. The whole 'zapping himself and saying "ERROR? ERROR?"' is an actual event that can occur in (I think) a hidden test room within the UNDERTALE files.
> 
> 8\. Yeah, Mettaton uses cocaine. What TV host hasn't been caught with their face in some?
> 
> 9\. Yes, no jet-pack. The main reason for this is that I'm changing the Mettaton shows to be different, but I haven't finished any of them asides from the quiz show. And anyway, it's impossible to fit a jet-pack in a flip phone. Not even Alphys could do that.
> 
> 10\. Frisk has an Asian parent as a result of an inside joke that Fanon Frisk is the lovechild of Gandhi and Brock from Pokemon. Don't ask, please. As for Chara, I'm just really into Dutch culture and when I was doing research for a project, I noticed a lot of their social customs reminded me a lot of how I view Chara.
> 
> 11\. That's right! Mettaton's body was originally designed as a sex robot. That's why he's so flamboyant. And yes, Alphys is bisexual in canon, as she had a crush on Asgore at one point, so don't even TRY to prove me wrong.
> 
> 12\. Yes, that "H-hi! Or... hiya, Heheh." is a pun, because 'hi' and 'hiya' sound like 'high' and 'higher'. I'm not sorry. This is UNDERSNORT, where drugs are referenced as frequently and (somewhat) subtly as possible!
> 
> 13\. Yeah, a Phil Swift reference. So what.
> 
> Well, that's about it folks. Please leave a review and tell me what was good and what wasn't. It helps me out a lot, and means the world to me.
> 
> I'm gonna let you finish, but my Undermon is the best Undermon of all time!  
> \- offbrandbiscuit


	11. 11: Another Weedium

Frisk rounded the corner, leaving Alphys's lab behind. But the moment they looked up, they had to stop and gaze in astonishment. Blowdin was a charming town despite being a ghetto. Waterfall was a nice, quiet place, great for relaxing so long as a fish lady wasn't chasing you with spears. But Potland was something else.

Amongst the metal-plated walls, there were massive networks of pipes and vents, most likely filtering the air that may as well have been poisoned from the aroma of all that lava. Speaking of which, there was a lot of it here. One mistake would result in certain death. LED lights flashing yellow, blue and green. Tall metal platforms stood stably in the lava. Atop these platforms were steel grates that appeared to be emitting steam.

Their eyes scanned the room again. A single metal plate with a glowing arrow pointing forwards lay before them. After taking another look around the room, they decided that this plate was a part of the puzzle.

 _Well, might as well SAVE. This_ does _look_ _mighty dangerous after all..._

"This puzzle appears to mean almost surely certain death. I'm totally filled with determination."

They rolled up their sleeves and sighed. "Well, guess we'd better do this shit."

They stepped back, then sprang into action. They leapt onto the plate, which flipped up, throwing them into the air. They felt fear creep into their soul as they descended. They landed on another plate, which tossed them onto the rightmost platform. They landed less than gracefully, but they were unscathed and that was what mattered.

"Slow down," said Chara. "I can barely keep up."

"Well, at least you don't actually have to _do_ the puzzles," said Frisk. "Do you really trust a mechanism that flings someone from one end of a room to another to _not_ harm said person?

"If it sets you at ease, this place runs like clockwork; all machines run at equal speeds, not one so much as a fraction behind," said Chara.

"I can't take this place seriously enough to actually feel reassured. I mean, come on. _Potland_?" Frisk shook their head.

"That _has_ been troubling me for some time now," said Chara, frowning. "I remember these same places under different names. Snowdin, Waterfall, Hotland..."

"Huh... wonder what prompted the change?" asked Frisk.

"That's what I've been trying to figure out."

Frisk stepped onto the next plate. It catapulted them into the air and onto another platform. They looked around the room, spotting a doorway in the far-left corner. So, all they had to do was find the correct plates to get them there. Sounded easy enough.

"Alright, I think I've got it..."

They jumped onto the plate; an angled jet of steam burst up, propelling them towards another platform. They took the left plate, then the right; then forward a few times, then a right plate. Then, it was all forwards from thereon out. They stood before the doorway, rainbow light dripping down around them.

As they stepped through the door, they felt their phone buzz in their pocket. They took it out. It was an Undernet notification from Alphys.

_**Alphys** posted: ugh seriously i've had the worst day ever today_

Frisk rolled their eyes and put the phone back in their pocket. Chara tilted their head at them questioningly.

"Just Alphys complaining about her day," Frisk replied.

Not even ten seconds later, another notification.

_**Alphys** posted: like i'm not even kidding everything that could've gone right went wrong_

Frisk pocketed the phone again. They began walking. This hallway was made of some kind of dark-blue tile, the grout replaced with neon tubing. The end result, Frisk admitted, was incredibly appealing.

Ding.

_**Alphys** posted: mettaton threw a curling iron at me because the human messed up his script_

"Ouch," said Frisk, admittedly feeling a bit sympathetic for Alphys. "Just another reason not to like or cross Mettaton."

Then another.

 **_Alphys_ ** _posted: how hard is it to just play along. why do i have to deal with his bullshit because of it_

_Playing along is easy, but it's no fun._

Then, not a moment too soon, their phone rang. They picked up.

"H-hiya," greeted Alphys sourly. "Alphys. Here."

"Yeah, I'd recognise that voice a mile away," said Frisk.

She had no reaction. "Yeah, I-I guess... so, uh, thanks to you, Mettaton nearly did a Chris Brown on me and I wasn't able to explain steam puzzles to you," she said. "So, you're on your—"

Frisk snorted. "'a Chris Brown'? Man, that's too good." They chuckled. "Anyway, don't worry about it. I already finished the first one."

"...O-oh. You did?" asked Alphys, her bitchy tone melting away a little. "W-well, that's great, I guess... uh, sorry for calling."

"Not a problem," said Frisk. "Can you disable Undernet notifications by the way?"

"I mean, o-obviously!" blustered Alphys. "What are you, a cave person?"

"Tch. Millennial," muttered Frisk.

Alphys gave a groan of disgust, then hung up on them. Frisk burst into a spasm of laughter. That had _really_ been worth it.

After they'd nearly passed out from laughing so hard, they disabled Undernet notifications. Then, trying to make up for lost time, hurried out to the next puzzle.

The room's perimeter was lined with conveyor belts, two steam plates on each side. In the centre, surrounded by lava, was a single pedestal with a switch on it. They also noticed a security camera watching them from the far right corner. Even from the entrance, Frisk could see that some of the steam plates would not fling them to the centre pedestal, but into the hot, boiling lava.

"How's that for a difficulty spike?" mused Frisk.

"How else are they supposed to get rid of scum like us?" asked Chara with a twisted grin.

"Not like I'm trying to get into their drug supply or anything," they replied. "Let's just get this over with." They stepped onto the first conveyor belt, feeling the sudden jerk of their body being thrown to the right. They wobbled, unsteady, but quickly regained their balance; they jumped to the next belt, letting it carry them left.

They quickly inferred that this belt would take them clockwise, whereas the other would take them counter-clockwise around the room. _So all I have to do is hop around a bit and find the right plate._

They kept their eyes on the steam vents as they travelled. The one up ahead was out of the question, facing right far too early. They let the belt carry them closer to it, then jumped over the vent, feeling the hot steam on their skin as they did. The next was also wrong; this one was facing diagonally. In other words, it would still kill them.

They jumped to the next belt. Another vent. Wrong. Jump. Wrong. Jump.

"Hey, Chara, be epic and find the right plate for me, would you?" asked Frisk.

"A please would be nice," said Chara drily.

" _Please_ be epic and find the right plate," said Frisk, doing their signature face.

Chara gave them a thin-lipped smile and floated off. They examined each plate, looking up at the pedestal and how the arrow on the vent corresponded with where it was. Some where more obvious than others. Some you could miss by just a few centimetres.

Maybe thirty seconds later, they called out to Frisk. "This is the one."

It was in the far left corner, facing diagonally. They jumped onto it. The powerful blast of steam threw them into the air; they curved downwards gracefully and landed on the middle pedestal. They pressed the button. The door, ablaze with LEDs, slid open. Frisk stepped onto the steam vent which shot them over to the door.

Through the door, down the hall. "Thanks for that," said Frisk. "That saved me a whole lotta time."

"No trouble."

The next steam puzzle wasn't so much a puzzle as an intermission. A locked door and a steam vent, arrow rapidly changing from left to right sat before them. Frisk chose left. Once they had gotten to their feet after being vigorously thrown to the left island, they found something quite interesting.

A frying pan sat, abandoned in the middle of the island. Frisk approached it, bent down and took it by the handle.

"Bit heavy," they commented. "Also decrepit as fuck."

"You can rest assured that the only cooking this pan did was by the book," Chara quipped.

"What book?" asked Frisk.

"The same things make us laugh make us cry," said Chara.

Frisk laughed. "Oh, man, I didn't think you'd get that one."

"I didn't," said Chara. "You forget we share not just body, but thoughts as well."

"Oh, right."

"I figure I'll keep it. Looks like it could deal some serious damage," they reasoned.

"It certainly appears as though you could smash someone's skull with a well-aimed swing," said Chara. "+10 ATK and 4 more HP restored through food."

"Why _does_ food restore your health anyway?" asked Frisk. "What is this, an RPG?"

"Monster food is imbued with healing magic, so it can replenish HP, heal wounds, et cetera," explained Chara.

Frisk headed to the right island to unlock the door. A small, wall-mounted monitor sat before them.

 _Hello!_ it greeted. _To proceed, three logic-based questions must be answered. Three attempts will be provided. After they are exhausted, turrets will activate. May the odds be ever in your favour. Good luck!_

"Oh, joy," said Frisk, cracking their knuckles and staring seriously at the three questions.

"Question one: What is the thing that all wise men, regardless of religion or politics, agree is between heaven and hell?" Frisk gave a soft 'hmm' as they thought. "What is the thing between heaven and hell? Well, hell's down there and heaven's up there, so... the Earth? The Earth's core? Or should I say... CORE?" A forced chuckle. "No, no, no. This is a logic puzzle. Common sense answer."

Though they had three chances to get it right, they had no idea if they received three for each question, or just three. And anyway, the thought of the turrets activating really stressed them out.

"Between heaven and hell..." they repeated, rubbing their temples, as if to try and summon an answer from the depths of their brain.

"'Between' is a key word here," said Chara. "Something between both of these. Heaven and hell are concepts... though we may be treating them as objects, or maybe words..."

_Words..._

"That might be it..." said Frisk. "Words! 'Heaven and hell'. In between the two is 'and'!"

Hunched over the terminal's keyboard, they quickly typed in 'and'. A green tick appeared next to it, accompanied by the text 'YOU'RE RIGHT!'. Frisk breathed a sigh of relief.

"You're a bloody genius!" they insisted.

Chara had no comment. Frisk rolled their eyes. "Alright, next question. Think of words ending in -GRY. Angry and hungry are two of them. There are only three words in the English language. What is the third word? The word is something that everyone uses every day. If you have listened carefully, I have already told you what it is."

Frisk was silent, thinking for a moment. Chara decided to let them be while they deliberated.

"Doesn't make any sense," said Frisk. "There _are_ no other words ending in 'gry'. At least... not that I know..."

They lapsed into silence for a good minute or so, before moaning and sinking to their knees. "I can't believe this, Chara. I fought a relentless fish monster who speared me several times and yet I'm at the mercy of a riddle."

"You were right in saying that there are no other words ending in 'gry'," Chara pointed out. "That means it's a distraction."

"A... distraction?" asked Frisk.

Chara nodded. "Indeed. The actual riddle lies somewhere else. The words ending in 'gry' is just trying to lead you away from the real riddle. 'There are only three words in the English language. The word is something that everyone uses every day. If you have listened carefully, I have already told you what it is'."

"The word is something everyone uses every day... the English language... hey, that's it!" Frisk got to their feet. "There aren't three words in the English language, there's way more than that. Since the third word ending in 'gry' was just a diversion, the riddle means that everyone uses the English language every day!"

Without even questioning it or putting it to any more thought, Frisk typed 'language' into the terminal. The tick appeared again, the text now reading 'HOW SMOOTH!'.

 _The last question is upon you,_ the terminal said. _You have three minutes to complete it. If the time limit expires, the turrets will fire. Once again, good luck._

"Let's do it, then," said Frisk. They leaned forward to read the question.

"'When is a door not a door?'" Frisk repeated. As soon as they said this, a timer began counting down.

"Okay, so there's the pressure," said Chara, a note of amusement in their voice. Frisk paid no attention, focusing on the question. _When is a door not a door?_ they repeated. _So the door has to stop being a door. Sounds like something that happens_ all _the time,_ they added sarcastically.

"Hmm... these 'riddles' are really just wordplay," they said. "So we should definitely consider that it's—"

"A pun?"

"Yes, that sums it up," said Frisk.

**2:10**

"Alright, so when's a door not a door?" asked Frisk. "The answer is going to be some kind of pun."

"When it's open?" Chara suggested. "Then it isn't a 'door' per se, it's 'open'."

"Open," Frisk repeated. "Hmm... let's try that."

They typed in 'when it's open'. A red X flashed on the screen. The text read 'I AM SO SORRY, YOU'VE JUST GIVEN ME THE WRONG ANSWER!'.

"God damn it," Frisk swore. "Alright alright. Synonyms for open."

"That's your first thought?" asked Chara. "To give the same answer, just in different words?"

"Yes, actually," Frisk replied.

**1:34**

"Hmm..."

**0:55**

"Okay, how about this. 'Ajar'."

Chara hummed thoughtfully. "When it's ajar. Hey, that might actually be right," they said. "When is a door not a door? When it's 'a jar'."

"This is why I hate puns," said Frisk, typing in 'when it's ajar'. The green tick appeared, along with a 'CONGRATULATIONS, DARLING! THE DOOR IS NOW OPEN'.

Frisk simultaneously breathed a sigh of relief and shot a dirty look at the terminal. "Great. I hope I never encounter another of these ever again," they said, hopping on the steam vent. They headed through the open door. Despite the cool blue tiles and neon tubing, the air was hot and heavy.

"Sheesh, how about some decent air conditioning in here?" they asked, wiping their forehead with their sleeve. It came away drenched in sweat. They spotted a Dimensional Box at the end of the hallway. "Well, at least I can get this damn coat off me."

"Everything you own has trust issues because of your throwaway attitude," quipped Chara. Frisk gave a gale of laughter as they transferred the contents of their coat pockets to the travelling bag, then tossed the coat in the Dimensional Box. They rolled their sleeves up past their elbows, then moved on.

Their phone rang as they exited the hallway.

"H-hey," greeted Alphys, sounding oddly calm. "Sorry, I forgot to mention this back at the lab, but... your phone now has links to two Dimensional Boxes!"

"How the hell does _that_ work?" asked Frisk.

"So, t-there's an app that'll beam all your stuff to Dimensional Boxes A and B," she explained. "It's really easy! Promise!" she reassured. "T-t-touch of a button!"

"That's actually pretty sweet!" said Frisk. "By the way, do you know of a place that's air-conditioned? I'm practically melting."

"Well, uh, there's the MTT Resort, but... that's a fair ways away," she replied. "A-and anyway, y-you probably d-don't wanna go there..."

Frisk raised an eyebrow. "And why's that? It isn't two-star, is it?"

"N-no way! It's rated Tem Outta Tem stars, damn it!" She paused. "Uh, because— and n-not to send you into a panic or anything — but... y-you're kind of a... wanted criminal?" Alphys replied, chuckling nervously.

"Yeah, I'm sort of aware of that," said Frisk.

"W-w-wait, really?"

"Oh, yeah," said Frisk casually. "Undyne was teaching me how to cook meth and then the Royal Guard tried to bust her. So we blew a hole in the back of her house and escaped through some old mining tunnels. Now, let's see..." they said, tapping their chin thoughtfully. "Narcotics production, resisting arrest, aiding and abetting, aggravated assault on a Royal Guard, and being a human." They chuckled. "Gosh, I'm gonna have trouble sweeping _that_ under the rug."

Alphys snickered. "B-by the way, thanks for helping out Undyne. She's... she's a really good friend of me."

"It was no trouble," said Frisk. "Well, it was. But it wasn't an issue. Well, it _was,_ but, you know."

"W-well, I gotta go now," said Alphys. "But it was g-good talking to you."

"Same," Frisk replied. "See ya later, Alphy."

And with that, she hung up.

They stepped onto a wide metal catwalk, the sound echoing throughout the area. They frowned. "Seems kinda out of place," they commented.

"Then again, you aren't even supposed to be here," Chara reminded them.

Frisk continued down the catwalk, turning right at the corner. There was an army of orange and blue laser-fields up ahead, all moving backwards and forwards on the wall.

"Seems easy enough," they muttered to themselves, readying themselves. They felt their phone begin vibrating in their pocket, but they ignored it. They had this.

They ran through the orange field, which moved a little further down the hall, immediately stopping in front of the blue one. It passed through them harmlessly, leaving behind that strange wet sensation. They passed some of the other lasers, doing okay so far, up until the point they accidentally skimmed a blue laser. They let out a surprised gasp, dropping to one knee. Their arm felt as though it had the coldest icicle in existence stuck inside it. They tried to ignore the horrid pain for the moment. Mainly because there was a huge laser field bearing down on them, the bright orange colour screaming to move. They did, moving backwards through it, allowing a blue field to pass through them seconds later. Three more fields cleared and they were safe.

They breathed a relieved sigh. Noticing a switch on the wall, they pressed it. The lasers were immediately shut off.

Their phone was still ringing. They answered it.

"OH MY GOD ARE YOU OKAY?" screeched Alphys, concerned.

Frisk grimaced and held the phone away from their ear, not caring that there was a camera watching their very movements. "Yeah, I'm good. I just got careless," they reassured.

"O-okay..." she said, breathing heavily. "J-just, _please_ be more careful next time?"

"Yeah, pretty sure I'll have no trouble doing that," said Frisk.

She hung up. Frisk stuffed the phone back in their pocket, eager to continue. They turned the corner and headed through the doorway. The room before them was quite obviously a multiple-step puzzle. Two red lights on both sides of the huge, arched doorway ahead of them. A steam vent alternating between left and right.

Alphys called again. "So, uh, you play any video games?"

Frisk narrowed an eye. "How is that even relevant?"

"W-well..." she answered, "this puzzle is kinda centred around video games."

"Okay..." said Frisk. "So, what kinda games?"

"The room to your right should have a game like Asteroids," she explained. "T-the left one is like Space Invaders. I take it you've p-played them?"

"Once or twice."

"Either w-way, I'm going to e-explain it for you!" she insisted.

"Wow, what game does _this_ remind me of?" asked Frisk sarcastically.

Alphys giggled. "Heh, I guess I really _don't_ have to explain it," she said, relieved.

"Well, I guess I'll get to work," said Frisk, hanging up. They approached the steam vent, waiting for the arrow to point left. When it did, they jumped onto it, the steam catapulting them onto the left island. They hurried over to the room where the puzzle would be, only to find a blue laser field blocking the way.

Alphys rang once more, just to say, "S-sorry about that, heheh. Lemme turn that off."

The blue lasers flickered, then powered down fully.

Two monsters were leaning against the wall opposite them. The one with a green head of fire was talking to her skateboard-holding friend. "Oh, look. The laser's down. So, what'll we do now?"

"Hmm," said her friend. "Well, we were stuck here for at least an hour, so at least we got to skip school. I propose we just keep standing here."

"It's already summer vacation," the fire monster reminded her. "But that sounds good."

Frisk rolled their eyes as they passed. _Weirdos_ _._

The room was painted mauve with dark-blue trimmings. There was a metal railing to stop anyone from falling to their death. In the centre, there was a dashboard with a joystick, a red button, and a button marked 'START'. The large screen before them was displaying a yellow monster SOUL underneath some barriers. Three lines of aliens were sitting stationary.

"At least _this_ should be easy," said Frisk, pressing the START button.

They immediately moved the SOUL out from behind the barrier and pressed the red button. The SOUL fired a small, yellow pellet at the alien in front. It exploded in a mess of pixels.

They moved the SOUL back behind the barrier as the aliens fired back. They moved it to the next barrier, fired more pellets, then hid behind the barrier again. Needless to say, it wasn't that fun. But who said the puzzles were going to be fun anyway?

Eventually, they destroyed the last alien, the words 'YOU WON' appearing on screen.

"Somehow, this feels very unsatisfying," remarked Frisk.

They headed over to the next island. Asteroids was not a game they had ever really played, but they had a basic grasp of what to do. Shoot all the asteroids, don't get hit. Simple.

There were two monsters there, one complaining about how the puzzles were impeding their progress, and that they couldn't get to work because of it. They then said they were going to complain to Asgore. The other was just complaining about how 'unrealistic' the human on Mettaton's show looked.

Inside, a disembodied fox head was lamenting on how his friends had left him to solve the puzzle alone, and that he couldn't because he had no limbs. He then questioned if he even _wanted_ to go into work anymore. Frisk explained that they were passing through and would do the puzzle for him.

It took them a few tries to reach the target of thirty asteroids, but they did it. They turned to the fox head and told him the puzzle was completed.

"Wait, really?" he asked, disbelief evident in his voice. "Wow, you must be a total nerd."

Frisk shrugged. "Better than being disembodied." That wiped the incredulous grin off the fox fucker's face.

They headed back to the middle island, approaching the door. It slid open, leading them down another blue hallway. At the end of the hallway, they SAVED.

"Knowing that you can never find enjoyment out of puzzle games again fills you with regret and determination," said Chara.

The glass doors slid open, allowing them to continue. The room they were in was strange. It was a narrow hallway with a steam vent facing left at the end. They peeked around the corner, seeing a pit of lava below. There was also another vent at the end of that hall.

"Well, guess this is the only way to keep going," they said to themselves. They jumped onto the steam vent. It propelled them forward, just enough to land on the next steam vent, which threw them to the right. Then another, sending them forwards onto a metal platform. There was a door there.

"Huh," said Frisk, bemused. "Seems like a lot of trouble to go to just to get from A to B."

They opened the door, walking down the hallway. This one was covered in repulsive industrial tile. They turned the corner, suddenly being engulfed in darkness. They gave a sudden, sharp intake of air, feeling around in the inky blackness.

"Just keep walking," Chara advised. "You're bound to bump into a wall or something soon enough."

"This is bullshit," muttered Frisk, but kept walking, their arms stuck out in front of them like a zombie. The hallway seemed to go on forever, or maybe they were just walking too slowly. But, they had nothing to fear, because Alphys was calling once again.

"Hey," they greeted. "It's dark as hell. Can you turn the lights on?"

"J-just what I was going to do!" she answered. There was a _click_ and light was restored. Frisk immediately wished it hadn't.

The room was dome-shaped, like the room they'd met Flowey in. Monsters were packed into stadium seating. There was a two-sided terminal in the middle of the room with two chintzy armchairs on both sides. Mettaton stood in the centre, clad in a sharp suit.

"Are you friggin' _kidding_ me?" asked Alphys angrily.

"WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEBEAUTIES TO THE NEXT EXCITING MTT SHOW!" Mettaton exclaimed, clapping his hands, cuing some words to appear on a huge wall-mounted screen. They read ' _WHO WANTS TO MAKE SIXTY GOLD?_ '.

 _Great, another fucking quiz show,_ thought Frisk, rolling their eyes as the audience cheered. _Just what I needed._

"TODAY IT'S THE SHOW WHERE FOUR CONTESTANTS BATTLE IT OUT WITH ONLY THEIR WITS AND PURE KNOWLEDGE TO HELP THEM," he said dramatically. "AND WHAT, YOU MAY ASK, IS THE PRIZE FOR WINNING? WELL, THAT'S SIMPLE. SIXTY GOLD. AS THE TITLE IMPLIES," he stated obviously.

With an airy chuckle, he snapped his fingers. Some lights came on, revealing three monsters all sitting in identical chintzy armchairs. Frisk couldn't help but notice that there was an unoccupied fourth chair.

"LET'S MEET OUR CONTESTANTS!" said Mettaton, turning to the three monsters. "OUR FIRST CONTESTANT, SNOWDRAKE, HAILS FROM THE COOL WINDS OF BLOWDIN, AND RECENTLY CLAIMS TO HAVE MADE SOMEONE LAUGH WITH HIS ICE-RELATED PUNS!"

The drake monster was grinning from ear to ear as the audience clapped enthusiastically. Frisk wondered if he even remembered them.

"THEN, WOSHUA, WHO COMES FROM THE GENTLE WATERS OF, WELL, WATERFALL!" he said, chuckling. "HIS AMBITION IS TO BECOME THE WORLD'S MOST FAMOUS JANITOR!"

The audience applauded, but it was lukewarm to say the least.

"AND FINALLY, JERRY, WHOSE HOMETOWN IS—" Mettaton was saying, before being cut off by the entire crowd booing. The ugly, flying-saucer-shaped monster crossed his arms, sulking in his chair, as though he didn't want to be there at all.

Mettaton cleared his throat, trying to restore some order to the show. "AND NOW IT'S TIME TO MEET OUR FINAL CONTESTANT," he said.

"Will you be surprised is he says it's you?" asked Chara.

"Somehow, no."

"LADIES AND GENTLEBEAUTIES, I PRESENT... _THE HUMAN_!" he shouted. Frisk was immediately showered in multicoloured light. As outgoing as they were, they didn't like being the centre of attention. That was for egomaniacs and celebrities like Mettaton.

"YES, THE SEVENTH AND FINAL HUMAN HAS COME UPON US! SOON, WE WILL BE ABLE TO—"

"Yeah, I've heard this story a million times. I die a slow, painful death for no reason other than that I'm a human, and you all wage war on humanity. Now, can we get this over with? I've got a king to meet," said Frisk impatiently.

"TRUST YOU TO TAKE CHARGE!" Mettaton guffawed. "WELL, IT IS AS THE HUMAN SAYS. WE CANNOT WASTE TIME WITH THESE POINTLESS SHENANIGANS. LET US GET STRAIGHT TO THE THRUST OF THIS GAME!" He surveyed the audience. "WHO WANTS TO MAKE SIXTY GOLD?"

"Everyone," said Frisk. "Otherwise they wouldn't be here. They'd be doing something better with their lives."

"CORRECT-A-MUNDO!" said Mettaton. "HOWEVER! ONLY ONE CAN WIN, MEANING ONLY ONE CAN CLAIM THE TERRIFIC PRIZE OF SIXTY GOLD!" He rubbed his hands together. "CONTESTANT NUMBER ONE! RISE FOR YOUR FIRST QUESTION! HUMAN! SIT IN THE FOURTH CHAIR."

 _Obviously,_ thought Frisk, crossing the room and sitting down. Unfortunately, they had been seated next to Jerry, who looked up just long enough to give them the evil eye before going back to trying to beat some signal into his phone.

Snowdrake hurried over to the chair, giddy with excitement.

"LADIES AND GENTLEBEAUTIES, HERE IS OUR FIRST QUESTION!" Mettaton proclaimed. He turned to the terminal. "THE CORE WAS DESIGNED BY WHOM? A, ASGORE DREEMURR; B, JERRY—" A shiver of disgust went through the crowds, causing Jerry to sulk even harder. "C, CJ RASTA; D, DR. ALPHYS."

"Um... well... hmm... It ain't Jerry, that's for sure," said Snowdrake, causing the audience to chuckle (Jerry gave a loud noise of displeasure), "and it's not Asgore. He may be the king, but he ain't no scientist! And I ain't never heard'a no CJ Rasta. Y'all ever hear of a CJ Rasta?"

The entire audience shook their heads.

"I think it's gonna have to be D," said Snowdrake confidently.

"OOH! ARGH! EEE! DEEPEST APOLOGIES, BUT YOU HAVE GIVEN ME THE WRONG ANSWER!" Mettaton tutted. "IT WAS C!"

Snowdrake looked bewildered. "W-w-well, uh, thank you for havin' me on?"

"NO TROUBLE AT ALL," said Mettaton. "WOULD YOU PLEASE TAKE A SEAT OVER THERE?" he asked, gesturing to a row of chairs obviously designated for the losers.

Snowdrake walked over to the chair and sat down, shrugging and trying to look nonchalant.

"NOW, WOSHUA!"

The strange monster waddled over to the chair and sat down, completely silent.

"NOW, LET'S SEE. WHAT IS THE FIRST MTT SHOW EVER BROADCAST?" he asked, beginning to list the answers. "A, SUPLEX AND THE CITY; B, THE MTT CHAT SHOW; C, HOTLANDLINE; D, COOKING WITH METTATON."

Woshua didn't seem to be listening though. He had spotted something that nobody else had. He was looking over at a greasy monster who was adjusting the sound equipment.

"WOSH," he said, summoning a hose out of nowhere. He advanced on the sound crew member, hosing him down with a well-aimed jet of water. The crew member shrieked and fled the room, Woshua following closely.

Mettaton looked perturbed. "W-W-WELL, AH... I SEE. IN THAT CASE, JERRY, CAN YOU—"

"No," he said grumpily. "I just came here to get a decent signal."

Mettaton sighed. "VERY WELL THEN. JUST. SIT ON THE LOSER'S BENCH."

Snowdrake looked outraged but didn't complain, instead opting to sulk just like Jerry.

"WELL. WELLY WELL WELL. IT SEEMS THAT IT IS THE HUMAN'S TURN!" he said, as though this were something of a surprise. The crowd cheered.

"WELL THEN, HUMAN! COME ON OVER!" said Mettaton cheerily.

Frisk got up. They felt everyone's eyes on them as they crossed the room, sitting down in front of the terminal.

"SO, WHICH ONE?" asked Mettaton. "SUPLEX AND THE CITY, THE MTT CHAT SHOW, HOTLANDLINE OR COOKING WITH METTATON?"

Frisk smiled sweetly. "Whatever you think, darling," they said in their smoothest voice. Chara looked disturbed.

"Stop. That is _not_ an option," they said forcefully.

Mettaton chuckled. "NOW, NOW, DARLING. YOU CAN'T FOOL ME _THAT_ EASILY," he insisted.

Frisk continued with their flirty attitude, but gave a proper answer.

"Why, I'd cook with you anytime," they said, leaning back and interlacing their fingers. "Question is, which would I eat afterwards? The cake or you?"

Chara grimaced. "You make me sick," they muttered.

The audience laughed, some applauding. Frisk smirked in Mettaton's direction.

Mettaton slapped his face dramatically. "MY, MY! NOT ONLY IS THAT A FABULOUS LINE, IT IS ALSO THE CORRECT ANSWER!" he said. "FRANKLY, I'M BLOWN AWAY!"

"WELL, TWO MORE QUESTIONS IS ALL WE HAVE TIME FOR, AS WE _ARE_ ON A TIGHT SCHEDULE," Mettaton explained. "YOU MAY HAVE GOTTEN THE FIRST ONE RIGHT, BUT YOU WILL NOT BEST ME, HUMAN! FOR IF YOU GET ONE QUESTION WRONG, YOU _WILL_ REGRET IT!" he added, cackling.

A little shiver ran through Frisk. _Well, that's reassuring._

"NEXT QUESTION!" said Mettaton, turning to the terminal. "WHO WERE THE NUMBER ONE NOSE NUZZLE CHAMPIONS IN 1998? A, PAPYRUS AND SANS—" Frisk gave an expression of disgust. "B, METTATON AND ALPHYS—" _Probably not that far off._ "C, UNDYNE AND ALPHYS—" _He's never going to let that one go, is he?_ "OR D, THE KING AND QUEEN."

 _Those two dogs were number two in '98,_ thought Frisk. _And there's no way in hell Mettaton and Alphys entered. Undyne and Alphys aren't a couple, Sans and Papyrus aren't an option and I_ do _know Toriel used to be with Asgore, so..._

"D again," said Frisk confidently.

"VERY WELL DONE! THE DOGI WERE NUMBER TWO, AN EMBARRASSMENT IF EVER I'VE SEEN ONE!" he said, chuckling. "FINAL QUESTION! WHAT IS METTATON'S FAVOURITE COLOUR? NO POSSIBLE ANSWERS HERE! IF YOU DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER, NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO GIVE UP!"

"No, no," said Frisk airily, waving their hand. "Let's see... you _are_ quite fabulous..."

"INDEED I AM!" he said proudly. "I COUNT MYSELF AS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BEING IN THE UNDERGROUND!"

"And you _are_ completely dazzling?" said Frisk.

Mettaton guffawed. "BUT OF _COURSE_ , DARLING! WHAT ELSE WOULD I BE?"

"And you're just so _popular_ and _eye-catching_ ," said Frisk, practically fawning. Chara looked as though they wanted to disappear forever.

"Are you trying to seduce him?" they asked in disgust.

"I CAN BARELY TAKE ALL THESE COMPLIMENTS!" he said, with a chuckle. "BUT YES, ALL OF THEM ARE TRUE."

"Well, it's settled then," said Frisk. "Your favourite colour is pink, or, to be more specific, deep pink."

Mettaton looked furious for a moment, then resigned. "WELL WELL WELL. IT SEEMS YOU HAVE BESTED ME. IN THAT CASE, YOU'RE FREE TO GO. THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING OUT TODAY!" he added, turning to the audience.

"Where's the prize money?" asked Frisk. "I won, didn't I?"

Mettaton scoffed. "HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN A QUIZ SHOW, DARLING? THERE'S NO PRIZE MONEY AFTERWARDS, JUST A BIG PIECE OF PAPER. SO YOU CAN JUST FORGET ABOUT IT!" he said rudely. His wheel retreated into his box, a jet thruster coming out. He was lifted into the air, and then soared away with a loud "TOODLES!"

All the monsters filed out, chatting with each other about the show. None paid any attention to Frisk as they all disappeared out the door. They sighed. "Well, I guess we should get going. No rest for the weary, huh?" they said bitterly, rising from their chair and heading off. Chara followed. The two walked through the huge, arched doorway, turned right, heading down the path towards an elevator.

To their left it was all just an ocean of lava, though far off, there was a huge structure. It looked almost like an engine, with its many tubes, fans, and pistons. It was juddering, though it may have just appeared that way due to the heat rising off the lava.

"That's the CORE," said Chara. "Like it?"

"It looks pretty cool," said Frisk, starting to walk again.

Ring ring.

"Hey," said Alphys. "N-nervous?"

"Not really," Frisk replied.

"D-don't worry," she said, as though she hadn't heard them. "I'm sure everything'll be just fine."

"Sure it will," said Frisk, hanging up before she could say anything else. They stepped into the elevator, pressing the button marked '2F'. The doors slid shut, a distant hum filling the air as the elevator carried them up to the next leg of their journey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And with that concludes the first part of the Potland arc! Sorry if it ended on an anti-climactic note, I just felt that I'd said enough for one chapter.
> 
> Now, time for Chapter Trivia™! I'd like to take a two seconds to thank our sponsor, MTT Corp. And you, reader, for sticking around this long. I really do appreciate it.
> 
> 1\. Yes, I'm so sorry. The title was the only pun I could think of. I will never live this one down.
> 
> 2\. Potland is different in many ways aesthetically. The walls are metal-plated instead of being the same red rock, the hallways are blue-tiled with neon tubes instead of grout (an idea I came up with on the spot), etc. Oh, and the fact that the second half of this journey ain't gonna be easy, because there are trigger-happy monsters and sentry turrets everywhere.
> 
> 3\. Frisk doesn't entirely trust Alphys, but she knows Potland well, so they've got no other options.
> 
> 4\. Alphys is a little different than her canon self. She posts frequent status updates complaining about her life and Mettaton in general. She's also prone to aggression and easily agitated. This is not without reason. She just drinks too many energy drinks is all.
> 
> 5\. Yeah, a San Andreas reference. Sue me.
> 
> 6\. The logic puzzle section is a new addition to Potland, and I hope you enjoyed our favourite duo deliberating on what the correct answer was. I don't think there will be any other puzzles of its ilk in Potland, just this one.
> 
> 7\. Frisk was referencing Pokemon, where a fisherman will explain how to use the Fishing Rod even if you say you don't need an explanation.
> 
> 8\. The shooting puzzles are still technically shooting puzzles. They just have a video game element to them. Space Invaders and Asteroids both require shooting, and they fit the criteria for the puzzles, so in they went.
> 
> 9\. The Mettaton show is two references in one. Who Wants to be a Millionaire? and Cave Johnson from Portal 2's line: "Who wants to make sixty dollars? Cash."
> 
> 10\. Some of the TV shows Mettaton lists are puns on real shows. Those shows are Sex and the City and Landline. "Cooking with Mettaton" is the correct answer because it's the first show you normally do with him after the quiz show. Hope you enjoyed Frisk's flirty comeback.
> 
> 11\. Yes, that "cooking by the book" quote is a LazyTown reference. Watched it when I was a little kid. I just had to put a reference in there.
> 
> 12\. "I am so sorry, you've just given me the wrong answer" is an Eddie McGuire line from Who Wants to be a Millionare? I find the way he delivers it so weird and funny, so I made Mettaton say that.
> 
> 13\. Yeah yeah, "correct-a-mundo". A Lancer line. Wow. In all seriousness, I absolutely adore Lancer. He and Kris are my favourite Deltarune characters. And that face too.
> 
> Well, that's it. The next chapter should be out soon, but I can't make any promises.
> 
> Is the 'pretty cake' a weed cake?  
> \- offbrandbiscuit


	12. 12: Remember that Name!

The elevator doors opened. Hot air spewed in, completely annihilating the cool air that the small air-conditioner had been blowing a minute ago. Frisk stepped out, giving a short sigh as they did. Again, the walls were metal-plated, while the ground was the same red rock. Up ahead, there was a large group of people sitting around smoking. There was a sentry station opposite the group. Even from a distance, Frisk could see who was in charge. Sans.

They groaned. _Great._

"Just ignore him," Chara advised.

"I'll have to walk past him," Frisk pointed out. "And he's going to talk to me. He always does."

They strolled down the path, getting closer and closer to the thick smell of marijuana surrounding the group. As they passed the stand, Sans called them over.

Irritated, but fully expecting this, Frisk approached. "What is it now?" they asked, exasperated.

Sans inhaled condescendingly, turning to the side to blow out smoke. "c'mon, hombre. no need to get angry," he said, his stupid smile still plastered on his face. _I'll bet he falls asleep with that smile on,_ thought Frisk. "just wanted ya to check out my new stand."

"It looks like you teleported a sentry station to Potland just to sell weed," they said scathingly.

"harsh, but fair," Sans conceded. "i've got a lotta great stuff here," he insisted, extending his arm, hand gripping the fabric like the drug pusher he was. Inside, there were numerous bags of leaves.

"and there's plenty more," he explained, his hand returning to his pocket. "some in cans, some in aluminium foil, you name it. normally, it's seventy g—" _That's more than last time._ "but, i can get'cha some half-off, y'know, since you're a friend."

Frisk drew closer. "Dude. We're not friends, and never will be," they said. "And no. I won't buy any of your product. Unlike you, I don't wanna bankrupt the entire Underground."

Sans raised an eye. "how d'ya figure that?"

"Because you keep increasing the prices so your customers lose all their money, while _you_ reap the rewards," they replied, resting a hand on the counter.

Sans rolled his eyes. "get it through your head, kiddo. down here, it's monster-eat-monster. i've got my own shit to deal with, y'know?"

They supposed they could see that, but Sans was different. He only ever covered himself, not anyone else. There wasn't really any excuse for that.

They voiced this to Sans, but he only shrugged.

"welp, that's your viewpoint. i won't hold it against you."

Frisk snorted. "I think you will."

Sans nodded seriously. "ya got that right." He paused for a second, scratching the back of his skull. "you sure ya don't want a freebie?"

"Yes, please and thank you," said Frisk.

"i reckon you'll change your mind," he said, a knowing look in his eyes. "sooner or later."

"I think you're _out_ of your mind," Frisk retorted.

Sans chuckled. "heheh, good one, hombre."

Frisk rolled their eyes. "Whatever," they muttered, turning and leaving.

They were silent all the way down the path. They reached the end of the path, finding themselves at a crossroad. "What the hell is his deal?" they asked. "Why's he trying to get all chummy with me?"

"Easy, partner," Chara consoled. "He's only trying to push your buttons. What's important is getting to the castle safely."

Frisk sighed. "Yeah. Alright." They glanced at the crossroad, thinking, _Now w_ _hich path is least likely to lead me to a violent death?_

"For no particular reason, I'd go for the left path," said Chara.

"I'm trying right," said Frisk, heading down the path. They turned the corner, finding themselves back at Sans's weed stand. He turned and looked at them with that stupid grin.

"told'ja you'd be back," he said.

"I'm out," they replied, immediately turning around and leaving.

" _Now_ are we going left?" asked Chara.

"I think we're going south," said Frisk. Thankfully, their guess was rewarded with a dusty chef's hat.

"I wouldn't pick that up if I were you," Chara warned. "It's practically wriggling with typhoid!"

Frisk raised an eyebrow. "I doubt that."

Chara flashed them an irritated glare. "I'm kidding. An added defence factor of eleven applies to the wearer of this hat."

"Sounds good," said Frisk, picking it up, dusting it off and placing it on their head. They heard Chara's snicker and sighed.

"I look ridiculous, don't I."

"You do!" they agreed. "But it's also a small price to pay."

"I guess," said Frisk. "People are going to be able to see me, though. If I'm hiding, this hat will stick out like a sore thumb."

"I think not," said Chara. "The hat looks quite small. Made for someone around ten or eleven."

Frisk took the hat off, looking at it. "So, someone of short stature. Shouldn't be a problem."

They placed the hat back on their head and started down the left path. Joy of joys, Chara was right. It lead them around a corner to a huge, arched doorway. A small fire monster dressed in a green button-up shirt and fedora was leaning against the wall, sulking.

"'ay. I'm Heats Flamesman," said the monster. "Remember that name!"

"Sure thing," said Frisk. "What're you doing out here?"

"Can't go through there," said Heats. "Turrets keep shooting at me."

Frisk frowned. "But you're not a human," they pointed out.

Heats nodded. "Yeah, I know. The turrets don't, though." He sighed. "They're programmed to shoot at anything that moves. Anything that doesn't have its name in their databases. I mean to say, authorised personnel that the turret won't shoot at."

"That's messed up," said Frisk.

Heats shrugged. "Yeah. But, I'm alright, aren't I?" He paused. "By the way. Somebody gave me a little gadget of hers. Said I should give it to someone in a striped shirt. Yellow lizard lady. Know her?"

"Yeah, I know her," said Frisk.

"Then, I guess this is yours," said Heats, reaching into the breast pocket of his shirt. He withdrew what looked like a taser with two large prongs on the end, handing it over.

 _Hmm,_ thought Frisk, turning it over in their hands. _Why would Alphys need to give me this? Does it have something to do with a puzzle? Security? Maybe the turrets?_

They dug out their phone and called Alphys.

"H-hiya! What's up?"

"The sky, obviously, but that's besides the point. I received your gift."

Though Frisk couldn't see her, she was definitely blushing. "R-r-really? T-that's good..."

"Those turrets that you talked about earlier, is there any way to shut them off?" asked Frisk. "Y'know, disrupt them long enough to break 'em?"

"W-w-well, t-that's what the gadget's for!" she said proudly. "I-I call it the Alphys Device... well, A-Asgore named it," she added, blushing. "It fires an EMP. You know, electromagnetic—"

"I know what an EMP is."

"...yeah. I-i-it also fires an electrical charge. Y'know, l-like a Taser. B-but the point is, i-if you use it on a t-turret, you can t-temporarily disable it!" she explained.

"For how long?" asked Frisk.

"About thirty seconds," she said. "I-it may not seem like a lot, b-b-but trust me on this. I-it should help a lot."

Frisk nodded. "Got it. Thanks."

"D-d-don't mention it, heheh..." she chuckled, hanging up.

Frisk put the phone back in their pocket and went through the doorway. There was a left turn, followed by a quick right turn, then a glass sliding door. Through the blue-tiled hallway they went, reaching the glass door that would lead them to where the turrets were.

They created a SAVE point before approaching the door. Just in case.

"The sheer surprise of having met the real-life Big Smoke fills you with determination," said Chara.

"He _did_ look a lot like him," Frisk admitted. The doors slid open.

They peeked outside the door, seeing the turrets all set up on huge metal platforms that the lava somehow hadn't melted. _What do they do when the turrets need maintenance,_ Frisk wondered, not really caring. Fortunately, some kind soul had set up some barriers and shields for those brave enough to try and make it through.

They steadied their stance. "I'm going to need your help, Chara," they said.

The ghostly human nodded. "You can count on me."

Frisk broke into a run. The turrets immediately swung around to face them, red lasers pointing directly over their heart. With one swift motion, they raised the Alphys Device, aiming it at the turret nearest. They pulled the trigger, a bright blue jolt bursting from in between the two prongs and hitting the side of the turret. The head lowered, down for the count. For now.

Frisk dived out of the way as a hail of bullets were sent towards them. They kept running as Chara informed them of the various turrets' positions. They spun on their heel, discharging two bursts for two turrets. Then, they ducked behind a barricade, keeping their head down as the turrets nearby kept shooting, though the bullets just bounced off.

"The Shield, partner!" shouted Chara over the never-ending screams of gunfire.

Frisk focused their determination, summoning the Shield. Just like before, it moved as though invisibly bound to their wrist. They crept around the barricade, immediately running for their life as a bullet grazed their arm, earning the turret a few tier-3's and a jolt from the Alphys Device. Their eyes burned red as they swapped the Shield from right to left, deflecting the bullets flying towards them. They quickly disabled the turrets, beginning to feel relief as they realised they'd gotten them all.

"Frisk!" howled Chara all of a sudden.

They glanced over, uttering a soft, "Huh?" before a hail of bullets hit them. At least, they _should_ have hit them. But they were saved by a red barrier that just appeared over them without even thinking. Adrenaline surged so suddenly they didn't even understand why. "O... okay," they said, numb.

"Why the hell didn't you keep running?" asked Chara furiously. "Are you trying to die a violent death?"

"Sorry, sorry," they muttered. "I got distracted."

"Well, you'd better _focus_ , because they're all firing at you now," they said, gesturing at the turrets close by, emptying seemingly endless magazines into their barrier.

"Okay, okay," said Frisk, rubbing their temples. "I can morph this Barrier into a sphere, and I can use it to carry me to that door over there. No point in trying to take down ten turrets single-handedly."

They raised a hand, warping the Barrier; it closed around them, leaving them in a hamster ball-like space. They guided the sphere down the path, staying focused though bullets were practically pouring down on them.

They reached the door. They made the Barrier disappear, hurrying through as quickly as possible. They heard the sound of the turrets shutting off as they slumped against the wall, burying their face in their hands. They had nearly died again. They hadn't died since Undyne's fight, and they were definitely looking not to. But, they had to accept that as a possibility.

"You alright, partner?" asked Chara.

Frisk sighed, the fear of the adrenaline finally kicking in. "Not really."

They stood up. The glass doors slid open, revealing another room populated by turrets.

"God. Fucking. Damn it," they groaned.

"It shouldn't be too hard," said Chara. "After all, you almost got out of the last one unscathed."

"Not counting my psychological scars," said Frisk.

They drew in a deep breath and ran out, quickly hiding behind a barricade. Much to their relief, the turrets had not caught sight of them. They peered over the top of the barricade, looking at the turrets' positions. There were a few at a left turn, two near a right turn, and a few randomly placed around the room. There were a few barriers, but most of them were useless. They'd be shot where the barriers didn't protect them.

Frisk began mapping out a route in their head. Stun the first, summon their Shield, take out the next two, hide behind the barrier, then take out the last one and run for the door. Seemed simple enough, but they knew it wouldn't be that easy.

"Okay, okay. I think I've got this."

They jumped over the barricade, running down the path. The nearest turret swung around to meet them. They zapped it, then summoned their Shield. The bullets were flying at them from what seemed like everywhere, but they stayed determined, giving each of the two turrets a jolt with the Alphys Device. A bullet skimmed their arm and leg, though they barely noticed it. They dived behind the barrier, getting ready for the right moment to run. A ceaseless hail of bullets rained down from the quad-barrels of the turrets.

Then, when they felt the rate of fire slow down, they began running again. They whirled their arm around, firing a burst at the turret near the doorway. Just as the turret was downed, they spun around, summoning the Shield once more. Bullets bounced off of it, unable to make so much as a crack in the circular red shield. They backed away, looking back every few seconds to make sure nothing was going to surprise them. The doors opened, and they quickly stepped through.

They ran a hand through their hair. It came back slick with sweat, though it wasn't just from the heat.

"That was... much better," Frisk panted, leaning their body against the wall.

"Indeed it was," Chara agreed.

"Yeah..." they murmured, swallowing drily. "I need water."

"There should be a water cooler nearby," said Chara. "They apparently can't afford to air-condition the halls, so they just built as many water coolers as they could."

Sure enough, the next room held a water cooler near the exit door. But the thing that interested Frisk was the strange contraption atop a table.

"It's a laser safe," explained Chara. "The cheese inside was melted by the laser and became stuck to the table."

"Let me guess," said Frisk. "Knowing that the mouse will somehow find a way to deactivate the lasers and get the cheese—"

"Fills you with determination, yes," said Chara.

"It's a terrible running gag," said Frisk, creating a SAVE point near the table.

Chara snickered. "Are you sick of it yet?"

Frisk nodded. "Yes, very."

"Well, I don't care," said Chara. Then, with a twisted grin, they began singing.

"There once was a human named Frisk; who took quite a lot of risks; but it must be said, they were quite brain-dead; so much so that they heard voices."

Frisk covered their face with a hand. _A limerick, it just_ had _to be a limerick._ "God, Chara. Stop."

They snickered once more, but complied. Frisk approached the water cooler, taking a cup. They filled it, downing it in one go. Then they did it again. And again. And again.

"You really like water, huh?" said Chara, smirking.

Frisk didn't answer, just getting on with the journey. The two left the room behind, turning left and heading down the slowly-widening hall. Frisk hummed as they walked, feeling a lot better than they had a minute ago. The room up ahead was a simple room with a few benches for passing monsters and a single tree.

"Is this one going to talk about friendliness pellets as well?" asked Frisk, gesturing at the tree.

"I should think not," said Chara. "That flower seemed one of a kind."

As Frisk entered the room, they heard the sound of heavy approaching footsteps. "Ah, great. What now?" they asked, more to themselves than anyone else. They turned around. Two tall guards clad in black armour were speed-walking down the hall towards them.

"Like, uh, stop. You have violated the law," said one.

Frisk raised an eyebrow. "What'd I do?"

"Uh..." said the guard, taking out a clipboard, squinting at it. "One count of resisting arrest, three counts of aiding and abetting, one count of narcotics production, one count of aggravated assault and uh, the fact you're a human."

 _Hmm, I guessed right,_ thought Frisk. "Is that what you say to Blowdin monsters? 'You're from Blowdin, that's a crime. Go back to your own city'."

"N-not the point," the guard stammered. "P-pay the court a fine or serve your sentence."

"And what would happen if I choose to pay?" asked Frisk, having no intention of doing so.

"We go to the castle," said the second, who had been silent until now. "First, we confiscate all your cool stuff. Then, you pay the fine and we..." he trailed off.

"Let me guess, I go to jail regardless," said Frisk.

"W-well, uh, yeah, pretty much," said the first guard.

Frisk gave a forced laugh. "Hell no," they said.

The two guards were silent for a few seconds, before the first spoke up. "T-then, like, pay with your soul!" he shouted, the both of them drawing their weapons.

Frisk shrugged. "Nah, my soul isn't worth shit," they replied. The two guards looked at each other, nodding. In an instant, blue forcefields appeared in the doorways, stopping anyone from escaping. Frisk didn't care. They could see they'd have to fight their way out of this one.

RG 01 charged towards them with a shriek of, "Die, human!"

 _How would I pay with my soul_ then, _I wonder,_ thought Frisk, sidestepping his attack and countering 02's swing with their Sword. They delivered a neat kick to his stomach, causing him to stagger. Within an instant, 01 was bearing down on them. They raised the Shield, pushing against 01's blade. They heard clattering as 02 got to his feet. With as much force as they could possibly muster, they shoved 01 away from them, swinging their Sword at 02 quickly. It left a deep cut in the chestplate of his armour.

02 grunted and nodded at 01. " _Royal Waver!_ " shouted 01. A rainbow-tinged spiking blast of light erupted from his metal-gloved palm. Frisk wasn't expecting it, and took the full brunt of it to their side. They shouted a few curses, managing to land against the wall. The two looked surprised that Frisk hadn't died right then and there. 02 swung his spear, Frisk blocking it quickly. He tried to exploit the openings Frisk left, but they were moving too quickly for his big frame to counter. They backed him against the wall, still trying to ward off 01's magic attacks with their shield.

01 threw his head back, howling " _Dreemurr Abandon!"_ as he charged a powerful ball of energy. Frisk quickly dispelled their sword and switched the shield to their left hand, shouting, " _Pyro Spiker!_ " An erratic, spiked beam of fire blazed towards the charging ball of energy, causing a huge explosion, knocking 01 out cold. Frisk stumbled backward, trying to summon a Barrier behind them, but failing and tripping over. "SHIT!"

Noticing 02 move towards them, they rolled out of the way as he plunged his spear down on the spot where Frisk had been just a second ago. They sliced at the handle with their sword, scrabbling to their feet not a second later. In an instant, 02 got a Twin-Screw Buster to the chest, knocking his weapon out of his hand and him back against the wall.

"Your money or your life?" asked Frisk sarcastically.

Now that 02 was without a weapon, it seemed he wasn't such a badass. "M-my money, just please don't hurt me!"

"You're smarter than you look," said Frisk, clocking him over the head with the hilt of their sword. He fell unconscious.

Then, they knelt down and, true to their word, pickpocketed all his gold. It came up to around 100G. "Seems irresponsible to carry such a large amount of gold on your person if you ask me."

After that, they approached the forcefield blocking the exit. There was a small screen near the door. They tapped on it lightly. A cheery voice greeted them.

"Hello! If you are hearing this message, the forcefields are probably on for a good reason. If, however, you are a member of the Royal Guard or equivalent authority, you may pass by completing a retinal scan. Thank you!"

"Heh, this should be easy," said Frisk, with a chuckle. They dragged 02 over to the door (though it took a moment, because he weighed roughly the same as a cement mixer) and removed his helmet. Frisk stood, admiring his face, hands on hips.

"Sheesh, you get hit by a bus or something?" they asked, getting no answer from the unconscious monster.

After a few more biting remarks on his appearance, they pressed his face into the scanner. The scanner dinged, the forcefield dissipating.

"Now that _that_ little roadblock has been dealt with, let's get back to the task at hand," said Frisk. They stuck an arm out, checking that the forcefield _was_ actually deactivated. Satisfied, they walked through the doorway. A long, grey corridor lay before them.

"Think there'll be turrets here?" asked Frisk.

"Don't rule it out."

As Frisk walked down the hall, it was eerily silent. No turrets ambushed them. Nobody halted them. They reached the end of the hall, turning the corner. There was another dome-shaped room, but it was completely empty.

"Watch yourself."

Frisk nodded, walking slower. They tread lightly, eyes constantly flicking back and forth, scanning the entire room. The lights flickered, as though they were in danger of breaking at any moment.

When the room went dark, Frisk assumed it _had_ broken. But, as they felt their phone vibrating in their pocket, they had a feeling that it was just more theatrics.

"H-hey, sorry about that!" said Alphys, giggling nervously. "I-I had it set to, uh, 'spooky ambience'. L-let me change it!"

She typed something on her keyboard. The lights came on with a _snap._ And who should be sitting there but Mettaton and his viewers.

"SERIOUSLY?" she screamed.

"I'M ALWAYS SERIOUS, DARLING!" said Mettaton, chuckling. " _DEADLY_ SERIOUS."

Frisk groaned loudly. "What is it this time, Mettaton?" they asked. "Another game show? Set of a sitcom? Interview?"

"YOU'RE CLOSE, BUT NOT CLOSE ENOUGH!" said Mettaton. "TODAY, I WELCOME MY LOVELY VIEWERS TO... QUESTION TIME WITH METTATON!"

Three screens flickered to life on the walls, each displaying a pixel animation of Mettaton dancing below the words 'QUESTION TIME WITH METTATON'. Cannons fired millions of pieces of confetti into the audience, inciting a loud bout of clapping and cheering. A desk raised up out of the floor, some claw arms depositing five chintzy armchairs in a row behind the table.

"HEAD ON OVER TO THE PARTICIPANTS' SIDE, DARLING," said Mettaton, sitting in the middle chair, "WHILE WE MEET OUR QUESTIONERS!"

Frisk obeyed, only because Mettaton most likely locked the exit doors anyway. Anyway, they had always kind of wanted to be in the audience of _Question Time_ , and being chosen as a participant was so much better.

They crossed the room, once again feeling everyone's eyes on them. They hesitated, looking at the chairs. The one on their left was closer to the exit, which was most likely locked. The one on their right was near a catwalk. The middle was out of the question. If Mettaton tried to pull something, the middle would be the worst place to be. So, having made up their mind, they sat down in the chair on their far right. _Probably a representation of the views I'll share in the show,_ thought Frisk, snickering.

Mettaton spun around, a jovial air about him. "WELL WELL WELL! NOW THAT OUR MAIN PARTICIPANT IS SEATED—" _No wonder everyone hates me,_ thought Frisk with a scowl. _Mettaton keeps treating me like a celebrity while the others get the average Joe treatment._ "—WE CAN MEET MY CRACK TEAM OF QUESTIONERS, THEN THE OTHER PARTICIPANTS!"

Four holes in the floor, two on each side of Mettaton, opened up. Four monsters rose up on platforms. Beginning from the far right, Frisk began to examine them. The first was a gangly bird monster who wore a white polo shirt and glasses that looked much too big for him. The second was a slightly amorphous humanoid monster. It appeared to be slowly dripping petrol-coloured liquid where it stood. The third was a female rabbit monster. She wore a tan trench coat over a black knee-length dress. Her face was dominated by keen amber eyes.

The final monster was spider-like, yet about the same height as Undyne. It wore dark-red boots and strangely medieval armour plating over a skintight black jumpsuit obviously designed for agility.

 _Stands out from the crowd a lot, huh?_ thought Frisk, noting the other monsters' casual clothing.

"I would keep a close eye on that one if I were you," said Chara. "I figure she's a part of the Spider Clan. They've been nothing but trouble sine they day they began."

_What kinda trouble?_

"Rumours of shady business deals, blackmail, money laundering and even hitter-for-hire services, all presided over by none other than Miss Muffet herself."

Frisk gave a snort. _'Miss Muffet'? Isn't that the same woman from that nursery rhyme?_

"I wouldn't be surprised if they named it after her," they replied scathingly. "What a member of the Clan is doing here is anyone's guess, but knowing what they've been accused of, I'd say someone's put a bounty on your head."

They sighed. _Just great. I'll keep an eye on her. Thanks._

"Don't mention it. Now, stay focused."

"—AND, ON MY RIGHT, WE HAVE DR. GRENHALDT, WHO, DESPITE HIS STRANGE APPEARANCE, HAS MADE NUMEROUS ADVANCES IN MEDICINAL SCIENCE SINCE HIS INTRODUCTION TO THE PRACTICE," Mettaton was saying, causing Frisk mild annoyance. _Damn. Never_ _caught the first one's name._ "HIS VIEWS ON POLITICS ARE QUITE WELL-READ, IF YOU ASK ME!"

The crowd applauded cautiously, seeming wary of Grenhaldt's dripping body.

"AND TO MY LEFT, WE HAVE PRICILLA, A REPORTER ON THE BLOWDIN NEWSPAPER CHARGED WITH FINDING ALL THE JUICIEST POLITICAL TITBITS FOR THOSE IN THE KNOW TO LAP UP!" said Mettaton. Pricilla gave a wintry smile at no one in particular.

"AND LAST, THOUGH CERTAINLY NOT LEAST..." Mettaton paused. He regarded the spider monster with curiousity. "I DON'T THINK I'VE SEEN YOU BEFORE. CARE TO TELL THE AUDIENCE A LITTLE ABOUT YOURSELF, GORGEOUS?"

The spider monster gave a soft giggle. "Araneae, my dear," she replied. Her voice was smooth, silky, and her speech slow and deliberate, akin to those AI chatbots trying to hold a conversation. She turned to the crowd, all eight eyes blinking simultaneously.

"I happen to be one of the last remaining ancestors of the Spider Queen, trained in combat by the finest of our time." She raised a gloved hand, twirling a lock of hair in it. "As for why I am here..." and here she paused, and Frisk saw her eyes on them, but only for a second or two. "Politics have honestly never been a source of interest for me. However, as a former member of the Spider Kingdom's Guard, I readily agree that relationships between ourselves and other monsters are crucial in the fight for a united Underground," she finished, promptly sitting down in her chair, crossing one leg over the other.

Frisk scowled. _She's definitely cause for concern. Listen to her._

They caught another smug glance at them from Araneae, who quickly re-positioned her gaze to the cameras hidden from the audience's view.

"WELL WELL WELLY WELL WELL!" said Mettaton approvingly. "THIS SHOULD PROVE TO BE QUITE INTERESTING! WHAT SAY YOU, KRELL?"

The bird monster — Krell — nodded mechanically. Mettaton resumed his monologue.

"A PHILOSOPHER, DOCTOR OF MEDICINE, REPORTER AND EX-SPIDER GUARD," Mettaton recounted, giving an airy laugh. "MY MY MY, THIS SHOULD BE _QUITE_ A WIDE SPAN OF FIRMLY HELD BELIEFS AND OPINIONS, WHICH IS WHAT WE ARE ALL ABOUT ON _QUESTION TIME WITH METTATON_!

"NOW, LET US MEET OUR OTHER PARTICIPANTS!"

A reptilian monster plonked himself down on the seat opposite Frisk. A small, volcano monster hopped up onto the seat next to it. Then, what appeared to be a flaming rope with a cocky grin and dark sunglasses sat in the last remaining seat. Great! Sandwiched in between two fire elementals. What luck.

"STARTING FROM THE LEFT, I GIVE YOU NEGA, VULKIN, THE HUMAN, AND PYROPE!" Mettaton hollered. "ALL THREE MONSTERS HAIL FROM THE TOASTY TERRAIN OF POTLAND, THE ONE EXCEPTION BEING THE HUMAN, WHO CAME FROM THE SURFACE!"

Frisk groaned inwardly. Why so much about _them_? They'd rather that Mettaton focused on the monster participants rather than address the 'human in the room'. It just brought more attention towards them, meaning more people would know about them, resulting in more people trying to kill them. One was enough, thanks.

"BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THAT," he said, giving a sigh of mock-relief, mopping his brow even though he had none. "IT'S 'QUESTION TIME'!"

The audience cheered as multicoloured lights flickered rapidly across the room, guided by a disco ball in the ceiling. The screens displayed the pixelated words 'IT'S QUESTION TIME!'.

The lights settled down, returning to the usual lighting. "NOW, LET ME EXPLAIN THE RULES FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE NEW TO THE SHOW," said Mettaton, straightening a stack of what looked like business cards. "ONE MINUTE FOR ANSWERS, THIRTY SECONDS FOR QUESTIONS, THIRTY MINUTES FOR FOLLOW-UP ANSWERS, ONE SECOND FOR SECOND FOLLOW-UP, AND IF A PARTICIPANT RUNS OVER, YOU'LL HEAR THIS!" He paused, allowing a tinkling glockenspiel melody to be heard. Then, he gave a chuckle. "COME NOW, I'M JUST JOKING!" he insisted, as though he had been heckled. "YOU ARE ALLOWED ANOTHER MINUTE FOR FOLLOW-UPS. THERE IS NO SECOND FOLLOW-UP."

The audience chuckled good-naturedly.

"NOW, WITH THAT ALL OUT OF THE WAY, LET'S GET THIS UNDERWAY!" said Mettaton, plucking four cards from the stack and handing them out at random to the other monsters. "KRELL, WOULD YOU LIKE TO BEGIN?"

Krell nodded. His eyes settled not on Frisk, but on Nega. He cleared his throat. "Are you aware of the Potland Industrial Sector's poor financial state?" He spoke with an important air, giving a quizzical look at the reptilian monster as he did.

Nega gave a quick nod. "Yes, I am."

"Whom do you blame for its financial ruin, and what steps could be taken to ensure this royal embarrassment does not occur again?" asked Krell.

Nega frowned. "Now hold up there a second. 'Financial ruin' is a harsh way of putting it."

An indifferent shrug. "Harsh but fair, they say."

Nega shook his head. "Harsh and absolutely unfair," he replied. "Last time I checked, the Industrial Sector was in a 'poor' financial state, not 'financial ruin'."

Krell looked over his glasses at Nega. "When was it that you checked?"

Nega's lips thinned. "Perhaps a month or two ago, perhaps longer," he answered coldly.

"I see," said Krell, holding the silence in the air for a moment, as though weighing it. "If that is so," he went on, "then what do you propose to prevent the Industrial Sector's financial state from slipping even further into the pit of ruin?"

Nega did not argue Krell's usage of 'ruin' again. "Firstly, I'd suggest employing better safety measures. Recent studies show that workers in the Industrial Sector have a six in ten chance of being injured by machinery, as opposed to the three in ten chance that was estimated around twelve years ago," he explained.

"How did you come into possession of these facts?" asked Krell. Nega looked scandalised.

"They are recent studies published by the Blowdin Newspaper, backed up by research conducted twelve years ago," he answered. "The findings are in the public domain, anyone can peruse it—"

"'Research conducted twelve years ago' you say," mused Krell. "Yet before you claimed it was 'estimated around twelve years ago'."

The audience tittered in response. Mettaton leaned back in his chair a little. Nega began sweating.

"You are twisting my words, you are!" he said, outraged. "Scientific research was not as reliable nor as accurate as it is today, so _naturally_ I will assume it as an estimate based on scientific resear—"

"If you'll allow me to interrupt, I fail to see how that validates your argument at all," said Krell. Naga's eyes had narrowed down to slits.

"How so?" he asked, barely repressed anger bubbling behind his words.

"'Scientific research was not as reliable nor as accurate as it is today'," Krell repeated coolly, his face lighting up with an expression of pure _schadenfreude_. "That does not make your argument true. That simply reiterates the fact the research is unreliable and perhaps more fiction than fact."

Nega stood up, his anger spilling out. "I _specifically_ added that I will _assume_ it as an estimate based on—"

"Assumptions, as they say, make an ass out of you and me," Krell interrupted.

Nega froze, giving Krell a look of utmost hatred. "If we are done nitpicking every little thing I have said, may I _please_ move along to my next suggestion?"

"Nitpicking is an important part of the political debate," said Krell. "And as the saying goes, if you cannot take the heat—" he flashed a humourless smile at the cameras. "—get out of Potland."

Nega's eyes went as wide as dinner plates.

After a short pause, Krell asked, "Have you anything else to say?"

Fists clenched and shaking, Nega sat back down without a word. Krell smirked, folding his feathered hands with a pleased look upon his face.

Mettaton chuckled. "WELL WELL WELL! IT SEEMS THAT THE POTLAND INDUSTRIAL SECTOR ISN'T THE ONLY THING THAT'S POOR!"

Nega sighed deeply, hanging his head. Frisk felt no sympathy. He didn't present a very convincing argument anyway. Poor choice of words indeed.

Araneae gave a girlish giggle. "My, my, dearie. I haven't seen such a fine debate in quite some time. I... particularly liked the way you handled him," she added. Frisk made joke retching sounds to make their disapproval known. It was lost in a sea of chuckles from the crowd. Krell looked back at her curiously until the audience settled down.

"I believe I could handle you too, if that happens to interest you," said Krell, dripping egotism. Immediately the crowd was overtaken by a fit of laughter. Frisk scoffed at the weak comeback. Pricilla glared daggers at the both of them.

Mettaton waved away the commotion airily, but directed an impressive stare at both Krell and Araneae. "WELL!" he said, pretending to sound disbelieving. "THIS CERTAINLY IS AN INTERESTING TURN OF EVENTS! AND ON _QUESTION TIME_ , TOO!" He turned his attention to Araneae for a moment. "DO SPIDERS HAVE A HISTORY OF BEING QUITE — AND I _DO_ MEAN THIS AS A COMPLIMENT, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY _STUNNING_ —"

The crowd tittered once again. Araneae smiled.

"DO THEY HAVE A HISTORY OF BEING QUITE... ALLURING?"

Araneae tilted her head to one side. "That's merely a stereotype," she replied. "Unfortunately, most believe it to be the truth."

"HOW WOULD YOU SAY SPIDERS DIFFER FROM MONSTERS ON _THAT_ SPECTRUM?" asked Mettaton.

Araneae gave him a dirty look, and not the hot kind. "How do monsters differ? After all, we are monsters just as the members of your audience are."

Frisk rolled their eyes. _Yeah, Mettaton. Quit pestering the suspicious lady about her thirsts and kinks. I wanna get outta here._

"It is worth mentioning spiders were and still _are_ believed to be temptresses down here," said Chara, "considering the surface stories that portray them as liars. Which, ironically, is quite an accurate description of the Clan."

_Maybe there's some truth to it after all._

"We cannot say for sure," said Chara, with a shrug. "They are just that: stories."

Frisk turned their attention back to Mettaton, who was now handing a card to Pricilla. Her nose wrinkled as she examined it curiously, then looked up, eyes drifting over the participants' bench.

She frowned. "You there," she said, pointing at Frisk. "As a human, how has the Underground treated you?" Her voice was laced with a British accent aged just so.

They hesitated. _This is obviously a set-up. These four want to make a point against Mettaton by choosing monsters over humans. I guess I just gotta answer as honestly as possible but add a bit of frosting to the cake._

"Well, despite what I've heard, some have treated me as an equal. I guess they're like humans. They aren't all fans of you, whether you like it or not."

Pricilla looked at them with an unreadable expression. "What is the Surface like?"

 _What is this,_ Ask the Human Twenty Questions _?_

"Well, depending on when monsterkind was sealed down here, it either hasn't changed a bit or has changed quite a bit."

Pricilla's glare was unshakeable. "Legends say it happened long, long ago."

"And sometimes, legends are false," returned Frisk.

Mettaton gave a dramatic gasp. "WELL WELL WELL! THE HUMAN CERTAINLY HAS AN INTERESTING VIEW ON THIS! MIND TELLING US WHY YOU THINK SO, DARLING?" he asked.

Frisk glared at Mettaton, daring him to call them 'darling' one more time. "Well, there doesn't seem to be a defined date in the legend that says _when_ you guys were tossed down here," they explained. "Many legends on the surface lack factual evidence, though that's kinda to be expected since they're usually so old they have been rewritten a million times by a million different people. So, maybe the legend was documented many years after the creation of the Barrier, and the writer just forgot about it. Or maybe the legend just has _some_ truth to it, but the rest is unverifiable."

Pricilla gave her first smile, cold though it was. "You certainly do have a keen eye for detail," she remarked. It was the only real compliment that they were going to get.

Frisk just nodded, hoping that would suffice for an answer.

"So, you say some monsters have treated you as an equal. Care to name them?" asked Pricilla.

 _She's a reporter in Blowdin. Papyrus definitely isn't ready for the publicity. And Undyne's a fugitive; the last thing she needs is media attention. And Toriel..._ Frisk sighed. "Unfortunately, I can't. It wouldn't be right."

Pricilla looked surprised, but she quickly contained it. "Did anyone need convincing to trust you?"

Frisk shook their head. "Sorry, but I can't name 'em."

Pricilla gave an indifferent shrug. "Do you feel as though the persecution you have been put through is warranted?" she asked.

Frisk raised an eyebrow. "So... 'do I feel like I deserve to be attacked by random people'?"

Pricilla nodded. "In other words, yes."

"Right," said Frisk. "Well, I don't know. The legend says that humans and monsters—"

"You claimed the legend was false."

"I said it _could've_ had _some_ truth to it. If the legend was false, why would you all be down here and not up there enjoying the sun?" they asked. The audience tittered its agreement. Pricilla flushed.

"Retracted."

"You're welcome" said Frisk, allowing a sliver of a smirk to creep onto their face. "As I was saying, the legend says that humans and monsters once lived peacefully together. Then they just started fighting. I dunno what triggered that, but the legend seems to imply it was over the power to take souls."

Pricilla nodded.

"So," continued Frisk, "sure, _some_ hatred towards humanity is warranted, but I don't think judging an entire race by what a few of 'em did is fair. If we were to use that logic, then monsters are just troglodyte murderers that attack anything human.

"So yeah, some of 'em have just attacked me out of the blue. That shit's messed up, since I had nothing to do with that war, but I reckon if I can prove to them not all humans are against you guys, then maybe I'll have done some good in this world."

"So, your answer?" asked Pricilla.

"I understand why it happens, but I don't think it excuses attacking an innocent person. One who was involved in the war, I can see why people should think they deserve it. But one who wasn't even aware of the existence of monsters? No."

"Final question," said Pricilla. "Do you believe monsters deserve to see the Surface once more?"

"Well, they lived on the Surface with humans before, so I can't see why that shouldn't happen again," said Frisk.

"Short and sweet," said Chara, who had been silent up until this moment.

 _Thanks,_ Frisk replied. They relaxed into their chair, waiting for Mettaton's verdict.

"HOW INTERESTING!" he commented. "DESPITE THE CONSTANT PERIL THE HUMAN FACES, THEY BELIEVE SO STRONGLY THAT WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO SEE THE SURFACE. WOULD YOU SAY THAT YOUR JOURNEY HAS BEEN A TEST OF CHARACTER?"

Frisk gave a thoughtful hum. "Well, you test my character all the time, so sure, why not."

"INTRIGUING!" said Mettaton, clearly not understanding their sarcasm. "IF I MAY ASK, WHAT MAKES YOU VALUE MERCY SO GREATLY?"

"That's an easy one," they replied. "There was this one monster that was pretty cool, but then tried to fight me. It was messed up, but I figured, 'if they die, how will they become a better person?' And anyway, I couldn't have sent them to hell anyway," they added. "They were already living it."

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO NAME—"

"Sorry, but it's still a no."

Mettaton huffed. "FINE. ON TO OUR NEXT QUESTIONER!" He handed a card to Grenhaldt, who took it with a dripping hand. He studied it for a moment, then put it down, looking up at Vulkin.

"I have a question for you, if I may," said Grenhaldt.

Vulkin was practically bouncing in her seat. "Why of course!"

Grenhaldt cleared his throat, producing a liquid sound. "Do you happen to be Helda Vulkin, owner of the Potland Medical Dispensary?"

"The very same!" answered Vulkin.

Grenhaldt's mouth (one of the only definite parts of him) curved into a smile. "With that knowledge," he said, "how do you feel about the recent spate of robberies on medical businesses?"

Vulkin frowned, but turned it upside down as they answered. "Well, doc, I'm not sure what you expect me to say!" she said, with an awkward chuckle. "It's been very bad for business. Very bad indeed. We're short of many drugs and chemicals because of these thieves. Now customers rarely come through the doors. Afraid of having their belongings stolen, y'see."

Grenhaldt nodded. "Would you say the Royal Guard have handled this well?"

Vulkin shook her head. "Anything but! They investigate and take statements, but they do nothing. The thieves keep coming, and they don't stop coming."

"Who would you say is to blame for this?" asked Grenhaldt.

"Well, as much as I'd like to blame the Royal Guard for this, I don't feel that would be fair. If they haven't the time to properly investigate these crimes, that must mean there's something they're preoccupied with. And!" she continued doggedly, "I think I know what that 'something' is."

"Explain," said Grenhaldt.

"Ever since that human fell—" she cocked her head in Frisk's direction. "The Guard has been wasting precious time and resources on their capture, when they'd be much better off allowing the general population to deal with them! Why would they arm Potland's residents and declare that 'shoot to kill' rule if _they're_ going to deal with them?" she finished, a good deal of rage in her voice. She threw a filthy look at Frisk.

"Do you agree with that, human?" asked Grenhaldt.

Frisk shrugged. "I see where she's coming from, but yeah. Not based."

Vulkin snarled.

"Please elaborate," said Grenhaldt.

"They're wasting their time trying to kill me," said Frisk, flashing the increasingly scrutinising audience a confident grin. "Something I have infinite amounts of."

Chara shot them a death glare. "You smug bastard."

"Therefore, I suggest they spend more time waging war on Blowdin, because the money that should've gone there went into someone (probably Mettaton's) pockets. Potland. Has. The cannons, people."

The audience muttered their disapproval loudly, a few boos here and there.

"Stick your boos in your pipes in smoke 'em, losers," they replied flippantly. "It'd at least be in-character for you drug fiends. Come to think of it, I'd blame your guys's nutcase drug culture on all your problems."

The audience gasped. Everyone else fell silent.

Grenhaldt's creepy black eye-sockets bored into theirs for a moment. Then, he spoke. "Explain your answer."

"Everyone I've met here is off their face on something, or lying in a gutter. I think that statement speaks for itself, yeah?"

"SO," Mettaton interrupted, "YOU BLAME THE RISING TREND OF ILLEGAL DRUGS?"

"I blame the drug culture full stop," said Frisk.

Mettaton looked embarrassed. "ER, WELL, THAT IS NOT QUITE THE POINT. THE POINT IS, WHAT DO YOU—"

"It is," they insisted. "Point is people are stealing to fund their drug habits, and the people who actually _need_ those drugs are paying the price, literally and metaphorically."

"RIGHT, RIGHT," said Mettaton testily. "AS I WAS SAYING, WHAT DO YOU PROPOSE TO ALLEVIATE THE SYMPTOMS—" A few chuckles from the audience. "OF THIS WAVE OF CRIME?"

"Address the drug problem," they replied.

The audience was silent, seemingly shell-shocked.

"W-WELL..." Mettaton stammered, "THAT CERTAINLY... AH... QUITE INTERESTING, YES..."

Frisk leaned back in their chair, smiling. Vulkin gave them a murderous glare.

Mettaton cleared his throat, pulling himself together. "WELL, I THINK WE HAVE TIME FOR ONE LAST TOPIC," he said. "ARANEAE, DARLING, HERE IS—"

"Oh, no thank you, dearie," said Araneae, once again twirling a lock of hair. "I already have a question for our human guest here."

Frisk swallowed. "Ask away."

"How would you deal with terrorism?" she asked slowly.

Frisk narrowed an eye at her. "The Underground has a terrorism problem, I take it?"

She giggled. "As of right now," she said.

As if she were a stage director and that was the cue, the ceiling vent grates were blown off their hinges. Monsters slid down ropes thrown down from the ceiling. Frisk noticed they all had eight legs. _The Spider Clan!_ they thought, unsure of what to feel. Was this just a carefully orchestrated twist or...?

The spiders landed. Frisk identified them as soldiers with their black jumpsuits and armour plating. The only difference was that these wore theatre masks with painted tears on them.

Mettaton stepped forward. "W-W-WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" he asked, scandalised. "THIS ISN'T PART OF THE SCRIPT!"

One spider placed a hand on her hip, coiling and uncoiling a whip theatrically. Frisk noticed that her mask had a crack painted underneath the left eye and above the right eye. _Guess that means she's the leader,_ they thought.

"Quiet, rust-bucket," she said, her voice distorted by a voice-changer in her mask. "Nobody else move," she added, as people began getting to their feet. All the monsters complied, sitting back down.

"Told you they were trouble," said Chara. Frisk jumped a little at their sudden return.

The spider snapped her gloved fingers. The other spiders scattered. Frisk pulled their hat down close to their eyes as they watched a few of them place small boxes in different places. They noticed the spiders punching codes into the keypads on the boxes. Then began internally freaking out as a steady beep reached their ears.

"Now, listen here," said the spider. "My associates are currently priming explosives. I have the deactivation code. Cooperate and I will deactivate the bombs. If you choose not to, I will have no choice but to seal this room and allow the bombs to detonate."

"Are you— is she— is she suggesting that she blow everyone up?" asked Chara.

 _She sure as hell isn't baking them cookies!_ _Fucking Spider Clan!_

"VERY WELL, VERY WELL. WHAT ARE YOUR DEMANDS?" asked Mettaton.

"There is quite a valuable bounty floating around, you see," said the leader, who had sat down on the questioners' bench and was now idly playing with a dagger, in a really clichéd attempt at intimidation. "And we have tracked the target to this location." She crossed one leg over the other as she stared Mettaton in the face. "Allow us to collect said bounty and we will spare your precious audience."

Mettaton looked angry, shocked and frightened all at once. "ALRIGHT," he said. "BUT I CANNOT HELP WITHOUT A PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION."

"Of course, of course," said the leader agreeably. "Short, tan skin and brown hair. Blue and purple striped shirt. Ring any bells?" The last part she spoke menacingly, as though daring him to answer 'no'.

Mettaton tugged at his bow-tie anxiously, staring around at the audience. Frisk's heart was pounding. They fully expected Mettaton to give them up. And they could sort of see why. After all, the lives of his entire audience were at stake. They would surely die if Mettaton pretended not to have seen them. And the lives of over a hundred monsters who had nothing to do with this were not worth the cost of one human. Frisk could see that.

Didn't mean they didn't want to die, though.

"If I may interrupt, Arachne, dear," said Araneae smoothly, causing everyone to look at her. She hadn't spoken since the spiders got here. "There is no need to interrogate him. I know exactly where they are."

Frisk's blood froze. Okay. Forget Mettaton. They needed a plan, and _fast._

"Then why not speak up earlier, Araneae?" asked Arachne, giving the other a hard stare.

"I was hoping you'd stick it to this old calculator," Araneae replied, smirking.

Arachne's facial expression didn't change in the slightest. "I am fast becoming tired of your theatrics, Araneae," she said, turning away. "Waste no more time. Tell me where they are."

"I shall," Araneae agreed.

Frisk searched their pockets, then felt their fingers grasp something. _That'll work._

Araneae gave a wide, jagged grin. "Right there!" she said, pointing at the participants' bench.

Arachne looked over, immediately shrieking "Get down!" at the same moment that Frisk whipped out the Alphys Device, sending a jolt at Araneae. She gave a high-pitched keening sound, the hand that had just a moment earlier been raised towards the participants' bench closing into a fist. Her eight eyes all rolled back into their sockets and she fell unconscious.

"The participants' bench!" shouted Arachne. "Fire, you fools! Open fire!"

The spiders each pulled guns from their weapons belt, spraying the bench with a hail of bullets. The audience all ducked under their seats, screaming in absolute terror. The monsters at both the questioners' and participants' bench had all hidden behind their respective benches, screaming just as loudly as the audience. Mettaton gave an anguished howl, before flying away. Frisk could barely restrain themselves from calling him a damned coward.

"Great job, idiot!" shouted Vulkin over the noise. "Now you've gotten us _all_ killed! How does _that_ make you feel, huma—"

"Do you really wanna _die_?" Frisk retorted.

Vulkin scowled. "No!"

"Then howsabout you shut up while I try and figure out how best not to get us killed?" said Frisk, racking their brains. They had to protect the hundreds of innocent monsters in the audience, but _they_ also needed to get out alive. And that meant that one way or another, they were going to have to take out those terrorists. But first...

"You three, there's a catwalk down that side," said Frisk, pointing at the right side of the set. "I'll distract them so you can hide there."

"There they go again, trying to get us killed," Vulkin was raving, but Nega cut her off.

"There's no other choice," he said. "It's either hide with their target or hide off-set, and I think I know which is safer."

"I'm with ya, man," said Pyrope.

Vulkin sighed. "Guess you're right. Human," she said, turning to Frisk. "I dunno about you, but if this works, hell, maybe I'll remember this someday."

They crawled over to the left side, stuck their arm out and fired a jolt at the questioners' bench. "Get out of here!" they shouted to the three monsters. They obeyed, scurrying away down the catwalk.

They summoned the Sword and Shield. _Payback time_. They stood, firing a blast of energy at the spider nearest. It dodged just in time, but Frisk wasn't letting it go. They fired a volley of weak projectiles that ricocheted erratically off the floor and walls. A few spiders, unable to foresee the patterns, were hit squarely in the sides, knocking them to the ground. Those still standing responded with a bout of gunfire. Frisk ducked behind the bench.

"Just kill them already!" Arachne screeched.

 _Not gonna happen,_ thought Frisk. They fired two blasts, one hitting a spider squarely in the chest, knocking it to the ground. The other saw it coming and dodged. A few ran towards the bench, trying to rush them. Frisk blocked with the Shield, parried a blow with the Sword, driving it into the spider before them, who stumbled and fell into their allies. As they were jumping out of the way, Frisk, blocking bullets with the Shield, slashed at the air, creating a huge red slice mark in the air, which promptly flew towards the spiders. They all fell before Frisk.

"Come out and fight, you worthless coward!" howled Arachne.

Frisk chuckled. "If I'm a coward, what does that make you?" they replied snarkily.

"Why, you little brat!" she cried, pulling a sword. "Come out and face me!"

Frisk didn't answer, instead sneaking to the other side of the bench. They jumped onto the bench, leaping off, slicing at the air as they did. The magical slash marks missed Arachne as she jumped out of the way, swinging her sword at Frisk. They locked blades, both pushing against each other. The two staggered back, attacking once more. Sparks flew as the two blades, metal and magic, collided.

Frisk began to monologue. "I gotta say, you're pretty shitty. You're totally cool with blowing up a hundred innocent people just to kill me. I guess you guys kind of _are_ terrorists, if you look at it that way," they added, with a look of sardonic disappointment.

Arachne didn't respond, instead making a jab for Frisk's right. The Shield blocked it.

"What is this Spider Clan anyway, huh? Some shitty fuckin' cult or something?" they asked.

Arachnea gnashed her teeth, pulling a machine pistol from her belt. With one swift strike, Frisk knocked it out of her hand. It flew through the air, sailing over the questioners' bench.

"You guys really must've had a pretty low budget for the uniforms. Or was there just a sale on bondage clothing that day?" they finished, winking.

Arachne screamed as though she'd trodden on a spike. "ENOUGH! Enough of your tough talk! I've had enough!" she yelled, her cool completely disappearing. Frisk smirked. _Thought that'd work._

"Yeah, I'm kinda tired of it too," they agreed. "Let's boogie. Mr. Crawl?"

Arachne's gaze flicked to the wall behind her. It was only a split-second, but enough to get the drop on her. Caught unaware, she blocked clumsily, but Frisk broke through her weak defence easily. They knocked her to the ground, but she brought them down with her. She grabbed the dagger they'd seen earlier from her belt, thrusting it towards their chest. They had to release their sword to grab her wrist, saving themselves from being impaled in the chest. She tried to prise their fingers from her wrist, but they wouldn't have it. They practically screamed as they tried to get her to release the dagger.

"Let go of it!" they yelled.

"Let go of _me!_ " she yelled back.

"Don't give in," said Chara. "Do whatever it takes to win. You've got this."

A surge of righteous anger and strength rushed through them and they shoved her arm to the side, punching her in the face. She gave a yelp of surprise, and raised the dagger to attack. " _No!_ " howled Frisk, punching her again. They couldn't even move their arms. They just kept raining blow after blow on her until the sound of the dagger falling to the ground snapped them out of it. They blinked before hastily scrambling away from her limp, unconscious body. Their hands were shaking, and their heart was literally trying to punch its way out of their chest. _What the fuck...?_ they thought to themselves. ... _I did that?_

Before the adrenaline could wear off and they could calm down, they felt their phone ring. It was Alphys.

"OH MY GOD!" she practically bawled. "I'M SO SORRY, THAT WASN'T PART OF THE SCRIPT, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT MYSELF AND—"

Frisk just sort of sat there, phasing between being conscious and completely spaced-out, until there was a break in Alphys's loud and long-winded apology. "It's cool," they replied emotionlessly. "Sort of."

"S-s-sort of?" Alphys replied, sounding as though she were on the verge of tears.

"Bombs on set. Live bombs," they explained. "Exits sealed. Bombs need to be defused."

"A-ah!" she exclaimed. "R-remember that c-code breaker and defusal program I installed?"

"Yeah," Frisk replied. "Which one?"

"W-w-well..." said Alphys, "M-maybe the code breaker. I mean... they have k-keypads, right?"

"Yeah, I saw the spiders using 'em."

"Okay, okay, go over to the bombs and I'll explain a-as you go," said Alphys.

Frisk approached the bomb nearest and knelt down before it. "Alright, what now?"

"Open the code breaker and scan the bomb's barcode," explained Alphys. "If I'm right, they'll, uh... they'll all have the same code!"

Frisk's eyes narrowed. "How'd you figure that?"

"W-well, if the barcode is what I think it is, i-it'll be made by MTT. Don't ask," she added pleadingly. "But they all have the same code in case of emergency."

"Then why not tell me?" asked Frisk.

"C-c-company secret!" said Alphys squeakily. "M-Mettaton never even told _me_. I-if someone had that information, well..."

"Yeah, right," said Frisk, rolling their eyes. "Don't just do away with the idea."

Alphys gave a noise of indignation, but didn't say anything. Frisk took the phone away from their ear, pulling up the code-breaker. Sure as shit, the barcode was located on the side of the bomb. They scanned it. The numbers '7355608' appeared on-screen.

Hoping for the best, they punched in the code. There was a beep, and the bomb deactivated. They gave a sigh of relief. _Thank God._

They scurried around, deactivating each bomb. Despite the knowledge each and every code was the same, they still felt anxious whenever they began entering the code. Maybe one of the bombs had been tampered with, and the code changed?

But all was well. The last bomb was defused, the threat cleared.

"Thank God that t-turned out alright," said Alphys. "N-now, Mettaton just called me. A-and he's bringing the Guard."

"Fair enough," said Frisk. "I mean, there _was_ just a terrorist attack."

"So, uh, he'll go on ahead and unseal the doors for you to escape," she continued.

"Why?" demanded Frisk.

"W-what?" asked Alphys, sounding annoyed. "E-escape not good enough f-for you?"

"No, just wondering why he's helping me," they replied coldly.

"B-because I'm making him!" she explained. "I-I created him, i-in case you don't remember, so I can make him do whatever I want!"

Frisk grinned. "That stem from when he was a se—"

"ANYWAY," said Alphys loudly, interrupting them, "h-he'll get you out, and y-you can continue on through Potland!"

"Alright," said Frisk. "Good to know." Then, they hung up.

After a minute or two, Mettaton descended through the open vents. He looked around, seeing the numerous unconscious spiders strewn about. "HUMAN? WAS THIS YOUR DOING?" he asked.

"Yeah," said Frisk. "You're welcome."

Mettaton sighed. "THANKS TO YOU, MY AUDIENCE IS SAFE, AND SO ARE MY QUESTIONERS AND PARTICIPANTS, YOURSELF INCLUDED. SO, ALLOW ME TO REPAY THE FAVOUR." He turned to the doors. Two miniature robots resembling himself with helicopter blades sailed over to the door locks, hovering in place. Their arms changed to laser cutters, burning away the locks. Then, the doors swung open.

"THAT DOOR WILL LEAD YOU TO THE FINAL FLOOR OF POTLAND," explained Mettaton. "WHEN YOU COME ACROSS THE MTT RESORT, AND I'M CERTAIN YOU WILL..." His voice changed to his usual, jovial self. "COME STAY, WON'T YOU? NO CHARGE."

"I'll consider it," said Frisk. "Thanks."

Mettaton nodded. "THE GUARD DRAWS NEAR. YOU SHOULD LEAVE."

 _For once, I agree,_ thought Frisk, turning and leaving. They ran at first, but gradually slowed to a walk as the set grew smaller behind them. On their left, there was another scenic view of the CORE. This seemed to be the top part of it. Frisk didn't make any comment as they walked past it. They called the elevator and stepped inside. They selected '3F', feeling a familiar heaviness in their SOUL as the elevator began its ascent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Howdy hey, how was your day? I'm glad, not really, mine was bad. But who cares, I'm here and I'm there. Now you've read this rhyme of a sort, let's talk about Undersnort!
> 
> Chapter Trivia™... Start!
> 
> 1\. Sans's hot dog stand is now a weed stand. Yep. What else would it be?
> 
> 2\. Sans goes a little into his motivations and morals here just to expand on his character a bit more. He's an opportunist-type person. That is to say, he is guided more by practical considerations rather than ideals. He sees selling weed as an easy profit, nothing more, nothing less. He is aware people will suffer as a result, but, to quote Colress from Pokemon: "Again, if the entire world is destroyed as a result, so be it..."
> 
> 3\. Yes, yes! I could only think of Big Smoke saying "Everyone's gonna remember that name —Big Smoke!" when seeing Heats Flamesman, so I changed his design to be like Big Smoke's.
> 
> 4\. Calling it the "Alphys Device" is not only a reference to Asgore's terrible naming ability, but the Magnusson Device from Half Life 2 Episode Two, a device created to destroy Striders.
> 
> 5\. The limerick is a reference to an ending in The Stanley Parable, obtained by getting out the first window in the office and choosing "Yes" when asked if you're sick of this gag yet.
> 
> 6\. Yes! An Oblivion reference! The Royal Guards were just dying to get that dialogue, so I granted their wish, heheh.
> 
> 7\. Mettaton's explanation of how Question Time works is a reference to the YTP "Donald Trumps everyone and everything".
> 
> 8\. Krell may or may not be based on Berdly.
> 
> 9\. The Spider Clan soldiers were somewhat based off the Saints from Hitman: Absolution and the Team Plasma Grunts from Pokemon Black and White. Skintight jumpsuits, armour plating and a few Medieval flourishes.
> 
> 10\. Araneae is just the scientific name for 'spider'. Arachne is a woman from Greek Mythology who was turne dinto a spider by Athena for challenging her to a weaving contest.
> 
> 11\. The questions Frisk is asked are indeed designed to try and make a point. As Frisk says, Mettaton isn't afraid of showing favouritism, but the other monsters want to make them answer predictably. In other words, they want Frisk to talk negatively about monsters.
> 
> 12\. Frisk doesn't name Toriel because they don't want her swamped with bullshit when she's already fragile and fucked-up. It's also something personal, between them and her, so it's just something they wouldn't tell someone like Mettaton.
> 
> 13\. Frisk did that monologue to piss Arachne off enough that she left an opening for them to attack. Them yelling "Mr. Crawl?" is a reference to Need for Speed: Carbon.
> 
> 14\. The bomb code? Simple. It's the bomb code from CS:GO.
> 
> 15\. By the way, Sans saying "I'm sure you'll change your mind" is based off something that happened at the annual Christmas street party I went to. My brother went into a candy store, and there was a lucky dip going on. The employee was desperately trying to sucker him into doing it, lavishing him with praises and the like. Crap like "You look pretty lucky" or "I can tell you've got good taste". He was steadfast and refused. The employee then just said, "I know you'll come back". Spoiler alert: he didn't.
> 
> 16\. The "Potland has the cannons, people" line is a reference to a line from an old Gravity Falls episode "The Stanchurian Candidate". Not a fan of the show anymore but I liked it when I was a bit younger, and I liked the sarcastic potential the line had.
> 
> 17\. Frisk calling the Clan a "shitty fuckin' cult" is a reference to a line from the TribeTwelve episode "The Order".
> 
> Well, that's that then. Also, a merry belated Christmas to all of you! I hope this extra-long chapter was a nice gift, heheh.
> 
> Tune in next time for another exciting episode of Ask the Human Twenty Questions,  
> \- offbrandbiscuit


	13. 13: That Chapter Where Frisk Becomes the New Walker, Texas Ranger

There was a familiar jolt as the elevator slowed, then stopped completely. The doors slid open; hot, blustery wind blew into Frisk's face. They ignored it for the time being; they still had work to do.

They stepped out, rocks crackling underneath their boots. They exhaled through their nose, looking around for any sign of life. Not far off, they spied a small group of buildings. _Well, guess that's where I'm going next,_ they thought. _Like there's anywhere_ else _I can go._

"I know now is not the most convenient time to talk, but talk we must," said Chara.

Frisk looked over at them for a moment, then back ahead. "About what?"

"Oh, maybe the fact you're being hunted down by a dangerous and powerful organisation with ample presence here?" they replied sarcastically.

Frisk gave a thoughtful hum. "Yeah. Pretty fucked."

Chara shot them a sour look. "Do you even care?"

"Yeah, I'd just rather not be bothered with this after literally doing impromptu cosmetic surgery on that spider's face," they said, deadpan.

"I suppose," they conceded. "I didn't want to bother you with it, believe me. Just focus on staying safe. That's all that matters."

Frisk idled momentarily, listening to the wind.

"Also... thanks. For not selling out Toriel," said Chara grudgingly. "That was a good thing you did back there."

"I know she meant a lot to you," they replied, sighing. They continued walking towards the settlement in silence. Halfway there their phone rang.

"HELLO, FRISK!" bellowed Papyrus. Frisk flinched at the intensity of his voice, but grinned anyway.

"H-hey, Paps!" they answered. "So, how are ya?"

"ABSOLUTELY SPLENDIFEROUS!" he said, sounding as though he were about to burst with pride. "I HAVE EXCITING NEWS FOR YOU! I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS... AM NOW HEAD OF THE ROYAL GUARD!"

"Huh?" asked Frisk, surprised. "Head of the Royal Guard?"

"YES INDEED!" he confirmed. "A LITTLE OVER AN HOUR AGO, I WAS APPROACHED BY TWO PEOPLE WHO USED TO BE UNDYNE'S RIGHT AND LEFT-HAND MEN BEFORE SHE WAS FIRED AND, YOU KNOW, WENT ON THE RUN. AND THEN THEY MADE ME HEAD OF THE ROYAL GUARD!"

Frisk chuckled. "That's great stuff, Pap. I'm proud of you."

"WHY, THANK YOU, FRISK!" he answered, making a decent attempt at sounding modest. "I CAN'T TAKE ALL THE CREDIT THOUGH. THROUGH... _UNFORESEEN CIRCUMSTANCES_ I BECAME HEAD OF THE ROYAL GUARD. SO, WHOEVER CONTROLS UNFORESEEN CIRCUMSTANCES OUT THERE... THANK YOU! FOR MAKING ME HEAD OF THE ROYAL GUARD!"

Frisk snickered. "Yeah. Whoever they are."

"NYEH HEH!" he said agreeably. "NOW, LISTEN UP, FRISK! I MAY BE HEAD OF THE ROYAL GUARD, BUT YOU ARE STILL MY FRIEND! SO, I WILL ASSIST YOU THE BEST I CAN, WHILE CONTINUING MY WORK!"

"But won't you get fired?" asked Frisk.

"NOT IF THEY DON'T FIND OUT!" he said dismissively. "NOW, HERE'S WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN. YOU ARE ON FLOOR THREE, RIGHT?"

"Yep."

"GOOD!" he said. "SO, I HAVE ASKED A... _FRIEND_ TO GIVE YOU SOME ITEMS THAT WILL BE VITAL TO YOUR SURVIVAL. WHAT WITH THOSE CREEPY CRAWLIES CHASING YOU AND THE GUARD'S INCREASING DESPERATION TO FIND YOU, I THINK YOU'LL FIND THESE QUITE USEFUL."

"Are they in a small town close to the elevator?" asked Frisk.

"THEY SHOULD BE, UNLESS SOMEONE'S GONE AND MOVED THEM," said Papyrus, with an added "NYEH HEH!".

"Alright," said Frisk. "Where should I look?"

"IN THE GENERAL STORE," Papyrus replied. "ASK FOR... WHAT WAS HIS NAME? WARM FIREMAN... BURNING FLAMEMALE... NO, THAT'S JUST NOT IT." He groaned.

"That rings a bell... Is it Heats Flamesman?" suggested Frisk.

Papyrus snapped his fingers. "YES, THAT'S IT! ASK FOR HIM. SAY 'I REMEMBER YOUR NAME'. THAT'S THE SECRET CODE WORD, IN CASE YOU'RE INTERESTED."

"Alright, will do," said Frisk. "Hey, Papyrus... thanks a lot. It really means a lot to have you watching out for me."

"IT WAS NO TROUBLE!" he insisted. "I'M JUST HAPPY TO HELP! SPEAKING OF WHICH, COULD YOU TELL MR FLAMESMAN THAT I REMEMBERED HIS NAME? IT WOULD BE HIGHLY EMBARRASSING FOR ME IF HE FOUND OUT I HAD NOT REMEMBERED SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS THAT."

Frisk nodded. "Of course! I'm heading there now. I'll call later, okay?"

"OKILY-DOKILY!" he said. "BYE-BYE FOR NOW!"

"Stay cool, Paps."

"ALWAYS!" he snickered, then hung up.

Frisk put their phone back in their pocket, smiling. "Y'know, Papyrus _is_ pretty cool," they said. starting towards the cluster of buildings on the horizon. "Way cooler than Sans, that's for sure."

Within a minute or two, they had reached the town centre. It was creepy just how quiet it was in comparison to the bustling nature of Potland. 'Ghost town' just about summed it up. Frisk only saw a few monsters as they walked around, searching for the general store. None of said monsters even acknowledged them, which Frisk found rather odd. For a place teeming with militia members, Royal Guard personnel and Spider Clan soldiers, they expected a more aggressive-looking settlement with lots of big and scary-looking monsters. Then again, it was most likely a facade to hide the inevitable ambush. This fact was what made Frisk stay on guard.

But nothing was to come. Despite how ripe the place was for a set-up, nobody tried to jump them or even _talk_ to them. They made it to the general store uninterrupted. They went through the door, looking around at the many fully stocked shelves. The store seemed to be empty, but Frisk knew that wasn't so. They approached the counter and rung the bell.

A tired-looking monster dressed in a button-up shirt and slacks peeked out from around the doorway. "State your business."

Frisk met his eyes and said, "Tell Heats that Papyrus remembered his name."

The monster narrowed an eye behind his glasses. "I see. I'll let him know," they replied, ducking back behind the corner. Frisk waited patiently until the short flame monster appeared. "Hey hey," he greeted. "Did'ja remember my name?"

Frisk snorted. "Obviously. Heats Flamesman."

"How could I be so easily defeeateeeed?" he cried. "Alright, deal's a deal. Friend of yours had a few of these things he wanted me to give you. They're in the back room, I'll show ya."

Frisk nodded. "Sure thing. Just don't try anything funny."

Heats rolled his eyes. "I work for a paycheck, I'm hardly gonna piss in a new client's mouth like that."

Frisk snorted as they followed Heats out back. The 'back room' was a storage area filled with more shelves, a few cabinets, a makeshift dressing room and about a million piled-up cardboard boxes. Heats crossed the room and took down a box. He pulled out a box-cutter and made a thin cut in the tape.

He opened it up, starting to hand things to them. "So, here's item number one. Trilby. Nothin' special about it," he said.

"That's _my_ job," Chara remarked. Frisk took the hat in their hands, turning it over. It was coloured steel grey with a dark grey stripe through the middle.

"And, uh... this thing. Uh... I think it's a bandanna or somethin'," said Heats, tossing it over to them. Frisk caught it in their hands, looking down at it. It was outlined in a light purple, the rest of it being a purplish blue.

 _I think I get it,_ they thought. _These are to hide my face and change my appearance. Papyrus, you madman._

"Here's a good one," said Heats, handing it over. "Trench coat. Not much else to say."

"You're talking me out of a job," said Chara wryly, turning their gaze to the trench coat. It was coloured a dull blue with equally dull purple accents.

"Good one indeed," said Frisk, nodding agreeably in Heats' direction. "Anything else?"

"I think this was supposed to be combined with the coat," he said, tossing a holster to them. Frisk stared at it, bewildered. _A holster? Aren't those for..._

"Lastly (and I really _do_ love this one)," he said, reaching into the box, "is _this_ beauty." He withdrew a revolver and placed it on a nearby table. Frisk couldn't help but approach it. A modified antique revolver.

"I think I'm in love," said Frisk. "Tell me how you got it."

"Well, I figure it belonged to a human," said Heats. "Monsters don't exactly manufacture guns. Don't know how, but it ended up falling into these two kids' hands. Had to pay about half a thousand gold so they'd go and cough it up. Then, your buddy asked me to pass it on."

"So, what have they done with the thing?"

"Well, the chamber's aluminium, so it's a little lighter," he said. "The handle's custom woodwork, I'd guess maple or mahogany. And on that front, they've also added a nice modern grip in the middle of the handle, so it shouldn't slip outta your hands any time soon." He paused, surveying the gun for a moment longer. "That'd also make the recoil easier to manage. Oh yeah, they've also done some basic engravings on the metal. 'Justice & Retribution'. Hot."

Frisk nodded. "Anything else?"

"There's a longer barrel, that should increase velocity. The speed-loader is also a nice and useful addition. There's also a silencer, a small one, so that'll quiet it down a bit. Not much, mind you. If you're in the market for a near-silent killer, I've got a lovely pair I've been achin' to sell off. Could be a one-of-a-kind. I warn ya, they don't come cheap."

Frisk shook their head. "I'm good, thanks. So, that's all?"

Heats peered inside the box, then pushed it away. "Yep, that's all."

"Sweet," they said, turning their eyes back to the gun. "So, it's mine now, huh."

"Yeah, unless you wanna leave it with me. I'm sure I'll be able to find another buyer," said Heats, shrugging.

Frisk scoffed. "Are you kidding? No way am I letting this slip through my fingers." They reached towards it, hand freezing halfway there. "The safety's on, right?"

Now it was Heats' turn to scoff. "'Course it is. What do I look like, a lunatic?"

Frisk shrugged. "Well, it's been great, but I'll have to be on my way now," they said.

"Alright," he said. "Pleasure doin' business with ya. Oh, and... remember my name."

Frisk tipped their trilby. "Hard to forget a name like that."

Heats gave a low chuckle. He was just walking out when he stopped, looking over his shoulder at them. "If you wanna buy any... _useful_ items, just let me know. I've got plenty that might interest ya."

"I'll come have a look. Just a moment," they replied.

"Well, when you're ready, turn right and take the first door on your left," he said, disappearing out the door.

"Alright," they said, cracking their knuckles. "I'll get myself gussied up before I head out."

They pulled the bandanna (which had already been tied) down over their head, bringing it to rest on their neck. They placed the trilby on their head, then pulled the trench coat on, rolling the sleeves up just past their elbows.. Then, they carefully placed the revolver inside their holster, making sure the safety was still on.

Chara snorted. "Your budget outlaw get-up fills you with shame," they said.

Frisk found a dusty mirror and studied their appearance. A huge grin spread across their face. "Best budget deal of a lifetime!" they replied enthusiastically. "The eyes of the ranger are upon you..."

"When you're done fantasising about overthrowing Walker as Texas Ranger, there's work to be done," said Chara boredly.

"Alright, just a sec," said Frisk, fishing their phone out of their pocket. "I'm calling Papyrus back."

They selected his contact, then waited for him to answer. They heard him say, "I APOLOGISE, BUT I _REALLY_ HAVE TO TAKE THIS!" then clear his throat. "HELLO, HUBERT!"

Frisk raised an eyebrow. _Hubert?_

"SO, DO YOU HAVE EVERYTHING YOU NEED?" he asked.

"Yeah, I do," Frisk replied. "Thanks for everything, Papyrus. You really came through for me."

"NO TROUBLE AT ALL!" he insisted. "I HAD THAT COAT CUSTOM-MADE, IN CASE THAT INTERESTS YOU!"

"It did look that way," said Frisk, their lips curling into a smile.

"NYEH HEH!" A pause. "NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GO. I'M IN A MEETING, YOU SEE."

"Sorry to interrupt," they answered.

"OH, THAT'S FINE," he chuckled. Then, in a whisper: "IT'S ACTUALLY VERY BORING."

"I have a feeling that things are going to get a lot more interesting very soon," said Frisk knowingly.

"I HOPE YOU'RE RIGHT!" he replied. When he spoke again, he sounded a bit flustered. "S-SORRY FRIEND, BUT I HAVE TO GO NOW. FRIEDA IS GIVING ME THE EVIL EYE." He didn't talk for a few seconds. Then, all of a sudden: "REALLY? WELL, IN THAT CASE, I'LL SEND YOU THE GUARD'S HOTLINE. CALL THEM IF THERE'S ANYTHING TO REPORT."

"Will do," they said knowingly. "Take care of yourself, Paps."

"WILL DO," he replied, hanging up.

Not even a few seconds later, their phone dinged. Probably the hotline number. "Now, let's take a quick look at what Heats has on offer."

As it turned out, he had plenty to offer. Grappling hooks he claimed had belonged to the Royal Guard, a few knives that Chara unsuccessfully tried to talk Frisk into buying, remote explosives and a book on how to make them. But all Frisk ended up buying were a few smoke bombs and a pair of brown leather gloves, depleting at least three hundred gold from their Dimensional Box reserves.

As Frisk was leaving, Chara still berating them for their 'poor choice of purchase', they caught a glimpse of the time on a clock. "Jesus, I spent almost an hour in there!" they said in dismay. "I gotta make up for lost time. C'mon, Chara." Then, two seconds later: "Wish we had a horse. Would make things so much quicker."

Chara sighed. "Face facts, Frisk. You will never be the new Walker, Texas Ranger."

Frisk smirked. "'Never'? Are you sure?"

Chara shook their head, deciding to change the subject. "So, do you have a plan?" they asked. "Both the Royal Guard and the Spider Clan are hunting you, you've lost your mind and become an impromptu gunslinger... what will you do now?"

"Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you," lied Frisk. " _We_ —" they said, putting serious emphasis on 'we', "—are going to locate the Spider Clan's headquarters and break in!"

Chara stared at them, eyes overflowing with disbelief. "Say that again, with a straight face."

"We're going to break into the Spider Clan's house," said Frisk, pulling their trademark stoic expression. "I figure it'd be nice to pay them a visit and settle our differences like gentlemen _._ "

"Well, don't expect me to feel sorry for you when Muffet devours you," said Chara contemptibly.

"Oh, relax," said Frisk. "I'm not an idiot. I _know_ I can do this. I'll find her and knock her off her high and mighty tuffet."

Chara couldn't help but grin. "Witty."

"Thanks. Now, let's get going."

They headed down the path, leaving the town behind. They walked for a little while, before spotting something up ahead. It was a huge, wide-open door. The only problem was that there was a bake sale going on right next to the door. One run by spiders.

"Careful, careful."

Frisk held out their hand, letting a yellow ball of light gather in their palm. It burst, scattering energy particles through the air. "There," they said. "SAVED. Now, let's try and look casual."

"As casual as you can look when you're dressed like that."

"Now who won't let it go?" jabbed Frisk, pulling their trilby down a little and the bandanna up to cover the lower half of their face. They started walking towards the doorway at a medium pace.

"Take your hands out of your pockets," said Chara.

They obeyed, letting them rest by their sides. Within thirty seconds, they were upon the bake sale. A spider was sitting there, dressed in a sharp, no doubt tailor-made suit and tall, black heels. Her sleek hair was done up in twin pigtails, adding a bit of contrast to her vivid periwinkle skin.

"That's her. Muffet," said Chara.

"Excuse me, dearie," she said. Her voice was the definition of money. Frisk turned to look at her. "Mmhmm?"

"Would you consider donating to a noble cause?" she asked. To Frisk, it sounded more like a demand than a request.

"What's this 'noble cause'?" asked Frisk, deciding to humour her.

She gave a high-pitched giggle. "Well, dearie, the spider clans are separated by Blowdin's chilling temperatures. We're trying to raise enough money to reunite them."

 _I doubt that's the only reason,_ they thought. "How much?"

"Oh no, dearie," said Muffet, shaking her head. "I wouldn't want a donor to give us money and get nothing in return for it."

"What do you have in mind?" they asked.

She tilted her head at them, smiling a creepy smile. "It's simple, dearie. I'm selling baked goods. You purchase one, and every coin goes to funding our cause. And in case you're interested," she added, "they _will_ get you high."

"A lot of demand for baked goods that _get_ you baked, huh?" said Frisk.

Muffet gave a knowing laugh. "One studies the market trends very closely in order to succeed, dearie."

"Wouldn't doubt that," they answered, examining the trays. There was quite the variety there. Croissants, muffins, doughnuts, eclairs, cream buns and yes, brownies.

"How much?" they asked, having no intention of forking out money for any of that crap.

"Nine thousand nine hundred and ninety nine gold, take your pick," she said, without so much as a shred of sarcasm.

Frisk looked at her, deadpan. "You get what you pay for, I guess," they said. "And what you pay for is overpriced garbage."

"I'll have you know that my baked goods won first prize in the Official Potland Bake-Off," she snarled, leaning over the counter menacingly.

"First prize. Is that right? They must have really low standards," said Frisk, walking off. "Stick that croissant in your pipe and smoke it, lady. I'm outta here."

As Frisk was walking, they passed a cat monster, who was staring at a pure black doughnut with purple icing, shaking badly. "I bought a doughnut," he kept saying to himself. "She kept looking at me, so I bought it... now I'm out of money."

After they went through the door and rounded the corner, they started running, hoping to get away from the bake sale area as quickly as possible. They hoped that Muffet hadn't heard the rapidity of their footsteps. They approached the doorway. There was a signpost with a crudely drawn image of turrets firing bullets at a stick figure. Below, it read "SENTRY TURRETS IN USE PAST THIS POINT. AUTHORISED PERSONNEL ONLY."

"I'm authorised personnel, _but_ ," said Frisk, approaching the scanner, "Passcodes are suckers." They pulled the Alphys Device out of their pocket and gave the box a jolt. The screen filled with hashes and the doors began sliding open. Frisk quickly slipped through. What they saw took them by surprise.

It was like an oil platform there, with its many crates, forklifts and markings on the concrete floor. There were a few scissor lifts here and there, some unoccupied, some holding one or two monsters. In the middle of it all, there was a pit of lava the size of an Olympic swimming pool that had been fenced off.

Someone came on the PA system. "Ugh, what next in the stream of constant interruptions? Somebody get down there and find out what the hell's going on with the door!"

Frisk cursed, quickly ducking behind some crates as a few monsters approached the doorway. They peered out from around the corner as the monsters pulled the box cover off the wall, examining the burnt circuitry. One pulled a walkie-talkie out of his pocket and said, "Security box 's been tampered with. Probably a bunch of kids or somethin'. Door's closed now, but report any suspicious behaviour."

He sighed, turning to his female colleague. "Great. That makes four."

"The kitchen cabinets, two of the lifts, the air-conditioning in the break room and now the security box," she counted out, shaking her head. "So much for the 'strong, advanced build quality'."

"I wouldn't talk about it that loud," he replied. "Don't need another reason to get called up to the boss's office."

"Yeah, I guess," she conceded. "He's such an oddball. I heard he carries the master key to the building on his person. Acts like he's the CEO of some nuclear weapons company or somethin'." She gave a derisive snort.

The other monster didn't reply. Frisk watched through a gap in between the boxes until they disappeared around the corner.

 _Okay, so there's gotta be another exit,_ thought Frisk. _The boss is a paranoiac with the key to the whole building. There's no way I'm getting it off him without alerting everyone._ They frowned. _If I can get him away from that room, maybe I could find some other way to get out._

They peeked around the corner. Seeing no one, they retreated from cover and headed down a small alley. A set of mobile offices sat there, wheels replaced with stacks of bricks. They kept their head down as they moved past the windows. They looked around the corner. There was a wall-mounted turret on the second level that would see them if they moved.

 _No wonder they don't seem to have any security cameras,_ thought Frisk. _They've already got sentry turrets._

"Hey, hey," said a voice. "Whatta you two doin'?"

"Nothin', boss," said another.

"Exactly!" said the boss. "There's your problem, now fix it!" Then, off he went, grumbling as he went.

"Come on, man," said one. "Let's get back to work, I guess."

"Well, guess there's nothing else better to do," said the second.

Frisk smirked. _I think we found Sans and Paps's parents. They're going to be_ so _pleased._

They turned their attention back to the turret. It was going to see them, no doubt. So, how where they going to get past it?

"You can't disable it, that'll just bring people over to look at it. And if the turret can see you, so could they," said Chara. "A disguise is out of the question, they can probably scan your soul or something. Hmm..."

_That's it! Chara, you're a bloody genius._

"What?"

Frisk grabbed an empty crate, took the lid off and turned it upside down. They got down underneath it, now hidden by the box.

Chara sighed. "While that is clever, I doubt it will work. There aren't even any eye-holes for you to look out of," they pointed out.

"So, I'll make some," said Frisk. The tip of their finger ignited with a small particle of energy. They guided it to the wall of the box, allowing it to burn away the wood. They did this once more before testing it.

"Works like a charm," they said, moving the box forward. Chara couldn't help but smile.

"The knowledge that Solid Snake approves this tactic fills you with determination."

Frisk checked the corner once more. Nobody around. They dragged the box over to a huge pillar, pulling it off of them to look around. There were many pillars on this side, meaning plenty of cover. They checked around the first pillar. Nobody there. They moved past a few pillars, then stopped to peek. Lots of people around. They would never be able to get to the other side without ending up like that chicken that tried to cross the road.

Slowly, they were formulating a plan. Get to an unoccupied lift, use it to reach level two where there would surely be an exit.

 _Do you reckon there's a map of this place somewhere?_ asked Frisk.

"Check with Alphys," said Chara.

Frisk headed back to their box, hiding underneath it before taking out their phone and calling Alphys.

"H-hey," she greeted. "Haven't heard from you in a while."

"I need your help with something," said Frisk.

"O-oh! Of course! That's all I ever do!" said Alphys, exasperated. "Well? S-spill it!"

"I'm on some kind of work site. Floor three. Lifts, turrets, the works. Got a map of the place? I just need an exit."

"Potland Industrial Sector," she said. "Y-you're in the Turret Factory. T-there's a fire escape door on the second level."

"Alright, thank you," said Frisk, hanging up.

"How are you going to get past everyone?" asked Chara. "The only unoccupied lift is across from you."

"I'll find some way," said Frisk. They retreated from the box, rounding the corner, keeping their head down. They passed many pillars until they reached the opposite wall. They peered around the corner. There was an empty lift down the path. The only problem was that there was a monster standing near it. Oh, and two turrets.

They stood, casually strolling past the first pillar. The turrets from before seemed not to have any peripheral vision, meaning Frisk could stand here without being shot. But they needed to act quickly, otherwise someone would see them.

They moved quickly to the next pillar, hiding behind it. The two turrets swung around to face them, side guns popping out of their casing. Frisk quickly jolted the two of them, dodging the few bullets the second one fired. Naturally, the monster was spooked, but he didn't move. Frisk stepped out from behind the pillar, zapping him. He groaned, slumping to the floor.

"Alright, can't waste time. Those turrets are only offline for thirty seconds," they muttered, clambering over the barrier and into the lift. Two buttons, each with an arrow, one pointing up, the other pointing down. Frisk pressed the first, crossing their arms as the lift rose. After a short wait, it stopped. They climbed out, spotting maybe three monsters spread across the balcony-like floor. And, lo and behold, the fire escape door over to the right! They jiggled the door handle, resulting in nothing but harsh resistance.

"Okay, shit. How do I open a door that's stuck in concrete?" asked Frisk. They spotted a monster casually walking towards them. _He looks like an idiot. I'll get him to open it._

"Hey, you!" shouted Frisk. "Could'ja help me open this door?"

He looked confused. "Uh, that's a fire escape door. Can't you just take the regular exit like a normal person?" he suggested suspiciously.

"Don't ya think I would? It is an emergency, goddamn it!" demanded Frisk.

"Alright, chill," said the monster. "The handle is a dud, so people stop tripping the alarm. It's the emergency door _sign_ that opens it."

Frisk looked at the red circle with a fleeing figure inside it. It was a button. "Oh... clever. Thanks for that," they said.

"Hey, no problem. You must be the new guy or somethin'," he said, walking a few steps away, but then stopped. He turned around just as they pressed the button, an alarm blaring. "Hey, wait a sec!"

"Disguise blown," said Chara.

"Sorry, no can do!" shouted Frisk, slamming the door behind them. They ran down a flight of stairs, rounding the corner and continuing down the stairwell. After going down a few more stairs, they reached a set of sliding doors. They jolted the card reader with the Alphys Device and took off running the moment the doors were so much as ajar.

The guards' posts were abandoned. Maybe that bought them a little time, or maybe they had barely any. They weren't sure. What they _were_ sure of was that they needed to put as much distance between that building and themselves, and fast.

Nobody burst out and tried to halt them. They left the building behind, reaching the centre of yet another town. The houses were elaborate sculptures of steel and glass, and the streets slow and relaxed. People sat in cafés, drinking iced teas and bantering. No one paid any attention to Frisk, which was good.

They headed over to an empty alley, taking out their phone and calling Alphys.

"Hey," she greeted. "Everything go okay?"

"Oh yeah, it went well," said Frisk. "By the way, know where the Spider Clan are holed up?"

"N-no idea." Pause. "I think they hang in a tower on the opposite side of the Industrial Sector," she answered. Then, cautiously: "W-why do you ask?"

"No reason. Later," they said, hanging up before she could ask any more questions.

"Alright, now we can go have a little chat with Miss Muffet," said Frisk, pocketing their phone.

"Wouldn't it be much easier and far safer to just leave this all behind?" suggested Chara.

They shrugged. "Yeah, but I still want to get even with her."

With that, they stepped out from the alley. They walked out into the centre of town, glancing around, looking for a tall building. It didn't take long to find it. A tall, neo-Georgian tower over to the right. "There you are," they muttered. "Well, let's get going."

As they were walking over to the tower, they realised it was going to take a little while. So, they decided to make some small talk. "I have a question."

"You have a lot of those."

"What do you think will happen when I meet the king?"

"I've thought long and hard about that," Chara replied. "But I honestly have no answer for you. I haven't seen him in a long time. Circumstances change people."

Frisk shrugged. "I guess we'll just have to wait and see, then."

The two continued in silence for a few minutes more, before Frisk asked, "Any good memories of this place?"

"Well, I never spent that much time in the Industrial Sector," said Chara. "It's not really all that special."

Frisk nodded. "Fair."

"But, I will admit that some of the architecture here is truly captivating," said Chara. "The CORE is a fine example of that. I suppose you will see it soon enough."

"The outside was pretty interesting," said Frisk. "Looked like a huge engine."

"The inside is a thousand times better," Chara insisted.

"From someone who lived here, I reckon I can trust you," said Frisk. "Now, the time has come: Muffet's Tower, dead ahead."

There was a wide gravel path leading up to a pointy metal gate obviously designed to spear intruders, not keep them out. An insignia carved out of metal had been welded to the middle of the gate, split in two. An elegant marble fountain lay in the centre of the grounds. The tower itself was a neo-Georgian apartment block with a balcony on every few levels. It had obviously been gutted inside and remade as an elaborate base of operations. And soon, Frisk was going to be inside, prowling the corridors in search of the top floor, where Miss Muffet herself would surely be hiding. All crime lords hid at the top of their buildings, which presented many benefits, mainly easy escape and the fact it made it much much harder for any intruders to get to them.

"Time to put your money where your mouth is," said Chara. "Or in Muffet's pockets."

Two guards were standing within the grounds by the gate. They didn't appear armed, but Frisk knew they would be. They looked around, making sure there were no cameras. When they were satisfied, they pulled the bandanna up a little, resting a hand on the handle of the Alphys Device within their pocket. They approached the gate, calling out "excuse me". The guards looked over at them.

"What do you want?" asked one rudely. "This area is restricted to non-members."

"I know," said Frisk. "Just asking for directions."

"Where to?" asked the second.

"Your mum's house," said Frisk, snickering.

The spiders both scowled. They looked like they were about to respond, but Frisk gave them no time, zapping the both of them through the gate. They fell to the floor like rag dolls. Frisk pulled the gates open (for some reason, Muffet hadn't thought to have it locked), passing the two unconscious spiders. They hummed to themselves as they circled the building, looking for an alternate entry. After all, only an irrational person would try to go through the front door. Though Frisk had never been what you'd describe as rational.

"I wonder, is there an exterior entrance to the basement?" they asked under their breath. "Maintenance room, back door or anything?"

"Surely there has to be," said Chara. "And if there aren't, there may be vents you can crawl through, or perhaps use the balconies."

"That _could_ work," said Frisk, thinking for a moment. "But if I went through the vents they'd hear the clanking and come investigate. Anyway, we have no idea _where_ those vents go. And the balconies are too high up for me to reach. Anyway, even if I _did_ get there, if I went in, they'd spot me automatically."

"That is quite the dilemma," said Chara.

"There's _got_ to be a basement entrance around here, there's _got_ to be," said Frisk. "But, I've already checked three times. There aren't any. So, it's either vents or balconies, and neither are looking too good."

"Also, there appear to be around eight or nine floors there," said Chara. "And the balconies stop at the fifth floor. So, even if you made it up there, you'd need to go inside, leading to immediate capture."

"You're absolutely right, partner," said Frisk. "And we have no idea what's inside to begin with. But, I have a solution." They took out their phone and called Alphys.

"Hey. Could you get me a map of the Spider Clan's hideout?" they asked.

"S-seriously? Don't be stupid!" shouted Alphys. "T-that place is a deathtrap, you go in there, you'll never come back out!"

"I won't hold you accountable," said Frisk. "Just shoot me that map."

She was silent a moment, then sighed in defeat. "Fine. But, like you said, i-it's on you."

"Sweet."

She hung up, then sent an image of the tower's eight floors. Frisk studied each of them closely, finding inspiration everywhere, though all of it required the subtle art of not being caught, which was impossible when everyone looked the same.

_Wait a second..._

"Hey, Chara," said Frisk. "On the third floor, there's a dressing room. You reckon they keep spare uniforms in there?"

"Are you seriously suggesting a disguise?" asked Chara.

"Well, that's one of my ideas, but yes," said Frisk. "Thoughts?"

"It certainly has its merits," admitted Chara. "They all wear the same uniform, giving them no reason to be suspicious. And there are voice changers in the masks, so your voice wouldn't give you away. The only issue is if they did, for whatever reason become suspicious and remove your mask."

"If that happens, I go to plan Z," said Frisk. "Now to go about executing Plan A." They thought for a moment. "Floor three has a balcony, so does two. But naturally, one doesn't. So how do we get to the second floor balcony?"

"Is there a maintenance shed anywhere on the grounds?" asked Chara. "They might keep ladders in there."

"Yeah, there's one over there," said Frisk, pointing out the small structure over in the corner. They headed over, finding the door locked by a regular ol' pedestrian padlock. _Of course._

"Do you have anything that you could use to pick it?" asked Chara.

"No."

"Break it then."

Frisk summoned their sword and, with the power of Alexander the Great shining through them, sliced the lock clean off. They opened the door, finding a mess of tools and other gardening equipment. They scanned the room, spotting a ladder nestled in the corner. They dragged it out of the shed, carrying it over to the tower. They undid all the locks, extending it to its full length. They propped it up against the wall of the tower, and started climbing. As they reached the seventh step, their eyes faintly glimpsed the ground so far away from them. They swallowed, trying to control their breathing despite the anxiety plaguing their being.

"You're afraid of heights," observed Chara.

"Y-yeah," they muttered, face flushing. "It's really dumb, huh?"

"Yes, I suppose it is," conceded Chara. "But to you it isn't."

"Oh, it is," they insisted. "Being hunted by Undyne, that's fear I can justify. But fear of heights after everything I've been through?" They shook their head.

"Just keep your eyes away from the ground and your heart on what you want to achieve," said Chara.

"Yeah, 'cause _that_ helps," muttered Frisk bitterly.

Once they reached the top of the ladder, they looked up. The balcony was still a bit further up. "Fuck, what now?" they asked.

"Use your Barrier spell," suggested Chara. "Remember how you moved it after those turrets had you surrounded?"

"Why didn't I just do that before?" asked Frisk, sighing. They conjured a red sphere around themselves, willing it to carry them to the third floor balcony. It did just as it was told.

They stepped out onto the balcony, keeping away from the large arched doorway. They brought forth their determination, summoning a SAVE point.

"The knowledge that there is always a magical solution to all of life's problems fills you with determination," said Chara.

"Except this one," muttered Frisk, peeking around the corner. A few spiders were lying on the chintzy, blood-red lounges, talking with each other in dulcet tones. They all wore the standard Spider Clan uniforms with formal clothes over it. There was a door over to their left that was labelled "Dressing Room". There were many wood sculptures, beautiful lamps and dark carpets. All this topped with a spiced orange for the walls and tobacco brown for the trim gave the floor a warm, comforting feel. Except in reality, it was the exact opposite.

_Some decent cover here and there, but I'll need to keep all of their eyes off that door so I can get in. And when I get out. They'll know who went in there and who didn't. Using the fourth floor balcony to escape is a no, since it'll arouse suspicion. I'll have to sneak past them and take the stairs._

They already had a few ideas on how to distract them. They took out their pen and grabbed hold of one of the buttons on their trench coat, slicing away at the string holding it there. With some persuading, it came off. They held it tightly in their gloved hand. _Okay, an auditory distraction is a good one, but I need to make sure I can get somewhere that enables me a quick dash to the door. Oh, and I'll have to time it right so the camera doesn't see me._

The camera was the kind that rotated left and right, but had a good view of the room either way. Except Frisk could tell just by looking at it that if you hid behind the sculptures, it wouldn't have a hope in hell of seeing them.

They listened closely to what the spiders were saying.

"Yes, that one, right there, just came in..."

"Ah yes, that is one of Rasta's, isn't it? Had quite the affinity for... psychedelic artwork, didn't he?"

"Indeed, but all the same, you can't help but keep staring..."

_Perfect. Now I just have to make sure the camera isn't watching._

The camera was leaning left, meaning it could see the dressing room entrance and some of the sculptures. But behind them? Not a chance. Frisk, staying low, moved silently around the corner, hiding behind the sculpture of a griffin. They removed their trilby, gripping it in their right hand.

"Interesting, isn't it, how he uses paint splashes to create a blending effect?"

"Indeed, though we can't all say it is our cup of tea..."

The camera slowly panned to the right. The spiders were still discussing the painting. Frisk took the button in between their index finger and thumb, tossing it over the head of the griffin. It clattered against a wooden desk, drawing all the spiders' attention towards it.

"What was that?"

Frisk moved quickly towards the dressing room door. They gently turned the knob, slowly opening it, peeking through the crack in the door to make sure no one was in there, all the while making sure nor the spiders nor the camera saw them.

The room was empty. They stole inside, shutting it quietly behind them, making sure to lock it. They headed over to a large closet, finding a Dimensional Box near it. They typed in their password on the Dimensional Box app Alphys had installed on their phone, syncing it with the Box before them. They looked in the closet, finding a few suits with yakuza-like colours, some ties, a few skirts and formal trousers, and then the jumpsuits. They took one, grabbing a mask from the box inside. It was an interesting creation. Both genres of theatre, comedy and tragedy, combined in one mask. One half was the grin of a somebody laughing at a funny joke, the other half the unmistakable frown of one afflicted by grief.

"Need some clothes to go with it," they muttered, looking through the clothes. "Hmm... this'll do," they added, taking a white formal shirt from the hangers.

They undressed, tossing their shirt and trousers in the Dimensional Box. They unzipped the back of the black jumpsuit and stepped into it, grimacing at the tightness. They zipped up the back and pulled their coat over it. Then, they placed the mask over their face, tightening the strap so it wasn't in danger of falling off. They tied the belt around their waist, placing their revolver in the holster. Then, pulling their boots on, they stepped back to survey their reflection in the mirrors.

"Well, now you look just plain ridiculous," said Chara.

Frisk shrugged. _Well, at least I look like one of them._

"Which you would not have had to worry about had you not chosen to infiltrate the Spider Clan's headquarters," they berated.

Frisk didn't really have a rebuttal to that other than, _At least I won't be spotted immediately._ They took out their phone, surveying the floor plans. The fourth floor was essentially a library. The fifth floor was a drinks lounge with poker machines and other card games to blow one's stolen cash on. There were elevator entrances on each floor save for the eighth, though Frisk wanted to use the stairs for the most part, considering everyone else would be in the elevators. However, the floor plans stated that the stairs didn't go as far as the seventh floor. They only reached to the sixth, and the elevator was required to get to the seventh, which seemed to be mostly storage rooms. Then again, who knew what Muffet was hiding on that floor?

They decided to worry about their next move once they reached the fifth floor, i.e where the balconies stopped. They could go out there and think, without looking too suspicious.

Right now, they just had to worry about getting to the stairwell opposite the balcony. So long as the spiders kept their eyes on the painting and the camera was pointing to the right, they'd make it just fine. Thankfully, this turned out to be fairly easy.

They peeked out through the crack in the door, waiting for the camera to pan rightwards. When it did, they silently sneaked past the three spiders still gushing over the painting (which looked awful, by the way) and into the stairwell. Making sure they were out of the camera's field of vision, they stood up straight and started walking up the stairs, placing their trilby back on their head. Despite the easy entry, they had the feeling it was all going to go to shit eventually. That they were sure of.

They reached a door marked "4". Frisk noticed that it was an electronic door, meaning if they could find the control room, they could lock all the doors. Then again, they didn't want that to happen if they were inside, so they'd proceed with caution on that front.

As the floor plan had said, it was a library with many tall shelves stacked full of books and spiders in chintzy armchairs reading. _They really like chintz, don't they?_ they thought, eyes still glancing around the room. Like all the other floors, it had a high ceiling, crystal chandelier and dark carpets. There were sets of formula red curtains at each window, currently drawn. Despite Frisk's brilliant disguise, they were still nervous.

They attempted to look casual, remembering the deliberate, long strides that the spiders had given when interrupting Mettaton's show. Walking differently could ruin everything. Their movements felt strange; the jumpsuit's frame-hugging material gave them the feeling that there was nothing in the way of their body, that they could move more freely, but each movement felt forced despite that. They assumed it was due to them never having worn such attire before, and that even the Spider Clan's members had felt it the first time they stepped into it.

They kept their hands in their pockets, acutely aware of the camera watching them. They spied the elevator door out of the corner of their eye. Two spiders were standing at both sides of it.

"I know what you're thinking, and I have to say that's your worst idea yet," said Chara. "They'll spot you for sure, you being that close. Don't take the risk."

 _Well, you can't spell "Frisk" without the word "risk",_ they quipped, strolling over, They were just about to call the elevator when one of the spiders put a hand on their shoulder. "Excuse me," she said, voice warped through her mask. "Are you authorised to ride the elevator?"

Frisk tilted their head questioningly at her. "I am new here, so I am unsure." Their voice sounded strange, even foreign to them coming out of their mask. Then again, it would have done due to the different speech pattern they were utilising.

"Oh! that explains why I didn't recognise your body structure," she giggled. "Miss Muffet has simply restricted any unauthorised personnel from riding the elevators. Exactly why is unknown to myself and many others, but surely she has a good reason."

"Yes indeed," Frisk agreed. "I apologise for wasting your time."

"Oh, no trouble at all, dearie," she said, waving it away. "We're all new at some point."

Frisk nodded, turning and heading back to the stairwell. The spider asked, "As you're new, would you like a tour of the building?"

Frisk shook their head. "No thank you. I appreciate the offer, though." They turned back and continued back to the stairwell. As they ascended to the fifth floor, they thought, _See? Nothing to worry about._

"You're an idiot," was all Chara had to say.

Fifth floor, same as the plan stated. A very dignified casino full of people smoking pipes, drinking wine and playing poker or whatever. Frisk could see even from here that there were guards at the elevator doors just as there had been on the fourth floor. So how were they going to get past them? Persuade them that Muffet wanted to see them? They'd probably validate it with her, and that would bring the whole facade down.

 _Well, guess I have no choice but to unleash some chaos chaos,_ they thought, grinning behind their mask. _But not now, and definitely not here. Maybe on the sixth floor._

"Your plan doesn't appear to be going as smoothly as you'd hoped. Quitting now would be the wisest choice you could make," said Chara.

_I appreciate it, but it's still a nope._

The sixth floor was going to be a challenge, since it would start ringing alarm bells. They would be only one floor away from the heavily guarded seventh floor, meaning said guards would be sent down to investigate. Then, they could slip into the elevator and get to the seventh, which had the entry to the eighth floor, and probably the control room.

Then again, the guards would probably notice someone leaving in the elevator, meaning they might meet conflict on the way out. They were ready for that possibility.

They headed up the stairs, keeping their guard up. Then, there it was. The sixth floor's entry. Frisk checked their phone. The sixth floor was a meeting room, which, in mafia terms, meant "where we count our money and discuss future business plans". Frisk peered around the corner, seeing spiders sitting around a table talking. In short, it looked like a regular ol' meeting.

They decided this was their chance. They'd just go up to the elevator and request to see Miss Muffet on the basis that they had information on the human that had to be delivered directly. They began walking towards the elevator, again guarded by two spiders.

The two spiders looked over at Frisk, then nodded in the direction of the table. Everyone at the table drew their guns. Frisk stopped immediately, groaning. The sound of slow clapping reached their ears. They turned around, seeing a spider coming towards them.

"Bravo," she said sarcastically. "You have just stumbled right into a trap laid just for you."

Frisk scowled, though their mask didn't show it.

The spider appeared to be deep in thought for a moment. "Unless I am mistaken," she said. "Why not show us your face?"

 _Well, I've got nothing to lose at this point,_ thought Frisk. They took their trilby off, then reached up to undo the mask. They pulled it from their face, then placed the trilby back in its rightful place. They dropped the mask on the floor like it was the mic. Everyone laughed. Frisk laughed. Even Chara laughed. Not really, but they could dream. It was a great time.

"Or perhaps I am not," said the spider, smirking. Spiders encircled Frisk, rendering their escape plans useless. "Why would you come to the place housing those who are hunting you down?" she asked. "Are you really that foolish?"

"For once, I am forced to agree with her," said Chara.

"Oh yeah, I'm an idiot, alright," said Frisk. "But at least I don't kill people for money."

"Oh please," she said, with a dignified snort. "Typical of humans to speak in such a self-centred manner."

"Yeah, it is," agreed Frisk. "Also pretty typical of spiders to speak in such a lame-ass, snobby dialect."

"Apologies. How about self-righteous," she responded drily.

"Well, shit," they replied sarcastically. "You got me. You oughta be my therapist."

There was a short silence as she paced back and forth, lips pursed. "Do you think you can talk your way out of this?" she asked, though she already knew the answer.

Frisk shrugged. "I mean, I can try."

"Well, don't bother," she said, with a sense of finality. She turned away from them, facing the doorway. "You have nobody to blame but yourself for this unpleasant situation that you have found yourself in. Had you just stayed away, you would not have had to face all this. If you ask me..." she turned back to them. "It is what I would have done."

Frisk just rolled their eyes, nothing left to say.

"But _why_?" she asked, in a sudden outburst of passion. "Why would you choose to do such a thing? What reasoning do you have for what you have done?"

Frisk thought a moment, then shrugged. "It's like you said. It's because I'm an idiot."

The spider looked at them in disbelief, as though they might be crazy. She shook her head. "Well, that is no matter. The point is that though you had the audacity to sneak in here and... do whatever you planned to do, I can see there is honour in your soul."

_Uh... no! Wrong! False! Big no!_

"So, your death will be decided honourably. It would not be fair for one to fight outnumbered. So, you will be facing me." She cleared a wide-open space, drawing a gun. It was some kind of semi-automatic, probably a USP from the look of it. "You—" she said, singling out a random spider in the crowd. "—will count to three. On three—" a smile. "We duel."

Everyone in attendance seemed a bit put out by this suggestion. "You always do this," said one.

"And each time I emerge victorious," she replied, confidently.

"Someday your cockiness will be the end of you," muttered another.

"Go on then, human," their opponent said, voice saccharine. "I trust you know how to _use_ that weapon of yours. Or are you just trying to give others that impression?" A high-pitched laugh.

Frisk drew the gun, extending their arms in a gesture of indifference. "Why don't you find out?" they asked. "Let's make this quick _._ "

Another laugh. "The best word to describe how you will depart this land."

"We'll see."

As Frisk headed to their end of the room, they noted the crystal chandelier hanging from the ceiling. _I just got the best idea I've ever had._

"One," said the spider.

Frisk's grip on the gun tightened. They wouldn't go down, not like this.

"Two."

Frisk's trigger finger was getting itchy. They knew of movie baddies who pulled the trigger on two, but it was obvious that this spider _was_ an honourable baddie who knew the rules of a standoff. The same could be said of Frisk, but that wasn't helping their insatiable desire to deal with this and finish the job.

"Aaaaaaannnd," said the spider. Frisk grit their teeth in frustration. _Quit stalling and_ _do it already!_

"Three!"

Frisk stepped to the side just as the spider turned around, firing at the spot where they had been just a split second ago. Frisk whirled right around and took aim at the delicate, thin chain holding the chandelier in place. They fired. They expected it to be loud, and it was, but a little quieter thanks to the weak silencer. The recoil wasn't that bad either.

The chandelier fell. Frisk's eyes flashed orange and blue as they summoned a Barrier. Glass shrapnel flew in all directions, embedding itself in the Barrier. The room was filled with many shrieks of "Sorcery!" as everyone ducked for cover. Frisk swore loudly, lighting a flame in their gloved palm, hurrying to the elevator, glass cracking underneath their boots. They called the elevator, snuffing the flame as they did. Everyone was still shouting about how they couldn't see, and others screaming bloody murder. Frisk tuned it all out as the elevator doors opened. The light surprised everyone. Frisk hurriedly stepped in, throwing up a Barrier in between them and the spiders as they hit the button marked 7.

Everyone was filling the Barrier full of bullets, but Frisk's focus was too intense, physically repelling anything that touched it. The doors closed. They breathed a sigh of relief as they let go of the Barrier. By now, they'd all be crowding around the elevator doors, getting ready to call it when it stopped. So, they were going to have to slow them down somehow. First, though, to deal with the guards that would almost certainly by on floor seven.

The doors opened, and they stepped out, throwing up their Barrier. Nobody.

They checked around for anyone. Nobody. Most of the rooms were just storage rooms, except for one, which was the control room, which, no surprise, was vacant.

Frisk had a look at the many things they could control. After some time (five seconds), they disabled the elevator and each floor's cameras. For now.

_It's time. Time to face Muffet._

They headed out to the elevator, seeing the spiral staircase obviously leading up to Muffet's domain. They ascended, reaching a large red, cushion-y door with gold trim.

"Having successfully climbed the tower, you are ready to face the challenge before you. This fact fills you with determination."

 _You're damn right it does,_ Frisk replied, creating a SAVE point before pushing the doors open.

There were only two words or one noun to describe what Muffet's eighth floor was. Opium den. Spiders not wearing the usual uniform (on the contrary, they wore traditional Japanese silk robes— or something resembling them) lay about on comfortable-looking lounges smoking opium (of course) and talking in soft voices. Ironically, it wasn't as hazy as Frisk thought it would be. Then again, there were few spiders there; probably about six or nine. The floors were a dark wood, there were Bob Ross-esque paintings hung in the walls, and, at the end of the room, a huge spider web. Suspended in a less-than-homey-looking armchair that appeared to have been woven out of spider's silk, sat Miss Muffet herself, though she appeared quite different from the last time they saw her. This time, she wore silk slippers and the same kind of Japanese robes, though hers looked somewhat different. If anything, Frisk figured it had weapon holsters or something of the sort on the inside. And that same insignia that had been on the front gate was also on the front of her robe. _Must be the Spider Clan's insignia or something._

"Welcome, dearie, to my parlour," she giggled. "Nice to see you again."

Frisk was a little irritated by her sweet, granny-like attitude. "It'd be nice for me too, if we weren't meeting on such crappy terms."

She gave a loud sigh. "Why must you insist on remaining stuck in the past, dearie," she said, making it sound less like a question.

Frisk ignored the 'question', thinking _Two can play at_ that _game._ "The past has a funny way of coming back to haunt you. Whose bright idea was it to put a bounty on me?"

She rolled her many eyes at them. "You aren't as smart as you look," she said regretfully. "It disappoints me; really, it does."

"I never really strove to be Bill Nye," said Frisk, feeling safe in the knowledge that they had around a hundred and twenty something IQ. "Come on, spill it. The suspense is killing me."

Another eye-roll that forced Frisk to imagine what fluids would come out of her when they beat her to death. "Well, since you are insistent on being absolutely clueless..." she giggled. "It was me. Surprised? I hope not, because it was completely obvious."

"Not really, no," said Frisk.

"Dearie, you realise there is no escape from here?" said Muffet, shaking her head. "I am absolutely certain that had you just proceeded without coming here, you would have made it out alive. Terrible for business, yes, but had I been you..."

"Someone's already told me that."

"Have they?" she asked, tutting. "Well, I should know. That foolish girl. Aria always put too much faith in her duelling ability. Had they all just killed you on sight, this would've been over and done with."

"Guess you don't screen people very well, do you?" said Frisk.

"And you don't plan very well," replied Muffet. "Did you really think a disguise was going to be enough to get though here, undetected? I specifically recognised that extra attire of yours; that is to say, the coat and hat stood out to me." She giggled. "As the signs of a person who lacks taste."

"I have great taste," said Frisk. "That's why I didn't buy any of your food."

She ignored them. "You know, dearie... I am quite interested in you. I'd like to know about you. How you managed to make it this far. What keeps you going."

Frisk scoffed. "Yeah, no thanks. I don't do interviews. You'll never know who I am or why I persevere."

She tutted once more. "Such a shame, but ultimately your loss," she said, shrugging. "So, have you come here to just trade words or...?"

"If I was gonna do that, I'd just call you up," said Frisk. "I wanna fight you." She looked a tad surprised by this.

"I see," she said. "What are your terms?"

"I win, you drop the bounty and we bid each other adieu," said Frisk. "You win, you do whatever it is you do with humans you've caught. Put them in a pie or whatever."

"Goodness, no," said Muffet, sounding outraged. "A human soul would spoil the delectable taste of our baked goods. We only ever hit them."

"Oh, so it's the expired ingredients that make your shit taste so bad," said Frisk, nodding in understanding. "Now I get it."

She gave them a filthy look. "I agree to your terms. Don't come begging for mercy when I'm done with you. You lot," she added, waving a hand in the direction of the other spiders. "Clear off back to your rooms. Do not get in my way."

"But—"

"Do you really think I cannot handle a mere human child?" she asked, sounding frustrated. "Do as I say."

The group of spiders reluctantly put down their pipes and left through a door on the right. Frisk made sure to keep one eye on Muffet the whole time.

"Well, let's get on with it, dearie," said Muffet, sounding not in the least bit enthused. Frisk on the other hand was ready _and_ willing. They kept a hand on the handle of their gun, fingers tightening.

_* MUFFET - 20 ATK 15 DEF  
* Deals in secrets but tells nought but lies. Knock her off her high and mighty tuffet._

Their lack of action seemed to irritate her. And you'd better believe they were enjoying that.

"Are you going to do _anything_ , dearie?" she asked impatiently.

Frisk drew their gun quickly, firing at her head. She moved out of the way a second early, the bullet clipping her pigtail, relieving her of a couple locks that would otherwise need to be brushed every morning. She threw a filthy look at Frisk, who was smirking. "How's that?"

" _I am going to enjoy tearing you to shreds_ ," she whispered poisonously. Frisk knew she was serious but didn't take her so. "That's it, get mad. 'I don't want your damn lemons, what am I supposed to do with—' _Whoa!_ "

A strand of spider's web grabbed them by the wrist, tightening like a vice. If Muffet's intention had been to make them release their grip on the gun, she was wrong.

"Weak," was their only comment as they summoned the sword and slashed through it. They holstered the gun, passing the sword to their left hand, bringing their shield out as well.

Muffet fired two more strings at them. Frisk sliced the first in half, leaving it writhing on the ground. The other grabbed their right arm. Frisk made to swing at it, but Muffet tossed another string at them, halting their attack. Then another, wrapping around their neck. They felt their feet being dragged towards her. Frisk conjured a flame in both their hands, burning through the strings. They placed the tip of a finger against the string on their neck, burning it off. They brought back their sword and shield, rolling their eyes at her.

"This isn't really what I came for," said Frisk. "I expected you to actually _try._ "

"It _is_ true, I've been holding back on you," said Muffet. "But, I suppose the time for that has come and gone."

She took a pipe in her hand and blew. Purple smoke filled the room. Frisk felt something change. Patterns spread out across the room. Something stuck to them. They tried to shrug it off, but absolutely nothing happened. They gave a thoughtful 'hmm'. _We'll see what's what when the smoke clears._

The smoke dissipated. Muffet had not moved an inch, not that she'd needed to. Frisk was stuck in a huge purple web. They frowned. "What's this all about?" they asked.

Muffet gave a silvery laugh. "Trade secret, dearie."

Frisk shrugged. "Fair enough, I guess." _Uh, Chara? What's this?_

"Well, souls of the Perseverance trait can manipulate adaptability and defence usually, so I assume this spell has been modified for Muffet's usage," explained Chara. "As long as your soul is purple, you're stuck in this web."

"So is this it? You're just going to confine me to a web until I quit?" shouted Frisk.

"Whether you quit or not is entirely up to you," said Muffet, all the while filing her nails. "I'm going to tear you apart regardless."

Frisk had no suitable retort. _Okay, Chara. I'm really gonna need some help here._

"Very well then."

Muffet tossed a string at them. Frisk tore their arm away from the web and sliced the string in two. Muffet gave an exaggerated 'tch' and brought forth a spiral of croissant-shaped projectiles. Frisk, still constrained to the web by the purple magic, found they could still move. _So, I can still dodge..._

A croissant flew by their head. They ducked, the flurry of croissants missing them by a mile. They pulled themselves to the left side of the web. Muffet ceased the spiral attack and tossed a cupcake at them. It stuck in the web near their head. "Hey, thanks for the food," said Frisk. "Too bad it sucks."

"That is a _bomb_ , you idiot!" shouted Chara, practically tearing their hair out at their sheer stupidity.

 _No need to make it personal,_ they replied, grabbing hold of the web and pulling themselves away from it. It exploded, but didn't take out any of the web. _I gotta find a different way out of this,_ thought Frisk, cocking their head to the side to avoid the bagel Muffet threw at them. Frisk noticed it had shards of glass stuck into it. They pulled their gun, taking aim at Muffet and firing. She jumped, flipping in the air to avoid the bullet. _Three left,_ thought Frisk. _There's no way I'll be able to reload while all this is going on. Better make these last three count._

"Is that it?" they shouted. Muffet responded by bringing forth a wave of miscellaneous baked goods which simultaneously changed colours to blue and orange. She gave a flick of her wrist, sending them towards Frisk.

"Blue twice, orange, blue, then orange!"

Frisk grabbed a hold of the web, cursing as the blue magic washed over them. They'd moved too late, and it felt like a million piranhas with icicle teeth feasting upon their flesh. They cried out, but the pain didn't last long. The two waves passed, and they quickly pulled themselves forward as the orange wave passed through them. They felt a warm sensation as it passed. _Huh, so it must be opposites for doing it right and wrong,_ they mused as they got ready to move again. The blue wave passed through them, leaving the same old wet feeling behind.

Donuts were flung at them from all directions. Frisk writhed in the sticky grip of the web, unable to move in time, the first making a neat gash in their jumpsuit. Even without looking at it, Frisk could tell the cut wasn't that bad. They tried to think, but couldn't wrap their head around their thoughts in the middle of this fight. They just decided to throw some of their best magic at her and hope it'd spook her.

They fired a heavy stream of fireballs her way, then called out _Twin-Screw Buster_. It combined with the flames and burst into a spiralling inferno. Muffet barely dodged it, but Frisk knew this strategy wasn't going to work.

"Wanna give up yet?" they asked.

She bared her fangs. "As if I would yield to a mere child," she hissed.

"Plenty of time to change your mind," said Frisk, moving to the side to avoid the string she sent towards them. She threw another at them. They raised the shield to block it. And another, this time near their leg. They spread both out a bit, allowing the string to narrowly miss them. They summoned a set of flames that swam through the air, changing course erratically. Muffet fired a few small spider webs, hitting one of the fireballs and snuffing it immediately. The other two hit both Muffet's left and right. Unfortunately, she wasn't stupid enough to move into their path.

She fired a few knife-shaped biscuits at them. One curved, slashing their arm. They grabbed at the wound, yelling a few curses.

"You'll find this interesting," said Muffet. "I received a phone call not long before you broke in here. It was someone offering me money in exchange for your soul."

Frisk let her talk, just focusing on absorbing the information and dodging her attacks. She had taken an opium pipe in her hands and was now blowing blue and orange rings of smoke at them. _A magic pipe, huh. Is that the same Puff smoked?_ thought Frisk.

"Two blue, then three orange."

Frisk managed to get through unscathed. "Yeah, and what'd you say?" they asked.

"Not that it's any of your business, but I told them no," she said. "As much as the sum of fifty-thousand gold appealed to me, it's more of a personal matter to me."

Frisk scoffed as they dodged a razor-sharp bagel she threw their way. "Personal how?"

"Well, though I turned down the mystery caller's offer, they gave me some valuable and juicy information regarding you," she said matter-of-factly. "Like the fact you like to pull the legs off spiders, stomp on them, do all sorts of things to them."

Frisk snorted as loudly as possible. "That's bullshit, I've never even met a spider small enough to do any of those things to!"

Muffet rolled her eyes. "That may be, but I know what happened at the set. You took out an entire team of my best mercenaries and used Arachne's face as a punching bag."

"Your best must suck then!" shouted Frisk, narrowly avoiding the blade of a knife biscuit. "And that bitch had it coming!"

"Muffet is making Opi-O's for you. How polite."

Frisk moved through the rings, firing their gun at Muffet after they cleared the final one. She dodged, laughing that irritating, saccharine laugh of hers. "Do you feel confident with that thing in your hand?" she asked. "When you run out of bullets, there's no way you could reload without taking a considerable beating. Ahuhuhu..."

 _Two left. Come on, I gotta win this!_ They needed to get out of this web fast. Otherwise they'd have no way of defeating her. They both knew that. It was just a battle of who could outsmart the other. And Frisk was determined to prove they were smarter.

They summoned a volley of flames and started throwing them at the web in a desperate attempt at escape. The flames just bounced off uselessly. _Okay, well, fair enough, since it's a soul spell..._ they thought.

"Spells of that nature aren't normally supposed to last this long," said Chara. "Something's keeping it going... it's her pipe. It can harness orange and blue attacks, so it _has_ to be that. If you can get it away from her, it could finally wear off."

"Yeah, but there's no way there'll be enough time," said Frisk, still thinking as they dodged another incoming cupcake bomb. "So... I could always use _that._ "

"The Scrambler?" asked Chara.

Frisk nodded. "It might be a long shot, but if I can distract and get the pipe away from her, I'll have a chance at beating her."

They ceased their attacks for the time being, focusing only on following Chara's instructions and not getting hit. Muffet had resumed her place in her spiderweb throne and was still smoking her stupid magic pipe, blowing out rings of smoke every so often. Frisk figured they needed to needed to drag it out a bit more if they wanted to take her down.

Muffet gave an airy chuckle, though it sounded a little weary.

"She's getting tired."

 _How about I wake her up, then?_ asked Frisk. They took hold of the handle of their gun, keeping it concealed for the moment. They dodged a razor-sharp doughnut, knocking a cupcake bomb away from them at the same time. Just like before, their trigger finger was getting anxious for some action. _Not yet. Not yet._

Muffet's smile looked stupid. If she kept smoking, she'd become too high to fight. That was what Frisk was hoping.

"Muffet seems distracted."

They drew the gun and took aim at her opium pipe. The force of the bullet tore it out of her hands, sending it into the abyss below. _That_ woke her up. She dived down, seeking to retrieve it.

"Time to get out of this jam," muttered Frisk, taking out the Scrambler and pressing the red button. The web flashed purple and white, then withered away. Frisk fell to the ground, landing on one knee. They stood up, keeping their hand on the handle of their gun. _One left. Alright, I gotta get this one._

"Come on out, Muffet!" they hollered. "Or are you too busy playing with your pipe?"

A string flew up into the ceiling. She began emerging, her expression resembling that of someone who had just had their beer pissed in.

"Uh... smoke bomb!" said Frisk, clicking one of the buttons and dropping it where they stood. They took a few steps to the side, pulling the bandanna up to cover the bottom half of their face as smoke filled the room.

"So that was your plan," growled Muffet. "For the record, that pipe was one-of-a-kind. _And you just broke it into a thousand pieces._ "

"My heart bleeds," said Frisk. "Ready to give up?"

"I'd die before I gave up," she replied.

They mentally cursed themselves for not thinking far enough ahead; through the smoke, Muffet couldn't see them, but they couldn't see her either. They stayed down, hidden in the smoke, watching for a sign of movement or a reply that would tell them her location.

They heard her growl from across the room. "Come out, you filthy brat..."

They didn't answer, instead focusing on being as silent as possible as they made their way across the room.

"How did you even get out of the web?" she asked. "It should've taken much longer than that for the spell to wear off."

Again, Frisk didn't answer. They were now able to make out her figure in the smoke. She was moving around a lot, calling much attention to herself. Frisk took a gold coin out of their pocket and tossed it across the room. Muffet was cautious, considering she would know about that kind of trick, but Frisk knew she would have to check. Slowly, she walked towards the source of the sound.

Frisk stuck out a leg and tripped her. She was completely taken by surprise and was unable to react in time. Frisk stepped on her back, keeping her pinned. She snarled, thrashing underneath them. There was no way for her to escape. Frisk struck a victory pose. "Thank you, thank you. I know, I'm great."

"Well?" she asked impatiently. "You've clearly won. Now do it. Kill me."

Frisk tried to look as though they were deep in thought. "Uh, false. I'm gonna go false."

"What?" asked Muffet, outraged. "Do it! This isn't funny!"

"Hey, I'm the funniest guy I know," said Frisk, putting the gun away. "Even though you're a total jerk, I'm not killing you. Then how the hell are you supposed to change?"

"This pacifistic streak of yours _will_ be your downfall!" she shouted, banging a fist on the ground.

"And your greed and ego were yours," said Frisk. "Anyways, see ya later." They released her and started walking towards the door. "And please, find a different hobby. Your cooking just doesn't cut it. Not even the biscuits."

"What went wrong with your mind, human?" she screamed after them. "You just wasted an opportunity to kill a powerful mob boss!"

Frisk ignored her. They opened the doors, closing them behind them. They headed down the spiral staircase, leaning against the wall as they did. They pressed a hand to their wounds, sighing as the healing magic repaired the damage. They headed to the control room and reactivated the elevator. Then, they headed back to the elevator entrance and called it.

As the elevator rose, they took out their phone and dialled the number Papyrus had sent them.

"You have reached the Royal Guard Emergency Hotline," said a cool, female voice. "To go straight to a member of the Royal Guard, press one."

Frisk pressed one on the phone's keypad. They had waited maybe ten seconds until someone came on the line, in which time, the elevator had arrived. "RG 04, go ahead," said a rough voice.

"Hey, have I got some good news for you," said Frisk. "The Spider Clan's having a bit of a scuffle at their hideout. Muffet's on the eighth floor. Head up the stairs to the sixth floor and take the elevator to the seventh. There's a staircase to Muffet's lair. Do me proud."

Before the guard could question them, they hung up. The elevator doors opened. Nobody in sight. Frisk booked it out the doors, only slowing down when they were almost at the front gate.

"Yeeeaaaaaah!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY! You! Over here! Check out this long-ass chapter I wrote! Crazy, right?
> 
> Anyways, let's celebrate with some Chapter Trivia™!
> 
> 1\. That's right! Heats is back, and still a courier! This guy doesn't get enough love, and he's important to UNDERSNORT's story in the way that Papyrus hired him to give the important items to Frisk.
> 
> 2\. Since Papyrus really cares about Frisk, he is actively helping them despite being made Head of the Royal Guard. When you think about it, he's much cooler and a better friend than Sans, which is why Frisk's initial feelings about Papyrus have changed drastically since then.
> 
> 3\. The gun originally belonged to the Justice soul's father, who was the Sheriff of Ebott. When he died, he left the gun to Justice, who was going to become the sheriff when he came of age. He climbed Mt. Ebott to search for the missing children and bring the killer to justice. He is the only soul that Asgore actually faced off with.
> 
> Also, the engraving "Justice & Retribution" is a reference to birdofterror's "The Human Influence", where Clover's revolvers are named "Justice and Retribution". Since they are two similar but also opposite concepts, I decided to throw that in. Vigilante justice is basically those two words, and the greatest oxymoron of all.
> 
> 4\. The "near-silent killers" that Heats mentioned is a reference to 47's silenced silverballers in Hitman: Absolution. Best game in the series in my opinion. There's also a mission where you have to retrieve the silverballers back from a locked case in a gun shop. It all fit together too well.
> 
> 5\. Yep, Muffet sells weed treats. Had to. Anyways, she's Sans's main competition in this business, since people would rather get something to eat and get high at the same time.
> 
> 6\. Frisk using the box to sneak past the sentry turrets is a reference to Solid Snake from Metal Gear Solid.
> 
> 7\. "Disguise blown" is another Hitman reference. A similar sequence of events occurred when my brother was playing the mission "Skurky's Law", so now it's a huge inside joke.
> 
> 8\. That "plan Z" line is a reference to The Spongebob Movie.
> 
> 9\. The screams of "Sorcery!" is a reference to a part in Dishonoured, where you can duel with someone. I used Bend Time to get the advantage, and he screamed "Sorcery!" just before dying.
> 
> 10\. I wanted to base Muffet's lair off a Chinese opium den circa 1800s' Victorian England, since I love the aesthetic a lot, and it makes sense for a character like Muffet, whose design is based off traditional Japanese silk robes. Her lair is a tower as a reference to the Silph Co. Building in Pokemon Red, Blue and Yellow, where you fight a mob boss (Giovanni) at the top.
> 
> 11\. "I don't want your damn lemons" is a Portal 2 reference.
> 
> 12\. Purple Mode has been changed a lot. The web is purple, and so long as the spell is active, Frisk can't break free from the web since it is directly restraining their soul. The only reason why it didn't wear off is because Muffet kept smoking, keeping the spell active and not giving it any time to dissipate.
> 
> 13\. The "Opi-O's" line is a reference to a Treehouse of Horror episode of The Simpsons where Ralph Wiggum says "Look, daddy! I'm making Opi-O's!" and proceeds to puff rings of smoke out from an opium pipe.
> 
> 14\. And that final "Yeeeaaaaaah" was a reference to CSI: Miami, where it seems like every episode begins with Horatio saying some epic one-liner and then cuing "Won't Get Fooled Again"'s iconic scream of "Yeeeaaaaaah".
> 
> 15\. The line "deals in secrets but tells nought but lies" is a reference to a riddle in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Not really the biggest fan of the series due to the amount of bullshit and zero logic, but it was a neat line that described Muffet very well.
> 
> 16\. "with the power of Alexander the Great shining through them" is a reference to a legend that Alexander the Great came across the Gordian Knot, an untieable knot. The accompanying tale said anyone who could untie it would rule all of Asia. Alexander chose instead to slice it with a sword, and thus became the ruler.
> 
> Well, that's that! I'm happy to be back and writing again. Consider this extra-long chapter a gift to you for being patient during my absence. You're awesome.
> 
> It's crispy, it's crunchy, it's a delicious bowl of Opi-O's!  
> \- offbrandbiscuit


	14. 14: Rain on Your Parade

All in all, it had been a pretty uneventful walk through the Industrial Sector so far. Frisk had already decided to head to the MTT Resort and relax there (if relaxing would even be possible). The hotel's flashy design was easy to spot; the building was a huge concrete block with lots of colourful lights, fake palm trees and windows conveniently placed to resemble Mettaton at a distance. They figured they'd get to the resort, check in, get their shirt back from a Dimensional Box and ditch this irritatingly tight jumpsuit they'd had to wear as part of a disguise, get dinner, then get some rest for the many inevitable struggles to come.

"Well, that was certainly something," said Chara. "I still say it was a stupid waste of time."

"Well, it wasn't a _complete_ waste of time," said Frisk, strolling down the paved street, streetlamps warming the already warm environment. "I won the fight, and now Muffet's cronies will leave me alone."

"How naive of you to believe a mob boss will stop hunting you down after being defeated," said Chara dryly.

"Well, yeah, she could decide not to," admitted Frisk. "But I'm counting on her wounded pride to insist she gets the message. Anyway, forget about it. It's in the past."

"It was literally five minutes ago," said Chara, a bored smirk on their face.

"Still the past," said Frisk, smirking right back. "I'm gonna head to the MTT Resort and have myself a grand old meal before I rest up. I also wanted to talk to you about some stuff, at some point."

Chara gave them a curious look. "About what?"

"A lot of assorted stuff," said Frisk dismissively. "We'll figure it out when we get there."

"I suppose we could." Read: "I'd rather we didn't, but you're going to do it anyway."

"Well, glad that's settled." Frisk yawned loudly, rubbing their eyes. "I need to stop living like this... I haven't slept in... when did I sleep?"

Chara's teasing laugh hit them. "That's not for me to tell you."

Frisk groaned. At least their reprieve was not far away. The overly bright neon lights of the MTT Resort were getting closer with each step. They began wondering what the inside was like. They knew how Mettaton was as a person, so what would happen if he designed a hotel? Was it going to be a Pepto-Bismol pink fog machine, laser-show rave inside? They shuddered to think.

They rounded a corner, passing a few monsters just standing around and talking. Though nobody else had noticed Frisk was human, they still instinctively tensed as they passed. Chara gave a snort as Frisk realised their fingers were already curling around the handle of their gun. Embarrassed, they relaxed their grip.

"Shut up," they muttered.

"Eh?" asked one of the monsters.

"Nothing," Frisk answered hastily.

"You talkin' to yourself or somethin'?" asked the monster.

"None of your business, and no!" barked Frisk. They continued walking at a dignified pace, but resorted to making their mood known by shoving their hands in their pockets and casting aggressive glares at random onlookers.

"You should skip dinner," suggested Chara. "Get some sleep first."

"That's a stupid idea," Frisk replied.

"No need to make it personal," said Chara. Frisk gave up, just shaking their head and continuing to walk. They were sick of walking. Did this stupid place have no taxis they could hail at all? Did it even have cars? Or was it just that the only place that had cars happened to be the richest and or most prosperous part of the Underground?

Frisk groaned, placing a gloved hand to their head. "God, what a headache..." Even questioning the bullshit logic thrown their way (which was the thing they did best) hurt their brain. It felt like someone was trying to pound a nail into their head using only a spastic with a hammer.

Chara rolled their eyes. "Does my suggestion sound better now?"

"It does," they said, seething at the pain. "But I'm also starving."

"You should probably stop talking out loud," said Chara. "People are starting to stare at you."

"Let them," muttered Frisk. "It's not like they wouldn't stare if they knew I was human."

"They probably _will_ know if you keep going on about it," said Chara.

"Gah. I hate it when you're right," they sighed.

As they headed down the street, seeing the MTT Resort just around the corner, they felt something hit them. They looked around and saw nothing. They kept walking, thinking it was just their imagination. Then they felt it again, this time twice. They looked up at the roof, growling when a drop of water fell in their eye, momentarily blinding them.

"It's... raining?" they asked themselves.

"Really?" asked Chara, genuinely surprised. "Rainfall is so incredibly rare here that it's a celebrated event when it is. I've never even _seen_ one before."

"How does it even rain here?" asked Frisk. "Aren't you the least bit curious?"

"Of course," said Chara. "But, I don't have the answer to the question of how."

Frisk stood there, feeling the tiny droplets begin falling faster and in quicker succession. By now, almost everyone had noticed, and was shouting, "It's raining! It's raining right here in Potland!" People began to gather around, all talking happily and frolicking in the rain, which had settled to a nice pitter-patter.

They headed into another alley and sat down amongst the piles of trash. "Ah, the trash pile. I feel at home here," said Frisk, the agony of their headache having subsided. "Hey, Chara. You said you hadn't seen one of these rainfalls. Wanna see it?"

"My eyes are perfectly fine," said Chara sarcastically. "I feel insulted."

"I mean do you want to actually experience it," said Frisk, rolling their eyes.

"I suppose so, but it doesn't really ma—"

"Then go straight ahead," said Frisk.

"I'd rather not, thank you," said Chara. "Not when you're at your worst."

"Come ooooon," drawled Frisk, rain running down their face. "I feel fine! It's not even that big of a deal."

"And I feel fine just observing."

Frisk sighed. "Fine. Way to be a total scrooge, Scrooge." They got to their feet, stretching. "You're still gonna get _something_ from me."

"Silence would be the best gift of all," quipped Chara.

"The best gifts are the ones that you never get," Frisk replied with an equal level of snark. "Anyway, let's get moving. We're just around the corner."

They rounded said corner, the bright lights of the MTT Resort flashing out at them. Up close, the two could see just how obviously the hotel had been designed around him. The front had a huge window with many separating lines to form the grid-like face of Mettaton. There were four large, decorative knobs underneath. There was even the wheel, though that was obviously stuck to the ground and provided structural support. It separated two sets of double-doors mostly comprised of two long panes of yellow-tinted glass (though Frisk secretly hoped that it only appeared that way, and that it was actually because of the yellow light-bulbs inside). There as a set of huge steel gates that were wide open, unlike the gates at Muffet's tower.

"Well, this seems... okay, actually," said Frisk. "I just hope he stayed consistent with the inside."

They headed up the paved pathway to the front doors. By this point, their clothes were soaked with rain, but Frisk was too tired to really care. They sidled on up to the door, pushing the doors open. They looked around for a moment, smirking at Frisk's visible relief that the inside wasn't _that_ bad. The walls were cream-coloured, and the floor a zigzagged red and yellow pattern. And yes, the lights were indeed yellow. The only thing that spoiled the whole thing was the statue of Mettaton inside a fountain that was spraying water out of a small opening in the 'M' on his face. Whoever built it obviously did not understand Newton's Laws, because it was so offset that were it not for a huge trough conveniently placed nearby, the carpet would be badly water-damaged. The fact the trough was marketed as 'Free Water' was even more laughable.

"Unfortunately, a flawless MTT experience was not to be," said Chara, fake regret in their voice.

Frisk shrugged. "My fault for expecting too much."

They headed towards the front desk, where a dog-like monster was reading one of _those_ magazines; the kind where you'd get a lot of celebrity gossip, unimportant news and puzzles. Frisk only read them for the puzzles back on the Surface. They tapped a rhythm on the bell. "Hey, can I get a room?"

One of the monster's eyes flicked up, looking at Chara for a split-second, quickly returning to their magazine. "That'll be fifteen hundred gold," they said in a bored voice.

"Well, Mettaton said no charge," Frisk replied. "I wanna see your manager."

"Uh-huh," said the monster, turning the page. "Where's your proof?"

"I'll call him then," said Frisk, annoyed. "If I knew what his number was."

The monster jerked their thumb in the direction of a poster on the wall with a picture of Mettaton and the words "Call me, darlings. I'm always free", preceded by a phone number.

Frisk took out their phone and, crossing themselves, called Mettaton. Their ears were cruelly violated by the sound of a metallic voice screaming, "HELLO DARLING, THIS IS THE UNDERGROUND'S BEST STAR, METTATON! WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW ABOUT ME?"

Frisk grimaced. "Mind telling your dumbass employee that you offered me a free stay here?"

"OH YES, I REMEMBER YOU!" he laughed. "I'LL GIVE YOU NOT ONE, BUT _TWO_ REASONS TO STAY HERE!" He promptly hung up.

A few seconds later, he sent them a message stating, "I, THE GLAMOUR KING METTATON, GIVE THIS LADY/GENTLEBEAUTY PERMISSION TO A ROOM FREE OF CHARGE!" And then a few unicode characters they couldn't quite decipher.

Frisk held the phone in front of the dog's face. They squinted at it, scowling. "Yeah, that signature's genuine. Any preferences?"

"A room at the end of the hall would be nice, thanks," said Chara.

"Third floor," said the monster, handing them a key. Frisk's phone buzzed. Chara looked at it. It seemed to be some kind of website link or invite. It read, "METTATON has sent you an invitation to die."

Chara snorted louder than they'd intended to. "'Die'?" they asked.

Another message was forthcoming. "*Dine."

"An invitation to dine," said Frisk.

The monster rolled their eyes, not bothering to ask for confirmation. "Yeah, sure. Go ahead. See if I care."

Frisk headed over to the elevator, where a slimy monster was expressing their anger at the elevator's breakdown. "As a slime, I'm outraged!" they said, shaking their head. "I didn't get sealed underground for this!"

"Imagine using an elevator," said Frisk. "This message was brought to you by Stairs Gang."

They were on the third floor within a minute, and it took even less than that to reach the end of the hallway. Their door was marked **39**. They inserted the key into the lock, twisted it, and opened the door.

Relief flooded the Frisk's system as they gazed upon the room. The trim was brown and the walls the colour of oatmeal. The furniture looked like it had been hand-crafted by a veteran upholsterer, not bought from IKEA. The bed, Frisk guessed, was a double covered in a huge duvet with a thin, fluffy blanket spread like butter on top. The pillows were like sinkholes, only designed specifically for someone's head.

"Oh thank _God_ ," said Frisk, sighing in relief. "He actually picked up a book on interior design."

"More likely that somebody sabotaged his original plans," said Chara.

Frisk sat down on the bed. "Oh God, that's comfy," they sighed. "Well, I guess I'll get these washed and enjoy myself some sleep. In the meantime," they looked over at Chara, watching from in front of the window. "You can just do whatever. So long as that 'whatever' isn't watching me sleep or whatever."

Chara gave the tiniest smile physically possible. "You aren't that interesting awake or asleep," they replied.

"Ouch, that's a lotta mortal damage," said Frisk. They headed into the bathroom and undressed, changing into yet another hotel-issue dressing gown. _When_ _this is all over, I'm going to write a weekly column about hotel dressing gowns,_ they thought, while they took their shirt out of the Dimensional Box, tossing it onto the bed.

They deposited the rest of their clothes at the laundry, then headed back upstairs. They realised very quickly that Chara had disappeared. They looked around. "Hey, Chara?" they asked. "Where'd you go?" No response.

"Huh," they muttered. "Weird." They locked the door, threw their meagre possessions (though calling a gun "meagre" was up for debate) in the bedside drawer and shut off the lights. They slithered under the covers, pulling them up to their ears. They knew they should've showered, but they didn't really have the time to worry about it. Like there was any point anyway. There was sure to be more trouble ahead that would result in a metre-thick layer of dirt.

They closed their eyes and tried to will themselves to sleep. Cruelly, the lawmakers of realism were on-duty that day and wouldn't let Frisk fall asleep within mere seconds. Though they _did_ fall asleep eventually, they weren't too sure what time it was when they did. Not that they cared; they were just glad to get some sleep.

* * *

Frisk was awake... but it wouldn't appear that way to a random stranger staring at them. Come to think of it, what would a random stranger be doing in their room at this indeterminable time, and how did they get in here?

 _Ugh, stop thinking,_ thought Frisk, immediately cursing themselves for doing the exact opposite. They sighed. _Well, no point in trying to go back to sleep. Like I've ever been able to go back to sleep after waking up._

Frisk yawned, sitting up in bed, looking around. There was dull light streaming in through the windows. Artificial, they presumed. They tested their voice. Rough and croaky. They reluctantly retreated from the warmth of the covers and headed to the bathroom. They splashed cold water on their face, then slurped up the water they collected within their cupped palms. They gave a short cough, feeling a bit better. They wandered back into the bedroom living-room mashup, sitting down on their bed. Christ, was it comfortable. The most comfortable bed they'd ever experience in their life, probably. That made one thing they were going to miss upon leaving the Underground.

They closed their eyes, blowing air out of their nose. Rain was still falling outside. The sheer comfort of the bed and the calming background noise was almost enough to make them fall right back asleep. "Chara," they muttered. "You there?"

"I'm always here, Frisk."

Frisk's eyes flicked rapidly backwards and forwards, trying to find them.

"Where are you, Chara? Hiding?" They looked in the drawers. "Partner?" They glanced around. "You under the bed?"

"No," they answered, an amused note in their voice. "I'm in the back of your mind. It's warm and comfortable there."

"Well, time to get outta there," said Frisk. "I need to see you for this." They checked the clock, not even slightly alarmed at the fact that it was eleven in the morning. "Do you think they serve breakfast so long as it's not twelve?"

A short silence, in which Frisk was absolutely sure Chara was staring at them. "I have no idea."

"Okay, well, whatever they're serving, I want you to have something," said Frisk. "Just eat whatever."

"Why?" they asked, almost suspiciously.

"Because being incapable of eating food sucks," Frisk replied. "Obviously."

They could tell Chara had come out because their voice had changed. When they were inside Frisk's head, it had reverb on it, as though their thoughts were bouncing off the walls of Frisk's skull. When they were out, it sounded like they were actually there beside them. "You should probably get changed before we do anything else." Frisk flinched as they realised Chara had just suddenly appeared off to their left.

"Yeah," said Frisk, unable to summon a half-decent quip at the moment. "Wait here, I guess," they mumbled, stumbling out of their room and returning a few minutes later with all their clothes. They went into the bathroom and came out not a moment too soon fully dressed. They headed over to their drawer and withdrew all their personal items. "Anyway, if you want food then I guess now's the time. And for me, it's time to play backseat driver." Frisk lay on the bed and relaxed. They felt that familiar chill as they looked down upon their own body slowly coming to. Frisk noticed the red eyes and said, "Cool, you're in. Let's go."

"Alright, give me a minute," said Chara. "I need to get adjusted."

"Well, get adjusted faster," said Frisk impatiently. "We're both feeling starved now, and I want it to stop."

"If you don't stop your whining, I'll let the both of us die of starvation," said Chara.

"Alright, alright," said Frisk, sulking. Within a few short but torturous minutes, they were down the stairs and in the restaurant part of the resort, which was completely empty. It struck Frisk as odd that such a popular place was literally uninhabited. Still, at least it gave them the ability to chatter freely with Chara without anyone taking an interest in them. Plus, it left them free to appreciate the restaurant's design choice.

The aesthetic was very much resembling of 1940's colour palettes, meaning a lot of dark, warm colours, red tablecloths and specially-designed candlestick holders that, unfortunately, resembled Mettaton. The lighting was dim, making it an ideal place to enjoy a nice meal. It went without saying that Frisk felt as though they were being cast in an old noir film.

"So, where d'you reckon we order?" asked Frisk. "I don't see a waiter anywhere."

"Maybe they're not here," muttered Chara. "Hold on, there's a window over there." Frisk looked over and saw a cat-like monster sitting behind a window smoking. They had headphones on, blasting some kind of music so loud Frisk could faintly hear it. "So that's why they didn't hear you."

Chara strode over to the window and tapped on the glass. The monster was preoccupied with staring at the ceiling, which appeared to have a poster of space taped onto it, and didn't hear them through their music. Chara cleared their throat, and said loudly but politely, "Excuse me."

The monster still didn't notice. Chara sighed, reaching through the small hole in the window, pinching the monster's arm. They jumped, headphones falling off in the process. "I'm on break, boss!" they shouted over the smooth, drawn-out synths emanating from their headphones. "I'll be back to work in less than five!"

Chara narrowed an eye. "Two things: one, I'm not your boss; two, something tells me you're supposed to be working."

The monster sighed. "What gave it away?" they sighed. Frisk noticed the tired, rough, teenage-sounding voice. And the smell of marijuana, coming from his cigarette, which Frisk now knew to be a joint. That made the music vaporwave, since it was slow and somewhat melancholy; the first resort of the stoned and depressed cashier.

"Well, the fact that employees normally get break at lunch, which is at twelve. It's currently..." they glanced at a nearby clock, looking a little shocked when they saw what it said. "Forty-two past eleven."

The monster chuckled nervously. "Eheheh. Yeah, sorry 'bout that... Anyways..." his voice became more animated. "How can I help you, O customer?"

Frisk snorted. "Pfft. ''O customer'. What a nerd."

"Are you still serving breakfast?" asked Chara.

"I thought ya were pretty certain it ain't time for lunch yet," said the monster.

"I'll take that as a yes, then," said Chara, flinging an irritated glare at him. "Is there a menu I can have a look at?"

"Yeah sure, there's one right in front of you," said the monster, jerking his thumb downwards. Chara dropped their gaze to the small bench in front of the window, spotting the menu instantly. "I see. Thank you," they apologised. "I won't take up too much of your time. Just... try not to zone out again," they added, smiling enigmatically, before turning and heading over to one of the tables, sitting down.

"Anyway, as I was saying, look at him. Stoner, listens to vaporwave, clearly hates his job, puts little effort into his speech, c'mon! You gotta learn people's lingo if you're going to blend in with the crowd! You see where I'm comin' from, right?" asked Frisk.

"I already hear enough lazy talk from you," said Chara, smirking.

"At least I don't talk like one of Muffet's cronies," Frisk defended.

Chara's smirk only grew. "Was that a personal attack?"

Frisk rolled their eyes. "I'll bet you don't talk like that all the time."

"I don't know why that matters," Chara replied. "But since it apparently does, I didn't speak like this before I fell down."

"Let me guess... somebody rubbed off on you," said Frisk.

"Toriel, specifically," said Chara. "When she speaks, you get the impression every word was carefully considered."

"When she isn't drunk and stumbling over those words," said Frisk.

"Well, yes, there's that," they conceded. "Asgore has a friendlier, common dialect. He greets everyone with 'Howdy' instead. It's obvious who Asriel took after."

"Asgore. But... that flower...?"

"What about him?" they asked.

"Remember how he introduced himself? ' _Howdy_ , I'm Flowey'. Surely that makes you a tad suspicious," said Frisk.

"Oh please," they said, rolling their eyes. "Asgore certainly isn't the only person in the Underground to use that salutation. I would be more concerned by what he said at the end of the Ruins."

"His plan to become godlike?" asked Frisk. "Yeah, that was bullshit and you know it."

"This 'connection' you think the salutations have is just that. Now, if we're done discussing such trivial matters, I think I'll have bacon, scrambled eggs, chocolate pancakes and... a black coffee."

"Ugh, really?" asked Frisk sourly. "Coffee is the worst. There's literally no way to make it taste good."

"I'm aware of that. The divine effects of caffeine are not to be denied though," said Chara.

They got up and headed over to the monster. They recited their order, adding maple and chocolate syrup to the pancakes. The monster nodded lazily, then said, "Hey, uh... sorry 'bout back there, little buddy. I _really_ hate workin' here, and it kinda builds up inside. You'll understand when you have a crappy job. Like me." He blew out smoke, somehow managing to fill that single exhale with dissatisfaction. He leaned back in his chair and knocked on a window next to him. A monster peered out at him. He repeated Chara's order to them, and the monster left, presumably to start cooking.

"Why did you apply, if you hate it here so much?" asked Chara.

"Wait, really?" asked the monster, narrowing an eye. "YOU want to talk? Sorry, pal, but my boss'll give it to me if I get chummy with customers." He looked away for a moment, before seemingly deciding he didn't care. Throwing up his hands, grinning exaggeratedly, he said, "So, I wanted to be an ACTOR."

"That's interesting," said Chara.

"Yeah," he said, swallowing. "It was my _dream_ to work with Mettaton. Yeaaah..." he chuckled. "Be careful what you wish for, little buddy."

"So, he wasn't as great as you thought he was?"

He sat up straight in his chair. "Are you KIDDING me?" he asked. "Hell friggin' YES! Look around! This place is explanation enough! It's just a mishmash of bad idea after bad idea, and every time we try to change something, he just goes ' _That's_ not how they do it on the Surface'." He scoffed, throwing his hands up. "Yeah! Sure! Because humans are _totally_ always eating burgers made of _sequins and_ _glue_!"

Chara was admittedly a bit taken aback by that one. "I... didn't hear that."

He flushed. "Yeah... forget it. Company secret."

"That's so weird that I don't even know how to respond," said Frisk, shaking their head. "Isn't this like an FDA violation or something? Do they make their own laws down here, or are they piggybacking off human laws?"

"Right... is there anything else you ought to tell me about him?" asked Chara cautiously.

"Well, I wanna know why the fuck everyone thinks he's so attractive, for starters!" he said loudly. "He's literally just a frickin' rectangle!" Then, in a low voice, leaning forward conspiratorially, he added, "Y'know, one time, I brought an, uh... 'Make Yourself More Rectangular Kit'. Yeah..." He chuckled. "They don't work."

"How so?" asked Chara.

He shook his head. "Leeet's not talk about this."

"Alright," said Chara. "Well, that was certainly enlightening. You certainly seem to have seen everything."

"Yeah," he sighed. "I've seen _too much._ I'm already gettin' on in years because of it. So, here's some advice." He squeezed his eyes shut. "Please. Don't live like me. I'm nineteen and I've already wasted my whole life." He sighed, taking another puff of his joint.

"Surely there's _some_ good to come," insisted Chara.

"What, in the future?" asked the monster, scoffing once more. "What future? Nothing down here ever changes; it's just the same shit every day. Probably be stuck in this stupid job forever," he sighed. "But!" he added, perking up. "Thing is, if Asgore gets one more SOUL, we'll be free! It'll be a brand new spankin' world out there! There's _gotta_ be a second chance for me and for everyone." He grinned, somehow looking hopeful and sarcastic at the same time. "So stay strong, little buddy. When I make it big, I'll keep ya in mind."

"I suppose so. Though I doubt it," said Chara. "Is there any other advice you'd like to offer me?"

He sniffed. "Alright, listen. I like ya, little buddy. You're a good customer. And this is the most human interaction I've ever gotten. So, lemme save ya a lotta trouble. NEVER, and I repeat, NEVER interact with attractive people," he insisted. "Unless you're 'one of them'," he said, making air quotes as he did, "they'll just take advantage of ya."

_And that is why I refuse your advances._

"Ouch."

"...naive teenager I was, said yes to 'em," the monster was saying. He laced his fingers together, twiddling them nervously. "Bad idea."

"I do apologise," said Chara, "but what did you agree to?"

"Two chicks asked me to sneak 'em some glamburgers," he explained. "Y'know. Mettaton's finest sequins and glue crammed in between two burger buns."

"Right," said Chara distastefully. "So, what happened?"

"Well, I went out to the alley where they were chillin'," he said, "and then, uh... my _boss_ comes outta nowhere, asks what I'm doin'. I'm so startled, see, that all the burgers tumble outta my pockets. I don't wanna lose face, or my job, which, might I add, only pays enough to keep me alive and workin' this job I hate so much." He took a breath. "So, as I, uh, was leanin' over to pick 'em up... the weight of the remaining burgers..." He trailed off.

"Go on," said Chara.

"Causedmypantstofalldown," he said quickly, face flushing. "Everyone laughed at me. Now everyone calls me Burgerpants." Then, with a pleading look at Chara, "But you won't, will ya, little buddy?"

"If I knew your actual name, yes," said Chara.

"Don't tell anyone I said this—" he dropped his voice to a whisper. "It's Alex."

Chara gave a thoughtful hum. "You sure do look like an Alex to me."

"Yeah," he muttered, giving a forced chuckle. "Ah, geez. Sometimes I can't believe I haven't killed myself yet."

"You must have it quite bad," said Chara.

"You bet your arse I do, little buddy," said Alex, sighing. The clock chimed twelve.

"I suppose that's your break," said Chara.

"Yeah," he said. "Though I can never tell. Sometimes, my boss'll show up on my lunch break and send me back to work. Sometimes, he never even calls me into work until halfway through my shift! I gotta play it safe, otherwise he'll yell at me..." He stared at them for a moment, before averting his gaze. "Okay, maybe 'yell' isn't the right word. It's more like, uh... he has a CD album full of songs about how bad I am at my job."

"That is certainly odd."

 _"He's_ certainly odd," said Alex. "Most of the time, I just eat lunch while working. At twelve, the restaurant closes until six. In that space, I'm manning the Burger Emporium. So, I eat lunch while flipping burgers. Sometimes... those burgers _become_ my lunch," he admitted, smiling nervously.

"I have some food I could give you," said Chara.

Alex gave them a look that they managed to put a name on. _WHY IS THIS PERSON TRYING TO SELL ME SOMETHING THIS IS A FAMILY RESTAURANT I'M JUST TRYING TO SURVIVE._

Frisk practically screamed with laughter. Chara managed to hold theirs in. For now. "Are... you okay?"

His response was blunt and straightforward. "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE."

"Human scum."

Alex leaned back in his chair, taking a puff of the joint. "If you're tryin' to shill stuff, do it to people that deserve to get ripped off. Like those two chicks in the alley. Yeah. The same ones who asked me to sneak them glamburgers. Ah, woe is me," he lamented, getting up and stretching. "Well, time to go do more work."

"Thanks for everything," said Chara.

He looked back at them, grinning weirdly. "Any time, little buddy. Have a FABU-FUL day," he said, heading towards the door. He stopped and looked back at them. "By the way, just some advice for ya. NEVER buy the MTT Resort Steak in the Shape of Mettaton's Face. It has... high traces of different metals in it, on account of the fact Mettaton presses his face into the steak while it's cooking. Y'know, to give it that 'iconic' shape." He shivered. "Anyways, later, little buddy."

Chara finally let their laughter out, cackling like an unhinged caretaker. _God, did you see his_ face _?_

"That was, and there's no other word for it, fucking hilarious," said Frisk.

A reptilian monster holding a tray emerged from the kitchen, crossing the room over to Chara's table. "Here you are," she said, placing everything before them. "Bacon, scrambled eggs, pancakes and black coffee, nothing added. That'll be a hundred and twenty G. Enjoy."

"Much appreciated," said Chara, handing over the requested amount. The monster headed back into the kitchen, leaving Chara alone with Frisk.

"So," they muttered, "you wanted to talk?"

"We can talk after you're done eating," offered Frisk.

Chara shook their head. "I have no problem talking now."

"Okay, if you insist," said Frisk. Chara cut the pancake stack into eighths, stabbing one of the pieces with their fork and placing it in their mouth. They sighed contentedly as the familiar taste of chocolate flooded their senses. "Now that is some fine-quality chocolate syrup," they said. They looked over at Frisk. "You know, I'm surprised you've even made it this far."

"You are?" asked Frisk.

Chara nodded. "Humans are powerful, don't get me wrong, but pacifism isn't necessarily the answer. I mean, look at the challenges you've faced so far. Toriel, your own caregiver, attacked in her own desires to keep you with her. Undyne..." Chara shook their head, taking another bite of their pancakes. "She fought with such brutality I was certain you'd break sooner than you did."

"I did eventually," said Frisk, eyes cast downwards. "I had to fight her just to escape."

"You only spared her life by letting her walk away," said Chara. "Had she decided to kill you then, would you have left her to die when you came back?"

"Honestly, yes," they replied. "She would've had it coming." They sighed. "I'm definitely not going to be the same after I get out of here. That is, _if_ I get out of here."

"Though I can't guarantee anything, I think you'll survive. After all, you _have_ made it this far," said Chara.

"I'd just be happy to get out of here alive," said Frisk. "Then again, I dunno how I'm gonna choose between killing Asgore or dying. Because neither look all that nice."

"When I fell, the Underground was so welcoming," said Chara. "Everyone somehow managed to find it in themselves to treat me as an equal. Now? I'd probably have annihilated the entirety of monsterkind just to survive."

"I sure do feel like doing that sometimes," said Frisk drily. "After all, what's the point of them getting to the surface? They wouldn't survive a minute. The surface isn't a one-size-fits-all, solves-all-yo'-problems deal. It'd probably cause more problems than it solved."

"Honestly, that is likely," said Chara.

Chara was silent, leaving Frisk with their thoughts for a moment while they finished off their pancakes. Mostly, they weren't thinking. Just self-absorbed sulking. It wasn't fair, and Frisk would not apologise for saying it. It was true. They never asked for any of this, they just climbed a mountain and fell down; that was it. They didn't ask for the weight of the world to rest on their shoulders. They just wanted to return to the surface where they belonged. It was clear that they weren't welcome here just by the overwhelming amount of times people had tried to kill them.

"Is there anything else you'd like to tell me?" asked Chara, bringing them back to reality.

"This is kinda makin' it a one-sided vent, Chara," said Frisk. "But yeah, there is. I never asked for any of this. Yeah, I was the one who climbed this stupid mountain in the first place, but I never asked to have the ten-tonne fate of humans and monsters strapped to my back." They looked out the window, seeing people still frolicking in the rain. "It's gotta be eating at Asgore too. You said it yourself, he would never have contemplated hurting anybody."

"Remember, things _have_ changed a lot, partner," Chara reminded them. "You said it yourself. For all I know, he really _could_ have changed. But I understand how you feel." Their gloved fingers curled around the handle of their mug. "I know they never meant it, but I always felt the pressure to do something incredible with my life. I mean, Asriel was the prince and next in line for the throne, but he had a pretty naive view of the whole thing. I, on the other hand, had no idea what I wanted to do or _should_ do. I considered joining the Guard, for the sake of protecting monsterkind, but I had no idea how well that would go down with everyone else. Anyway, that was some time before I died, so that won't be happening any time soon."

"So, what?" asked Frisk. "Were they pressuring you or just subtly trying to suggest something?"

"Neither," said Chara. "For all my time in the Underground, there was always this inescapable feeling that, as the only human in the Underground, and one of the royal children, I had to do something big and bold; something that would benefit all monsters and bring us a step closer to peace between the two species." They gave an audible "tch". "I wouldn't have known where to begin with peace. All I wanted was to destroy humanity. And, to be honest? I still want to."

"That's understandable," said Frisk, shrugging.

"Anyway, I'm getting off-topic," said Chara. "There was no opportunity for an ambassador-type role since there were no other humans in the Underground. The Royal Guard was probably not the best idea, and I died before I could even decide. I felt as though I _had_ to repay my debt to monsterkind _somehow_ , but I wasn't sure how. They would call me 'the future of humans and monsters'... They definitely didn't mean it, but it caused me a great deal of stress and pressure to utilise my role as 'only human in the Underground' for the pursuit of a brighter future. If you asked me? Asriel was the future of humans and monsters, no doubt about it. He enjoyed the limelight, was forgiving and understanding, and would undoubtedly attempt to negotiate a peace treaty with humanity before resorting to attacking in self-defence."

"Wow..." said Frisk. "It really sounds like that's been weighing on you," they added.

"It has," they admitted. "I still feel like a failure. No matter how I reflect upon the events leading up to my death, I will be remembered for nothing. I was supposed to be a symbol of peace between humans and monsters, yet I gave them nothing."

Frisk shifted uncomfortably in the air. "C'mon, Chara. You know that's not true."

"You know nothing about me," said Chara. "I never repaid them for their accepting me. I was supposed to be their future, and yet all I left them was the dust of their prince."

"Seriously, quit sayin' that stuff," said Frisk, frowning. "That wasn't your fault. You didn't owe them anything."

"I owed them _everything_ ," said Chara, exasperated. "I owed them some kind of legacy, so people could look back with genuine appreciation when they heard my name."

"You were just a kid," said Frisk. "But I guess that doesn't hold water, considering what I've done."

"You make a good point against your own point," said Chara.

Frisk gave a short chuckle, lapsing into silence for a while, until Chara broke it.

"You know you will never forget any of this, right?" asked Chara. "All of this isn't something you just dream up on a whim, you know. And my presence will always remind you of this place."

"Yeah, about that..." said Frisk, looking dejected. "Do you... I dunno, wanna stay with me after— _if_ we get out? Because I'm cool if you wanna leave instead."

Chara looked at them with some kind of unnerved confusion in their eyes. "What makes you ask that?"

Frisk shrugged. "Dunno. Just kinda throwing it out there, if you _do_ decide you want to leave. Which again, is totally fine."

"What makes you think I'd want to leave?" asked Chara.

"I don't know, okay?" said Frisk, exasperated. "Like I said, it was just an offer."

"I see," they replied, pushing some eggs into a small pile with their fork. "Ignoring the fact I most likely _can't_ leave, I don't see why I should abandon you after this is all over. Partners don't just cut ties like that. I hope you understand that," they added, with an eerie look in their eyes. Frisk swallowed. "Yeah, I get it," they replied quickly. "I wasn't trying to say we _should_ or anything. I was more asking what _you_ wanted."

"Yes, of course," said Chara, shaking their head. "I apologise."

"Trust issues, huh?" asked Frisk.

"Something like that," answered Chara.

"Well, whatever kind of person you're thinking of, I'm not them," said Frisk. "I may not be a "good" person. But to me? there's no such thing as a good or bad person. It's not just black and white, it's—" they winked, "—fifty shades of grey."

Chara rolled their eyes. "Do you really think your third-grade humour will be of any help."

"No. But your smile says otherwise."

"Your stupid face is stuck this way," they replied, taking another gulp of coffee.

After a few chuckles were exchanged, Frisk went back to what they were saying. "Anyway, I'm not a good person. I've done my fair share of shitty things on the surface. The Underground just means more reason for me to do them. I say a lot of things that I sometimes regret—"

"Sometimes?" asked Chara, amused.

"Maybe ten percent of the time," said Frisk dismissively. "But yeah, that."

"I'd say you _are_ ," said Chara. "Whatever 'shitty things' you did on the surface you've made up for by helping people down here. Toriel, Papyrus, Undyne, some other people."

Frisk went quiet. They shook their head. "Really? You think I'm a good person?"

"Let me guess, there's something you haven't told me yet," presumed Chara.

"Yeah," said Frisk. "I'm not gonna sugarcoat this, I'll just give it to ya straight." They took a deep breath. "I... kinda lied about basically my entire past?"

"I see," said Chara. "Are you telling me because you want to tell me the truth?"

"Well, now that I've admitted it, I gotta tell you," said Frisk wearily. "Y'know, if only I could have gone through this place without caring about anyone. Then it wouldn't feel like I'd miss them when I leave. Like Papyrus. I'll miss him." They sighed. "There's a reason why I don't just RESET and try again," confessed Frisk. "Apart from the fact that I've already learned a lot about people here, I mean. I could've gone through here and paid no mind to anyone, but I didn't. And it's for a really selfish reason," they added.

"Well, out with it, then."

They muttered something inaudible, then agreed. "I've helped people with their issues not because I don't want them to die a slow, painful death, it's because (and I repeat, this is really selfish and stupid)... I used to be a little like them."

Chara seemed shocked, though Frisk couldn't understand why. "You... you used?"

"Ugh, no," said Frisk, shaking their head. "But I did deal. I'd get random cheap shit from dealers that I found and then I'd sell it to the local derelicts and some of the other kids at the orphanage." They sighed. "I was just obsessed with getting out of that place that I figured I'd do whatever it took to get enough money to make it on my own. I was such a fucking idiot," they muttered miserably.

"Did you ever think about what you were doing?" asked Chara.

"How could I not?" they replied. "I could see it in people's faces; I was ruining their lives. But I tried my best not to care. But by that point, I knew I'd become just like the dealers I bought from."

"Is that part of the reason why...?"

"I climbed the mountain? Yeah. I left it all behind out of a stupid wish to atone for the things I did," they said. "Really, if you're using the good person, bad person model, I'd be so far to the bad side the test would recognise me as Lucifer incarnate." They hung their head. "That's why I do this. Because then I don't think about my past mistakes, just the good things I'm doing at present."

Chara looked back at them, seeing them clearly for the first time. "What else," they demanded. "What else did you lie about?"

"Nothing else," said Frisk. "My parents really did abandon me, and I did climb the mountain partly just to get away from the orphanage. But I cut a lot out. I just wanted to forget it all happened."

Chara sighed. "I don't know _how_ to feel about it, honestly. Maybe we're all just as bad as each other, we just need the right circumstances to bring out that side."

"This is gonna sound even more selfish, but if you hate me, I get it," said Frisk, visibly cringing. "I hated myself back then, still do."

"Listen," said Chara, more serious than usual. "Believe me, your actions are contemptible and selfish. What you did is terrible, but I understand your predicament, and wanting to make up for it. I know from personal experience," they said, gaze falling to the floor.

"It... it's so confusing," said Frisk, all of a sudden feeling as though they'd break down. "You know and I know that I ruined lives and hurt people and yet a few acts of mercy and help are enough to convince you that I deserve forgiveness? How can you argue that?"

"You did some awful things, but you seem genuinely remorseful," they said. "I understand the reason for your actions, even if I detest them. I think you _want_ to be better. That's why you keep trying to help people."

Frisk nodded vigorously, powerless against the laws of physics that caused their tears to begin falling. Within seconds, it was like a supercell of guilt and remorse they could only _just_ control. "Fuck. I really, _really_ hate when you're right."

"I know," they sighed. "But please, don't start crying on me."

They sniffled. "Heh. Yeah..."

The two fell silent for a while. Chara finished their food and downed the rest of their coffee quickly, grimacing. "Cold," they muttered. "Frisk. You want to return to the surface."

Frisk nodded. "Uh, yeah. That's what I already said."

"Well, I wanted to know. Why do you persevere?" they asked. "What is the reward? Or is this just a game to you?"

"I don't wanna be here any longer than I need to be," said Frisk. "I don't belong down here. I just wanna go back to the surface. I may not have a home there, but it _is_ my home in a sense. Even if I have to return to that shithole orphanage."

"So you'd return to the place you ran away from in the first place?" asked Chara.

"Wouldn't have much of a choice," said Frisk, shrugging. "I'm sure hotels don't accept payments made in gold."

"Yes, most likely."

"Heheheh... how ironic," they muttered darkly. "I did all of that to get away from that place, just to end up right back where I began."

There was silence between the two until Chara finished their breakfast. They stood up, stretching. "Alright, partner. I'm done."

Frisk grinned. "Alright. By the way, could you answer one last question for me?" they added.

"I suppose so," said Chara.

"Whatever happened to you up there must've been terrible," said Frisk. "I can tell just by the fact you won't talk about it. Which is fine, I just want... I dunno, a measure?"

"Well... if I must," they said. "I'll say it was certainly horrific. On a scale from one to ten, I'd argue at best, it's an eight."

They left Frisk with this small piece of insight, which didn't entirely satisfy them, but then again, they had agreed to a 'vague idea'. They were still disappointed and wished they hadn't asked, because it only created more questions than answers.

"Don't look so disappointed, partner," said Chara. Frisk flushed, not realising their disappointment had shown. "This is something I never even told my parents. Or Asriel, for that matter." They sighed. "It would've destroyed him."

"Stop!" whined Frisk. "Now I only have more questions..."

"That'll teach you to never ask them," said Chara, smirking. "Now come on. We've still got a long way to go."

The two switched control, returning Chara to their usual incorporeal self. Frisk stretched, feeling a lot better. "Well, I think we should go visit those two girls in the alley," they said.

"What makes you say that?" asked Chara.

"Dunno, maybe they'll have something useful I can buy," they shrugged. "And I can also get rid of some junk." A pause. "Hey, Chara. This talk... really helped a lot. I got a lot of stuff off my chest. Thanks."

"Anytime," they replied, glancing out the window. It was still raining, though much more heavily now. People were still celebrating outside. It was customary for the celebrations to end only when the rain stopped. Chara had a feeling it'd be going like this for a while.

Frisk was looking around, when they spotted a side door partially hidden by a large potted fern. "Hey, look over there," they said, pointing at it. "Side entrance slash exit. We'll head out there. Maybe those girls are out that side."

"Only one way to find out," said Chara. "Let's go take a look, shall we?"

"Yeah, let's," agreed Frisk, heading towards the exit door, Chara by their side. And, to be honest, that was all they really needed. Even if Chara didn't fully believe them, they would always know that the two of them would always be an unstoppable duo. Frisk just hoped it stayed that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sheesh, this was a fun one to write. I'm happy to be back on schedule on the chapter composition side of things. This is also a pretty exciting chapter for me, because it marks the end of the Potland Arc and the beginning of the CORE arc. And I guarantee you, I've got a lot of very, very interesting ideas concerning that.
> 
> I like the MTT Resort rendezvous in particular, because I already knew long before I got to this point that I wanted it to be, in essence, a sit-down-and-talk between Frisk and Chara about motivations, personal feelings, pasts and how they'd deal with their current situation. The sit-down-and-talk part was mostly just Frisk venting, so I changed it to have a decent balance of stuff that Chara is comfortable with sharing and stuff Frisk feels the need to get off their chest.
> 
> Anyway, time for Chapter Trivia™!
> 
> 1\. The "METTATON has sent you an invitation to die" is a reference to an old feature cut from the game where Mettaton would send you texts every so often, saying stuff like the latter, which he quickly corrects as 'dine', and "METTATON has sent you a mortal enemy request." That feature might be reused in the CORE, but I can't promise anything.
> 
> 2\. Yeah, Burgerpants listens to vaporwave. It had to happen, okay? Quirky stoners listen to vaporwave. And yeah, he's trying to imitate Blook's ceiling with the space poster gimmick.
> 
> 3\. The reason why Burgerpants's face is more vertical than horizontal is because he tried one of the Make Yourself More Rectangular kits, and, well... it didn't work. It made his face what it is now. You'll notice it's quite anatomically correct, but cats in general have more horizontal faces than vertical. That could just be a design choice, but whatever, it's canon now.
> 
> 4\. Frisk suggested parting ways because they thought that's what Chara would want. They try to think like them in an attempt to better understand them and hopefully make choices that will help them. But, as usual, it wasn't effective.
> 
> Well, that just about does it! Thanks to everyone for sticking with me this far. I hope you're enjoying UNDERSNORT, because there's still a lot more we have to cover, and believe me, it's gonna be one hell of a ride for you and me (I hope).
> 
> Order your MTT-brand Make Yourself More Rectangular kit today and receive not one, but two! That's right; buy one, get one free!  
> \- offbrandbiscuit


	15. 15: CORE Issues

Frisk opened the side door, stepping out into the filthy, garbage-ridden alley. Rats were scurrying about the veritable Mt. Everest of wet garbage (Frisk wondered how rats even got down here in the first place, then why nobody had bothered to incinerate the garbage yet), giving Frisk a good reason to suspect the girls were in another alley, most likely the opposite one. Frisk looked around, not expecting anyone. They wouldn't be surprised if the girls weren't even around at this moment. They were probably out celebrating like everyone else. They looked down at their feet, seeing their reflection stare back at them from the muck-filled puddles. A single streak of alternating pink, blue and green light was splashed across its face, distorted by the ripples caused by the falling rain.

_This noir film cliche will guarantee a colossal flop at the box office._

As they crossed over to the opposite side of the hotel to check the alley. "How far from the castle are we?" they asked, trying to avoid splashing in the millions of puddles.

"Geographically, not too far," said Chara. "But all the regular paths to the capitol aren't open to you. So, unfortunately, it will take longer than it should to reach the castle."

"Damn. How do we get there, then?"

"Why not ask Alphys?" they replied irritably. "I may be dead, but I'm not omniscient."

"Alright, alright."

"I hope you have a plan," said Chara. "Because I would rather you didn't reach the capitol unprepared for the challenges you will inevitably face."

"I'm workin' on it," Frisk returned. Chara gave a sarcastic 'hmph', but said no more.

Frisk passed the entrance and rounded the corner into the alley. At the end of the alley, tucked underneath a balcony was a table laden with items. Two monsters sat behind it, talking (Frisk could tell by their body language) in hushed voices; a clever move considering the rain would mask details of their conversation to anyone nearby. They approached the pair, causing them to abandon their conversation and turn their attention to Frisk. "Like, hi there! I'm Catty," said the first, a purple cat monster. "I'm Bratty," drawled the alligator-like monster next to her.

"Hey," they greeted. "Uh... got anything useful I could buy?"

"Like, are you kidding?" asked Catty. "We sell only the best and most useful garbage."

"We get all our wares from the Garbage Dump," said Bratty. "Take it from me: it really is good garbage."

"So—"

"We're also, like, newbie reporters, I guess," said Catty. "We have a newspaper, if you, like, are interested."

"Thanks but no thanks," said Frisk. "So, what have you got for me?"

Catty picked up something that looked awfully similar to a fish skeleton with just its head intact. "There's this," she said. "It's, like, trash."

"But it's good trash," insisted Bratty.

"I'll pass," said Frisk, grimacing. Their eye was caught by two things: a badge that resembled a sheriff's star, and a silver key with a pink handle. "What's that key?"

"Like, we don't know," said Catty.

"We just call it the mystery key," said Bratty.

"Probably for someone's house, LOL," said Catty, laughing hysterically.

Frisk internally cringed. "Right. What about the badge."

"Dunno," said Catty. "I mean, like, it looks like it's worth a lot of money."

"Totally," agreed Bratty.

Frisk shook their head. "Hell no. I'm not paying that for what is basically a sculpted piece of metal with words on it."

"Like, your loss," said Catty, demeanour not changing in the slightest.

"Well hey, I never said I wouldn't buy it," they replied. "I just said I wouldn't pay that. Five gold, take it or leave it."

"Five gold, that's like..." Bratty scrunched up her face, thinking. "That's enough to buy us some weed!"

Frisk sighed. _Well, I give up._ "Do we have a deal or not, pot girl."

"Oh like, it's a deal alright," said Catty, handing over the badge. "After all, we never asked to sell totally wicked expensive stuff, right?"

"Yeah, we didn't!" Bratty agreed. "This stuff is totally wicked cheap! So, you should, uh... totally wicked buy all of it?"

"I'd 'totally wicked' buy it if it didn't come from the _garbage dump_ ," Frisk replied scathingly.

"But there's _so much_ good shit there," insisted Catty. "I found a cassette player!"

"I found a gun in a dumpster!" said Bratty excitably.

That got them interested. "Wait, like this one?" they asked, taking out their gun. The two girls squealed.

"Yeah, yeah, that's the one!" said Catty.

"I remember that one!" said Bratty. "Some fire monster bought it off us. Guess he sold it to you."

"That's right," said Frisk. "What would a gun be doing in a dumpster anyway?"

"Dunno," said Bratty.

"Maybe it was, like, a murder weapon," said Catty, voice hushed.

"Could be," said Bratty.

"Change of subject," said Frisk. "How come Mettaton hasn't kicked you guys off his property for this?"

They both gasped. "Oh. My. God," the two said in unison. "Mettaton. He's like, my robotic husband..."

They rolled their eyes. "Anything else you'd like to share about Mettaton unrelated to your marriage fantasies?"

"Well, apparently Alphys built him," said Catty.

"She's like a big sister to us," added Bratty.

"She is!" said Catty. "But, he always acts like being built was _his_ idea, somehow..."

"He went on about how she was a friend of his, but now they barely speak," said Bratty.

"Unlike us!" said Catty. "Best friends forever!"

"Hold on. _You_ weirdos know Alphys?" asked Frisk.

"Uh-huh!" both replied. "She used to live on our street! But we haven't seen her in a while."

"She's probably super busy with her job," said Catty.

"Anyway, gonna, like, buy anything else?" asked Bratty.

"Yeah, I think I've got enough garbage to go around," said Frisk. "Won't say it was a pleasure doing business with you. Later."

"Like, later and stuff!" the two called out.

Frisk left the alley behind, heading back into the resort to shelter from the rain. "So, uh. Asgore. He's your dad. And I have to fight him. This is, uh... not ideal."

"I know," said Chara.

"There's gotta be some way around it," they mused. "Maybe..."

Chara sighed. "If I were here, what state would this place be in?" they asked. "Perhaps they would still be together. Perhaps Asriel would be ruling. Though I doubt he'd forgive me."

"What is there to forgive? Dying wasn't your fault," Frisk replied.

Chara looked immensely frustrated, as though they were trying to think of some way to articulate an obvious message clearer. "Frisk, dying _was_ my fault."

Frisk's brow furrowed in confusion. "How?"

"Forget it."

Frisk considered trying to press further, but decided against it. If they were hiding it, it was probably for a good reason. "Alright, then. I'm gonna call Alphys and figure out how to get to the castle."

They took out their phone and called her. She picked up a few seconds later. "H-hey. You're okay. What's up?"

"I wanted to know if you could lead me to the castle," Frisk replied.

"Oh, yeah." An awkward pause. "Well, the quickest way would be through the CORE. The entrance is in the MTT Resort, down the front hall."

"Uh... did I hear that right?" they asked. "Down the hall of a _hotel._ "

"Oh my G-God, just go down the hall!" she snapped.

"If you insist," they muttered. "Thanks."

They began walking down the front hall, past numerous monsters still complaining about the elevator being out of service. The hallway was decorated with numerous paintings, all of Mettaton in different poses. One even showed an outraged fish lady in the background screaming as Mettaton fed himself grapes on a piano.

There was blue light hitting the wall at the end of the corridor. Frisk presumed that meant the CORE entrance was just a left turn away. They rounded the corner, and instantly regretted it. Sans was slouched in a chair just next to the entrance, reading some newspaper article.

"Wow, you're just everywhere at once, huh?" said Frisk, approaching him. He gave them his usual toothy grin.

"'ey, hombre. got a sec to chat?"

"Well, the only person's time I'm wasting is yours, so, sure, why not?" They leaned against the wall next to him, arms folded.

"so, you're pretty close to meetin' the king," he said. "i just wanted to ask... why do ya keep goin'? don't ya ever think about just, i dunno... quittin'?"

Frisk's gaze hardened. "Alright, what are you tryin' to say?"

"well, i mean, the king's a softy, but also pretty tough," he replied. "and i reckon you've seen enough crazy shit for one lifetime. i mean, fightin' undyne, breakin' into muffet's tower—"

"How'd you know it was me?" asked Frisk suspiciously.

"the papers are full of nice titbits, y'know?" said Sans, holding up the newspaper, eloquently titled "Catty and Bratty's Daily Newsfest". The front page was some article about a break-in at Muffet's tower. "always knew it'd be my old buddy fresk."

"I'll refrain from asking how _they_ found out, but fair enough," they conceded.

"anyway, i don't really think ya gotta go any further. but i gotta hand it to ya. i woulda quit by now. probly 'cause i ain't got a thing to look forward to there. but neither do _you_ ," he mused.

Frisk sighed. "Dude. I have a home up there."

Sans rolled his eyes. "loose lips etc. etc. hombre. only someone totally _loco—_ " he snickered. "—would go back to a place they hated enough to run away."

"Wow," said Frisk, giving him a look of utter disappointment. "I dunno how your culture works, but in mine, I was taught not to listen to other people's conversations."

"'conversations'?" he asked. He chuckled. "oh yeah, your other half. your 'imaginary friend'. still pretty weird they share the first fallen's name, eh?"

"It's spelled with a K and no H, you uncultured swine," Frisk replied.

"whatever," he shrugged. "anyway, if you keep goin' the way you're goin', that's cool. some advice, though: just, i dunno, don't try too hard, y'know?"

"Okay, just say it," said Frisk. "You want me to give up."

"pshaw, i didn't say nothin' like that," said Sans. "all i said was not to try too hard. i'm doin' ya a favour, hombre."

"Nobody does anyone a favour and expects nothing in return," said Frisk sourly.

Sans chuckled, taking out a joint. "obviously. that's the system of solids."

"Whatever," said Frisk. "Thanks for the fake concern. I'm gonna go now. Stop following me."

Sans just tilted his head and looked at them like they were crazy.

Frisk groaned. "You're hopeless." They turned back to the entrance, walking through the doorway that would bring them to the CORE.

"That light's pretty goddamn bright," they muttered. "Wonder what—"

The light rippled, sending white lines across it. Frisk stumbled, muttering, "What the—?" Something cold enveloped their body. The world went black for a split-second, before they were thrown forward by some unseen force, hitting the ground. Frisk swore loudly, getting to their feet. "Alright, who—?"

They stopped, thinking _could I at least finish my goddamn sentence before something else happens?_ They were inside an empty lobby. There was a lot of silver and deep blue. The walls had a design that reminded Frisk of a computer chip and the windows were clean and appeared to be made of Plexiglas, or whatever the Underground equivalent was.

"Uh... ba-bah bah, buh bah bah. Cool Computer Land. Collect all the red coins. Let's-a-go."

They looked around. "I guess we have to get to the top of this place or something. Or just find an elevator. Or take the stairs. Ugh." They looked down at the floor, which had a design similar to that of the walls. "Sheesh. This entire place is like the inside of a computer."

"That seems to be the general aesthetic that 'Rasta' went with," said Chara.

Frisk looked over at them. "...Rasta."

"I paid attention during 'Who Wants to Win Sixty Gold?'."

Frisk scoffed. "Nerd."

Before they could get started, their phone rang. They fished it out of their pocket and answered. "Who is it."

"H-hi!" she greeted. "Alphys! Here!"

"Well, I gathered that much," said Frisk.

"This is a matter of n-national security!" she insisted. "I had a really important question to ask you: do you l-l...like anime?"

Frisk gave a heavy sigh. "Really. Are we doing this now."

"Ugh, i-it's a really important question!" she said crossly. "Do you like it, yes or no?"

Frisk sighed. "Alright. Don't have a heart attack. Depends on the kind, I guess."

"W-well, I, uh, wanted to know if you'd wanna watch this one with me sometime. It's called, _Mew Mew Kissy Cutie_ ," she replied.

Frisk instinctively cringed. "Uh... what's it about?"

It was as though they'd awoken a neckbeard somewhere. Alphys started talking rapidly about the show, as though she were a door-to-door salesman. "It's about a human girl with cat ears called Mew Mew, and she has the ability to control people by kissing them, and they don't remember anything! After the kiss, I mean. Eventually, she realises that controlling people is wrong and—" she stopped, giving an embarrassed chuckle. "W-whoops, spoilers. B-but it's a really good show."

"Uh... I'll give it a maybe," said Frisk.

"A-alright! Awesome!" she chuckled. "N-now, about the CORE. Y-you _are_ there, right?"

"Yep. Tell me everything I should know."

"Alright, well, the CORE can re-arrange itself. K-kinda like a Rubik's cube? Ever seen one of those?" she asked.

"Uh, is that even a question? Of course."

"R-right." She cleared her throat. "D-don't worry about that, though! I-it doesn't really ever change, and the workers have to tell me when it does, so I can guide you no problem!"

"Alright, sweet," they said. "So, should I just keep you on the line or something?"

"Y-yeah, sure! That sounds good," she replied. "S-so, uh... where are you right now?"

"Uh... the lobby, I guess?" they said uncertainly. "I came through the portal at the MTT Resort."

"Heheh, funny story about that," said Alphys. "Mettaton suggested I build that for the CORE workers who lived near the MTT Resort or were staying there. It isn't really a portal per se, but a magic field that acts sorta like a teleporter."

"That's pretty cool."

"I-I know right?"

"Hey, do you mind waiting a sec? I just gotta do somethin' real quick."

"Sure, n-not at all."

Frisk put their phone back in their pocket, took out their gun and released the cylinder latch. They pointed it up at the ceiling and pushed the cylinder open, pressing the ejector. The empty cartridges fell to the ground. They pushed the bullets into the chamber one by one, then let the speedloader fall. They closed the cylinder, then holstered the gun.

"Alrighty," they said, putting the phone back to their ear. "So. A hallway. I _think_ it's a T junction? I see some stairs not too far from here."

"Uh..." Some tapping and clicking. "Yeah, take those stairs. O-oh, and uh... _don't_ fall off the walkways. T-they have guardrails, sure, but, uh... y-you definitely don't wanna fall down there."

"Why's that?" asked Frisk cautiously.

"W-well..." said Alphys nervously, "t-the CORE isn't j-just fuelled by the, well, fuel from Potland, but, magic as well. S-so, if you were to f-fall into the ozone, you... uh... risk being totally and utterly annihilated?"

Frisk didn't bother reacting, just wishing that Alphys could see their famous universal expression. There was a lot they could do with it; show disapproval, tired anger, neutrality, practically anything. "Epic."

They began walking down the hallway towards the stairs. After climbing the stairs, they decided that, despite how dangerous the CORE seemed, it was definitely the best beautiful place they'd ever been. So many coloured lights, servers and large vents. Slight layer of mist in the air, a chlorine-like scent and cool, crisp air.

"The air is filled with ozone. It fills you with determination," said Chara.

"Not as much as the sweet sound of your voice," said Frisk with a snicker. Chara just rolled their eyes.

"H-huh?" asked Alphys.

"Nothing," said Frisk. "This place is pretty amazing."

"Y-yeah! It is!" said Alphys. "D-did you know that it's made of stuff like stainless steel, platinum and titanium, because the ozone is h-highly corrosive to most organic materials?"

"That's pretty interesting."

"Y-yeah, it is," she said, chuckling. "W-well, uh... just follow the path to the door and that should lead you to the main room. The elevator's right there, and it'll take you to New Home!"

"Sounds easier than I expected," said Frisk.

"D-does it?" asked Alphys.

"It's too early for a victory parade," Chara reminded them. "Someone might still be trying to stop you."

The path curved around in a smooth bend, taking them to a set of doors. The moment they even walked up to it, a mechanical arm with the Delta Rune engraved on the metal retreated upwards, allowing the door to split apart. Frisk sighed. "One day, I'll have a bedroom door like this."

"Don't count on it."

_Way to crush my dreams, jerko._

Frisk stepped through the door. The room they were in gave them the impression of being the heart of a computer chip. The motherboard, in other words. There was an elevator in the centre of the room, two doorways on the left and right and another two at the end of the room, also on the left and right. Whatever, it didn't matter. The only way Frisk was going was up the elevator. They strolled over to it and pressed the button to call it. Nothing happened. Not even a light indicating that yes, the elevator understood the prompt.

"Uh... Alphys?" asked Frisk. "The elevator isn't working."

"Erm... w-w-what do you m-mean?" she asked, sounding incredibly embarrassed. "A-a-are the buttons that working o-or something?"

"I mean the elevator. None of it is working," they clarified.

"O-oh," she stammered. "Okay. T-the elevator's power supply has been shut off. There's three failsafe switches that you can press, and t-those should restore power to the elevator."

"Okay, okay," said Frisk, wishing they had stayed for longer and gotten some pain medication. They could feel the beginnings of a headache coming on and it was really starting to grind their gears. "Can you tell me where they are?"

"S-sure, not a problem!" she said, tapping away at her keyboard. "Ooookay, lemme just bring up the CORE security cameras... could you step into the room on your... left?"

"Sure," they replied. Once they were in, they told her. She was silent.

Frisk waited a moment. "Alphys? You okay?" they asked.

"...n-no," she said. "No I'm not. T-the cameras... I-I'm looking at that exact room's camera feed right now... and you're not there."

Frisk was pretty sure what had happened: the CORE had changed and nobody had told Alphys. They voiced this to her.

"I... I'm sorry," she whispered. "I... I have to go."

"H-hey, Alphys, c'mon," insisted Frisk. "It's not your faul—"

The phone went dead. "FUCK!" they shouted. "Goddamn it!"

Frisk sighed, rubbing their temples. "Alright alright, I'm gonna call her back and _make_ her tell me where the failsafe switches are."

They selected her contact and rang her. She picked up. "H-hello?" she asked, voice choked with sobs.

"What the hell are you doing hanging up on me?" they asked. "Nobody told you about the change, so quit it with the pity party and tell me where those switches are!"

"Okay, okay!" she said indignantly. "Jeez. There's a switch in one room, which is..." There was more tapping, and then a frustrated screech. "I don't know! I'll... I'll figure it out and call you when I do. I-in the meantime, just, uh... just keep searching!"

They groaned. "Whatever." They stuffed their phone back in their pocket, heading back to the elevator room. They paced back and forth slowly, deliberating on what to do.

"That doorway. There's a plaque. 'Warrior's Path'."

Frisk looked over at the other door. "'Sage's Path'," they muttered. "What does that mean?"

"I haven't the faintest idea," said Chara. "But I suspect we'll soon find out."

Suddenly, a large TV screen on the wall turned on. Mettaton's face appeared. "WELL WELLY WELL, IF IT ISN'T THE HUMAN!" he cackled. "YES, IT IS I, THE FABULOUS GLAMOUR KING HIMSELF, METTATON!"

"You little slimeball," they spat. " _You_ set this up!"

"YOUR PRECIOUS ELEVATOR IS NON-FUNCTIONAL, ON ACCOUNT OF ITS POWER BEING CUT!" he explained. "WHAT'S MORE, GRUESOME MERCENARIES ARE LURKING AROUND EVERY CORNER, HUNGRY FOR YOU!"

"The CORE is your colosseum and we're your fighters," they replied. "You're fucking sick."

"Frisk," said Chara. "He can't hear you."

"FIND ALL THREE SWITCHES AND RESTORE POWER TO THE ELEVATOR, OR FACE YOUR END AT THE HANDS OF THE TOP MERCENARIES IN THE UNDERGROUND!" he finished. "CLOCK'S TICKING! TOODLES!"

The TV shut off. Frisk groaned. "Damn it all," they sighed. "Well, guess I might as well—"

The sound of heavy footsteps interrupted them. They froze. It sounded like it was coming from the left. Without a second thought, they took off running through the right door, aka the Sage's Path. The room they found themselves in was pretty much the same as all the others. They had to find a place to hide or a way to outrun the person, and fast.

Seeing nothing useful, they hurried into the next room, finding a large set of neon tubes. They were so blue Frisk reckoned they could blend in pretty well there. Heart pounding, they squeezed in behind the pipes, covering their mouth with a gloved hand, though this did nothing to stop their anxious breathing.

A large, imposing figure stomped into the room. They were clad in a huge black suit of armour. There was a freakish bird-like face on their torso, eyes black with tiny white pupils (Frisk was reminded of Sans). In their hand, they held a tall staff, the head of which looked like suspiciously like the sun from Mario Sunshine. There was a yellow crescent painted on their helmet in a luminous paint.

A deep, yet feminine voice came rumbling out of the helmet. "...Madjick?"

A short monster in a robe, a pointy hat (which reminded Frisk of a certain jester they couldn't remember the name of) and curvy boots floated into the room. "Yeees?" he asked, fiendish laughter in his voice. His eyes were hidden by his hat, but his sly, toothy grin was visible. His skin was an incredibly pale, blue-tinted colour. Two magic orbs floated at his sides.

"...I heard something," said the armoured monster. "...Footsteps."

Madjick fell backwards in the air, cackling. "I didn't hear anything!" he insisted. "If they came through here, they didn't get past me, Knight Knight!"

 _Are you kidding. Her name is a_ pun.

"...Well, if that is so," said Knight Knight.

Another jovial chuckle. "It is so!"

"...I suppose we should check the Warrior's Path again," suggested Knight Knight. "...They may be down there."

"Sounds like a capital idea!" said Madjick, floating out the door, practically bouncing in the air. Knight Knight shook her head in a solemn manner, following Madjick out the door.

Frisk waited until their footsteps were beginning to sound distant, then left their cover. They gave a deep sigh of relief. "Okay, okay," they breathed. "Let's just stay on the Sage's Path and keep moving. What if the two paths join together? Christ..."

"Take it slow."

"Yeah, yeah," they muttered. They covered their face with a hand, grip tightening. _If I get moving, I can focus on finding the switches. If I have to fight those two, I will. I'll worry about that if I see them._

They took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "Okay... okay..."

Their phone started ringing. They didn't stop moving, just pulled it out of their pocket and answered it. "Alphys?"

"I-I just saw those two on the cameras!" she gasped out. "Do you have _any_ idea how close that was?"

"Don't wanna know," they replied. "Call me if you think they might be close. Did you see Mettaton's... transmission?"

"Y-yeah, I did," she said, snarling. "D-don't worry, though! He let slip some stuff that'll help me make this map!"

They exhaled. "Okay. I'm gonna go now. Thanks."

They looked around the room, which was mostly just tubes and vents and circuitry designs everywhere. Same as all the others they'd seen up to this point. "Wish the rooms had some individuality so I could tell 'em apart," they complained. "I could get lost in here and never find my out out."

They walked into the next room, being presented with two choices. The door to their right, or the one off to the left. Frisk decided not to waste time wondering what choice was the better one, and chose the right one.

"This was not the correct door and Frisk knew it perfectly well," they muttered to themselves. The room was a short hallway with lots of overhead tubes and vents. There were a few glass windows showing... well, nothing except a few catwalks floating in the mist. They continued walking down the hall, humming in time with the clicking of their boots against the floor. They entered the next room, which was dome-shaped. Their phone rang again.

"What?"

"Y-y-you gotta g-get out of there!" shouted Alphys. "G-go back to t-the hallway!"

Before Frisk could even ask why, the doors slammed shut behind them, locking. "Fuck!" they shouted, as a huge screen came to life on the wall opposite them. Who else but Mettaton showed up on the video feed.

"IT'S A TRAAAAAP!" he shouted gleefully. "THE HUMAN HAS JUST WALKED STRAIGHT INTO A TRAP! THE DOORS WON'T OPEN UNTIL THE MERCENARY IS DEFEATED... OR THE HUMAN DIES!" he cackled. "MADJICK, DO YOUR TRICK!"

The jester from earlier popped out from behind a pillar. "Sur-prise!" he greeted. "It is I, Madjick! The greatest magician to ever live! But enough introductions. Now we must duel! We'll see who comes out on top! Best of luck, human. _You're gonna need it!_ "

He thrust an arm out from inside his robe. Frisk was absolutely he was about to attack them, and so drew their gun immediately. Their bullet missed, on account of being deflected by a magic playing card expertly flicked in their direction. They took a defensive stance, cocking the gun once. "Alright, then. Let's dance, Magic Man. Wait a sec..." They frowned. "Oh my God, your name is a pun."

Madjick halted momentarily. "Mm? A... pun?"

"Sounds like 'magic', but spelled differently. It's kinda obvious, dude."

"Hmm..."

As Madjick thought about this shock revelation, Frisk summoned a fireball and tossed it at Madjick without a word. He yelped, his body pulsing white as he expanded, then warped into nothingness within the span of a second. He reappeared off to their left not a second later. He gave a loud chuckle. "Phew, that was close!"

Frisk brought a stream of flames out of thin air, sending them towards Madjick, curving to the left. He flipped in the air, allowing the flames to pass harmlessly underneath him. "Oops, I seem to have missed them!" he snickered.

"Keep laughing," they muttered, gasping as the two orbs floating by Madjick's side swooped down on them. They ducked, stumbling out of the way as they curved around, smacking into the wall. They bounced backwards, gaining momentum as they went along. Soon, they were flying off the walls like a mental patient. Thankfully, due to the size of the room, these weren't too effective.

Frisk summoned their signature three flames that swam erratically through the air towards Madjick, deviating from the course at random points and suddenly jerking back towards him. Madjick dodged all but one of them, which hit him in the arm. He squealed almost joyfully, doubling over in the air.

"How'd ya like that?" asked Frisk.

"H-heh heh! I'm just getting warmed up, human!" he returned, back to his cocky tone. Black, transparent triangles appeared throughout the room, coated in a purple aura. They began drifting around the room, each point firing a small purple triangle. These were also quite unsuccessful, since Frisk merely had to take a few steps to avoid the triangles. "This doesn't feel like a warm-up, this feels more like a cool-down to me," said Frisk scathingly.

Madjick placed a hand to his chest dramatically. "My! Such unnecessarily harsh criticism!" he gasped.

"If you're going to kill me, at least try," they shouted. " _Twin-Screw Buster!_ "

Dual spiralling blasts of green fired off towards Madjick. He just backflipped in the air, dodging them with ease.

"Well, if a show's what you want, then you've got it!" sang Madjick, pulling what looked like a toy wand from his pockets. It was obviously _not_ a toy though, because it fired a cluster of honing projectiles quite quickly at Frisk. They were well prepared to dodge, and well prepared for it to fizzle out eventually. So, as they were rushing to and fro in an effort to confuse the bullet, they were unpleasantly surprised to find that it was _not_ fizzling out.

"Uhh, this thing gonna die anytime soon?" asked Frisk.

Madjick jeered. "Of course not! What kind of silly logic would that be? Logic? Pah!"

"I hate magicians," muttered Frisk, grunting as the projectile brushed their arm, administering a sharp zap. It definitely didn't tickle, but it didn't hurt badly, which was what confused Frisk. Madjick was really gunning for them. He was a mercenary, and they doubted he wanted their soul, just the money their soul would make them. So why would he use such a weak attack? Or was it just them?

"Is this guy an idiot?" asked Frisk.

"Just a fool," said Chara.

Frisk smacked their forehead. "Goddamn it, not the time for tha—"

"Madjick's just fooling around."

"Trash."

They had now summoned their Sword and was trying to bat away the many projectiles Madjick was tossing at them. He gave a demented laugh, bringing a circle of hearts down towards Frisk. They summoned a Barrier around them, causing the hearts to bounce off uselessly. Madjick coughed, flicking a playing card towards them. It became embedded in the magical aura of the Barrier. Cracks formed around it, ending in the entire thing shattering into tiny magical particles.

"What the—?" asked Frisk, before stopping. "Okay, guess you're tougher than I thought."

"Got that right, pipsqueak!" chuckled Madjick. "And now for my next trick..."

" _Red Broker!_ " They fired a red beam at him. It hit him in the chest, spinning him in mid-air. The beam split into eight small fragments, all scattering around him. He wheezed, giggling like a madman.

"You're pretty tough yourself, kid!" he laughed. "But we'll see who holds out longest!"

The outlines for huge boxes began appearing. As though drawn by invisible hands, the lines began connecting, becoming closed-in boxes. Frisk didn't know what would happen if they got stuck in one, but they definitely didn't want to find out. They took off running, quickly hanging a left as one appeared in front of them. They were still aware of the honing projectile that was following them, and wanted it gone. They started chucking fireballs over their shoulder at it.

"Stop that!" said Chara sharply.

"What's that supposed to— Oh shit shit shit," they swore, having turned around to discover their fireballs had a yellowish hue and were following them in a similar fashion to the honing projectile. "That was his plan! Goddamned tricky bastard..." They summoned a fireball in their hand, getting ready to throw it back at one of their traitorous fireballs. Chara quickly stopped them.

"Are you an idiot?" asked Chara. "What if they also copy the effect? Don't risk it!"

"What do you propose we do then, genius?"

"Think outside the box," said Chara.

"I'm already outside the box!" they shouted. Madjick snapped his fingers. Huge explosions, confined to the insides of the box, went off. "And I don't wanna _be_ inside one!" they added.

"Well, start thinking!" said Chara irritably. "I can't be your answer on a silver platter."

"At least give me a hint or suggestion!" said Frisk, attempting to seal the attacks inside a Barrier. The fireballs and honing cluster smashed through it. "And it better not be a Barrier."

"Use your imagination."

"Not such a cryptic answer would be great!" they shouted, rushing at Madjick in a rage. At the drop of a hat, they summoned their Sword and sliced at him. He dodged, unsurprisingly. Frisk continued relentlessly, swinging at him every chance they had, but it was nigh-on impossible to hit him with those stupid attacks crawling all over them.

They summoned a fireball behind him. He obviously knew this trick already, moving out of the way just as it started moving. Frisk quickly dodged, bringing out a Dreemurr Beamer and firing at him. He gave a high-pitched shriek, chucking a playing card at them. Frisk blocked it with their Shield.

Madjick began bouncing all over the place, laughing maniacally. Frisk knew it was going to be impossible to hit him given their current circumstances. Incredibly frustrated, they sent a wave of blue energy throughout the room. Madjick made a high-pitched keening noise and instantly dropped like a fly. To Frisk's delight, it also completely annihilated the honing projectile and their unfaithful fireballs that dared betray them.

"Not bad," said Chara.

"N-n... Impossible," uttered Madjick, shaking himself off as he got back up. Before he could even react, Frisk was upon him. Their Sword made a giant gash in his robe. He grabbed at his 'wound' with a gloved hand, getting ready to spring forward. Frisk sent a fireball into his chest, knocking him backwards. They immediately rushed toward him, summoning a Barrier where Madjick was sure to fall. He landed on his back. Frisk delivered a swift blow to Madjick's chest once more, the sheer force of their attack shattering the Barrier Madjick lay upon. He cried out weakly, landing hopelessly on the ground like a discarded toy. Frisk stepped back, pointing their gun at him.

"Haven't you ever heard the old adage, 'Those who are in a fight should not dust themselves off mid-fight, because it gives the opposing side time to beat the crap out of you'?" asked Frisk sarcastically. "Because that just happened."

"You... you are quite strong!" gasped Madjick, bowing his head. "You truly are a great magician, I can say that without a doubt."

"I take offence at the word 'magician' as I don't perform for children," said Frisk dryly.

Madjick pulled a twisted grin. "So, with that being said, it's time for Act Three! The final curtain! The encore! Whatever you may call it, it's time for me to play my final hand!"

Frisk frowned, taking an involuntary step back. _What's with this guy...? He just took a hell of a beating and he's still going?_

"Well actually," said Frisk, lowering their gun, "I was going to offer you mercy."

Madjick looked at them intently for a moment, before bursting into what looked like painful laughter for a few moments. Frisk could've attacked and probably delivered a fatal blow while he was still laughing, but they needed to show they were serious about their offer. So, they waited patiently.

"T-that... that has to be a joke!" jeered Madjick.

"Nope," said Frisk. "I'm serious. I have places to go. Take my mercy or let me go."

Madjick looked thoughtful once more. Eventually, he shook his head. "So, you don't _want_ to kill me?"

Frisk nodded. "Yep."

"Unfortunately, _I_ do!" he cackled.

Frisk gave a heavy sigh. "Well, can't blame me for trying," they muttered. Gathering the last vestige of fucks they had to give, they said loudly: "Fine! Come at me, bro!"

"Just what I intend on doing!" said Madjick proudly. He withdrew a card and tossed it up into the air, opening his mouth and spewing nonsensical phrases as the card glowed white, suspended in mid-air. Golden particles drifted down seemingly from inside the card, falling into Frisk's hair and getting stuck to the material of their coat. Then, all of a sudden, they vanished, as though they'd never been there.

"Madjick utters an incantation... though for all I know it could be arcane swear words or even a recipe for brownies," said Chara, clearly lost on whatever it was that was going on.

Frisk shrugged. _Well, I get the impression it's definitely not brownies. Whatever it is, I don't want to hear anymore of it._ They made to charge at him, but found their body flying backwards. They gave a shout of dismay as they landed on the tiled floor, confused and incredibly pissed off.

"It's a good trick, yes?" asked Madjick, voice dripping with egocentricity. Frisk scowled.

"Not in the least bit impressive," said Frisk, trying to cock their head to the left. It moved to the right. _Inverted movements? Seriously?_ "I could still kick your arse even with this stupid handicap."

"How about we test your claim?" asked Madjick. Frisk knew he had no intention of waiting for an answer. "Well, let the show begin!"

Frisk threw themselves backwards, pleased when their body jerked forward and onto its feet. _Okay. So this_ is _how it works._ They could see now there was no point in mercy. They would just have to knock him out. They didn't see the point in a senseless casualty. Ever, to be honest. They also didn't fancy fighting with this unfair disadvantage.

But, as they remembered, they had an ace up their sleeve; their own 'final hand'. They just had to keep up the act for a little until Madjick dropped his guard.

Once they were on their feet, things were actually much more difficult. It was like trying to learn walking again, but in reverse. Left was right, forward was backward, and so on. Frisk didn't trust themselves with their gun on account of the fact they'd probably shoot themselves trying to hit Madjick. They spent a few seconds stumbling around, before making an attempt to summon a fireball. It burst into life. Madjick saw what they were doing as they hesitated. They chucked it backwards, but with a poor amount of force. Madjick didn't even have to dodge. He started laughing like a lunatic.

"Oh dear! It looks as though this is your end, human!" he cackled, sending a few diamonds and spades in their direction to illustrate his point. Frisk clumsily leapt out of the way, slamming their face into a pillar as they did. They shouted a few not-so-arcane swear words, spitting out some blood that had seeped into their throat from their ruined nose. Undeterred, they started wildly throwing fireballs around the room with varying intensities, shielding themselves as they did. They heard a grunt a few times, assuming they had hit or grazed him at least once. But he still went on laughing.

They could feel doubt creeping up their spine. They had a feeling this would either be their toughest battle yet, or the last one they resolved peacefully. Because honestly? the pain of their shattered nose and the coppery taste permeating their mouth was definitely pushing them close to the edge. _There's no way I'm breaking anything else just to keep up this charade,_ they decided. Taking cover once more, they pulled out the scrambler, pressing the red button, hoping it would work.

They stuck their arm out. It moved normally. Frisk gave a huge sigh of relief. They took out the last slice of their psychologically-damaged quiche and took a bite. They felt their broken nose returning to normal. _It is_ so _on now, Magic Man._

They jumped out from behind the pillar, drawing their Sword. They rushed toward him, but they knew they wouldn't have a hope of hitting him when he was up in the air. _Time to ground this fool,_ they thought. They summoned six flames that all scrambled throughout the air as though they were drunks trying to find the bathroom. Then, with a final conclusive jerk, they all were thrown into Madjick's path. A few missed him, but the rest got him right in the chest, causing him to double over in the air. A final flame hit him in the back, sending him crashing to the floor.

They completely lost control, firing an endless stream of fireballs at him. They weren't going to give him a single opportunity to get back up. They blinked, seeing themselves still attacking. They stopped themselves before they could remodel his face. They held their sword to his neck. "I've got just one question for you, bro," they said. "Who's Joe?"

Something in the air changed. Frisk knew what Madjick was going to do. "Hell to the no!" They grabbed his arm, hitting him over the head with the sword in one swift movement. Madjick fell to the floor, not getting up again. He was knocked out.

Frisk mopped their sweaty forehead with their sleeve, leaning against a pillar to catch their breath.

"And done," they sighed.

One of the doorways opened. The TV screen burst back to life.

"WELL WELL WELL! IT SEEMS THE HUMAN HAS BEATEN MADJICK! A VERY CLOSE VICTORY, MIGHT I ADD," sneered Mettaton. "HOWEVER, THEY MUST NOW FACE THE VENGEFUL WRATH OF MADJICK'S WARRIOR COUNTERPART. KNIGHT KNIGHT, SING THEM A LULLABY— OF DEATH!" He got one last maniacal cackle in before the feed went dead.

Knight Knight stomped in, head down. Her eyes (or... eye? It was hard to tell which one was doing the seeing) were drawn instantly to Madjick lying on the floor. They looked back at Frisk, leaning against the pillar, adjusting their trilby. "You... you hurt Madjick..." she said, in her deep, ethereal voice.

Frisk shrugged. "In my defence, he hurt me. Only difference is I didn't try to kill him."

Knight Knight didn't seem to notice. She began approaching, her footsteps heavy and aggressive. "I... I'm going to rip you in half," she said, in a not-so ethereal voice.

Frisk chuckled nervously, taking a step back. "H-hey, Knight Knight, chill out, it was just a prank, bro. Ah, I love when you charge towards me with anger and hatred in your eyes... not like now, I mean," they added.

Knight Knight grabbed them by their collar, lifting them into the air. "...Any last words...?" she asked, definitely not kidding around.

"Uh... yeah, actually," said Frisk, now sweating more profusely than ever. "Who's Joe?"

Chara looked disgusted. "Your life is threatened a second time and those are what you want your last words to be?"

 _There's no such thing as 'last words' for me, partner,_ Frisk replied.

Knight Knight cocked her head curiously at their question. "...Who?" she asked.

"I dunno, you tell me," they replied. Then, with as much force as they could muster, they swung their leg back and kicked Knight Knight's, uh... _special area._ Knight Knight gave a near primal howl as she dropped Frisk, falling to one knee. They quickly pulled themselves to their feet, drawing their Sword. "Now I've got _youuu_ ," they sang.

Chara groaned. "Your contemptible treatment of near-death scenarios and life sickens me."

Knight Knight swung her huge staff towards them. Frisk gave a yelp of surprise, stumbling away. "Hey! Watch where you're swingin' that thing!" they shouted.

"Good Night," she said, her voice like thunder. Frisk sighed. _Guess I should've knocked her out when I had the chance..._

They dodged as Knight Knight swung again. She swung once more, then again and again and again. She was relentless. Her energy reminded Frisk of Undyne. They had died many times fighting her, but they wouldn't make the same mistake again. They'd finish this quickly and find the three switches. They'd ride the elevator to the top floor, where Mettaton would probably be waiting. They'd confront him, prevail and continue on toward the capitol.

"You sound quite sure of yourself."

Frisk blocked Knight Knight's staff. She swung it towards them, blow curving to the right. Frisk parried the blow, slashing at her face. She stumbled back a little, before shakily regaining her balance. Frisk gave a sudden chuckle. _You gave yourself away._

Their laugh, for some reason, appeared to anger Knight Knight. She rushed towards them with surprising speed and damn near knocked them off their feet.

They swung at her, not caring that she dodged. A flame was kindling in their palm, and they drove it into Knight Knight's creepy bird face. It shrieked loudly. She waved her staff around wildly, knocking Frisk to the ground. They swore loudly, rolling out of the way quickly as the staff slammed down on the spot they had just been. They pulled their gun, firing at the bird face again. Its eyes had turned fully black and were now dripping with black tears. Knight Knight raised her staff, firing multicoloured beams of energy at them. They blocked it and took off toward her. They dodged the beam, smashed another away with their Shield and then ran right past her. But not before drawing their sword within the short moment they were side-by-side and slashed at her leg.

She fell to one knee, howling. Frisk skidded to a halt, spinning around. They instantly started running toward her. She turned, swinging her staff just as they brought their sword down on her helmet. Her staff slipped from her fingers and fell to the ground uselessly. She swayed on the spot a moment, before collapsing. Frisk gave a deep sigh as she fell. It was finally over.

Mettaton's voice rang out. "GOOD SHOW! THE HUMAN HAS BEATEN BOTH MADJICK AND KNIGHT KNIGHT IN ONE SITTING! AS MUCH AS I'D LIKE TO SEE HOW THEY FARE AGAINST OUR THREE REMAINING MERCENARIES, THEY HAVE SWITCHES TO FIND, AN ELEVATOR TO FIX!" He gave a hearty chuckle. "GO FORTH, HUMAN! THE DOORS ARE NOW UNLOCKED! AND AS ALWAYS... TOODLES!"

The screen went dead. Their entry door opened, as did two others.

Frisk slumped to the ground, back against a pillar. "Mission accomplished, with extreme prejudice." They sighed heavily. "I'm tired... I don't wanna fight anymore. I just wanna... give up."

"Why should you give up when you are closer to salvation than you think?" asked Chara.

"Y'know... maybe Sans was right," they sighed. "Maybe I _should_ just give up. Settle. Get a job. Get married. Have kids and die. I can only go so far, right?"

Chara snorted. "What a joyless existence to commit yourself to."

"Implying _this_ isn't joyless," said Frisk. "I guess... I guess you're right. If I really wanted to quit, I would've quit earlier." They stood, stretching. "Well, guess we better get goin'. Switches to flip, shows to star in, kings to meet and most importantly, ghosts to date."

Chara crossed their arms, but still followed Frisk out the door, muttering to themselves in righteous indignation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, there's part one of the CORE arc complete! I won't lie, this one was a little difficult to write, but all that matters is that it's here.
> 
> So, without further ado, it's time for Chapter Trivia!
> 
> 1\. Sans calls Frisk 'loco' meaning 'crazy', since 'hombre' is 'man' in Spanish. It's sorta like his equivalent of 'kiddo' in UNDERSNORT.
> 
> 2\. Sans telling Frisk 'not to try too hard' is a reference to an episode of Initial D Fourth Stage where before a race, one guy implies to the protagonist he should throw the race, AKA lose on purpose. He calls them out on this and is given the response "I didn't say anything like that. All I'm sayin' is not to race too hard. I'm doin' ya a favour, y'know."
> 
> 3\. The CORE entrance is a portal/teleporter because I always thought the idea of the thing that powers the entire Underground being behind a hotel was ridiculous.
> 
> 4\. The 'certain jester' that Frisk can't remember the name of is Dimentio from Super Paper Mario. I always thought Madjick and Dimentio looked similar, so the reference had to happen. As did the reference to Knight Knight's staff having a sun resembling the ones from Mario Sunshine. I know the staff doesn't normally have a sun on it, but still.
> 
> 6\. Madjick has a bit of Jevil's personality just because I feel like all magicians are a bit crazy. And it fits their characters and designs well.
> 
> 7\. Madjick's black triangle attack is a reference to one of Rumour Honeybottoms' attacks in Cuphead.
> 
> 8\. The exploding box attacks that Madjick uses are a reference to one of Dimentio's attacks in Super Paper Mario.
> 
> 9\. The first part of Frisk and Knight Knight's dialogue is a reference to Deadpool 2.
> 
> 10\. The line "always knew it'd be my old buddy fresk" is a reference to one of Big Smoke's lines in GTA: San Andreas.
> 
> Anyway, that about does it. Thanks for being patient with me while I work on these chapters. I really do appreciate it.
> 
> Also, before I end this, I'd like to address the fact there's no UNDERTALE: The Musical section in this. I decided not to put that there because it occurs directly after Muffet, and Muffet's fight occurs under different circumstances than in UNDERTALE, so I decided The Musical just wasn't important enough. It does include the lie that the Peashooter hurts him, but I felt that was unnecessary.
> 
> Wanna know what really grinds my gears? The MTT Corporation,  
> \- offbrandbiscuit


	16. 16: HardCORE Fawning

With a click, the first switch locked into place. Frisk dusted their gloved hands off, turning away. "One switch down, two more to go," they said to themselves. "I wonder what dumb mercenaries I'll be fighting next."

Chara scoffed. "Oh please. Without that gadget of yours, you'd still be stumbling around trying to avoid attacks."

Frisk rolled their eyes. "Thanks for the support."

Chara returned their gesture. "Good thing I wasn't born for that," they said.

"Speaking of that," said Frisk, "I wanna know, what were the king and queen like? Y'know, before."

They shrugged. "Well, what else is there to say other then that they were better parents than my birth parents could ever have hoped to be."

Frisk smirked. "You're just saying that because you got to be a royal child," they replied.

"Well, at least I won't wind up royally _dead_ ," jabbed Chara.

Frisk scoffed. "That's because you are."

"Touche."

"Thank you," they said, ending the conversation neatly. They headed out the doorway they had come in through, sinking to their knees as they gazed upon the many doorways on the left and right-hand sides of the room. "Looking for two more switches in this place is gonna be like looking for a decent show to watch at two in the afternoon," they whined.

"Well, that's one way to put it," said Chara, pursing their lips. "Surely there is some way to narrow down the search time. Where is Alphys in all of this?"

"Actually, I was thinking the same thing," said Frisk, fishing out their cell phone and calling her. "Surely she's gotta have something for me by now."

They stood around waiting for her to answer. It took surprisingly longer than they expected it to, considering Alphys always answered within at least ten seconds. This time it was more like a minute.

When she did pick up, Frisk gave an irritated, "Took ya long enough."

"I-I was in the b-b-bathroom," stammered Alphys indignantly. "A-anyway, w-what is it?"

"I found a switch," said Frisk.

"R-really? That's, uh... g-great!" said Alphys, all hot and spluttery once again. "A-and wh-what about the o-other two?"

"Well, that's the problem. I just got lucky on that first switch," conceded Frisk. "The other two could be literally anywhere in this godforsaken place. So, I wanted to know if you'd made any progress on mapping out the CORE's new layout."

She perked up immediately. "O-oh, since you asked, I actually _have_ made some progress!" she said brightly, nearly falling over in the rush to get back to the cameras.

"That's good," said Frisk, relieved. They leaned against the wall, waiting to hear the news.

"S-so, I was k-kinda going backwards with the cameras and trying to connect the rooms together with this r-really nifty computer p-program," explained Alphys. "R-really complicated. A-anyway, you're in a room that a-acts as a connector to a b-billion other rooms. N-not literally a billion!" she added quickly. "B-but— well, uh..."

Frisk frowned. "Uh... Are you okay?" they asked.

"F-fine!" she replied, but she certainly didn't sound like it. "J-just, uh, follow my instructions, okay? I-I know where we're going. J-just trust me, okay?"

"I'll trust you once you start telling me what to do," said Frisk boredly.

"S-so, the door on the far left? Y-y'see it?"

"Well, I've got eyes, don't I? Yeah."

"W-well, go about two doors to the right, and th-that's the one," said Alphys, no doubt sweating buckets. And Frisk could sort of understand why. She had no idea their possible death would mean nothing; they'd just come back and try again. She was trying her hardest to keep them alive and help them through here. They really had to appreciate her putting up with their shtick and making an effort unlike Sans. Though, to be honest, they had kinda given up caring on that. After all, he hadn't _had_ to be Frisk's caretaker, so he decided not to. It was just the fact he lied to both to them and Toriel when he promised to.

"Well, okay. Let's see where that takes us," said Frisk.

"...Us?" asked Alphys, confused. "L-like a team?"

Frisk rolled their eyes. "Yeah sure, like a team."

"W-wow, hehe, that's, uh..." chuckled Alphys. "That's p-pretty awesome."

"Good to know," said Frisk, heading over to the door. Just another hallway like the others. But would it lead them to the next switch? That remained to be seen.

They began walking to the end of the hall, hyper-sensitive to the sound of their footsteps against the metal tiles. They suspected the echo could be heard throughout the CORE. Regardless, they kept on going. It wasn't like they could give up anyway. They were stuck in here, until they found they could power up the elevator and get to the castle.

They stopped at a crossroad. There were three doorways ahead of them. "Which one?" they asked. "Left, right or middle?"

"W-well..." she paused. "Right."

"Okay," said Frisk, heading through the doorway. Another long, winding hallway presented itself before them, complete with more tubing, windows and flashy blue lights. "I admit, I love the way this place looks, but I'm getting sick of all the rooms looking the same."

"Y-yeah... t-that can get pretty annoying," said Alphys.

Frisk passed the time by muttering a long-winded rant about the monster civilization and how ridiculous the internal structure of the CORE was. "Who asks for a building that can be rearranged? Who thinks that's a good idea? Acute brain damage... bloody insane..."

At the hall there was — whaddaya know? — another hall, this time going left and right. Which was also the choice Frisk now had to make.

"Uh, I think... I'm pretty sure it's right!" Alphys was silent a moment, probably referring to her notes. "N-no, it's left."

"I hope for your sake that you're _right_ ," said Frisk knowingly, hearing Alphys stifle a laugh over the phone. There was a doorway at the end, but there seemed to be a room at the end. Frisk felt hopeful, even though they knew it was probably just another room full of hallways or a completely useless room. Not like they hadn't already seen their fair share of them.

The room turned out to be a decently-sized lobby, with a long spiral staircase along the perimeter. Four monsters were sitting around talking. They all wore black hooded capes and grey clothing underneath. Some had quivers full of arrows, no doubt enchanted, bows under their arms. The clever ones had plumped for the better option (in Frisk's expert opinion) and had guns, belts full of ammunition strapped to their back. Frisk couldn't quite make out their faces, but recognised one as a Pyrope. They weren't entirely sure if it was the same one that had been on _Question Time_ with them.

"That human _has_ to be around here somewhere," said one of them.

"Why they gotta be here of all places?" asked Pyrope grumpily. "Place is like a maze. So not cool, dawg."

"Word is that they got past Knight Knight and Madjick. _And_ they flipped the first switch," said another, loading an arrow into his crossbow. "They were guardin' the first floor. Great job they did." He gave a high-pitched laugh.

"Like you could do any better," said Pyrope. "We in charge of the second floor, right? So, if we find that little punk, we'll be rollin' in dough from now 'til the end of time."

 _Hmm... Interesting,_ thought Frisk. _So the next switch is on the next floor. Going by that logic, that means the final switch should be on the third floor._

"Now, boys, let's go make us some money," said the monster with the crossbow. It was a deep-voiced male voice Frisk didn't recognise.

"I'm _so_ ready, yo!" shouted Pyrope, cocking his Glock. "Let's cap this fool!"

The third monster whacked him in the head. "Bloody wanker! Did'ja already forget he wants them alive?" All Frisk could tell was she had a British accent and was a female. They didn't want to jump to conclusions, but that fit Pricilla, the newspaper writer on _Question Time_.

Pyrope grumpily put his gun away. "Fine, no killin'."

 _Oh, well that's a relief,_ thought Frisk. _I won't be murdered._

"You feel that being captured will result in a fate worse than death," said Chara.

The group of mercenaries were ascending the staircase, meaning they had assumed Frisk was on the second floor. _Hopefully this gives me the element of surprise._

"It won't," said Chara.

 _Do you think if I snuck up on them, I could take them all out at once while they're on the stairs?_ Frisk wondered out loud. Chara rolled their eyes impressively. "Please. Don't insult my intelligence."

"What? Scared my IQ'll test higher than yours?" teased Frisk. Chara merely scoffed and crossed their arms. Frisk waited until the monsters were clearly out of sight, then entered the room. It felt a lot smaller than it looked, though Frisk didn't really pay that much attention to it. They began climbing the stairs one-by-one, hyper-aware of every tiny and insignificant sound they heard, heart beating like a stock suspense drum sound effect.

"I hope you realise that being paranoid doesn't help you," said Chara indifferently. "You need to stay calm." A pause. "There's also something else I'd like to talk to you about."

"Okay, well, go ahead," said Frisk, shrugging. "We've got a long-ass climb to the next floor."

Chara nodded. "A splendid decision not to run. That would merely burn off all your energy and tire you out. I would like to speak to you about the matter of your magic attacks."

"Okay, what about 'em?" they asked, footsteps still echoing throughout the room.

Chara was now floating in front of them, off to their right, always staying a few steps ahead of them, legs crossed and arms folded in their lap. "You are quite the quick-tempered individual," they began.

"Can't argue with that," muttered Frisk.

Chara continued. "Getting fired up like that in the middle of a fight is unwise. People tend to be uncoordinated or messy when stricken with a fit of rage. So, I would advise you start trying to control yourself in fights. A cool, calm and collected foe is much harder to defeat than one that is fuelled by rage."

Frisk tapped the rail lightly with a gloved finger. "I don't really have time for anger management classes when the entire Underground wants me dead," they replied.

"It would certainly help keep you from dying," said Chara forcefully.

"Yeah, I guess you're right," they admitted. "I do have a bit of an issue with that. But hey, can ya blame me?"

"I suppose not," said Chara, sighing. "How did the Underground get to this point...?"

"Well, you know what they say," said Frisk. "War brings out the best in everyone. Sorry, did I say 'best'?"

Chara rolled their eyes for the five-hundredth time that day and punched Frisk in the shoulder. "Hilarious."

Frisk managed to smile back. "I guess, in a quiet moment, I could say I blame the war for all this. But right now, with a deranged TV star sending mercenaries to hunt me down and, I dunno, take my SOUL for some reason, and a million other people who'd probably take a swing at me if they could, I feel more comfortable laying the blame at their feet," they said conversationally, their leather-clad palm dragging on the metal rail. "Hey, we're almost at the top," they added, gesturing towards the huge arched doorway at the top, the Delta Rune hanging over it.

"Good," said Chara. "So, it's simple: avoid the mercenaries, fight your way out if cornered and activate the switch." They gave a humourless chuckle. "Simple."

"If there's a third switch on the third floor, does that mean there's mercenaries guarding it?" asked Frisk. "I mean, that Pyrope mentioned that they were in charge of the second floor, and that Knight Knight and Madjick were guarding the first floor."

"If we're going by that logic, yes," said Chara. "And considering Mettaton hired mercenaries to make this show extra-authentic, I remain convinced that he hired enough to each be patrolling all three floors at the same time, just in case a hypothetical human decided to try and sneak past."

"The only hypothetical human I'm thinking of is my ghost date," said Frisk smoothly.

"When we reach the surface, I'm filing for a restraining order," sneered Chara.

"Is that to restrain me in a dungeon?" Frisk returned.

Chara's eyes went wider than physically possible, their face ablaze with fury. "You sick bastard!" they howled. "Now I'm pressing charges!"

"You wouldn't," said Frisk, breaking into a laugh. "You couldn't bear to see me in a jail cell."

"Actually, that's on my bucket list," said Chara. "In between 'free Underground' and 'see stars with Asriel'."

"Why is such an unrealistic thing between two realistic things?" asked Frisk.

"I prefer to call them 'wishes'," said Chara. "Because I know they won't come true."

"Yeah, there's no way the cops'll _ever_ catch me," said Frisk, smirking.

"That kind of mentality is how you get caught," said Chara. "As I was saying, they won't come true unless you give Asgore your SOUL. However, I highly doubt you would ever do that."

"You know me too well," said Frisk. "I've come too far just to hand over the very culmination of my being. Even if it means we gotta fight for it."

"You seem quite calm considering your current situation and the things to come," said Chara.

"I thought that was what you wanted?" asked Frisk, teasing.

"I could point out why that isn't what I meant, but we're at the second floor so, let's forget it," said Chara.

Frisk took out their phone and called Alphys. She picked up relatively quickly this time. "H-hiya!" she greeted squeakily. "G-g-g-good news, I h-h-hope?"

"Depends on how you look at it," said Frisk. "Before me lies the doorway to the second floor. What's more, I've just seen a group of mercenaries head inside. Something about capturing a human and rolling in dough... I wasn't fully listening."

Alphys chuckled nervously. "I've b-been working on m-mapping out the CORE for you, a-and I _might_ have j-just had a breakthrough!"

"That's... good? What kind of a breakthrough?"

"S-so, t-the first floor's of n-no use now, since you're on t-the second," said Alphys. "Since everything's all over the place, I, uh... i-inadvertently m-may have assembled a vague map of t-the second floor, and a t-tiny bit of the t-third?"

Frisk smiled. "That's great! Keep going and see if you can fully map the second floor, okay? You're doing great," they said encouragingly.

"R-r-really? W-wow," said Alphys. "T-that's, uh... g-g-good to know! Y-you too!" She remained on the line for a few moments, nervously giggling, before she finally said "goodbye", hanging up immediately after the words left her lips.

"Well, she's assembled a 'vague' map of the second floor," said Frisk. "So, that's good. If only I could tell where all the mercenaries are."

"So long as you're careful, you won't have to know," said Chara. "Just try not to attract too much attention to yourself. Though, considering you, that's probably impossible." They smirked. "You love getting into fights and finding new and creative ways to either win or escape. Just admit it."

"Well, I can't disagree with that," said Frisk, walking through the doorway and heading down the hallway. "Though, getting into fights isn't the only thing I—" they stopped when they saw the murderous glint in Chara's eye. "I'll shut up now."

"Hopefully long enough to get out of here safely," mused Chara.

Frisk rolled their eyes and didn't answer. They strolled briskly to the end of the hallway, slowing as they reached the corner. Steadying themselves against the wall, they peeked around the corner, sighing heavily when they saw that it was empty. All the same, they crept around it almost noiselessly, taking careful, deliberate steps, fingers wrapped around the handle of their gun. In all honesty, they didn't think they'd ever shoot someone. Only distract them long enough to escape. Still, didn't mean they weren't completely past the idea. Their eyes flicked back and forth nervously. Though they knew looking behind them wasn't the smartest move, they did it anyway. Multiple times. Chara's disapproval was obvious, though they didn't say a word.

Frisk was already impatient and it had only been a few minutes. They didn't want to have to do any more unnecessary sneaking around. They just wanted to find those mercenaries and give them a piece of their mind. And by that they meant they wanted to exchange some, er, very unfriendly words with each and every one of them. Which would involve pointing a gun at them. Threateningly.

"You sure do plan these revenge fantasies out fast," remarked Chara.

"Come on, when there's a bunch of losers who are too lazy to get a real job hunting me and making it very difficult and dangerous to just hurry through here, I definitely want revenge. Swift revenge," they added. They adjusted their trilby, sighing. "At this point I just want to sleep. No more running around. Just sleep."

"You keep forgetting that I could make that happen," Chara reminded them. "There's no point in just complaining about it. I'll deal with it."

"Ugh, no," said Frisk, disgusted. "This is _my_ dirty work. I can't just pass it off to you."

Chara scoffed. "Talk about self-righteous," they jabbed.

"I just feel like I have to be the one to do this," said Frisk. "It's cool if you don't understand; I don't expect you to. After all, I've already proven that I'm a self-serving, self-righteous, self-whatever bastard anyway."

"That, right there, is truly self-righteous," said Chara, shaking their head.

"Well, congratulations," said Frisk sarcastically. "You actually guessed right. I'm just shocked you got it. Of course it sounds self-righteous. I gotta take my share of the blame, right? Otherwise that just means being a coward and blaming someone else."

"There were multiple factors that lead to that," said Chara.

"And it was my choice to become what I am now," said Frisk.

"An irritating, perverted, flirtatious idiot?" suggested Chara hopefully.

Frisk shrugged. "I agree with three of those things."

"I won't ask which one you left out," said Chara distastefully.

The two continued in silence for a while, Frisk humming in a tired way. Anyone would be after seeing the same things over and over even for just an hour. Just miles of blue and grey. It was practically driving Frisk insane. They needed to get this over with, and fast.

They stopped at a crossroad, huffing loudly. "Y'know what, I don't even care about being sneaky anymore. I'm gonna find all of those mercenaries and beat 'em all. And if I happen to find the switch on my way... good for me," they declared. They straightened their coat and set off determinedly. They took the right corner, pulling out their phone as they did. They called Alphys, hoping for some good news regarding the second floor map. They weren't disappointed.

"G-great n-n-news!" she stammered. "The s-second floor is... m-maybe, uh, s-seventy-five percent d-d-done? But," she continued, "I l-located the room the s-switch is in!"

"That's great to know!" said Frisk, relieved. "At least this means I can stop wandering around like an idiot. Can you send it over?"

"A-already d-done it!" she answered proudly. "G-g-go, f-find the switch! I b-believe in y-you!"

"Thanks, you too," said Frisk, hanging up and turning to the map she had sent them.

It was awfully big, and the trouble was it didn't entirely tell Frisk where _they_ were. As far as they were concerned, they were on the second floor, middle of nowhere. So, they called Alphys again and asked if she could locate them. She quickly verified their location as being some random hallway, but with a few tries, she was able to correctly pinpoint their position on the map. They were a decent ways away from the switch room, but they knew they could find it so long as they paid attention to the map. To do this, they'd have to track their progress somehow.

They thought for a minute about what they might do, before hitting on the genius idea of drawing their path, akin to a maze puzzle. After all, they still had that pen they bought from Gerson. But, that was quickly quashed due to the fact it was on their phone and not a piece of paper. So, they elected to just wage this on their memory. But before setting off, they SAVED, just in case they needed to try again.

Keeping an eye on the map, they headed down the hallway, turning left and following the path until they reached a V-shaped fork. According to the map, they should go down the left. So, they hurried down the path, not wanting to waste any time. All the while, they kept their phone in their right hand and their left on their gun. Checking the map, they made a quick right and then a left, running toward a small set of stairs. Just their luck, two mercenaries emerged from the doorway, practically flying down the stairs. The two held their weapons at the ready. Their faces were still hidden by their hoods. A raspy voice came floating out of the one on the left. It sounded like an old man on his deathbed. Dying of lung cancer. Oh, and he has chronic asthma too.

"Human... Surrender now and we will spare your life," he said.

Frisk scoffed. "Wow, rude. You think I'm stupid? If I die, your mystery client—" _Probably Mettaton._ "—won't get his soul," they reminded the two.

The mercenary shuffled his feet. "Exactly the reason I already said not to kill 'em," said the second, lowering her bow slightly.

The first was unmoved. "Very well then. Surrender yourself to us or we will resort to deadly force," came the asthma-stricken, long-suffering old man voice once again.

"H-hey!" exclaimed the second, turning to face him. " _No killing!_ He wants them _alive_ , you twit!"

The first mercenary gave an exasperated sigh and pointed the bow at Frisk more aggressively. "Surrender and we will take you unharmed. Refuse and we will use..." The second mercenary's apparent angry glare made him pause. "Reasonable... force."

The second nodded. "Thank you!" she said, exasperated.

"And what kind of reasonable force would that be?" asked Frisk, trying to ready their hand as inconspicuously as possible. Just a little more stalling...

"We'll shoot you," said the mercenary aggressively, disregarding his partner's protests. "Surrender now and none of that will be necessary. This is your one chance to decide. Do not make me repeat myself."

"H-huh?" asked Frisk, waving a hand in the air. "Sorry, I'm a bit deaf. Can you tell me again?"

The mercenary appeared to begin talking again, but he didn't get the chance to say whatever he was going to say. They whipped out the gun and fired two rounds in their general direction. The mercenaries each fired their arrows as they dived out of the way. Neither hit Frisk. Needless to say, they were kind of irritated that they had to do this in a hallway. It wasn't exactly the most ideal fighting environment, but it had its perks. For instance, long-range combat would be their best friend here. The only problem Frisk could see was the fact that close-range was sometimes the best way to finish an opponent off. And that would be near-impossible considering both the environment and the fact it was a two-on-one.

"Very well," said the old, ailing man, who Frisk would rather offer a cough drop to than fight. "We have no other choice but to take you in by force."

"Sorry, love!" chirped the second. "But we really do need the money!"

"Yeah, I can see that," they said. "You really oughta wear something less tacky."

The asthmatic summoned a set of flaming arrows, sending them all towards Frisk. They were careful while dodging, since the other arrows followed their path. The lady fired an arrow directly at their chest. Frisk twirled around, dodging the arrow.

"Oh, how spectacular!" marveled the lady. "A natural-born dodger, never been more sure of it in my life!"

"I love when the ladies lie to me," deadpanned Frisk.

"Your macho act increased your ATTACK!"

Frisk narrowed their eyes. _Wait, really?_

"...Never mind, nothing happened," said Chara indifferently.

_Screw you._

"Only in your dreams."

Frisk snorted with laughter. _My dreams are only of—_

"Better dodge that one."

Frisk blinked, swearing when they saw the bow loaded with blue and orange arrows. "We'll resume this later," they muttered under their breath.

The asthmatic fired all of them at once. Frisk sidestepped a few blue arrows, passing through some orange ones. Once they cleared the wave, they aimed their gun at the asthmatic and fired. It hit its mark, causing Frisk to freeze in their tracks. The asthmatic fell to one knee, but it didn't appear that he was gravely injured.

The lady shook her head. "That wasn't very 'gamer' as people are sayin', but I can respect such a sharp shooter!"

The asthmatic grunted. "Are you kidding? I just got shot, and you're telling 'em you respect them?" he asked in disbelief.

"What can I say?" asked Frisk, shrugging comically. "Ladies just love a guy that can handle a gun."

The lady gave a coy chuckle. "Oh, you! If I weren't supposed to capture you, I'd take you on a date!" she said, swooning.

"ARE YOU FORGETTING WE'RE SUPPOSED TO GET MARRIED?" the asthmatic shrieked, not sounding so asthmatic now. Both Frisk and the lady practically jumped out of their skin. "This was supposed to help us pay for our wedding, and now you're _flirting_ with our target? What are you going to do next, sleep with them?" He looked back at Frisk with hatred in his fire-like eyes.

"Hey, for your information, I was going to refuse on the grounds that I'm fifteen," said Frisk indignantly. "And anyway, I already have someone." They winked.

"Someone who doesn't want you," said Chara, not that it would make much difference.

"WHATEVER!" shouted the mercenary, drawing a blade. "Human! Child or not, you're coming with us!"

"Whatever happened to 'don't take rides with strangers'?" jabbed Frisk, dodging as the mercenary threw an especially sharp-tipped arrow at them. "Aggressive much?"

The mercenary's chest was heaving. He threw off his hood, revealing him to be... Krell, the snarky bird monster from _Question Time._

"Really? You?" asked Frisk, honestly not all that impressed.

Krell smirked. "Didn't expect to see me here, did you?"

"Yeah, that's what I was implying..." said Frisk. "It's uh, nice to see you?"

Krell didn't even respond, just continued smirking importantly.

"What's with the sudden reveal?" asked Frisk. "Hoping I'll be impressed by it?"

"I don't need the approval of a mere child," he said indignantly. "These were our only option unless we wanted to be showered in 80s' fashion statements and cheap glitter." He scowled. "I also happen to be especially gifted at voice impressio—"

"Yeah, whatever," said Frisk, turning their attention to the female mercenary. "Pricilla, right?" they ventured.

She giggled and pulled her hood down, revealing her rabbit face. "What gave it away?" she asked, grinning.

"It was pretty obvious," said Frisk. After an awkward pause where even Krell looked pained, they continued. "So, what about Slimy? Is he here too?"

"We wish," said Krell, scowling. "We tried— and by that, I mean _I_ tried — to get him to come, but he gave me a load of morality bullshit and told me I oughta be ashamed of myself and yada yada." He rolled his eyes. "So it's just us and some other suckers."

"Looks like Mettaton was so stretched for talent that he had to raid _Question Time_ for actors," jabbed Frisk.

Krell snarled. "I'm more talented than you could ever hope to be!"

"So," said Frisk, ignoring him. "Old faces, new setting. Guess that means we just gotta get re-acquainted."

Krell straightened up, puffing out his chest. "Time to pull out all the stops," he said dramatically. "We'll see who comes out on top. And it won't be you!" He drew his bow once more. "Come on! What are you waiting for, human? A hug?"

"One from your wife-to-be sounds just lovely," said Frisk. Chara groaned.

Krell snarled. "You're dead!" he shouted, loading a full quiver of magical arrows into his bow. He fired off a quick stream, Frisk dodging each one.

They conjured a stream of fireballs, sending them at Pricilla instead of Krell. She dodged, firing a burst of magic back at them. Frisk summoned their Shield and blocked it. Pricilla was getting excited again. "Yes, yes, that's the way! Keep it up!" she cheered, creating five small orbs in her hand, flicking them towards Frisk. They all flew erratically in different directions. Frisk dodged the first and second, creating a Barrier behind them as the last remaining orb flew at them. They batted it right back at her with their Sword. She grunted as it struck her in the chest. "N-nice work!" she chirruped. "But we all know you don't hit a lady!"

"Who exactly are you rooting for here?" asked Krell angrily. "Your future husband or the human whose soul will fund the wedding?"

"With the way things are going, _I_ might be her future husband," smirked Frisk, dodging Krell's arrow. "Hey, chill. Not my fault you can't satisfy her." They winked.

He definitely didn't look like he appreciated this. "I'm gonna silence you for good, you brat!" he shouted, running at them, blade in hand. Frisk took a deep breath, focusing on Krell's movements, while keeping an eye on Pricilla. They began running toward Krell, gripping their own weapon. They knew what they were going to do. They just had to time it right.

Krell neared. Almost. _Almost._

As he swung violently at them, their Sword disappeared. They veered to the right, sliding right past him. Just for that little extra something, they made an 'L' on their forehead as they passed. He skidded to a halt, more enraged than before. It had never occurred to them that the icy-cold interviewer on _Question Time_ could be this quick to anger. Then again, he had just been shot in the chest and seen his wife-to-be flirt with his target, a human child. So, maybe his rage was understandable.

Frisk scrambled to their feet, drawing their Sword as they did, blocking Krell's attack. He swung again. Frisk blocked it, monster and human pushing against each other, blades locking. Krell looked like a vein in his head was going to burst, whereas Frisk looked mostly calm to the casual observer, their poker face steady. Frisk sidestepped him, causing Krell to stumble forward. Frisk hit his back with the hilt of their Sword. He yelled, whipping around and slicing downward with such ferocity it actually appeared to leave marks in the air. Frisk stumbled back, missing the tip of the sword by just a few centimetres. It hit the tile floor, which shattered, sending broken pieces of tile everywhere.

Panting and past breaking point, Krell screamed, "WHY AREN'T YOU HELPING, PRISSY?"

Frisk snorted. "'Prissy'? Wow, you guys are sad."

Pricilla held up her hands. "Well, excuse me for getting a little invested in the action," she replied sarcastically. "It feels wrong for us to gang up on them like this. Anyway, I haven't seen a good old-fashioned duel like this in a long time.

"Well, don't look away," said Frisk. "Your would-be husband's about to lose."

Krell was fuming. "Fine! FINE!" he shouted, despite his tone evidently suggesting it was not fine. "I'll just take them down myself!"

Frisk sighed. _This guy just never knows when to quit, does he?_

They sidestepped him as he drove his blade towards them. They twirled gracefully to the left to avoid his next swing. They drove the hilt of their Sword into him again. They missed, but only just. Krell gave a loud chuckle, hands on hips. Clearly, he hadn't read 'Things Not to Do When it Appears You are Winning a Fight for Dummies', because that gave Frisk all the time they needed to knock him off his feet, hitting him with the hilt of the sword. He screamed, though it didn't sound like pain; try frustration. He slumped to the floor, back against the wall.

Frisk stepped back, wiping sweat from their forehead. Not even the CORE's overpowered air-conditioning system could stop them from breaking a sweat during a fight. They looked back at Pricilla. "So. Guess it's just you and me, huh?" asked Frisk, gripping their sword tightly. "Let's get this over with."

"No thanks," said Pricilla, backing off. "I'm not getting beaten up by a small human. I think I'll go home, retire to my living room with a cup of tea... yes..." She walked past Frisk, stopping halfway. She looked over at them. "Just so you know... I, err... will probably cancel the wedding, so... if you... want to go out sometime—"

"Please, not so loud, he might throw a fit," said Frisk, rolling their eyes. "And for Christ's sake, I'm fifteen. A minor. And I already—" Chara's death glare made them stop. "Never mind. Does that make sense to you?"

"Fine," huffed Pricilla. "Ugh, all the good-looking men are either full of rage or underage."

"Keep trying," said Frisk, starting to walk away. "A woman like you can _surely_ find someone." They stopped at Krell's body, looked around, then muttered, "But you? Sheesh, I don't think a guy like you could _ever_ be in a relationship."

"The only person with less chance of being in a relationship is you," said Chara. "On account of the fact you keep throwing yourself at a ghost who doesn't want you."

"Or is that just what you tell yourself?" asked Frisk, smirking.

Chara groaned. "Just get a move on."

"Ah, you see, y'see?" asked Frisk, snickering. "Dodging the question. You're in _denial_!"

Chara huffed, crossing their arms and looking away.

"Excuse me, are you talking to yourself?" asked Pricilla over her shoulder.

"None of your business," said Frisk, speeding up to avoid more awkward questions of that nature.

They hurried up the stairs, through the doorway and down the hall, only stopping at a fork in the path to catch their breath. They slumped against the wall, gasping for air.

"You need a break," said Chara. "Look at you."

"Just... Just give me a minute," muttered Frisk. "I've got this."

"I hope so," said Chara, turning away.

This was the time that Frisk was supposed to have a deep internal monologue and wonder again why they weren't quitting, but they were past that. They were just thinking about how good an ice-cold drink would be right about now. Unfortunately, there was no spell to make a soda appear out of thin air, so they instead resorted to mentally listing all the reasons they deserved a drink right now. They had gotten to number fifteen when Chara (irritably) suggested they get a move on.

Frisk stood up, yawned and pulled out their phone to check the map again. They weren't too far away from the switch room, but they still had to be on guard; there were still two more mercenaries out there. _Hell, maybe there's one camping in the switch room,_ they thought. When they thought about it, they doubted it for a number of reasons, but decided they'd keep it in mind.

They strolled down the hall, now so confident that they began humming cheerily, making sure it was audible to any passers-by. Chara rolled their eyes, but didn't say anything, as usual. They still kept their hand on their gun, keeping it hidden inside their coat, acting outwardly happy-go-lucky, in the hopes this would either draw out or catch any mercenary off-guard.

"It won't," said Chara.

"Hmm?"

"Oh? Nothing."

Frisk rolled their eyes. "Suuuure," they said sarcastically, but shrugged it off.

Truthfully, it was kind of awkward, the two of them just traveling down the hallways, turning left or right every so often, trying to not make conversation, knowing it would go something like this:

Frisk: "So, uh... how are you?"

Chara: "Me? I'm fine."

Frisk: "That's good."

 _Yeah, I'm not dealing with that unnecessary tension,_ thought Frisk. They needed something they could use as a decent conversation topic; something that wasn't already burnt out or a no-go zone. They just decided to start throwing questions at Chara until they ran out. And surely by then they'd have run into another mercenary or two, or better still, find the switch room!

"So, uh, when we get to the surface... That is, _if_ we get to the surface... What do you want to do?" asked Frisk, taking the left path, leading them down the five millionth neon-tubed corridor they'd seen all day.

"Well, if I'm honest, there isn't much I _can_ do in this current state," said Chara. "Unless you'd be willing to share control over your body from time to time."

"Well, if we _do_ get there, I think we can work that out," said Frisk, forcing a chuckle. "Though it'd be kinda weird if I got a job and then showed up some days talking and sounding different than I had the day before."

"You could easily explain that away if you wanted to," said Chara.

"I guess."

"So, do you wanna talk about that?" they asked. "I mean, now's as good a time as any to talk about the surface."

They nodded. "I suppose you're right. I'll be honest," they added, with a smirk, "I don't think humans use gold as currency."

"Yeah, there's also that," said Frisk, sighing. "Guess we might run into some problems there." They were silent a moment, then continued. "I guess I really _would_ have to return to that orphanage. But it sure as hell beats living down here with a target on my back."

"Do you think they'd recognise you?" asked Chara. "I mean, how long has it been? A few days? A week?"

Frisk shrugged. "Damned if I know. To be honest, I don't really care if they don't," they replied. "It's not like they even cared."

Frisk rounded a corner, checking the map. They were close now. All there was left was just this switch, then the third and they'd be able to use the elevator. _Though to be fair, couldn't they have just built some stairs?_ they wondered, before instantly dropping it. Nothing in the Underground made logical sense anyway.

They hurried down the hall, rounded a corner and then burst through the door of the switch room. They rushed over to the switch. They were reaching for it when they heard the sound of a gun behind them. They mentally groaned.

"Oh. I see how it is, then," they said, turning around. It was another hooded figure. Pyrope was standing over in the corner, hopping around like crazy. "Yo, like, bro, we just cornered 'em!"

"Yeah, ya got me," said Frisk, sighing. "Would either of you gentlemen care to help yourselves to my wallet, considering I won't be needing it anymore?"

Pyrope bounced eagerly on the spot. "Hell yeah, bro! Gimme some of that green!"

Frisk frowned. "Uhh... you mean yellow, right? Because monsters use gold for currency."

Pyrope looked embarrassed. "Uhh... yeah, that's what I said."

Frisk seized the moment while it was still freshly baked. They pulled their gun and swung it at the hooded figure. It gave a near demonic screech, falling to the ground. Pyrope freaked out and started blasting away at them. They summoned a Barrier, moving closer. He would have to run out of bullets eventually.

Which he did. The gun began clicking instead of firing off hot lead. Then, they seized the opportunity and delivered an impressive blow to Pyrope's flaming head with the gun. He sunk to the floor. The other figure was moaning and groaning on the ground, still conscious. Frisk decided that they'd better hurry up and flip the switch before they wasted any more time in a room with these two. They ran back over to the switch, flipping it and dashing out in just a few seconds. They checked the map. The stairs to the next floor were just a right turn away.

As they began rapidly ascending the staircase to the third floor, they heard a PA sound. "W-W-WELL, THAT WASN'T QUITE WHAT I EXPECTED, D-DEAR VIEWERS!" said Mettaton, sounding a little off his game. "T-THE HUMAN APPROACHES THE THIRD AND FINAL FLOOR. SO, I HAVE A PROPOSITION FOR ANY FIENDISH MERCENARIES OUT THERE: YOU'RE ALL ON YOUR OWN NOW!" he laughed.

Frisk frowned. What exactly was he on about...?

"WHICHEVER OF YOU FINDS AND CAPTURES THE HUMAN WILL WALK AWAY WITH DOUBLE THE PRIZE MONEY!" he declared. "IT'S EVERY MONSTER FOR THEMSELVES NOW. TOODLES!"

The PA went dead. Frisk scowled. "Figures."

"Figures... what exactly?" asked Chara.

"It figures Mettaton would do something so scummy," they answered, rubbing their temple. "Well, guess we'd better get this over with," they muttered. "The last switch is up there somewhere, and that's going to be our ticket to the elevator, which will hopefully get us out of this Godforsaken place."

They slowed to walking pace about halfway, needing to conserve their energy. Come to think of it, they were thinking they deserved a break right about now. They needed some food or drink. They decided they'd stop and rest once they reached the third floor. At least that way, they had something to look forward to.

"Have you decided what you're going to do about Asgore?" asked Chara.

"No. What options do I really have?" they asked.

"You may have to fight him," they said. "Perhaps if you win, he could be spared. Though winning will be difficult. The enemies you have faced so far are nothing compared to him."

"Sounds like you admire him."

"He was my father, what would you expect?" they replied. "He treated me like he did his own son." They sighed. "You had better be prepared. Considering the position he's in now, he will likely fight until either you or him drops dead. I think he'd want it to be him."

Frisk was a little taken aback. "Ouch."

Chara shrugged. "I wouldn't expect you to understand. Not even _I_ fully understand. He loved his children so much that he would gladly lay down his life for them." They chuckled quietly. "I cannot understand those feelings."

"Love's a crazy thing," said Frisk, shrugging.

Chara smiled lazily. "Interesting, coming from the depraved flirt," they jabbed.

"What, you think I love the people I flirt with?" asked Frisk.

"You're saying you don't?"

Frisk rolled their eyes. "Have you _ever_ been in love?" they asked.

"Have you?" Chara retorted.

"Touche," said Frisk grudgingly. "Flirting doesn't really have serious intentions. It's mostly just a playful type of behaviour, I guess."

"And you know this because...?"

"I was a little shit before falling, and I'm a little shit now."

"So it wasn't the fall that made you crazy," said Chara. "Thank you for clarifying that."

"Hilarious."

They reached the third floor entrance. They sat down, resting their back against the metal railing. They momentarily considered a Cinnamon Bunny, but then decided against it. They didn't have any water and the sugar would just make them thirsty. So, they dug out some food, quickly stuffing it into their mouth so they could get this show back on the road.

"So, what do you expect to find on this third floor?" asked Chara, visibly perturbed by Frisk's ravenous eating.

"Not now, eating," said Frisk, taking another bite of their food. "Be right back after these messages."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heya. It's been a while, hasn't it? I hit a bit of a block in the creation of this chapter, but the next one shouldn't be too difficult. Next time on UNDERSNORT: Frisk fights a trio of mercenaries, fixes an elevator, and approaches the exciting conclusion of Mettaton's newest show: Attack of the— oops, spoilers.
> 
> So, as you may or may not know, I've been doing a lot more art as of recently. Because to be honest, I just haven't been working on UNDERSNORT as much as I wish I had been. Mostly I've been drawing or attempting to work on some poor excuses for music. If you want to check it out, I'm on Deviantart and Soundcloud under the same name. My SC's pretty bare, so don't get too excited.
> 
> Anyways, enough of that. Time for Chapter Trivia™!
> 
> ...is what I WOULD say if there was any. Ouch.
> 
> Well, uh... guess that's the end of the chapter then. See ya.
> 
> Krell: the only monster to be divorced before he even married,  
> \- offbrandbiscuit


	17. 16.5: Worst Last Episode Ever!

The set of doors slid open. Frisk stepped through, cautiously staring around. Unlike the previous floor, this one appeared to be comprised of interconnected rooms, not hallways. And Frisk was betting all the gold they had that they were all going to look near-identical, thus making their job a lot harder as per usual. Still, they were just going to have to roll with it, like they always did.

"The final floor," they said. "The end of this nonsense."

"I don't think they will be looking for you this time," said Chara. "They'll guard the switch. Wait for you to come to them."

"Well, can't say I wasn't expecting that." They sighed. "Still, doesn't help me find the switch."

"Call Alphys, then," said Chara irritably. "She said her map of the third floor was almost done? Check in with her."

"Yeah, yeah," they muttered. "I never asked you to nag me."

"I never asked to guide an incompetent," Chara replied.

"Then why are you still doing it?"

"Pity."

Frisk snorted. "If it helps you sleep at night," they replied, taking out their phone and dialing Alphys's number.

"Hey," she greeted. "S-so, I, uh, take it y-you've reached the third floor?"

"Yeah," said Frisk wearily. "I... I've got a bad feeling about it, honestly."

"R-r-really?" she asked. Frisk wondered if "hot and sweaty" was a tone, because she was making a good case for it. "W-well, uh... I-I'm here for you! A-and I can guide you to the final switch, honest!"

"Yeah, yeah, I believe you," said Frisk, rolling their eyes. "Lead the way."

Alphys began rattling off directions at a steady pace, giving Frisk enough time to either question or obey her. Nothing too out of the ordinary for the most part, though they did notice her stutter becoming more and more apparent as time went on. This didn't exactly surprise them, though. Alphys was a nervous and bitchy wreck. Truthfully, they weren't entirely sure how well she could guide them. Her connection to Mettaton was reason enough for them to be wary, but, they couldn't see a problem with trusting her for the time being. Besides, if she tried to pull a fast one on them, they knew exactly what they'd do. Freak out. Wonder what to do. Then do whatever Chara suggested they do. Until Chara betrayed them too. And so on and so forth, 'til the non-existent end of the Earth.

"Your mind really wanders, you know," mused Chara out loud.

"Is that bothering you?" asked Frisk absentmindedly, knowing Chara would say yes.

"Actually, yes," they replied. "If you could do me a favour and stop thinking for a minute, that would be spectacular."

"Err... d-did I, uhh, say something?" asked Alphys. Frisk ignored Chara's 'what-did-I-tell-you' smirk, silently wishing they weren't still holding the phone in one hand and their gun in the other.

"Nah, just thinking," they lied. "So, uh, where next? And also, why the hell is this place even a maze of rooms? Isn't this kinda counter-productive, considering people work here? How do people even find the door?"

"W-well, it _wasn't_ a maze," said Alphys. "A-a-at least, until Mettaton t-touched it."

Frisk sighed yet again. What kind of place was this, honestly…

"Is there not just some kind of shortcut so I can skip to the switch?" they asked.

"No!" said Alphys, exasperated. "I _can_ try to bring the switch c-closer. B-by re-arranging some of the rooms."

Frisk wasn't so sure about that. "Uhh... how safe is that?"

"N...not very?" She giggled nervously. "I mean, I wouldn't risk it, b-but—"

"Okay, okay, okay," they sighed, feeling like death inside. "Let's say we try it. What kind of risks are we running, if I follow all your directions?"

"T-there's a risk of falling in between gaps or getting lost, b-but if you do what I say, everything should be okay!" she replied.

Frisk sighed internally. _What a great way to die._ They reached their cupped palm out and willed a SAVE point to appear. When it did, they SAVED. Then, swallowing the fear they did feel, they said, "Well, okay. Let's give it a shot." while feeling as though they were signing their death warrant.

"W-well... u-uh..." Alphys's voice trailed off. Frisk nearly screamed. "Quit stalling, I don't wanna back out or anything!"

The lights shut off. _Great work, Alphys. Definitely what I asked for._

"TSK TSK, ALPHYS," came Mettaton's voice, presumably out of a PA system. "WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT HELPING THE HUMAN?"

"Great, _now_ the bastard interrupts," muttered Frisk bitterly.

"THAT WON'T DO AT ALL! IT WOULD BE TERRIBLE FOR MY RATINGS. I DO LOVE A FAIR GO!" he added. "BUT THE HUMAN MUST SUCCEED. THEY MUST REACH THE TOP OF THE CORE NO MATTER WHAT. SO, I'LL BE FAIR, AND GIVE YOU ONE LAST CHALLENGE."

_Oh, great. Challenges. That means puzzles. Oh joy._

"ONE I'M SURE YOU WON'T BE A STRANGER TO!" he cackled. Frisk rolled their eyes. _Is it a dating show, because honestly, I'm down with anything that doesn't involve fighting or risking my life._

They felt a very strange, sudden lifting sensation come over them. Then they realised it was most likely not them, but the hallway. Mettaton was lifting it, probably moving it somewhere else. To say Frisk was petrified of how high up it could be was, well, fair. It also somehow felt like karma.

The hall swayed left and right slightly, making Frisk instantly try gripping anything they could so they didn't suffer any of Alphys's listed CoDs. Speaking of Alphys, they noticed their connection had been severed. Probably Mettaton's fault too. Speaking of which, he was talking again.

"YOU MUST UNDERSTAND, DARLING, YOU DON'T REALLY STRIKE ME AS THE 'PUZZLE' TYPE," he said. "YOU PREFER BATTLES. WHICH I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY. PUZZLES… AREN'T VERY ACTION-PACKED."

 _Why are you still talking when I could potentially die before I'm even supposed to participate_ , Frisk mentally wailed.

"AND YOU'RE _SO_ MUCH MORE INTERESTING THAN THE HIRED HELP I HAVE. I HAD TO PROMISE THEM BIG BUCKS TO COME HERE," he explained, scoffing. "IMAGINE THAT. MONSTERS THAT DON'T EVEN SUBCONSCIOUSLY _DREAM_ OF STARDOM." He shook his head. "NO. THEY DON'T DESERVE THE SALARY THAT COMES WITH IT. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THE OUTCOME, THEY ARE NOT LEAVING WITH THE GOLD I WORKED TO EARN!"

Eventually, the swaying and floating stopped, and they began lowering. Frisk's heart still kept pounding, because now they were worrying about where exactly they were landing. Though they suspected they'd find out soon enough.

"WELL, THANK YOU FOR INDULGING ME," said Mettaton. "WE HAVE NOW ARRIVED!"

There was a jerk, and it stopped. Then, they moved forward a little, and then all movement ceased. A few tiny overhead hall lights flickered on, and Mettaton's voice filled the area, with a noticeable echo. "FOLLOW THE LIGHTS, DARLING. YOUR CHALLENGE AWAITS!"

_Suck a USB Killer, you Vista/Calculator abomination._

They stood up, checking inside their coat. Their gun wasn't in their hand, it was in the holster. They must've slipped it in there and not noticed because they had been too busy panicking. They were still gripping their phone in their right hand like some kind of miracle pill. After brushing themselves off and making sure they hadn't lost anything, they decided to follow the lights. Not because Mettaton told them to.

They followed the lights, spotting a huge wall of light at the end of the corridor. They picked up the pace a little, jogging all the way to the end, bursting through the white light. The room they were in now was tall, huge and round. There were many catwalks above them, going seemingly to nowhere. A thick cloud of mist hung low in the air, creating a haunting effect on the room with the help of the blue neon tubes shining out of the obscurity.

Mettaton's voice rang out once more. "AAAND WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEBEAUTIES, TO OUR FINAL CHALLENGE! THE HUMAN GOES FACE TO FACE WITH THREE OF OUR FINEST MERCENARIES, WITH A DASTARDLY TWIST SURE TO KEEP YOU ON THE EDGE OF YOUR SEATS!"

A short, horned beast with a large, unblinking eye and short, stubby arms and legs stepped out from the mist. Frisk felt unnerved just by making eye contact with it.

"ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE... ASTIGMATISM!"

Frisk snorted. Astigmatism? Like the eye disease?

A toad-like monster adorned in a crown hopped forward, sac bulging in and out as it croaked methodically.

"FINAL FROGGIT!"

Frisk narrowed their eyes as far as they could go. Froggit. That thing. It didn't look anything _like_ Froggit. In fact, this one clearly resembled a toad. Not a frog. Though, they supposed, that was the point. They didn't look anything like their former selves.

"AND LAST, BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST... WHIMSALOT!"

Tiny fairy-like wings split the thick cloud as a tiny, armoured monster floated forth. It held a small lance in one hand, and a shield in the other.

 _Must be Whimsun._ _How_ _serious is he gonna be about fighting?_

"AND NOW, THE RULES!" said Mettaton. "THE RULES ARE... WELL..." he laughed. "THE TRUTH IS THERE ARE NONE! EVERYONE FOR THEMSELVES! WHOEVER IS LEFT LAST WILL ENTER A GLORIOUS FINAL BATTLE WITH OUR HUMAN COMPETITOR AND THEN THE WINNER WILL BECOME CERTAIN." With one last cackle, he signed off. "TOODLES!"

Frisk sighed heavily. _Why._ Regardless of any wishes to just phase through the walls and away from this mess, they summoned their sword and shield, getting ready for a beatdown.

"It won't be easy," said Chara, "but if you follow my lead, you have a good chance of getting out of here unscathed."

"I'm clearly outnumbered," they replied.

"Technically. But think. Three enemies, and only one winner. What will happen when you introduce money?"

"Competition," said Frisk. "Alright, I think I got it."

Whimsalot charged at Final Froggit with such aggression Frisk was momentarily shell-shocked. He thrust his lance out, only to have Final Froggit hop sideways, spitting out fly-shaped bullets. Whimsalot blocked with his shield and went back on the offensive. That left…

Suddenly, Frisk was struck by a bullet from the side. They fell to the ground, unable to counter the fall in time. As they tried to get to their feet, a huge, unblinking eye appeared in the fog, an ethereal glow radiating off it. Eyeball bullets bounced towards them from all directions. Frisk swore loudly and summoned Barrier, breathing fast and uneven.

"Don't panic," said Chara. "Just stay calm."

Eye bullets pounded the Barrier relentlessly. "I'm about to die here and you're telling me to stay calm?"

They tried to keep their focus on the Barrier spell, while summoning a burst of fire and hurling it at Astigmatism's stupid face. He blinked once, fading away into the mist. Frisk made a noise of indignation, calling off the spell. They jumped to their feet and started staring around in the mist, trying to spot Astigmatism. No sign of the creepy eyesore anywhere.

"Just come out and fight me!" shouted Frisk.

Nothing, asides from Whimsalot and Final Froggit still beating each others' brains out (if these simple-minded creatures even _had_ brains). Then, they were hit in the back. This time, they were able to fall against the wall and stay upright. They spun around, firing off three consecutive fireballs. They hit the ball, bounced off, and dissipated. "Where—?"

Another attack that they narrowly dodged. "What the—?"

Another, this time barely hitting them. They felt their hair itching and their pulse racing. "Fight me!" they shouted. Astigmatism's response was to shoot a magical attack at them from somewhere in the mist. Frisk snapped. They screamed out loud in acute frustration. "Goddamn it!"

"Listen to me, Frisk," said Chara. "Getting angry is _not_ going to help you. If you want to beat him, then you're going to have to calm yourself."

"Do you think I want to play therapist right now?" they spat.

"I would never play your therapist, you ungrateful brat," they said coldly, eliciting an actual flinch from their partner. Want to win? Calm down. Your first instinct will be to panic. Ignore it and think strategically."

"I— Fine."

"Good. Eat something."

Frisk reached inside their coat, pulling out a Cinnamon Bunny. They ate half of it, swallowing it painfully. They stuffed the rest of it back in their pocket, then summoned their sword and shield once more.

"He hides in the fog. His vision is much better than yours. Stay against the wall. Then, you can see him coming."

"God, the irony."

They gripped their sword more tightly and kept their eyes flickering from left to right. Wouldn't be long now and Astigmatism would try and attack. They knew he would. He seemed to be the most aggressive of the three. So they had a feeling they'd made the right call when deciding to deal with him first. Not that there was any other choice; attempting to take out Final Froggit and Whimsalot would just mean them ganging up on them.

They spotted a glimpse of something shimmery bouncing in the fog. They hurled a fireball at it. They must have missed, because they didn't hear any tell-tale "I'm-a-going-to-kill-you" scream. But they were definitely close.

Chara huffed, shaking their head. "They're _still_ going at each other," they muttered. "Ridiculous."

Three halo-like ring projectiles flew towards them. They dodged quickly, beginning to question the situation. Astigmatism clearly had the upper hand. He could sneak up on them and beat them to a pulp easily, so what was holding him back?

Frisk groaned. _Not again. These aren't one of_ those _enemies, are they?_

"I don't think they're all that serious about killing you," said Chara. "Which makes this feel all rather anticlimactic."

"Explains why those two started fighting and then didn't come to join the beat-down when Astigmatism was kicking my ass," muttered Frisk. They dismissed their sword, and cracked their knuckles. "Well, on to Plan B. Talk my way into their hearts."

They stood tall (a bit of a joke, considering their short stature) and shouted, "Okay, I'm done. Time out." They weren't sure what they were expecting, but silence definitely wasn't it. They began to wander through the fog, calling out Astigmatism's name. "C'mon. I forfeit. I don't wanna fight." They hesitated. "Uhh… You win?"

Chara held their head in their hand, shaking it in a disbelieving way. "Is that honestly the best you could do."

Frisk irritably tossed their hair. "Well, it's a _little_ difficult when you can't _see_ them," they replied. "Hey, Cyclops! Are we gonna settle this like gentlemen or what?"

They caught a flash of an eye in the fog. They instantly went on guard, scanning the area for another flash. _What do I_ _say?_ they asked. _I don't have anything I can use against them._

"Oh, but you do," said Chara, smirking. "Don't you remember what Mettaton said about the mercenaries? That's your leverage."

_Ohhhh, I remember. I need to get close to him.  
_

Frisk noticed another flash and quickly sprinted towards it. "Hey, listen!" They called. "I know how you feel. I know why you're here."

They were slammed into the wall quite suddenly and violently. They didn't need to guess who. "Okay, hit a nerve there," they muttered. They spun around quickly. "You _can't_ trust Mettaton. I know he promised you money."

A chain of halo rings erupted from the mist, breaking off into a row of four. Frisk ducked underneath them, rushing towards nothing in particular. "He lied! He told me so! He thinks you don't deserve the money!"

Out of nowhere, Astigmatism lunged for them, pushing them against the wall. Frisk tilted their head to the side quickly as a light beam slammed into the wall next to them. "He's manipulating you!" they shouted. "You idiot, he's using you! Just like he's using _all_ of us!"

Astigmatism hesitated for a moment, which Frisk used to break free, stepping back. "Why are we even doing this?" they asked. "Do you even realise how stupid all of this is?"

Astigmatism looked like he badly wanted to attack, but just… didn't. He finally spoke, his voice nasally and a bit New York-ish. "Why should I believe the word of a human?" he asked distrustfully.

"I know, monsters and humans aren't exactly friendly," they admitted. "Think of it as the word of someone who knows he'll stab you in the back."

Astigmatism's eye narrowed further. Frisk felt as though they were about to break through.

"And yeah, sorry about the war, but get over it! I had nothing to do with that bullshit. Stop using me as surrogates for your edgy, depressed anger."

Astigmatism blinked slowly. He sighed. "Yeah, I guess this is kinda stupid," he admitted. "I had a feeling he wasn't the most trustworthy guy. I just needed the money."

"Yeah, I know the feeling," said Frisk. "Family?"

"Yeah," he said. "We can barely afford our house in the Capitol. If we don't pay soon, they'll force us out."

Frisk reached into their pockets and withdrew the gold they had with them. Most of it was still in their Dimensional Box. "Here," they said, handing him what roughly equated to 114G. "Better you than me."

Astigmatism appeared to be grinning for a moment. "Kid, thanks," he said. "No hard feelings, alright? Anything I can do for you?"

"Just one thing," said Frisk. "Help me talk to the other two."

Astigmatism blinked once more, face becoming a cocky grin. "Alright, kid. Let's talk some sense into these guys, you and me."

"COULD YOU BELIEVE IT, LADIES AND GENTLEBEAUTIES?" came Mettaton's voice over the loudspeaker. "ASTIGMATISM AND THE HUMAN HAVE FORMED AN ALLIANCE!"

Frisk gave the loudspeaker a deadpan look. "Sheesh, tell the world."

"Probably trying to turn the others against us," he suggested. The fog began dissipating, revealing that Whimsalot and Final Froggit had stopped squabbling and were participating in a very one-sided game of "Let's Give the Traitor Death Glares"

"(We may never have been a team, ribbit,)" said Final Froggit. "(But now we have all the more reason to destroy you, ribbit.)"

Whimsalot didn't weigh in on this, instead drawing his weapon. Frisk and Astigmatism shrugged. "Well, unfortunately, that's not gonna happen," said Frisk.

Whimsalot chose now to speak. "Why is that?"

Astigmatism answered this one. "Because they will spare you. Just like they spared me. You are being manipulated by Mettaton's promises of money, just as I was." He extended a hand. "Come, you do not have to play into his game. He has lied to you this whole time."

Frisk wondered what Mettaton was thinking right now.

The two remaining mercenaries shook their heads. "You have been blinded by the human's lies," said Whimsalot. Astigmatism sighed. "Well, we sure as hell aren't gonna fight you. I don't want to hurt either you."

"(Ribbit, that's a shame,)" said Final Froggit, a thick circle of fly-shaped projectiles appearing over their head. Whimsalot pointed their spear at the sky, a mothball appearing at the tip.

Astigmatism and Frisk jumped out of the way when Whimsalot fired the projectile towards them. Astigmatism sent a single halo towards the next projectile, causing it to explode. Final Froggit's fly circle spread out, flying in a spiral formation to the centre of the room. Frisk surrounded themselves in an inferno of flames, burning up all the flies. They caught a wing in their peripheral vision, looking up just in time to see Whimsalot charging down with their spear. They blocked the weapon with their shield. They dismissed the fire, calling out to Whimsalot. "Killing me won't get you anything, no matter ." Whimsalot didn't seem to be in a listening mood, and responded by firing a stream of mothballs. Astigmatism fired a beam of halos that destroyed the mothballs. Frisk nodded at him. He just shrugged his shoulders, grinning the entire time. Frisk quickly shot a fireball past him, knocking Final Froggit down. Astigmatism spun around, then gave Frisk a thumbs-up. Final Froggit wasn't weak; Frisk knew he'd get up again. They'd need to weaken them so they could convince them to stop.

They blocked Whimsalot's spear again. He sure was a persistent one. But Frisk was persistent-er. And if he thought he was persistent-est…

"Focus."

Whimsalot was trying to flank them from the side. Frisk snapped out of their dumb train of thought, and summoned a wall of fire that blocked his attack. Whimsalot flew over it, aiming for them again. Frisk dodged. "Please," they said, sounding a little less serious than they hoped. "Can we just forget this ever happened. I can also give you money, except I won't lie to you."

Whimsalot froze for a second, causing his attack to miss. He cursed. "Human, you give yourself too much credit," he said, steadying himself. "Your trickery may work on Astigmatism, but not on me."

A few moths appeared and swooped Frisk, one just skimming their arm. "So, uh, just curious," said Frisk, "Did you, uh, evolve from a Whimsun or something?"

"Whimsun is dead," Whimsalot said coldly. "I made my choice. I have no regrets."

"Wow, edgy," they replied. "Do you even hear yourself?"

"There's no turning back," said Whimsalot. "I am not afraid. Not this time."

"You can be this and also have a moral compass, dude," they said.

Whimsalot frowned through their mask, but didn't stop attacking. Despite this, they felt like they were getting closer. Whimsalot's attacks were already slowing a little, and they lacked some of the violence they originally had. Frisk felt their own confidence growing, magic boosting. Whimsalot shot a spiral of moths from his lance. Frisk threw their hand out, a green glow drawing all the projectiles into it; then, they flung it at the ceiling. Spent magic rained down upon the two. "Your shooting may be sharp," said Frisk, "but deep down, your heart is soft."

Chara narrowed an eye. "Was that supposed to be flirting."

 _Call it whatever you want_ , thought Frisk, shrugging. Whimsalot stared at them neutrally, as though they were pondering the meaning behind Frisk's words.

Meanwhile, Astigmatism was still locked in combat with Final Froggit. He dodged a stream of flies, then ducked underneath another, and then jumped to avoid the third. He surrounded the next stream with Halo Chain and crushed them into spent magical particles. "I don't wanna do this anymore," said Astigmatism, breathing heavier than usual. He wasn't used to fighting this seriously. "Why are we still here? Why are you still doing this?"

Final Froggit paused momentarily, a ring of flies mimicking his movement. "(I made my choice, and I cannot return a failure, ribbit,)" he croaked. "(It is not as easy as just walking away, ribbit.)"

"But the thing is, it is," said Astigmatism. "All I had to do was decide not to hurt someone. I could've walked away, but I want you two to be able to walk away with me."

Final Froggit nearly gave what sounded to be an impressed croak, but stopped himself. "(How will I support those I love?)" he asked. "(I only want the money. I do not care for the 'spotlight' he offered.)"

"He doesn't care about you," said Astigmatism. "Or anyone but himself. He appealed to our hearts by offering us money. He doesn't even think we deserve it. He's gonna stiff us."

Final Froggit shook his head. "(I have come too far.)"

"Though the journey may be pointless, you can find solace in the lessons you have learned," said Astigmatism, adopting a mystical tone. "The human, despite everything, chose to forgive me and even showed me kindness. Humans are just as individual as we are; to blame all is to allow not one to prove their worth."

Final Froggit stared, completely thunderstruck. He didn't even move, just stared. Astigmatism waited. Final Froggit looked at the floor, nodding. "(I see now... There is still much more this world has to offer me, ribbit. I cannot learn more with this on my conscious.)" He looked up, a purer determination in his eyes. "(Allow me to assist you.)"

"I'd be glad to," said Astigmatism. "Whimsalot still has a conscience. Let's help him find it again."

Frisk was also still fighting a one-sided battle against Whimsalot, who was still dead-set on attacking, while Frisk blocked, destroyed or dodged all of his bullets, spouting more manipulative garbage to try and get him to stop.

"Please?" asked Frisk, starting to become a little worn-out from these aimless shenanigans. "Can't we just settle this over drinks?" They noticed Astigmatism and Final Froggit approach off to their left. _Good, he's brought Froggit onto our side. Maybe that'll convince Whimsalot to back off._

Final Froggit and Astigmatism stood on either side of Frisk, staring back at Whimsalot. "(Ribbit. It is done. We do not have to fight the human anymore,)" said Final Froggit.

"Please, Whimsalot," added Astigmatism. "Hear his words and understand this is not necessary."

Whimsalot hesitated. "Why the change of heart?" he asked, a note of frustration in his voice.

"Because it is not right," he replied. "Killing some random kid isn't something we want part in."

Whimsalot appeared to be struggling internally. Out of the corner of his mouth, Astigmatism whispered, "Pray." to Frisk. Frisk wasn't sure what good that'd do, but they did. They got down on one knee, the other two copying their actions. They closed their eyes, murmuring the one generic prayer they'd made up when they were bored. It varied a bit from situation to situation, but the gist of it was usually the same. "Dear Insert God of Your Choosing Here, fuel the apathy that fuels my strength to move forward. Pacify those that fight against me and deliver me from the Kingdom that hungers for my soul, yada yada yada. Kingdom come, sausages well done, forever and ever and ever, et cetera, et cetera, amen. Peace out, bitches."

Chara scoffed, turning away, hair flipping pretentiously in the process. "I can't believe I had to listen to that sad excuse for a joke prayer," they said, crossing their arms.

The other two monsters finished praying, likely about more serious things, and then stood, while Frisk stayed on one knee. Whimsalot looked thunderstruck. Frisk was ready to bet fifty gold that this was his turning point…

"You are right," said Whimsalot firmly. "No more bloodshed. No more regrets. You," he said, looking at Frisk. "Don't give up!"

Frisk sighed thankfully. They barely restrained themselves from screaming "Thank God", electing to do so mentally. They bowed their head, acknowledging Whimsalot's mercy, choosing not to dwell on the fact they were throwing their mercy at him like they threw themselves at Chara.

The three ex-mercenaries grouped together as Frisk got to their feet. They all nodded in thanks. "Human. Thank you," said Whimsalot. Astigmatism stepped forward. "It may not be much, but you said Mettaton wasn't ever gonna pay us. If that's true, we respectfully quit. So, no hard feelings, alright?" he said.

Frisk wished they could say that while they were going to walk away from this regardless, they wanted them all to know that there were _plenty_ of hard feelings. But instead, they nodded and said, "Yeah, alright."

"Well, let's go back home," said the other two. Astigmatism nodded. "Agreed. But before we leave," he turned back to Frisk. "You are looking to escape the CORE and reach the Capitol?"

Frisk nodded. "That's kinda my main goal."

"Then you will know the elevator is out of service," he continued. "You have flipped two switches, the last of which we were _supposed_ to be guarding—" he grinned. "—before all this happened. So, let's make things easy." He pointed to the door on the right. "All the doors should soon open. The door on the right has the switch, the one off to the left has an exit for us. The middle door has the staircase that will lead you to a place you can call the elevator."

"Sheesh, man, you're a lifesaver, seriously," said Frisk. "Thanks. For everything."

Astigmatism shrugged. "Well, we _were_ united by a common enemy, after all..."

The four shared some group laughter, before His Royal Glamorousness came on loudspeaker. "W-W-WELL. THAT CERTAINLY WAS AN… INTERESTING. TURN OF EVENTS," he forced out, his metallic voice harsh and rusty. "CONGRATULATIONS TO THE HUMAN. THE DOORS ARE NOW OPEN." A small pipe in the ceiling released a tiny amount of confetti. "INCREDIBLE WORK. I KNEW YOU WOULD SUCCEED, AGAINST ALL ODDS— WHATEVER," he said decisively, before severing connection.

Astigmatism chuckled. " _He_ didn't sound too happy," he observed, quickly sobering up. "Though I suppose he's gonna take that out on you, huh."

Frisk sighed. "Well, it's what he does." _Correction: It's what_ all of you _did._

"(If there's anything else we can do to help, just say it,)" said Final Froggit.

Frisk shook their head. "Nah, it's fine. You guys have been involved enough. And anyways, there isn't really anything else that you could do. Thanks, though."

The three nodded synchronously. "Let's go home," said Astigmatism, the three each waving Frisk goodbye and then marching out the left door single-file. Frisk stood and watched as they left. Then, when they were sure they were gone, they slumped against the wall, head falling back.

"I suppose Mettaton will be your next opponent. You should try to conserve all your healing items and strength, because something tells me he isn't going to go easy on you after what you did," said Chara.

Frisk groaned. "Stupid bastard," they muttered, dragging themselves to their feet. "Well, shit. Here we go again." Despite all they'd gone through to get these switches flipped, they were absolutely dreading the moment they even reached out to the switch. _When I get out of here, I'm just going to retire to, uh… I dunno, a park bench or something. And watch the world turn without me._

"A lot of despair there," observed Chara. Frisk shrugged. "Well, what else can I say that hasn't already been said?" they muttered, footsteps signifying their conveniently slow approach to the switch.

Chara crossed their arms. "I suppose nothing. Get this over with."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm getting to it," said Frisk, increasing their pace. They practically smacked the switch into its "ON" position. There was no chime, no buzz, no machinery moving to signify they had even progressed at all. They just left the switch behind, heading through the doorway and up the spiral stairs. They reached an observatory-like area, glass surrounding them, one tubular elevator in the centre of the room. They sighed for the 410,757,864,530th time that day. _Well, here we are._

They were half-expecting something to jump them as they made their way to the elevator, but nothing happened. This only served to make them more suspicious. Was Mettaton going to fight them? Or did he have something else planned? Though they supposed they'd find out very soon, as they pressed the button for the top floor, elevator hissing as the doors shut, beginning its ascent. Usually, this was the time they'd attempt to start a meaningful dialogue about their journey and how much they'd grown since the beginning, or something plot-convenient. But they honestly didn't care anymore. All they'd done this whole time was care. And there had been plenty of moments where they hated it and wanted to quit. And Mettaton had finally flipped that switch. They were going to beat him, and beat him good.

_He wants to take it there, I'll gladly follow._

They expected Chara to comment, but it seemed they were all out of quips as well. The elevator hissed to a halt, doors sliding open. With a determined expression that contradicted their usual stoicism, they marched onward to the end of the corridor ahead. They followed the sharp right curve, seeing a doorway, red neon letters embraced in a pair of wings spelling out "CORE".

_Guess this is it…_

They took a deep breath and stepped through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boy oh boy, have I got some 'splainin to do.
> 
> I'm not gonna fuck around here. I'm just gonna be honest. Life has been pretty difficult, what with moving back whence we came, focusing more time on studies, and getting way deeper into art than writing, I just... fell out of love with writing UNDERSNORT. The only reason I'm even releasing this as a half-chapter is so that I've at least published SOMETHING else before the decade ends, though I'm not fully satisfied with it... at all.
> 
> It's funny. I promised to have Undersnort almost completed by the end of 2019. And now look at me.
> 
> Don't take this as a "I'm quitting UNDERSNORT". As much as it feels difficult to work on this, I refuse to let it die. But I'll level with you and tell you not to expect updates as frequently as you used to get them.
> 
> Before we dive into Chapter Trivia, I just wanna say thanks. For putting up with my bullshit and following this story as far as you have. I honestly, from the bottom of my heart appreciate it.
> 
> 1\. The "Vista/Calculator abomination" line was a reference to a comic in which Frisk says "YOUR MOTHER WAS A CALCULATOR AND YOUR FATHER RAN ON WINDOWS VISTA".
> 
> 2\. Persistent-er, persistent-est, a phrase only made possible by Papyrus.
> 
> 3\. Here we go again, another GTA:SA reference.
> 
> 4\. "They sighed for the 410,757,864,530th time that day." This is a reference to a shirt that holds the legendary tagline: "Born to die world is a fuck, Kill Em All 1989, I am trash man" and then the kicker: "410,757,864,530 dead cops".
> 
> Well, that's all for there. But there will be more to come, I promise you. Even if it takes me until the end of time.
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me, buddy.
> 
> 410,757,864,529 flipped switches out of 410,757,864,530,  
> \- offbrandbiscuit


	18. 17: Legs are Like Friends; the Longer You Have Them, the Softer You Get

Frisk stepped out onto a circular platform surrounded by darkness. Mettaton stood in the centre, back turned. The door shut behind them. _Here we go._

"WELL WELL WELL. THE HUMAN ARRIVES," he said, in a monotone. "TIME TO FINALLY STOP THE 'MALFUNCTIONING' ROBOT…

"NOT!" he said decisively, spinning around. "I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE FUNCTIONAL IN MY LIFE! WHO DID SHE THINK SHE WAS FOOLING, REALLY..."

Frisk rolled their eyes. "Enough of the vague talk, Mettaton. What's your deal?"

"OHO!" he laughed knowingly. "YOUR CONCERN IS APPRECIATED, BUT ALPHYS IS MUCH MORE DESERVING OF IT THAN ME!"

Frisk clenched their fists. "What did you do to her?" they demanded.

"PFFFFFFFFFT," he snorted. "YOU SHOULD BE ASKING WHAT SHE DID TO HERSELF!"

"Humour him."

"Alright, fine. What _did_ she do to herself?" they asked, making sure he saw their eyes doing a sick 360 in their head.

"WHAT _DIDN'T_ SHE DO?" he replied smugly. "ALL THIS TIME, YOU THOUGHT SHE WAS PROTECTING YOU FROM ME… BUT THAT IS WRONG! COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY WRONG!" he shook his head vigorously. "NO, YOU SEE, SHE _DID_ PROTECT YOU, OH, SHE MADE SURE OF THAT. BUT FROM THREATS THAT WERE MERE FIGMENTS OF HER IMAGINATION!"

Frisk groaned. "What the hell are you even saying?"

"WHAT I'M SAYING, HUMAN, IS THAT THIS WHOLE FIASCO WAS A SET-UP! A HOAX! A CON! ALL TO MAKE YOU THINK SHE WAS THE GREATEST PERSON… WHEN ACTUALLY, SHE'S NOT."

Frisk practically did a spit-take, recoiling. "Wha— so you're telling me this was all just a big friggin' _lie_? That there was absolutely _nothing_ to worry about?" they exclaimed.

Mettaton shifted uncomfortably. "...FOR THE MOST PART," he said. "UNTIL MUFFET AND HER CRONIES RUINED EVERYTHING. HOWEVER, DESPITE HER SHORTCOMINGS, I FOUND THAT SHE WAS OF MUCH USE TO ME."

" _You_ were Muffet's 'mystery caller'!" they shouted, outraged. "I know you were scum, but I never thought you'd sell me out like that."

"OH, GET OVER YOURSELF, DARLING!" said Mettaton, pish-toshing for added effect. "TO REACH THE TOP, YOU HAVE TO CLIMB THE SHOULDERS OF OTHERS."

"She was gonna kill and probably eat me!" countered Frisk.

"SO WHAT IF A FEW PEOPLE HAVE TO DIE?" asked Mettaton, so dismissively that it blew out 10% of Frisk's brain cells. "THAT'S SHOWBIZ, BABY!" Then, a little more somberly. "HOWEVER, IT PROVED TO BE SHORTSIGHTED. I KNOW NOW THAT I SHOULD NEVER HAVE TRUSTED THOSE WANNABES TO DO..." His voice got louder. "WHAT MY COUSIN CAN DO BETTER!"

Something strolled out of the darkness. A pink creature resembling a cat, dressed in a bright pink dress. Frisk wasn't even entirely sure it was a monster, the soft fabric on its face and metallic joints speaking for themselves.

"Oh, real nice," they scowled. "Can't fight your own battles, Mettaton?"

"Hahaha. Hahaha! HAHAHA!" the creature cackled. "Remember _me_?"

Frisk stared, unsure for a moment. Before it finally hit them. "That dummy..."

"Who are you calling dummy, dummy?" she asked, smirking. "I have now found the perfect vessel! And I've been trying to fuse with it. For three days. Got that?" she asked. "THREE. DAYS!"

Frisk rolled their eyes. "Maybe your failure means it _isn't_ the perfect vessel."

"BUT!" she shouted, "I know JUST what I need! Tension! Conflict! BLOODSHED! THE PERFECT EMOTIONAL COCKTAIL TO BECOME ONE WITH MY NEW FORM!"

"AND I COULD OFFER THEM JUST THAT!" said Mettaton. "THE TWO OF US, AGAINST ONE HUMAN…" he smirked once more. "AND ONCE I REVEAL MY TRUE FORM… IT WILL BE ALL TOO EASY TO DEFEAT YOU."

"C'mon then!" shouted Frisk. "If your 'true form' is so great, show me! Right now! Let's get down to business, the three of us!"

"SO SELFISH…" he snickered. "YOU'RE _THAT_ DESPERATE FOR A PREMIERE OF MY NEW BODY?"

"In your dreams, asshole," they spat, disgusted. "God, Alphys has shit taste in sex robots."

Mettaton stopped. His cousin became agitated. "Uh oh. Uh oh! UH OH! _NOBODY_ mentions that ti—"

"DON'T EVER. TALK ABOUT THE PROTOTYPE."

He reached a hand behind his back. His cousin looked like she was going to say "uh oh" again, but the room flashed white, completely blinding everyone.

"Ohhhhhh yessss," came a deep, metallic voice. Spotlights appeared, silhouetting a humanoid body in the smoke. "A premiere indeed…"

He pointed directly at Frisk. "If it's a premiere you'll want, it's a premiere you'll get! Drama! Action! Bloodshed! All here on the premiere of our exciting new show… 'ATTACK OF THE KILLER ROBOT'!"

_How many times is he gonna say "premiere"?_

The fog disappeared, the lights flashing once more. Before Frisk stood a robot with quite possibly the widest hips they had seen before. Purple irises stared back, framed in a silicone face. His black hair was slicked into some kind of 80s' boyband hairstyle. There was a small glass dome surrounding a heart symbol in his chest. His left hand (or lack thereof) was some kind of blaster, a set of crosshairs on top. A sword with a blade of purple light was sheathed on his right hip. He struck a pose Frisk could only reluctantly describe as 'flamboyant', grinning. "Break a leg, maybe both," he said, voice so saccharine it made Frisk gag.

A disco ball extended from the ceiling, flashing all kinds of colours over the space. Frisk noticed stadium seating similar to the type they'd seen on some of Mettaton's live shows. They were moving to form a colosseum-type arena.

His cousin pulled what looked like some kind of magic wand with a bell attached to it. It was bright, like a glowstick in the night. In her other hand, she held a small pistol-like weapon with two green tubes running into the back, a blue gauge on the top. Frisk was just going to go out on a limb and say it was a ray gun. Even though they had no proo—

She fired the weapon, a beam of light tearing through the air towards them. They sidestepped it just in time, staggering and nearly falling, caught by surprise. _Okay, news flash, I have proof. It's a ray gun._

"Let's dance, mew," she cackled, adding a sudden innocent meow and wink at the end of her sentence. Frisk just shook their head, trying to ignore any questions or confusion creeping up on them. _Just keep your head in the game and_ focus.

"Mettaton Type 2 makes his debut," said Chara. "Mad Mew Mew also came along."

Mettaton flicked a switch on the side of his blaster hand, the aperture around the barrel opening a little more. He fired a set of clear blocks with white edges into the air. They floated there, forming a large cube. Frisk just stared. _Am I_ supposed _to be scared for my life or…_

The cube began spinning, displacing a few blocks at a time. _Okay. I can deal with this._ Mew Mew began firing her ray gun, waving the magic wand enthusiastically. Frisk dodged the beams and cubes, becoming a little anxious when they realised more and more cubes were appearing in rapid succession. _Okay, this is a little more than I can handle. Okay, I'll just blow them all up._

They summoned a fireball and lobbed it at a cube. It _bounced off._ "Are you— no, that is _bullshit_!" they protested, continuing to dodge. "You do _not_ bounce off like—"

Their phone started ringing.

"Oh my God, are you fucking serious?" they nearly screamed, taking their phone out while they built up their Barrier spell around them. Slamming it against their ear, they asked, "Yes?"

"I-i-is this a bad time?" asked Alphys.

"Unless you can tell me how to DESTROY THESE FUCKING BOXES then YES, it IS is a bad time!" they shouted. "Level with me for once in your life, lady!"

When Alphys spoke again, it was like she'd been blown across the room by the full force of Frisk's words. "uhh… yeah.. sure…. s-sorry..."

The boxes were surrounding their shield, and were closing in on it. Tiny cracks were appearing in their shield. They squeaked. "ABOUT NOW WOULD BE GREAT."

This brought her back. "A-alright," she said. "I installed a feature on your phone. There's a number combination, and it enables a special ray that can break those boxes. Type 15111509. G-good luck," she added, breaking the strength that her voice held just a second ago. She hung up.

Frisk sighed. "Thank God. Alright..." They began typing in the code. They heard a 'ping' as the ray became active. And the shrill strain of their magic as the pressure cracked their Barrier open. "Shit."

The cubes all smashed right down on them, a cloud of dust erupting from the point of impact. Mad Mew Mew cackled. "You're TOAST!" she gloated. "I can feel it. The emotions, the energy…! It's—"

A red glow tinted the dust. Mettaton frowned. Mad Mew Mew looked on questioningly. Frisk's silhouette strode out of the cloud, a red tube shield surrounding them. They dispelled it, looked around for a second, blinking. "Aw, you— you REALLY thought you had me, d-didn't you? I—" A laugh forced its way out. "I just ruined the whole thing, didn't I? Ah… hahaha."

Mad Mew Mew scowled. Mettaton returned the smirk. "Oh, but the show only just started, darling. There's plenty more to come."

 _Like I don't really know that, dumbass_ _._ They tried a quick fireball, but Mettaton, in demonstration of his new body's capabilities, pirouetted out of the way extremely dramatically. A Jumbotron-esque screen turned on above them, reading "+50 Drama".

 _Great, now he's giving himself points_ _._ They rolled their eyes. _What a jackass._

They started shooting more fireballs, but Mettaton just kept dodging. Coupled with the fact Mad Mew Mew was still firing that ray gun at them, they were having a _really_ unpleasant time right now. They needed to somehow separate the two. But they had a feeling this was going to take a while. They just had to survive long enough to ask the right questions. And then continue surviving.

_Sure. What could possibly go wrong?_

Frisk summoned their scatter fireballs. Mettaton struck a pose that allowed one of the fireballs to just pass right between his spread legs.

"Mettaton strikes a mildly suggestive pose. Mad Mew Mew."

 _Really?_ they asked, while dodging a few blasts from Mew Mew's ray gun, firing off a few yellow blips at a small cluster of boxes Mettaton summoned. _"Mad Mew Mew"? That's all you've got?_

"Was she doing anything particularly noteworthy?"

Small replicas of Mettaton's earlier form burst out of the boxes Frisk had just destroyed, floating slowly towards the ground, aided by only a parasol. Their speaker faces crackled, firing a few sparks at them. Frisk dodged them swiftly, blocking some more of Mew Mew's blasts by summoning their sword, then dismissing it just as quickly as it had been summoned.

 _Does that thing_ ever _run out of bullets?_

"Drama! Action! Rrrromance!" exclaimed Mettaton, for no apparent reason.

"Hmph," mused Chara. "Doesn't appear to be any around."

Frisk was about to make a witty comeback, but then realised what Chara meant and frowned. _Jerk._

Mew Mew was still blasting away like 'tomorrow' wasn't a word. As Mew Mew aimed towards them again, Frisk summoned their sword and blocked the beams of light, causing them to bounce off, a few heading right for Mew Mew. She gave a high-pitched meowing sound and dove frantically out of the way. Frisk circled around the arena, trying to get close to her, but was quickly blocked by a stack of boxes. They scowled, destroying the boxes with the yellow magic emitter. By the time they were done, Mew Mew wasn't there anymore. In fact, one could say she was behind Frisk. They dodged nothing in particular, spinning around, their sword materialising in a fast blur of red. Mew Mew had already fired a shape cluster bullet from her wand at them, knocking them off their feet. They groaned, flipping themselves back onto their feet. _That didn't go as well as I'd hoped._

"Right, so, uh... what are you supposed to be?" they asked cautiously, holding their shield. They weren't about to get knocked down again.

Mew Mew laughed. "Haha. Haha! HAHA! I, uh, actually have no idea. I just thought this body looked cool."

"You know what else looks cool? The prospect of not fighting you," they replied, while she pelted the shield with light beams.

"Oh, but it's too late," she purred, giggling girlishly. "Only one way out! To win! BUT THAT'LL NEVER HAPPEN!" she cackled, shooting a set of blue and red spinning discs out of the tip of her wand. "So the only way out is for you to die!"

Frisk blocked them, and countered with a ricocheting burst of magic. It missed. Mettaton laughed.

"Well, I think that's enough warming up," said Mettaton. " _Now_ the main event! I'll go first, and then my cousin will have _her_ shot at defeating the human!"

Music began pumping out of huge wall-mounted speakers at roughly eleventy million decibels. A well-tuned electric guitar began laying down a lead, some very audible bass working alongside it, supported by some decently paced drums. Frisk ignored the music, turning their attention back to Mettaton, who was beginning his turn. He brought more parasol robots seemingly out of nowhere, sending them up into the air, raining sparks down on Frisk. Frisk dodged as best they could, but still felt the sharp sting of electricity as they moved. Then, the boxes. A row was moving towards them, but they quickly shut it down with a few precise shots from the emitter on their phone. They felt a pulse around them. They spun around. The only physical reaction they had time for was their eyes widening as they dived out of the path of Mettaton's Mega Man ripoff hand blaster. They stumbled on their feet, backing away to avoid the sudden tower of blocks that came speeding past them.

"Not bad!" said Mettaton. "You've got some real moves, darling. But just how well will they fare on the dance floor?"

"What is that even supposed to—" they were saying, before a disco ball flickered to life above them. The lights grew brighter. Frisk then noticed that the colours were very specific. Blue and orange. "Oh." _That's what it's supposed to mean._

Mettaton snapped his fingers, and lasers shot out of the lights, beginning to spin around the room. Frisk was able to just avoid most of them, but trying to come to a sharp stop when running and suddenly spotting a blue laser wasn't exactly the easiest thing they'd ever done. And the split-second sensation of an icy cold piranha plunging through their chest wasn't the easiest to forget, either.

Mettaton was dancing, as though trying to make a point. He twirled, pirouetted, moonwalked, it was like there wasn't a dance move in history he hadn't already performed. What point he was trying to make wasn't exactly obvious, other than that he was an extremely good dancer.

Frisk, despite all the action going on around them, still found the Jumbotron screen a bit interesting. It appeared to be showing a graph of ratings (presumably how many poor, unfortunate souls had tuned in to watch a sex robot and furry beat up a human on live television)

 _So, what'll happen if they drop?_ Frisk wondered. _God forbid they increase._

"Perhaps indulging Mettaton's desire for fame will quell his will to fight?"

They grimaced. _There is no way in hell I'm_ _helping that_ _fucker's_ _ratings go up._ They dodged more lasers, shooting a few boxes and dodging a cluster of sparks.

They summoned all the politeness they could possibly muster, and, in what turned out as quite the insincere tone, they asked, "So, uh... what's your personal best for ratings?"

"Oho, but only a _true_ fan would know..." he smirked, sending forth more parasol bots, that instead flew straight at them, surrounding and beating them with their metal parasols. Frisk swatted at them, but they were like insects. The more they attacked, the more they kept coming. They summoned their sword and swung it in a circle. They cleaved a few in half, spent magic exploding inside their metal shells. They took out a few more with some slash attacks while simultaneously destroying more boxes, and dodging _more_ sparks. It looked like Mew Mew was getting _really_ impatient. She really wanted to show off her 'true power' that badly.

 _I guess I gotta prove myself or something_ _. T_ _hen maybe I'll be able to_ _take her down._

They grabbed one of the stupid parasol robots and threw it to the ground, crushing it under their boot. They looked up at Mettaton, not saying a word. What was there to be said anyway?

Mettaton, looking dismissive, said, "My best viewer count was in the seven-thousands, but I'm sure we'll smash that total easily with this show, won't we, darling?"

"How many of those viewers were real people with lives and not computer programs you paid for?" they jabbed

Mettaton gave an indignant "tch". "Whatever, brat. I don't have to justify myself to you," he replied sanctimoniously.

"Alright. Alright! ALRIGHT!" shouted Mew Mew. "I've had enough of waiting! They're clearly bored, cuz! They wanna see my TRUE power!"

Mettaton looked as though he wanted to argue, but conceded. "Very well. My cousin!" he shouted to the spotlights above. He disappeared back into the fog surrounding the arena. Frisk faced Mew Mew, sighing. "Are you _really_ sure you wanna do this?" they asked. "Because I don't. I'd rather be at home with a nice cup of—"

A red and blue glow surrounded Mew Mew's hand. Frisk's body was completely engulfed in it. There was no pain, not even a sensation worth noting. _Okay... this is... odd._

Then, suddenly Frisk felt a tear. As though their conscious had been ripped away from their body. It was the most disorienting thing they'd ever felt. As though they were only floating within a hollow vessel of a body.

"What the—" the two humans said in unison.

"Haha. Haha! HAHA!" cackled Mew Mew. "My true power! See how well you fight with a split body, mew!"

_Split body?_

"I... I think I just took your arms," said Chara, awestruck.

"What?" asked Frisk, a little panicked.

"Uh, split mode, duh!" she said. "Control over your body's split between a sub-version of yourself."

"Uhh... and that works _how_?"

"Oh my God. Oh my God! OH MY GOD!" she screamed, as though it were blindingly obvious. "The sub-you has control of your top half and you have control over the bottom! There! Now can we get this show on the road, or do I have to coddle you like a _bitch_?"

Frisk would've recoiled, but they only had control below their waist. So they just... leaned back a little. "Uhhh... sure. I guess. Not really happy about it, but— AH! Jesus!" they gasped as a red and blue disc was thrown in their direction. They jumped out of the way, thanking non-existent God that they got to use their legs. But they didn't entirely trust anyone else to pilot their arms, head and so on. Not that they didn't trust Chara, but they just felt more comfortable knowing that they knew what they were planning on doing.

Speaking of Chara, they decided to make themselves known again. "If you want to live, you'll have to trust me. I need the most communication you can give me. Understand?"

"Yeah... God, I don't like this."

"Neither do I. But this is our only option..." said Chara, looking thoughtful for a moment. "As of now, at least."

"What is that supposed to— SHIT!" The red/blue discs were practically centimetres from their face. Jerkily, their body flung itself out of the way, with Frisk's legs stumbling pathetically as Chara tried to summon the sword. "Would you slow _down_?" they shouted. Chara turned the head towards Mew Mew, who was firing more discs and a few geometric projectiles from her wand. "Would you _dodge_?" they shot back.

Frisk clumsily manoeuvred their legs out of the way, but it was _really_ throwing them off with no physical input above the waist, asides from them still sharing the mouth and eyes, the latter being one of the more disorienting aspects of it. Going back to their previous comparison, it was like they were floating within their body, seeing everything from their own eyes, but frozen in place, only able to move their legs. Quite frankly, Frisk had no other words for it than "fucking creepy".

Still, looked like they were in for a long ride. _Guess I'd better get with it, and quickly._

Chara was becoming noticeably frustrated as they tried to summon multiple things, failing every time. They grit their teeth. "Damn." They chuckled a little. "Of course. This isn't me."

 _Alright, w_ _anna clue me in?_ _Please, I'm dying here._

"It doesn't matter," said Chara. "I'm sure we can do this without magic." They withdrew the revolver. "I need your 100% concentration."

"Heh, don't you mean... _50%_?" they asked, trying to lighten the mood.

Chara rolled their eyes. "Typical."

"I get it. Let's do it. I'm gonna move now."

Chara instantly steadied themselves for the movement. "Try not to stop. It could be helpful."

It really was a new kind of crazy, half of their body controlled by another, while Frisk dodged Mew Mew's furious attacks. They were frenzied and almost incoherent, a blur of rays and shapes. It wouldn't take a genius to figure out why. The spirit possessing the dummy had been a highly-strung, furious specter, and that personality had clearly carried over to her new form.

 _Maybe I can do something to overwhelm her? Even if it's making her angrier,_ they wondered. _It_ could _work._

But right now, they could only focus on talking to her and dodging her many attempts on their life. Mettaton was watching from afar, not appearing to interject at all.

_Huh, well at least he's so confident in himself that he let it be a fair 1v1._

They dodged yet another shape cluster, trying to conjure up some hard-hitting words for Mew Mew. "So, you wanna fuse with that body, right?" they asked.

"Well, of COURSE!" she answered crossly. "That's what I told you!"

"Are you sure _this_ is the way to do it?" they continued. "Drama, action, bloodshed, trying to kill me? Haven't you considered another way?"

" _Duh_ , of course I have!" replied Mew Mew. "Why do you think I agreed to this? I've tried PRACTICALLY EVERYTHING and I STILL. CAN'T. FUSE."

"Well, if we'd just stop fighting then maybe we could figure this out in a less murder-y fashion," they said. Still, something told them it wasn't going to work.

"Dude, this is CLEARLY the only way to do this!" she replied. "I'm ninety-five percent sure of it!"

"The other five percent says there's definitely another way," they argued. "Things are never so clear-cut."

She looked like she desperately wanted to say something argumentative, but couldn't. Frisk inwardly smirked. _C'mon. Admit it._

"OKAY, FINE. Maybe there's another way," she admitted. "But this is easily the BEST WAY to fuse!"

"Pretty sure murder isn't the best way, but I reckon I can still change your mind," they said.

All of this while she was attacking them. This was 100% not what they signed up for. They dodged another shape cluster, silently wishing they were a literal God that could just breeze right through here. They couldn't tell what Chara was thinking, but it was probably just "please stop this nonsense".

Mew Mew groaned. "UGH! Enough with the playing around, I'm being serious here! Can't you just sit still for five seconds?"

"Not down to get murdered, thanks," they replied. _Any ideas?_

_* Nothing relevant. Keep at it._

Mew Mew attacked harder and harder, and yet, despite the frenzied nature of the attacks, she didn't appear to be getting tired. This disturbed Frisk to some extent, and they could tell Chara was getting more and more frustrated. They just tried their best to stay in tune with Chara's movements, however clumsy and delayed they may have been.

Mettaton just stood off in the corner weirdly, watching the scene unfold. Frisk considered trying to drag the fight out to hopefully wear Mew Mew out or make Mettaton join in. However, they weren't entirely sure that would work. Nonetheless, they were beginning to see the more subtle nuances of his character. His gears were turning, and though they didn't know what he was planning, they knew it couldn't be anything beneficial to their safety.

"Stop _running_!" shouted Chara. Frisk was taken by surprise and stopped at the wrong moment. They lost their balance. Chara tried to steady them, but they went down, Frisk screaming profanities at the powers that be that had lead them to this point. Chara rolled them over, but it was too late. Frisk had, without want of a better word, royally fucked the both of them. They saw the glowing blade of Mew Mew's sword go right through their stomach. For the first time, Frisk heard Chara's scream. It sounded... hellish. Like millions of tortured souls all digging into their skull, resonating with the same chant. _You did this. This is your fault._

Frisk thankfully, had their eyes forced shut and didn't try to open them as the vomit-inducing sound of their internal organs squishing against the hot friction of the magic-coated blade reached their ears. The very _thought_ of what was happening would've made them throw up, had they been granted control of their top half.

Needless to say, it was made infinitely worse by Chara's tortured screaming. Disgust and self-hatred creeping up on them, Frisk now just wanted to die so they could go back and _stop the screaming._ They would've tried RESETTING but they had no idea if they even _could_ , with Chara still in control of half their body. Thus, they had no option other than to die.

Thankfully, this happened fairly quickly. Mew Mew was fucked, like all other monsters that had tried to kill them, but she wasn't a masochist. She finished the job fairly quickly, the familiar blackness covering their vision, all senses disappearing.

* * *

Frisk half-gasped, half-screamed as they sat up. They covered their mouth with their hands, the feeling of horror not letting up just yet. "W-what the fuck..." they whispered. Their vision blurred, body shaking. "Chara... I— I'm so sorry, I was a fucking idiot..."

Chara didn't even speak. Just stared at nothing blankly.

_Ooookay, I think I broke them._

"Relax, I won't break that easily," said Chara, a faint boasting note in their voice. "Though that was certainly painful."

Frisk sighed. "All I had to do was stay focused... and I couldn't even do that, huh...?" They muttered to themselves bitterly. They drew their knees up to their chest, hiding their face in between them. "Fuck."

"I suppose I should tell you. I _do_ have a plan. I just need you to work with me. Focus on nothing else." They stared at them, eyes piercing them like the sharp end of a knife. "I'm trusting a human of all people, so I need your word that you're going to do what I tell you to."

Frisk swallowed and nodded. "I will. I wanna beat Mettaton as badly as you do."

Chara smirked. "How would you know what I want?"

Frisk rolled their eyes. "Something tells me you don't wanna join his fan club."

They gave an amused 'hmph' in response as they headed back down the corridor towards the 'CORE' doorway. Defiance filling them, Frisk stepped through, aggressively stomping towards Mettaton.

"OH? YOU'RE APPROACHING—?" Mettaton was speaking, when Frisk cut him off by flinging a magic projectile at him. He dodged quickly, scowling at them. They returned with a smirk.

"FINE. FINE THEN," he chanted. "MY COUSIN!"

Frisk spied the silhouette of Mew Mew getting closer as a white light enveloped the room, disappearing suddenly, leaving just Mettaton and Mew Mew, standing side by side.

"Break a leg, maybe two," he said devilishly. Frisk could now only roll their eyes. They'd heard it all before.

"Mettaton Type 2: Electric Boogaloo, featuring Mad Mew Mew," opened Chara.

 _Huh, that was a nice one,_ thought Frisk, now busy constructing an excuse to jump straight to Mew Mew's turn.

"Hey, I don't wanna screw around here," explained Frisk. "So, just let your cousin show me her full power so we can settle that and then get to the main event, alright?"

Mettaton frowned. Frisk could tell he was definitely a bit thrown off by what they'd said. But quickly, his cocky grin reappeared. "Oh, but you have to prove yourself first, darling."

"I think your cousin's the best person to decide that, no offence. Really," they added, mock-serious. They could see his fists clenching, ready to fire back another argumentative sentence. But Mew Mew quickly shut it down.

"All right. All right! ALL RIGHT! Let's get this bloodbath STARTED!" she shouted excitably, whipping out her wand and firing off a burst of geometric shapes at them. They dodged, quickly sidestepping a blast from her ray gun, then spinning gracefully (if they had any left to fall from) out of the path of two red and blue discs. She fired multiple bursts from her ray gun, Frisk quickly countering by smashing them away with their shield. She swung the wand, an electric-like discharge left as the head collided with their shield. She raised it up above her head, then swung it down. Frisk swung their shield to meet it, wanting there to still be enough time to move. By now, Mettaton had dissipated into the background, muttering to himself, probably about how this was his show and how dare they take the spotlight from him, yada yada yada.

Mew Mew thrust the wand forward. Frisk blocked it with their shield, then grabbed the handle with a free hand. Mew Mew, outraged, reached for their hand furiously. They let go quickly, rushing at her side and nearly blowing her off her feet, using the Shield as a battering ram. She reached for her ray gun. Frisk fired off a cluster of low-energy magic bursts. She loosened her grip, and the gun flew up in the air, clattering on the ground somewhere in between the two. Without bothering to perform another movie cliche and stare Mew Mew down before making a grab for the gun, they just went with it and dashed. They kicked it hard, sending it over the edge of the colosseum, presumably into the depths of the Earth... or wherever the Underground went.

Her reaction wasn't pleased. She growled. Hissed. Shrieked. Spat a little as well. Then, heaving with unconcentrated rage, the head of her wand started glowing red and blue.

"Here it comes," warned Chara. "Be ready."

Frisk nodded. "Got it."

The glow surrounded their body. Frisk once again felt that creepy, odd but familiar sensation of their body splitting.

_* Make a run for her in three..._

Mew Mew grinned, showing her sharp, impossibly white canines. "Yeah... Yeah...! YEAH...!" she chanted, egging whatever hocus-pocus she was doing on.

_* Two..._

The sensation with settling, and Frisk could already feel their range of control slipping down, like they were sliding down, back against a wall. Mew Mew's hand moved towards the seemingly infinite disc spawner on her hip.

_* One._

The spell ceased, settling the two into each half of the body. Mew Mew grabbed the disc and drew her arm back, ready to throw it, hoping to catch them by surprise.

_* Dodge!_

Frisk threw themselves, still a bit clumsily, to the left, the disc barely missing them. Mew Mew cursed, but wasn't done trying yet. Which figured, considering that they had only just gotten started. She swung her wand at them, leaving a trail of eerie glowing flames in its path, which promptly set off after them. They tried their best not to focus too much on them.

 _So, what now?_ asked Frisk. _You think we'll be able to make her stop?_

_* I'm sure. In this case, I think we'll have to outlast her, until she runs out of puff. Then, we may be able to convince her to stop._

_You sure you don't just want to fight her?_ they asked.

_* Yes, that would be easier. But I sense it isn't really what you want._

_You know me too well._ Way _too well..._

_* Watch it, bullet on your right._

Frisk brought their attention back to the fight and moved to the left. Mew Mew did some kind of pirouette, spinning the wand as she went. Star-like projectiles were raining down left and right, all the while, Mew Mew was monologuing about her new vessel.

"With this new body, I'm FINALLY complete! This body just screams 'Me. Me! ME!' doesn't it?" she was saying.

"It really does suit you," Frisk replied, not missing an opportunity. "Especially when you're trying to kill me."

"I KNOW RIGHT?" she shouted, oblivious to the second half of Frisk's answer. "It's amazing, it's brilliant, it's _perfect_! And now... NOW! I can be the best training dummy Undyne could ever ask for!"

"If she wasn't currently wanted," muttered Frisk.

"At least... That's what I would say if I had any idea where she was, mew," said Mew Mew somewhat abashedly. Frisk always wondered how these monsters held conversations while fighting to the death. The war must've been a true prime-time special.

"WHAT'S WITH THAT LOOK?" asked Mew Mew angrily. Then, a look of realisation. "No, don't tell me. She's run off with a REPLACEMENT?"

"How did you figure _that_?" asked Frisk, perturbed, as they dodged a wild stream of discs.

"TRADE SECRET. But now I know _exactly_ what I'm gonna do to them," she said, scheming. "Wanna know what I'll do? I'LL RESPECT THEM!"

"How honourable," muttered Frisk, before giving a sharp keening sound as the tip of Mew Mew's sword _just_ missed their face. "Wow, that's just... Uh..." They were honestly lost for words. They didn't have a lot of time to be surprised and slightly terrified as Mew Mew started violently swinging her blade, blasting clusters into the sky that split into eight smaller shape clusters. "AND THEIR RELATIONSHIP!" she shouted. "NOTHING BUT THE BEST! HAPPY FOR THEM!"

Frisk quickly dodged a falling shape, sidestepping her wild swing. They nearly fell over when she thrust the blade forward, forcing them backwards. "Jesus!" they shouted. "What the hell's your deal? Just leave me out of this!"

"I _need_ to FUSE!" Mew Mew shouted back. "But it STILL. ISN'T. WORKING!" She cursed, firing another set of clusters from her wand, tossing a few discs into the mix as well. "Do I really have to use my Ultimate Power?" she wondered aloud.

Frisk rolled their eyes. _Oh great. It's one of_ those _again._ "Honestly, I could care less. Whatever makes you happy and not want to murder me is cool," they replied.

Mew Mew looked agitated. "ARE... YOU..." she paused. "Trying to _help_ me fuse?" she asked, cautiously.

Frisk quickly nodded. "Of course! I'm happy if you're happy. Just, uh... try to keep the violence to a minimum, 'kay?"

Mew Mew didn't seem to hear anything past "if you're happy", because she, with lack of a better term, went Super Saiyan. She raised her sword, which crackled with pink energy. "THEN DIE SO I CAN FUUUUUSE!" she howled.

_Fuck._

Frisk sidestepped her wild strike, backing up immediately after as she tried to swing it the other way. She smacked the head of the wand onto the ground, sending a red and blue shockwave through Frisk. They felt their control switch. Marginally quicker on the uptake this time, they tried to summon their shield to block another strike, but weren't quick enough. The sword slashed through their arm. They screamed, hitting the ground. They backed away, a scowl twisting their features as they tried to heal their wound at the same time. W _e're switched. I've got this._

Their legs moved of their own accord, bringing them to their feet. "Nice shot," said Frisk, with as much venom they could spare. Their snark was expensive, after all. "Think you can hit me again?"

Mew Mew gave them a cocky smirk. "Just TRY me, mew!" she taunted. Frisk summoned both sword and shield, staring her down, waiting for her to make her move. Unfortunately, it seemed more like she was waiting for them. They could tell Mettaton was now confused as shit, watching the two simply _stare_ at each other.

_* She'll hit you if you run at her. Try some kind of pincer tactic._

_English, Chara. Do you speak it._

_Left and right, curving towards your enemy._

They took the left side, Mew Mew firing a blast from her wand, but missing. They fired off a ricocheting projectile in Mew Mew's direction, and another scatter fireball to the right, as they continued their charge toward Mew Mew's right. They were determined to get this over with, so they decided they would take Chara's advice and try to limit their magic usage, until they could safely go all-out.

Mew Mew seemed aware of what they were doing, and brought her sword to meet theirs. Their blades locked, both resisting the temptation to give in as their tenacity overwhelmed their senses. Adrenaline flowing rapidly through Frisk's arterial highway, they finally managed to push Mew Mew off them. She stared, shocked for a moment, then swung it again. Frisk blocked with their shield, then swung right back. The blades clashed again and again, each blow taking a physical toll on both. Mew Mew raised her wand. Frisk in turn raised their shield at the last second. The core of the cluster exploded upon impact, but most of the shapes were blown backwards, towards Mew Mew. She raised an arm to shield herself from the recoil, and then her sword as she spotted Frisk getting closer. It was fruitless, as they slashed down with as much force as their determined soul could possibly muster. Sparks flew, and a small explosion of spent magic coating ensued. When the smoke cleared, Frisk found they'd completely snapped her blade, leaving her with about a quarter. The magic coating it was also no more. Unfortunately for her, her wand was also useless, the head having lost its power in the explosion.

Both panted heavily. "Just stop," said Frisk through gasps of air. "I don't want this."

"Ha... Ha...! HA! I know you do," she answered. "And you're doing an absolutely tubular job!"

Frisk let a snort escape them. "Are you honestly trying to kill me with 90s' slang?" they asked.

Mew Mew stood. "Amazing job! Gnarly! Mondo! Sick! Meowsers! IS THAT WANT YOU WANT ME TO SAY?" she screamed in their face, slamming the snapped sword and wasted wand on the ground in fury.

Frisk stared back at her, stunned into silence. But it wouldn't last. Their face became twisted with an expression of pure hatred. "I don't want you to say _anything_!" they shouted back. "I don't even want your mercy. You guys suck, all of you. Especially you," they added, cocking their head in Mettaton's direction. "Fuck you and all you stand for, boltlicker." Mettaton gave an overdramatic gasp in response to this.

"Mettaton dials the number for the FCC."

Frisk turned away and shuffled over to the corner, arms crossed, emotions overflowing like a 1st-grader's cliche volcano project. They didn't care anymore. They didn't even care if Mettaton tried to attack them. They were tired of the whole mess. They just wanted to take a sledgehammer to reality itself.

After maybe a minute of this, they heard Mew Mew's voice. "Uhh... hey," she said tentatively. "Are you... okay?"

Frisk laughed. It tasted like acid in their throat. "No. I'm pretty far from fucking 'okay', thanks for asking," they replied.

"You're mad," she observed. Frisk kept their head down, a hateful smirk plastered over their features. "How observant of you."

"I know that feeling," she said.

Frisk didn't answer.

"Maybe you were right," she admitted. "Maybe violence just isn't the way to fuse. But if that isn't, then what is...?"

"What do you even want?" they asked bitterly. "Just fuck off."

"I want you to tell me what I'm doing wrong," she said. "How can I—"

"Let me give you a few ideas," said Frisk. " _One,_ trying to kill me. Twice, might I add." It took all they had not to say _And succeeding once._ " _Two,_ being that much of a dumbass to believe that _killing_ is even the way to fuse, and finally _three_ , I don't even know what three is, but I'm sure I can think of plenty more!"

Mew Mew sighed, obviously knowing there was nothing she could really say.

"Now get outta here."

Mew Mew hung her head, sighing heavily. "This... this was all just..." She shook her head, turning and leaving.

Mettaton hadn't said a word yet. Good.

Unfortunately, it was not to last. Mettaton emerged from the sidelines, looking indignant. "What a twist of events! We'll be right back after these messages."

Then, when he was done with that: "Well, great job, brat. You ruined a perfectly good fight with your storming off like a child."

Chara looked at him out of the corner of their eye. "Tch. Who does he think he is?" they asked.

Frisk chose to ignore the fact that Chara was also unimpressed with their tantrum. To an extent, even they were.

"Though, I suppose it's not all bad," he said thoughtfully. "It'll mould your image nicely."

"This is all just a game to you, isn't it," Frisk replied.

He scoffed. "Showbiz, that's what it is to me," he answered. "Get used to it, darling."

"Get used to this," they replied, but it wasn't Frisk speaking. It was Chara. "Life isn't a game. Life has consequences."

Frisk was bewildered. "Chara, what the— what are you _doing_?" they asked.

Chara didn't answer, taking a step towards Mettaton. Then another. And then another. Mettaton just looked on cockily, hand on hip, head cocked to the side, as though he didn't even care. "Good, good. That'll make you look fabulous for the cameras."

More music began pumping. This time, it was a bass-y piano supported by... a bass. A slap bass specifically. Some electric guitar began creeping in, some background noises adding immersion. Chara appeared to be ignoring it, and were now approaching Mettaton once more, a scowl on their features, their irises turned red through possession.

"Welcome back, ladies and gentlebeauties!" greeted Mettaton. "Our climactic final battle is upon us all! Will the human prevail against the killer robot? I don't think so!"

"Chara, c'mon, whatever _this_ is, isn't necessary," said Frisk hastily, abandoning their usual Mettaton comments. "I'll take care of it, don't worry."

Then, Chara's thoughts slipping into their mind: _This is none of your concern._

Their single-sentence answer was unnerving, but Frisk assumed Chara knew what they were doing. "Alright, I guess. Try not to have _too_ much fun."

They were sure they saw Chara smirk at this. Mettaton was already beginning his assault, summoning a herd of parasol robots out of nowhere. Sparks came flying out of their 'speakers'. In an instant, they had smashed into a red shield, that, similarly, had appeared out of nowhere. It was shaped more like an actual shield, this one, unlike Frisk's. Frisk was, truthfully, a little surprised that Chara was even able to do that. They'd expected their magic to be a bit rusty, but it seemed like they knew exactly what they were doing.

The aperture of Mettaton's laser hand tightened a little, and he released a pink-glowing laser beam. Chara dodged it, smashing parasol bots with their shield as they went along. Mettaton fired again and again, trying to cut them off, but Chara seemed to have all his movements figured out before he even planned them. Frisk was in awe. How were they so good? How could they tell what movement to make and when? They supposed it was the times they'd sparred with Asgore when they were alive. After all, no question Asgore would be a tougher opponent than Mettaton.

Chara blocked his laser with the shield, sending a spiral of fire in Mettaton's direction. Frisk watched with admiration as Mettaton _just_ managed to dodge, but was instantly bogged down with vines ensnaring his legs. A burst of flames promptly lit up the entire arena. "Whoa..."

Unfortunately, Mettaton had managed to dodge in the nick of time. They weren't sure how, but Chara didn't seem all too concerned. Mettaton huffed a little. "Your idea of drama seems to be far removed from mine, darling," he said, regaining his cocky air. "Perhaps you need a demonstration."

They smirked. " _Really_..." they said. Mettaton snapped his fingers and summoned a new disco ball. This one floated from side to side, firing beams of blue, orange and white light as it spun erratically, like the dice in a Yahtzee shaker. Chara slipped in between crisscrossing white and blue lasers, leaping through the orange ones while firing a volley of bouncing fireballs towards Mettaton. It didn't seem to matter to them that he dodged every single one, or that he seemed to have the upper hand at the moment. Frisk wasn't sure what was going on in their head, but they _were_ sure of two things. One: Chara definitely had some kind of plan, and they were probably in control. Two: Mettaton was really showing off his dance moves now. He was contorting his body in ways they didn't think even physically possible just to dodge minor threats. Then again, it was all just a big game to him. Or TV show. Or showbiz or whatever the hell he called it. So, maybe they _would_ play his game. Maybe they _would_ try to upstage him just for the benefit of increasing his ratings and seeing what came of it.

So, they decided to shoot Chara a message. "Hey, Chara," they said. "Kinda busy right now I can tell, but I think you should try to increase his ratings. Maybe it'll help us beat him."

Then, their telepathic voice hitting their mental 'ear'; sarcastic and maybe even snarkier than they could ever hope to be: _I thought you didn't want to?_

"Well, we kinda have zero choice anymore," they conceded. "Just keep doing what you're doing, but maybe, uhh..." they scratched their chin in thought. "Do some really cliche movie things?"

A scoff, as Chara steps backward to avoid a box that's spinning haphazardly about the arena. Yo _u really are a source of wisdom, aren't you_ _._

"Braindead audiences like his go crazy for that stuff," defended Frisk. "Just say something cool like, 'You couldn't hit me if you tried' or flip your hair or some shit." They thought about the few notable tropes they'd seen in TV. "Also try a pose. Edgy, badass, whatever. Maybe even suggesti—"

 _* Is this for_ his _viewers, or mine?_ remarked Chara amusedly, not surprised by Frisk's flirting.

"Touche. But I reckon they'll work. Just try it," they insisted. "What do we have to lose anyway?"

Chara summoned a fire tornado and spun it around the box, wearing down its defensive coating so they could focus on Mettaton's other attacks, dodging and firing the phone's ray at the same time. Not counting the conversation they were currently holding with Frisk. They really had to admire them.

Mettaton fired another laser in Chara's direction. They spun out of its path, flipping their hair up. Frisk snorted, finally realising how stupid they must look every time they did this kind of thing. They could practically _hear_ the scowl in Chara's voice. _T_ _his is your fault._

"Oh yeah, I know," said Frisk casually. "I accept full responsibility for this great idea." They glanced over at the ratings chart. Mettaton's ratings (which had been sitting at about 2,000 when this all started), had risen a little. Only by about a hundred. Which meant they were going to have to up their game a bit, or pull something drastic.

"Oookay, so that didn't exactly do all that much," they admitted.

 _* How does striking poses and spouting cliche nonsense telepathically make more people want to watch his program?_ they asked. _I mean,_ yes, _it is being live-streamed, but he's the number one celebrity in the Underground, how are his ratings not higher for such an over-hyped program?_

"You're over-analysing it, Chara," Frisk relied.

_* Well, if you don't have a better idea on how to increase that number, you're going to hear a lot more than just an analysis._

"That sounds hot," said Frisk shamelessly. "Uh... maybe just try antagonising him, make him lose his cool. Then maybe the word'll spread?" It was a pathetic suggestion, Frisk had to admit, but it was the only one they had.

Chara gave the most visible eye-roll they could muster. _T_ _his is going to be a_ long _day._

They dodged Mettaton's laser, sending a stream of fireballs his way. He, of course, dodged, and summoned more parasol bots. Chara swat them away with the Shield and simultaneously scorched them with blasts of fire.

Mettaton gave a dramatic gasp. "How positively scorching! Your fiery passion is commendable, darling. I could almost _see_ your heart in it..." And then the vomit-inducing seductive smirk. "How about I show you mine?"

The glass dome opened up. The heart slowly floated out, then enlarged to roughly the size of a human heart. It pulsed slowly, a white shimmer to it. Chara eyed it with interest.

 _* Interesting. Mettaton Type 2, 65 ATK 50 DEF. Opened his heart so you could fill it with bullets. How polite of him,_ they quipped, getting an audible snort from Frisk.

"Heh. Good to see you haven't lost your charm," said Frisk.

The heart jolted mid-air, releasing a shockwave of sparks. Chara stepped back, blocking it with their shield. The heart released more sparks, now in a more erratic rhythm. Chara dodged them, the storm of energy flying right by their ear as they withdrew the revolver and fired directly at Mettaton's heart. It missed badly, only skimming the edge, but he still flinched. Albeit with a smirk and a creepy "Yeah..."

 _* Damn. I thought I had him,_ they muttered, before going back to attacking. They hurled fireballs at it, a few actually hitting, resulting in more pained "Yeah"s, as they danced in a symphony of sparks and lasers. They fired one last time at him, this time hitting it perfectly, though they paid the price for it, getting hit from the side by an orange laser. They clenched their teeth, refusing to give him any satisfaction. Mettaton's joints were sparking a bit as he drew the heart back into the glass dome, attributable to the fact it had just been shot with a physical bullet. He wasn't fazed by this, though.

"Nice try darling," he said, hand on hip. "I may not be unbreakable in this form, but I'm far from a rustbucket. Now—" he clapped, the ground beneath them transforming into a dance floor. "—let's see how long you last on the dance floor!"

 _* Smug bastard,_ muttered Chara. _Let's see how well you dance with only half a body._

The floor lit up, and Frisk quickly realised what he was doing. "It's not a dance floor, it's that coloured tile maze from before!" they shouted. "Goddamn it, what a cheap move..."

Chara frowned. _Bother. I don't remember the rules._

"Neither do I," said Frisk.

Mettaton just stared at them. "Well, what are you waiting for?" he asked rudely. "Get moving!"

"What are the rules?" asked Chara.

Mettaton huffed, but the air of superiority was obvious. " _Must_ I explain myself? Really?" he asked. With one last laugh, he explained, all very quickly: "Pink tiles can be walked on safely, green tiles have no effect here, red tiles are solid, yellow tiles zap you, orange tiles change your flavour to 'orange', whatever that means, purple tiles make you slide, and change your flavour to 'lemon mixed with milk'? And finally, blue tiles will shock you if they are near a yellow tile or if your flavour is 'orange'. Otherwise you're fine." Hands on hips, a smile straight from his ego, he asked, " _Now_ may we begin?"

"Oh yes, certainly," said Chara, flashing an equally cocky grin right back. The tiles' colours alternated for a few more seconds, before freezing, and a timer going off. Mettaton gave a sadistic laugh. "Better run, darling, you wouldn't want that timer to run out now, would you?"

Chara seemed to consider jumping over tiles for a moment, but then decided against it, for whatever reason. They moved to the pink tile on the left, and were sliding towards a red tile when they noticed Mettaton's laser priming out of the corner of their eye. They dropped to one knee, ducking their head out of the laser's path. They turned to look at him with such an awful expression it made even Frisk shiver. _Good thing_ I'm _not on the receiving end of it..._

Chara stood, then made a quick dash for the blue tile ahead, dodging spark clusters thrown by the parasol bots hovering mid-air. Chara wasn't doing so badly, despite having their flavour changed to 'orange' and attempting to pass over a blue tile, resulting in a hearty zap. Despite this, and a couple of other minor setbacks, they appeared to be about to make it through. Then, all the tiles around them suddenly changed to red.

To summarise the live reaction that Frisk witnessed upon occurrence of this phenomena, there are one thousand split-seconds in a single second. Through this one second, Chara's face went from confused, to shocked, to anger, to absolute outrage.

" **What,** " they said, anger covering any questioning intonation their voice may have initially had. "What are you doing?"

"Get real, darling," he said, looking disappointed once again. "Did you honestly think I'd even give you the slightest chance of winning? Like I've said, _this_ is showbiz."

Chara looked like they were about to explode, and Frisk didn't mean that figuratively. Literally, they looked like they were about to make every bomb in existence look like a joke. They reached into the trench coat pocket and withdrew the device Sans had given Frisk back in Blowdin. They pressed the red centre button. The tiles flickered momentarily, then lost all colour, reverting to black. Mettaton, momentarily stunned, was a complete sitting duck when Chara practically flash-stepped in front of him, driving a blur of red right across his metallic chest. Frisk gasped, shocked at the sheer speed of it all.

Mettaton was still frozen in place a second or two after the blow. Frisk was able to see now the glowing red trident, a golden flower head sculpted at the end of the handle, its triple prongs sharper than even Lucifer's silverware. Chara gripped the weapon so tight their knuckles had gone completely opaque white.

 _* Frisk,_ they said calmly. _If you do not have any ideas to end this fight, I will_ bury _this insufferable prick six feet under._

"I... I mean, not that I'd say no to that, but..." They took a deep breath. "Ugh, I dunno. Just... just hold him off, okay? I think I know how we can win this."

_* You think?_

"Just give it a chance, please," said Frisk flatly.

_* Fine._

Mettaton blinked, seemingly out of his trance. "Well. I see you've no respect or appreciation for theatrics," he said huffily, tossing his slicked boy-band hair. "That's fine. You just need to stay still..." with an anime-esque flash of his eye, he delivered his killer end: "WHILE I MURDER YOU!"

He fired a huge, sudden blast of his laser, with Chara taken by surprise. They managed to block at the last second, but there wasn't enough resistance in it, and it blew them off their feet. They managed to recover okay, and were back at it again, fueled by their mutual hatred of the glamorous ex-sex-bot. They pointed the trident directly at him, a twister of fire bursting from the middle prong. Mettaton dodged, unsheathing his own sword.

"Oh yeah, this dumb thing again," said Frisk, rolling their eyes. "Remember how I cut Mew Mew's in half? I reckon you could do the same."

 _* It's coated in a kind of magic,_ observed Chara. _I figure I can chip away at that protection gradually, and then take him by surprise and beat him down._ _We mustn't neglect that heart though._

Mettaton swung his sword quite impressively, though Chara didn't seem to think so. They stepped back quickly, flashing him a bored look. They blocked him with the trident, blade sparking against the blood-red handle. He raised his hand, trying to summon more parasol robots.

" _Platelet Steeper!_ " they shouted, sending a double-helix spiral of red pellets at his arm. He grunted, stumbling back. Chara rushed at him, trident raised. He rolled out of the way, spinning around at the exact moment Chara did, the tips of their weapons grazing each other. Mettaton tried again to summon more bots, but Chara refused. They sliced the trident across his arm, not severing it but putting his back against the floor. They raised it once more, plunging it down into his chest. A pink energy pulse radiated outward, blowing them off their feet and tossing them across the room. They rolled a few times, but quickly picked themselves up. They brushed Frisk's messy hair out of their face, fingers slicked with fresh blood. They grit their teeth, anger starting to boil. They screamed, " _Helios Mayhem!_ ", slamming the trident to the floor. The battlefield was bathed in a red-hot glow; great pillars of fire erupting from the ground, spitting fireballs in a spiral, some of said fireballs even exploding into smaller fireballs. Mettaton, for a fleeting second, had a look like he realised he fucked up, before he covered it with his cocky smirk. "Yes, show us your power, darling."

"You're going to _burn_ ," they swore, pointing the trident directly at him, casting _Inferno Twister_. He just dodged. Frisk was becoming a little worried that they were taking this a _tad_ too personally, might be over-exerting themselves. They trusted Chara, but they had never seen them in a rage like this before. Though, knowing them, they figured they hadn't even seen the half of it.

_* Don't worry about me. I have this under control._

"I know you do," they said. "Just give him a good ass-kicking. Draw that heart out somehow, and just rain hell on it."

 _* Easier said than done,_ they replied, dodging more of Mettaton's parasol robots, while the robot in question brandished his sword like some clueless cosplayer, still chanting "Drama, romance, bloodshed" like it was some kind of magic spell.

"Maybe if you can... distract him? You could land a pretty good lick on him," they suggested. "He looks like he's losin' it the longer he goes on."

_* I'll do my best._

They whirled the trident in a blur of red, summoning a group of fireballs, all coming towards them. The trident repelled the fire, scattering it in all directions. Mettaton barely dodged one, charging at them immediately after. "You might think you're industrious, you may think you're clever, but I'll win this fight, whether you like it or not!" he shouted, plunging his sword down. Chara's expression didn't change at all. Just that same blunt determination in those twin irises of red. They blocked him, driving the handle in between his legs. He gave a not-so-glamorous auto-tuned scream. Using the trident as a lever, they pushed it forward, slamming his back to the ground. "You're not as impressive as you think."

"Do you really think a star like me can be canceled that easily?" he scoffed. "Go ahead and attack me, I'll just dodge. And I'll keep dodging until you slip up and hand me victory, on the shiny silver p—"

Chara turned the trident on him and sent triple bursts of fire his way, lighting up the entire colosseum. They knew what to expect when they turned around, and drove the trident hard into him. Mettaton yelled, more so in frustration than pain. "Give up," they hissed.

"Go off, darling," he retorted, aiming his cannon hand at them. " _Sparkling Quasar!_ "

" _Inferno Twister!_ "

A bright pink light was charging in the barrel of his cannon, so bright it was practically blinding them. Still, they ran towards him, determined to end this once and for all. Mettaton grit his teeth, almost as though he wasn't expecting them to do something so suicidal. He really didn't know them at all.

Aiming directly at their chest, he released. The laser of pink energy ripped through the air at the same moment Chara hurled their trident, middle prong ablaze, directly into the barrel. The kickback from the laser had made it impossible for Mettaton to grab it. The funnel of fire blew right through the cannon as Chara hit the ground, laser passing right over their head. The subsequent explosion, however, threw both parties to opposite ends of the room. Mettaton slammed against the wall back-first, Chara taking a huge hit to the side. They wheezed, coughing blood, though it could have been from the re-opened head wound. They felt like they'd broken a rib or two. But that was nothing they couldn't handle. They wiped their mouth on the back of their sleeve, dragging themselves to their feet.

"You lose," they shouted through the smoke, panting heavily.

Through the smoke came an all-too-familiar arm. It wrapped around their neck, slamming their head against the wall. Chara groaned, stars dancing around their head, limbs flailing and grasping for Mettaton, trying to prise his fingers off their neck.

"You..." he panted. "You really are a little shit, aren't you? Think you can take my arm? Think it fucking matters?" he yelled, grip strength increasing. Chara's eyes were bulging out of their sockets, grabbing for his face now, but he was too far back for Frisk's pathetic midget form to grasp.

Speaking of Frisk. They were currently screaming any obscenity they could think of that described their enemy. "Fucking psychopath!" they raged. "Let them go, you fucking coward!"

"I don't need arms, I don't need anyone."

Chara blindly reached for the gun, their thoughts racing, brain rapidly losing oxygen. _I'm actually dying,_ they thought, almost with exhilaration. _This is what dying feels like. The pain isn't even that bad._

But this wasn't their body to let die. It didn't belong to them. They needed to see it through to the broken, beaten and scarred end.

"Who needs arms..."

They cocked the gun, dark circles spinning before their very eyes, latex-gloved hands still choking the very life out of their being. They shakily raised it, barrel pointed directly at the dome housing the pink heart.

"With LEGS LIKE THESE?"

They pulled the trigger. Everything seemed to happen in slow-motion, though they figured it was because of how oxygen-deprived their brain was. The glass shattered into a million tiny shards, the heart sparking and spasming as the bullet ripped through it, splattering a pink goop throughout Mettaton's internals. He stared, so shocked he'd been shot, grip not loosening in the slightest, but not tightening either. In their own state of shock, Chara fired again, then again, then again, emptying the whole chamber into his chest. They couldn't tell which bullet had been the killshot, but he crashed to the floor, bringing them with him. His fingers loosened slightly, but because of this, they were able to pry them off. They hacked and coughed, gasping in the Underground air, the incredible feeling of _life_ rushing through them, like God's word. They rolled over, throwing up whatever Frisk had eaten earlier. They slumped against the wall, breathing slower now.

Finally, after a minute of silence, Frisk said, "Holy shit."

Chara nodded. "Indeed. Take control of yourself now, Frisk. And most importantly, take care."

They nodded. "You did great out there, Chara." They slipped back into their body without another word to them. They could tell they needed to be alone right now.

All of a sudden, the doors to the room opened, and Alphys came stumbling in, nearly tripping over herself. "O-oh my God! Are you okay?" she asked, rushing over to them, helping them to their feet. "I-I can't believe what just happened in there..." Before Frisk had a chance to respond, she looked over at Mettaton's wrecked corpse. She gasped. "Oh no! Mettaton!"

She ran to his side, fretting over his melted circuits and all the pink goop inside him. She scooped out most of it. Frisk groaned. "Are you fucking serious, Alphys?" they asked. "That fucker tried to kill me and you're trying to save his life?"

"He's my only friend!" she retorted, tears forming in her eyes.

Frisk scoffed. "Yeah, your friend without benefits. Because he's dead," they jabbed. It was worth it to see the look of terror on her face at the word 'dead'.

"N-no! He can't be dead! I _know_ there's a spark of life in there somewhere..." She kept searching around in his shell. Frisk looked at her with disgust.

"That fucker should be rotting in an e-waste collection depot, not—"

She screamed in relief. "OH MY GOD THANK GOD," she said in one breath. "His power light's still on! He's alive..."

"Okay, y'know what, fuck this. Goodbye, Alphys," they said, walking away. They exited the colosseum, following the hallway. A right turn later, they could see the elevator at the end, left wall flanked by bright blue tubes and air ducts.

_Finally. My ticket to the capitol._

"H-hey! Wait up!" came Alphys's voice.

"Ugh, what is it now?" they asked, turning around. "Are you done feeling my attempted killer up?"

Alphys went red, but ignored them. "I-I'm sorry that happened. It's my fault. I..." she rubbed her arm sorrowfully. "I didn't protect you at all."

" _None_ of this is your fault," said Frisk. "It's his. Besides, I made it, didn't I? Which means you succeeded."

She looked surprised. "S-so you're _not_ mad about me making up all that stuff?" she asked tentatively.

Frisk rolled their eyes. "Actually, no. I'm super pissed. But lucky for you, I don't have the energy to rip into you for it."

They turned back and continued walking to the elevator. Alphys followed, still talking their ear off. "S-so, I guess this is it. Your journey's over! You can finally go home!"

They looked over their shoulder. "Yeah, it's not gonna be that easy, unfortunately." Alphys gave a questioning look in response. "I need a monster soul to cross the barrier. I'll have to kill Asgore."

Alphys froze. "H...how...?" she swallowed. "W-who told you that? D-did _he_ tell you?" she demanded.

Frisk raised an eyebrow at her concern. "No, it wasn't him. And hey, it can't be all that bad. You're a scientist, you could probably figure out another way!"

"Um... actually..." she stammered, fidgeting with her coat nervously. "I..."

"Don't tell me," said Frisk, their own nerves starting to show. "You _d—_ "

"I don't have anything, okay!" she shouted. "That's the only way for you to get home! You have to kill Asgore and take his soul! _That's your only option, do you understand?_ "

Frisk stared at her, eyes wide open, shell-shocked. "Are... are you shitting me right now? You're the Royal Scientist and you can't even help me leave without killing your king?"

She was shaking on the spot, face buried in her hands. "You lie to me, lead me into the path of two killer robots, don't even try to help and then the MOMENT you can make up for it, you turn your back on me? Tell me you can't do _anything_ to help me?"

She looked up at them, her glasses pushed up onto her forehead. Eyes puffy, tears streaming down her face. "I'm so sorry..." she whispered.

She turned on her heel and ran off. By the time they'd snapped out of their shock she was at the end of the hall.

"Hey, Alphys, wait!" they shouted, running down the hall after her. "C'mon, we've gotta be able to work _something_ out!"

She was already gone.

"FUCK!" they screamed, slamming their fists against the wall. "FUCKING BITCH!"

They hit the wall again, screams more primal and animalistic than human. They wondered if their hands were bleeding at all, because they sure were hurting like a bitch. Kinda like Alphys. _Who does she think she is anyway, giving me that kind of ultimatum?_

They went to hit it again.

"Stop."

Chara's voice was low and commanding. Despite their uncontrollable rage, they relaxed their hands, sliding down the wall helplessly. They crumpled to their knees, giving a weak chuckle that quickly dissolved into desperate laughter.

"What the fuck am I supposed to do now...?"

Chara sighed, placing a hand on their shoulder. "Whatever you can."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Salutations there, comrade! We have now reached the end of the CORE arc! REJOICE, FOR NEW HOME IS COMING!
> 
> I'm sorry for taking so long to finish this. This chapter really bored me to make sometimes, but I hope it's enjoyable for you guys to read. I know I had my enjoyable moments writing it too.
> 
> Now, let's get into some of that sweet, lemon-scented Chapter Trivia!
> 
> 1\. The code Frisk inputs for the box-destroying ray is 15111509: A neat combination of my birthday and the release date of Undertale.
> 
> 2\. I specifically chose "like a bitch" because of Samuel L. Jackson's incredible performance in Pulp Fiction where he asks Brett if Marsellus Wallace looks "like a bitch". Frisk saying "English, Chara, do you speak it" is also a reference to another line Samuel L. Jackson's character says in the film.
> 
> 3\. I have no comments on Mew Mew's "Split Mode" other than that I just figured that was the best way to execute it.
> 
> 4\. Yeah yeah, "oh, you're approaching me?" funny Jojo reference. I did it.
> 
> 5\. Let me try to break down the end of Mew Mew's fight for you. Frisk's outburst of fury kinda beats her down a lot, since she's usually a really angry person, and not used to seeing someone as angry as her, thus why she calms down a lot. And because she can't really fight them anymore because her weapons just got wrecked.
> 
> 6\. "Let's see how well you dance with only half a body" was a reference to one of Gelorum's lines in Hot Wheels: World Race, the movie that preceded Acceleracers. They were a big part of my childhood, so I had to throw it in.
> 
> 7\. Yep, there's a nice bit of reveal on Chara's moveset. Some of their attacks use blood as a motif, such as Platelet Steeper. Since it ain't spoilers, there's also Luminol Buster which takes the name of a tool used at crime scenes that turns bright blue when it comes into contact with blood. The rest that don't use such motifs use fire, vines and so on.
> 
> 8\. Mettaton's still alive, yes. But only barely. Chara really did a number on him with that gun. For reference, they emptied a full chamber into him. A full six bullets. He brought it upon himself.
> 
> 9\. "The broken, beaten and scarred" end was specifically a reference to the song "Broken, Beat & Scarred" by Metallica.
> 
> 10\. "Yeah, your friend without benefits" is a reference to a line Rigby says in the Regular Show episode "Diary".
> 
> 11\. Frisk screams "FUCK! FUCKING BITCH!" specifically to reference Noah's reaction to Mary Asher hanging up on him in the TribeTwelve episode "Mary Asher Phone Call".
> 
> Anyway, here we are again. It's always such a pleasure to reach the end of these chapters so I have an excuse to laze about a bit and not work on it. In fact, I can't even blame drawing for this, since I haven't been doing a whole lot of it as of recent. Though I guess now I do because I'm gonna be playing the shit out of the new Ori game in the days following.
> 
> Anyway, thank you for stickin' with me, guys. I honestly do appreciate it.
> 
> Order your tickets to the capitol now on Ticketek,  
> \- offbrandbiscuit


End file.
